Blue skies with white clouds, green, green grass, pink flowers and warm yellow sun. Energy and optimism and control are on your side. You can hardly remember what the rain felt like. You know the weather could change at any time, but for now, all is beautiful, all is well. You let your guard down.
Then the storm cloud approaches, without warning, without a reason. You wake up one morning and realize it's been coming for a short while now, but you're not prepared. The sky darkens. The raindrops sprinkle in. The technicolor world you've been enjoying fades to grayscale. You watch all those blue and green memories slip away like a distant dream but don't reach out to catch them. Maybe tomorrow. You know what you ought to do to push this cloud back, but inexplicably, you can't do it. You don't want to do it. It's too hard to do it. So you lie motionless as the darkness creeps over you, and you let the tears spill. You can beat this. You know you can. But you don't try. You can't. The black cloud is heavy, and it weighs you down. The pain of the darkness is dull and oppressive, but it's easier than the effort of fighting it. You slip, slip, slip away again.
I've been there, girl. I know that there is nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but please know that you are not alone. Depression is a lying bastard but his voice is so loud it's impossible to not hear the shite he is spouting. I recommend the Bloggess at times like this. http://thebloggess.com/2014/01/strange-and-beautiful/ReplyDelete
Thank you, Kate. It's the only reason I force myself to be open about depression, so everyone else knows they aren't alone either. Even though so so often even I feel like I'm totally alone.xxDelete