Say Yes To the (11 Year Old) Dress

Everyone knows it's good to clear out your closet every once in a while and to use the "If I haven't worn this in six months, get rid of it" rule.

Well, while I waited nervously for my husband to get home in this brewing ice storm (took him two hours!) I distracted myself by having a good clear out. I've been working really hard since last summer to lose all the depression weight I put on last year, eating generally low carb and working out at the gym regularly, and I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel... just a few more pounds until I'm at my target weight - a number I've not seen on the scale since college! So tonight, I tried on just about everything in my closet and chest of drawers, and everything that is too big now (and can't be taken in with my sewing machine) and everything I simply never ever wear got thrown into the garage sale pile.


But the really exciting thing is, I also got to go through my "One day I will fit back into this again, dammit!" box and pull out lots of old things I just could not part with "in case I ever lose enough weight to wear it again."

Well, folks, let me just tell you. There is nothing wrong with keeping a box like this, whatever the rules state. Even if it's eleven years later, you might just surprise yourself.

December 2003

March 2015

Someone please go back and tell 21 year old me to take off that sports watch.

Have Your Pizza And Eat It Too!

My new favorite keto dinner (or lunch!) - Low Carb Tortilla Pizza!

I've seen lots of pizza base substitutes like Almond Bun Pizza, the Cauliflower Pizza Crust or the Meatza, but none of them were really what I wanted. And I love pizza so foregoing pizza is THE hardest part of keto for me - even harder than saying no to cake!! (However, I'm also keen to find a keto cake, if such a thing could possibly exist.)

I've been buying these Mission Carb Balance tortillas for our Taco Nights (used to be Taco Tuesdays but I work now on Tuesdays, so it's just Taco Whenevers, sigh). Scott and I don't mind using lettuce to wrap our taco-y goodness up, but sometimes you just want a freaking tortilla. And at 6 net grams a piece, I think that's not bad for dinner!!

So then the idea came to me, not sure if I saw it online or just envisioned it as I dreamed of pizza, to use these low carb tortillas as pizza bases, and ya'll, the rest is history. This has been my lunch or dinner three times this week. I am so happy.

They are so easy and pretty low carb, as long as you plan for it. I try to stay under 20-25g a day, so this usually fits in no bother, as long as my other meals are pretty close to carb-free.  The pizza sauce I've been using is just the Kroger brand pizza parlour style pizza sauce - 4g per 1/4 cup.  If you use the small flour Mission Carb Balance, the pizza doesn't even need a full quarter cup; if you use the large wheat ones, however, you probably will. So assuming you use a large wheat low carb tortilla and a quarter cup of sauce, you should be able eat an entire "thin crust" pizza for 10 net grams of carbs.  If you use pre-shredded cheese, you'll probably need to add 2g or 3g to your total. If you shred it yourself, you'll be golden! Pepperoni, tuna, ground beef, bacon, or chicken ought to be carb-free. For any other added toppings, just add in whatever carbs they contain, if any. I simply enjoy cheese and pepperoni, so 10g-carb pizza is good for me!!

40 Questions

Ten years in a row! Happy 10 Year "40 Questions" Anniversary to me.

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
I guess among firsts, I got a tax professional to do my taxes for the first time.  And I bought a car from a dealership for the first time. I'm all grown up and stuff.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Last year's New Year's resolution was to "rigorously save money, to get a little more exercise, eat a little healthier and lose about 15 pounds."  Well, let's see how that went...

I didn't exactly save a lot of money, as in, put a lot in savings, but I managed to budget even better than I was already doing and have continued to keep us from needing a credit card or living in any debt (aside from cars).  I got a lot more exercise than I ever expected and have maintained a gym membership for almost an entire year - February will be my one year gymniversary.  On a good week, I go three times, on a great week I go all five weekdays and on a really bad week I miss completely, but that usually only happens when someone in the house is sick, preventing me from going. (Like it's been for the past three weeks or so...) A typical "bad week" would be one or two visits.  So, I say I've done a far, far better job than I expected, considering I wrote last year that I would probably fail.  I also lost a good amount of weight - 25 lbs! (Though I've put about 5 back on since Thanksgiving.) I think I've done pretty well this year! I'm now only a few pounds over what I was when I got married. :) Bragging over. Moving on.

I also chose Satisfaction as my "theme" for this past year - being satisfied with what I have and where I'm at. Changing what I can but being satisfied with what I can't. I guess I achieved that to an extent, but to be honest, I will just never be satisfied completely with living in Nowheresville, Arkansas.  I just can't, no matter how hard I try.

So. All of that said, what are my resolutions for this year?

First thing I wanted to do, and I've already done this, was to streamline my Facebook Friends list for a fresh new year's start.  I never unfriend people because it seems so mean, and I don't want to hurt any feelings. But there were so many people on my list I either did not even know or just don't have any contact with.  So last night I did a clear out.  I did not delete anyone for any unkind reasons; I have no animosity towards anyone I unfriended. I just decided to start fresh with people I actually keep at least a modicum of communication with.

My other resolution is to get back on keto and lose that last 15 lbs.  My goal this year is lower than my goal was last year, because now I believe I can do it.  I'd also like to do another clear out this year of "stuff", as I've accumulated quite a lot of things I don't really need. Going to have a garage sale in the spring, I think. I like simple, I like clear and clean.

And does getting Jaguar potty-trained count as a resolution?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I got a new niece and a new nephew this year! My brother and his wifey gave birth to their daughter Makaela, and Scott's brother and his wife had their first son, Sam.  Also my step-brother and his wife had a little girl, so that gave me a step-niece as well! Aside from family, my coworker and friend Carrie had a sweet little girl, Greer, only a month ago, a "little" ten pound chunk of cuteness.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one close necessarily, but a theater friend in Scotland passed away just a few days ago on Christmas day. He was one helluva pantomime dame. Never could remember his lines, which only added to the absurdity of panto. He will be missed. His family has been on my mind this week.

5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries this year, and probably none for the foreseeable future. Hence I now change this question to:

5b. What PLACES did you visit?
We went to Nashville, Tennessee to see my old BFF Amanda get married to the love of her life Eric. Beyond that, the furthest we ventured this year was Northwest Arkansas. Sad. Gotta remedy that in 2015.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Last year I said, "by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan.  A life plan. A rough guide, more like, since my plans never go according to plan.  I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle."  I think we are getting a little closer to that now, though as for "life plan", that might still be asking too much.

This year, I'd like a little more adventure and excitement. 2014 was more or less a blank canvas of a year.  Not much happened. No big ups, no big downs, certainly no adventures.  I'd like to make sure 2015 isn't as blank as this past year was. Girls just wanna have fun, right?

7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?
No actual dates stand out, but somewhere around August I breastfed Baby Jaguar for the last time.  I guess I'll never breastfeed again. Kind of sad.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving a full year in Nowheresville?

Ha.  But seriously, probably the exercise thing. Starting a fitness routine and sticking with it longer than a few months. Seeing my body tone up, feeling my strength increasing.  At the start of the year - February - I could barely get through the warm-up of a Kickboxing class, let alone the entire class, without wanting to pass out (or throw up).  Now I can finish a class with plenty of energy to go.  It's an amazing feeling.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Never getting my curtains hung in my living room.  It's been a year and a half, come on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No one suffered anything major this year, touch wood.  We've had a few hospital scares - Jaguar, Fifi - but nothing that amounted to anything.  We have all been off-and-on sick for several weeks though, which in effect RUINED CHRISTMAS (exaggeration, slightly).

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new car!! I had been driving my Papaw's beat up 1999 Oldsmobile van for a year, and all I wanted was my own car with air conditioning.  Finally in October, we were able to get me a car, and I love it!  She is my precious.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I hope I can say this in the right way, but I want to give a shout out to my mom.  Me coming out as atheist this year has been incredibly hard on her. I know it breaks her heart every day.  But after the initial shock and after having a few good talks about it with me, she has continued to treat me just the same as she always has - with unconditional love.  I hated hurting my family by leaving our family's faith, and I hate that it hurts them daily. But my mom has made me feel like no matter what, she will always still see me as the same person I've always been. She still talks to me the same way as she used to, and there isn't any weirdness between us (at least I don't feel any).  She prays for me constantly, I'm sure of it, but she hasn't made me feel like a disappointment to her.

That goes for quite a few people, really, but my mom gets the award for it this year.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
I guess I regret not trying harder to make friends.  Not wanting to settle here permanently has resulted in me sort of unintentionally keeping up a wall around me. I've made friends that I really care about, but I think I've also kept everyone at a slight distance. I regret that, even while I understand it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I'd say most of it went into rebuilding our home.  We got the basics last year - furniture and the like - but this year I spent a lot of money just getting the little things that make a house feel like a home, like curtains (that I never put up) and wall art and extra sheets for beds.  Plus the usual - food, clothes, toys.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new car. My new sewing machine.  Seeing my old high school friends on holidays.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2014?
Quiet Company's We Are All Where We Belong.  A former Christian's "coming out atheist" album.  I understood every single word he wrote.

(You can listen to it here for free!)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Though I've had some short periods of sadness encroaching upon depression, in general, I've had a much happier year this year.  Exercise has been a large part of that.  And while leaving Christianity came with a lot of pain, the freedom from it has given me so much more happiness.
thinner or fatter? Thinner! Yay!! I have gone down two sizes!
richer or poorer? Richer, thanks to my rockstar of a husband who works super hard and is super smart and has done super well in his new job here. And my little part time job helps too.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Socialize. I've made a few friends this year, but I've been so inside my own head that I haven't made a big enough effort to see them more regularly. Plus, between mornings at the gyms and afternoons cleaning in the house while Jaguar sleeps, there hasn't been a lot of time for socialization.

Also, I wish I'd read more books.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watch Netflix. But I'll probably watch just as much next year. (Just being honest!)

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Well, I picked up a stomach bug a couple of days before Christmas, so our family brunch was postponed until New Year's Day.  A week before Christmas, we celebrated with my dad and step-mom, and on Christmas morning, the kids opened their presents here at home.  That night, I was feeling better, but Scott and two of the kids were then feeling rotten, so I went over to my aunt's for the extended family Christmas dinner.  A lot of the plans I had for Christmas and Christmas Eve never happened, which I was upset about, but in general, we still had a good holiday.  I'm happy now to have all the Christmas stuff put away for another year and to have my house back.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
We've reverted to Skype for talking to my in-laws in Scotland, so probably this year, I've spent the most time on the phone with my friend Devon, who even in this Information Age of texting and email, still enjoys shooting the breeze over the phone! Which is kind of retro and nice.

22. What's your best memory from 2014?
When Andy and Marion (my in-laws) came to visit at the beginning of the year. I hadn't seen Andy in six months, so it was really, really great to see them again.  They are the best in-laws I could ever have asked for.  It was wonderful spending time with them. The best memory from those weeks was sitting up late one night, drinking good whisky and laughing hysterically about everything and anything, everyone's cheeks getting pinker and pinker with good old Scotch merriment!  It's hard to believe now almost a full year has passed without seeing them. I used to see them two or three times a week. I miss them.

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
I think I've just learned to be a better person this year.  I've learned that in order for anything to ever get better, we are going to have to actually do something about it. I can't sit back and hope someone else does something, but I myself must take action.  I don't necessarily mean in big things, though I think we all have our part to play in the big stuff, but even in the small things - keeping a friend's kids so they can get out, donating money or time to tornado relief, bringing someone groceries when they are sick, writing a little note to encourage someone.  All the little things that take so little of me but give so much to someone else.

I used to rely on prayer. Now I rely on me.

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Hmm... I'd probably need to scan through my old Netflix views! I can't remember what I watched earlier in the year, but in the past month I've been watching the cheesiest show ever, Monarch of the Glen.  Makes me miss Scotland, even though the show is nothing like the Scotland I lived in!

Black Mirror, by the way, is gut-punchingly incredible.

26. What was the best book(s) you read? What books would you like to read in the next year?
I read several books by Bart Ehrman which were interesting.  I read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which I highly recommend! I joined a book club and read some interesting books there, like Gone Girl and The Rosie Project.  I'm currently re-reading (for the sixth or seventh time) The Chrysalids by John Wyndham.

Next year, I need to read 41 by George W Bush since I got it for Christmas from my dad... as long as he reads Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, which I got him! I'd also like to re-read Silence by Shusako Endo, Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner and Daniel Martin by John Fowles. Any other book recommendations will gladly be taken!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am ashamed to have gotten into very little new music this year.  In fact, pretty much all the new music I've "discovered" has been pop/R&B from my fitness classes.  And that's nothing to brag about.

My old friend Massey and I have been chatting on Facebook about music though, and he's introduced me to a few new songs and bands that I need to spend a little more time getting into, if I can just find the time!
28. What did you want and get?
Last year's answer: A cat.
This year's answer: Another cat.

Also a car!

29. What did you want and not get?
To move away. (Insert a wink, even though, I'm for reals.)

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Do parents actually get to see films?  I think we saw a couple. That one with Johnny Depp and the artificial intelligence was good.  Transcendence, that's the one.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't think I actually did anything on my birthday this year (32), but at some point after it my family and I went out for Indian food to celebrate.  Scott got me a sewing machine!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the Republicans hadn't won everything in the last election.
If Hobby Lobby had lost their court case.
If Fayetteville hadn't repealed their ban on discrimination. (I don't even live there anymore.)
If the AR Supreme Court had made a ruling regarding the ban on same-sex marriage (and that ruling had been to declare it unconstitutional.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Up until the October Dress Project, I was still dressing pretty ordinary, in jeans or trousers and t-shirts, or gym wear.  But ODP made me really want to enjoy looking nice again, so even though my wardrobe is still pretty sparse and mostly made up of handmedowns and clearance rack items, I've tried recently to up my appearance by dressing a little more interestingly, accessorizing with belts and scarves and hats and footwear.

She says, as she types this in her pink bunny pajamas at 2pm.

34. What kept you sane?
Working out. Kickboxing, Cardio Dance, Zumba, with the occasional Power Pump, Pilates and Step classes.

35. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
In February, our Seattle friends Jonathan and Sarah, along with their two little munchkins, came to Arkansas to visit us.  Considering Jonathan always said he'd never step foot in Arkansas, it was pretty special that they came out to visit us!

Then on Jaguar's birthday, my brother- and sister-in-law surprised us with a visit from their Texan family. It was great to meet our little nephew and to have the girls all together again.  It was great to see them all. It was really special.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year's answer will still continue to be this year's answer: Health care and same-sex marriage.  Add in separation of church and state.

37. Who did you miss?
I still miss so many of my Scottish friends and family. I always will. I've really missed my Craft Night Girls, Heather, Paula and Elaine, who were always the ones I went to when I needed to talk shit through.  It's been lonely without that.

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
Despite the way I make it sound, I have actually met a lot of really awesome people.  The girls from the book club are all awesome.  The girls I've met at work are all awesome.  My across-the-street neighbor Amy was awesome... but they moved to Texas (boo!).  The girls I've met at the gym are awesome.  But my top, number one people - who I really didn't meet this year, but have gotten to know better this year - are Elizabeth and Mandy. There's some kindred-spirit crap in there somewhere with those two.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr Seuss

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
I could probably just quote the entire Quiet Company's We Are All Where We Belong, but I'll settle on just a couple quotes from here and there throughout the album.

"The river's wide, that I could not swim across it, so I convinced myself I'd walked upon the waves, but I don't want to waste my life.  I wanted to feel as saved as they do, but the more I live, the harder to believe that their god above knows the first thing about love or goes along with every rule they make up. I don't want to waste my life, thinking about the afterlife." -from "The Confessor"

"I was screaming out your name. I guess you never heard me, but I was screaming it for years, and I think I deserve a reason for why you've been so elusive. Now I've been thinking about my life and I can't believe that I have wasted so much time trying to be what everyone loves, the prodigal son returning. Oh what a sight, the prodigal son returning." -from "The Easy Confidence"

"Hey kids, tell them what you really think. Think it over. This is your life, don't ignore it. This could be your only chance to repent so get off your knees and adore it, the responsibility of empathy." -from "Preaching to the Choir Invisible, Part II"

And it's not a song lyric, but this little quote has been blowing my mind all year long:

"The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. 

We are made of starstuff." -Carl Sagan

The Most Depressing Film I've Ever Watched... But First, Pancakes

Yesterday we made pumpkin pancakes for brunch. They were pretty tasty, especially drenched in maple syrup. I used this recipe from Allrecipes.com. Everyone liked them, and Lolly even claimed they were the best pancakes ever. However, she says that about every pancake she's ever eaten, and I'm pretty sure Scott still holds the Pancake King title in this household.

I'm liking finding new ways to use pumpkin, but it's definitely meant eating a LOT more baked goods and carb-loaded foods than we are used to. We haven't been on a strict keto diet for a while, but we've developed primarily low-carb eating habits over the year. Between the Halloween candy and the Pumpkinpalooza, the good habits we have formed are quickly falling away. I'm still going to finish my pumpkin challenge, but I'm going to cut back on all the rest of the unhealthy food we've gotten back into eating. If a pumpkin recipe a day is the only carbs we eat, that ought to be all right.

Now, speaking of unhealthy foods, we watched Food Inc last night. It was horrendous. I'd been putting off watching it, because I knew it would upset me. I mean, I already knew our food was bad and our practices are inhumane, but I didn't really want it confirmed. I didn't want to actually face it or see it. It's easier to stay in denial.  We decided to watch it last night, though, and both Scott and I were utterly horrified. We have decided the entire human race is awful.  Agent Smith was absolutely right:

I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You're a plague.

The way we treat animals, other human beings and the environment is atrocious. The clothes we wear, the food we eat, the cars we drive, the petrol we run those cars on, the housing materials we build our homes with - everything is made by exploiting fellow human beings, killing off and abusing animals and destroying the earth and its atmosphere. It was the most depressing film I've ever watched, and that's saying something.

We aren't rich and we live on a budget, but Scott and I decided last night we have to do something, even if it's just a little tiny thing that barely makes any difference. We're going to start with buying grass-fed, free-range chicken and eggs, and seriously cutting back on our corn product consumption for our kids. (Scott and I don't eat cereals and grains very often, but our kids still do.)  One of the farmers on the film commented that people balk at paying $3 for a dozen free-range eggs, while drinking a 75¢ can of Coke. It won't make even a dent in the global problem, but it will hopefully make a small difference somewhere, even if only to our little family.

If you haven't watched this movie, I suggest you put away all junk food and sit down to make yourself watch this. It's on Netflix, if you have Netflix. We have managed to get warning labels put on packs of cigarettes (going up against tobacco giants), and now we must do something about inhumane food practices.

(Yet even saying that is depressing, because I know we won't. The collective "we". Society. We'd all rather save a buck than think about the illegal workers who are hired and brought over by US companies on the agreement with the government that they can then arrest a certain number of those individuals if they turn a blind eye to what the companies are actually doing. We'd all rather save a buck than think about the farmers whose hands are tied into treating their animals inhumanely, because they will lose everything if they don't. A dollar saved is worth more to us than the men, women and children being oppressed behind that dollar. Unbelievably depressing.)

Pumpkin for Breakfast

Raisin Pumpkin Oatmeal

2 cups oats (I used instant, but rolled/old fashioned tastes better)
2 cups milk
2 cups water
1/3 cup pumpkin puree
2/3 cup raisins
1/3 cup brown sugar
1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
2 tbsp butter

Scott isn't liking all these non-keto recipes I've been making this week! I usually make this recipe in the Crockpot overnight. I'd put the oats, milk, water, pumpkin*, sugar, spice and raisins in the Crockpot, then set it up with a timer to turn on Low about three hours before wake-up time. Because my current Crockpot is digital, the timer thing won't work properly, because when the power turns on, it wants you to set the time and temperature before it starts cooking. So for this pumpkin oatmeal breakfast, I actually went and bought a new Crockpot with a dial, so I could set this up a timer to have ready for this morning.

(Well, this is the first time to include pumpkin.)

Then last night I decided to clean out my closet and forgot all about it. So oatmeal this morning was made on the stove.

Add all the ingredients except the butter to a pot and cook over medium heat for about ten minutes or until oats are cooked, stirring occasionally. If it's not sweet enough, you can add more sugar; we just don't like super sweet things, especially in the morning. The sugar and the raisins take it just about over my breakfast sweetness quotient already. After the oats are cooked, add the butter and stir. My kids like it served with a dollop of honey in their bowl to mix in; that to me is too sweet, but they like it. You could also try a dollop of caramel sauce or maple syrup if you're so inclined.

This recipe makes the perfect oatmeal consistency, in my opinion. I like my oatmeal creamy, smooth and thick but not clumpy. I certainly don't like it watery. Four cups of liquid may sound like a lot, but I think of it like rice - 1 part grain to 2 parts liquid. If I used any less liquid, it would be too thick for me. In fact, I would probably add an extra 1/2 cup water next time since the pumpkin seemed to thicken it a bit more than usual. If you prefer thicker oatmeal (or thinner) just adjust the water levels. The kids this morning weren't happy when I told them we were having pumpkin oatmeal (instead of normal oatmeal), but when they tried it, they didn't even believe there was pumpkin in it. The spice is the only thing that gave it away, and actually, it would've been delicious without the spice too. I'm wondering now what other vegetables I could hide in oatmeal - broccoli? Okra?

Okay maybe not.

The Dress Meets The Gym

October 1st. The start of the October Dress Project. I'm so stoked!

I also apparently think that I'm getting my senior pictures made, via tripod selfie. Let's just get that embarrassing fact out there: I'm having to take my own photos of myself. It's much less embarrassing to have someone else take the photos for you. I'll be doing this in my backyard, where the neighbors can't see me posing against trees like a middle-aged fashion model in a Chadwicks catalog.

Senior Yearbook, 2000

I've already explained how going to the gym and wearing the dress are going to be in direct competition with each other. Today is my first day though, and I'm so excited about this dress that I wanted to make it work. Wednesday's at the gym are Step Aerobics (which I despise but still go to often out of masochism), followed by Pilates (ahhhh, deep breathing) and then Jaguar's Busy Bees toddler class. Pilates *usually* doesn't make me sweat much, so I decided to try wearing The Dress to Pilates and conveniently skipping Step. I won't wear it to the gym often, but maybe I will on Wednesdays, giving me the excuse to skip Step for a whole month. Ahhhh. 

I wore my black exercise cropped leggings and tied up the side of The Dress in a little knot. Pink sparkly flip flops (because Pilates is barefoot) and a clip in my hair to easily put it up or down, depending on the exercise, easily and efficiently concluded Day 1 of ODP. Simple. Comfortable. And I did sweat far too much in Pilates today, so The Dress will likely need washed sooner than I originally planned.

(To those of you new to the project, yes, we wash the dresses. Just not everyday. We don't want to spoil them.)

So exercising in this dress was great. It's a flowy, soft cotton number and fairly thin. I got it at Marshall's for super cheap; it is a Calvin Klein dress (whoo, check me out!) marked down to $20. I want to take good care of it, because I love it and hope to wear it again after this month is over. Though experience tells me I'll probably hang it in the back of my closet first for several months before wanting to put it back on again.

****

In other news, I mentioned last time that I'm attempting to take the September Shopping Challenge to a new, year-long level. Today is the first day of October. Today I already failed.

This is The Dress, by the way.

It happened like it always does; I needed one thing at the store. And by need, of course, I don't mean "need" the way you "need" food and shelter, but "need" as in "my fingernails are a wreck and I really ought to start using a base coat when I paint them". That kind of need. So I took Jaguar to Walmart on my way home from the gym to buy Base Coat. And a buffing block, because, you know, nail health or all that.

I left with a double pack of Nail Strengthener and Longer Nails in Just Seven Days Promiser (or whatever it's called), a buffing block, two boxes of sugar-free instant chocolate pudding mix (because keto), a jar of tumeric (because I was craving Indian food), and two pairs of corduroy skinny jeans. BECAUSE THE CORDS WERE $5 EACH! How could I turn that down? Granted, the POINT of the shopping challenge is to not walk into a store in the first place, and certainly not to go pilfering through the sales racks, but $5! Corduroys! Skinny ones in a smaller size than I bought last time! In two different ridiculously bright colors! You will be seeing them under The Dress very soon, like tomorrow, by the way. So I ended up spending $20 on my first day of this month's challenge. Oops. Oh and to keep the wee man happy while we shopped, I bought him a Happy Meal from McDonalds, because I guess I'm one of "those" mums. He scored two toys out of it though, so that's a win.

****

In college, as an English major with an emphasis in Creative Writing, I never had trouble with opening paragraphs or the middle content. But conclusions were my downfall.

They are still my downfall today. I never know how to end anything I write. Today it's even worse because I'm carb-deficient. Therefore I'm just going to go eat my salad and feel good about myself for not getting a Happy Meal with Jaguar. Good bye.

So fancy.

Love My Body Project: Week 5

Yesterday was the last day of July, and *technically* the last day of the Love My Body Project. But it won't really be my last day. This month has been so uplifting for me, and I intend to keep up the good work.

In just one month, my whole perspective has shifted. I don't know if it was magic or coincidence or really just positive thinking, but wow. What a difference!

I feel so good about myself. Sure I've lost a little weight, which helps, but I've only lost one inch around the waist and nothing around the hips, so it's not as if I look drastically different from how I looked on July 1st. But I feel different. I feel confident. I feel strong. I feel - wait for it - beautiful.

I noticed the big change at the gym a few mornings ago. I've been taking it easy this week, exercise-wise, because I had a cold and even though I'm better now, I don't want to overdo it. I went to Pilates Tuesday and Wednesday, a change from my usual cardio. (I tried Zumba yesterday and only got through half an hour of it before feeling like I might collapse - so clearly still somewhat recovering!) In classes, with all of us facing the mirror, I usually catch myself comparing my body to everyone else's at the gym and wishing I looked like them. It's something I try not to do, but it's automatic. The difference today was that while I did still notice how great everyone else looked, for the first time, instead of wishing I looked like them, I automatically thought, "And I look good too." Not like them, not better, not worse. I actually, before I consciously thought about it, liked my body alongside everyone else's.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have to cover everything up or hide. I wore a bikini to the pool last week and didn't feel self-conscious outside the water. I felt good, and I didn't care what anyone else may or may not be thinking. What a change! I wear shorts and don't feel embarrassed. I really like my body!

I don't have anything super insightful to say about my last week. I'm just amazed at how a shift in thinking, a shift in eating and a shift in activity has made such a huge difference. I've not been rigorous with any of those things; I've cut down on carbs a lot, but I'm not technically doing keto, I have upped my time at the gym but I've not been every day, and I've been kind to my reflection in the mirror but I haven't said the I-Love-My-Body mantra like I planned.

To be honest, I wasn't sure how this little project would go. I definitely thought it would take a lot more time (and a lot more weight loss) to get to this point. I'm pleasantly surprised by how good I feel.

I hope I can encourage you to think positively about your body, if you too have body image issues. It doesn't matter what size or shape you are. It doesn't matter what size or shape you WISH you were. It all starts inside you. And if you can bring yourself to eat a little better or work out a little more, it'll help more than you can imagine!

No sucking in, no Spanx, no push-up bra, no make-up, no contacts.
Dark colors coincidence only.  This is the real me!
*Except for the hair color... which is probably a lot of grey.

Love My Body Project Weeks 2 & 3

Last week was awesome. I felt awesome. I looked awesome. I was eating awesome. I was in control of my food and my exercise routine. It was an awesome week.


At the end of the week, we got a huge bonus surprise; my brother- and sister-in-law from Texas came to visit us with their three children for Jaguar's birthday weekend! We had a wonderful time. It was such a great visit, especially since we haven't seen them in about three years! (And details of that will be for another post.)

But as always, with out-of-town guests, we spent a lot of time eating out (and drinking booze...). Splurging every now and then is fine, and it's something I think I should be allowed to do if I really want to, but I didn't anticipate how it would make me feel afterwards.

Getting back on track with keto has been a nightmare this third week in. I feel a lot less in control of what I am eating and a lot more hungry. I don't feel as confident. To make matters worse, I'm approaching shark week, which means I'm less energetic (making trips to the gym a huge effort) and bloated (making my belly bulge out like I'm 20 weeks pregnant). My clothes aren't fitting well this week. The scale is still promising progress, but the mirror is decidedly not. I also have not been making myself say I love my body this week like I should. Instead, I've been internally spreading negativity about it.

I woke up this morning feeling groggy, demotivated, fat and hungry. I planned on going to both a weightlifting class and Zumba but couldn't get up and out in time. I missed the weights class and considered just staying home and doing nothing at all. But my kids (thank you, kids!) insisted we go to Zumba anyway, so we went. The first half of the class was killer; I had no energy and just did not feel like doing it. By the second half, though, I could start to feel my body wake up, and I was so glad I'd gone. It gave me the energy and motivation to do everything else I needed to do today, like get groceries and return books to the library. It gave me the determination to keep off the carbs at lunch time and during peckish moments of the day.

I guess loving one's body is a process. It has ups and downs. Hormones play a large part too. The key is probably just keep going, don't give up. And keep giving your body and your mind some love. I put on all black after realizing I was feeling negative again about my body and said defiantly to my reflection, "I LOVE MY BODY, DAMN IT."

Love My Body Project Week 1

Originally I'd had in mind that I would blog each day about my 'progress', aka, attempt at loving my body, including a full length photo each day, the kind where I don't crop out my thighs or PhotoShop my coloring, but it turns out, that was too much work. Until I get a tripod and can take surreptitious full-body selfies, it just isn't going to work. Besides, it felt kind of narcissistic. Kind of made me feel a little 'On my momma, on my hood, I look fly, I look good!'

But as a follow up to my Love My Body Project, I must say, it's working! So each day, I look at myself in the mirror. Isn't that fairly normal? Out of a shower, or while trying on clothes, I check myself out from every angle. Normally I obsess over this and find everything wrong with how I look and end up deflated. But this past week I've changed my perspective and have been finding the things I like. I've been telling myself I Love My Body. (And I keep singing Charlie Boy - help!) But it's working. And I've been identifying things about my body that I like. Such as...

I have small boobs, which mean I can wear a tube top comfortably.

I have curvy hips, which make my figure look vintage like a 50's model.

My arms are taking shape and actually feel like muscle when I flex.

My profile is shapely and pretty.

I'm sticking to my keto diet too, though I did not deprive myself of birthday cake on Jaguar's birthday. I'm trying not to focus on weight loss numbers, but I'm happy to see a little weight coming off according to the scales. I'm happy with the quick and drastic change I'm already seeing in my tummy. The more I work out and the better I eat, the better I feel about my stomach. It's got a lot of toning to do, but I'm happier with how I look. I can look in the mirror and force myself to say 'I love my body' and I'm starting to kind of mean it. I can wear shorts to the gym and think, 'Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's hot outside, it's hot while working out, and damnit, I am - almost - comfortable with how I look.'

But more than how I look, I'm starting to appreciate my body for what it can do. I'm getting stronger. I can squat longer and deeper than I could before. I can lift heavier weights now than when I started working out five months ago. I don't get nearly as exhausted after a work out as I used to. I don't crave junk food nearly as much as I used to and feel completely in control of what I choose to eat. I feel more energetic, less stressed, more in control and less depressed. My body is good. My body is strong. My body is - dare I say it? - beautiful.

I'll even post a picture of it. And resist the urge to comment on the parts of the picture (and my body) I'm still learning to love.

Love My Body Project

Today is the first day of July. It's summer and super hot outside. Summer and super hot means swimsuit weather! And shorts. And tank tops. It means wearing as little clothing as socially acceptable to keep from dying of heat stroke.

This is great news for people who love their bodies and are comfortable in their own skin. It's not so great for the rest of us.

From a young age, I've been very self-conscious about my shape, weight and body image. I've always wanted to be skinny. When I was a teen, it wasn't too hard to stay thin, though my bone structure was never one that allowed me to be below a size 8. In college, I gained 'the freshman fifteen', but I was still pretty thin, and if I ever wanted to lose a few pounds, I just... did. I practically thought about it, and it was gone.

Then, as we post-teenage ladies know, time goes on, metabolism slows, and for some of us, we start having babies. Our hips widen, our bodies cling to extra fat reserves for possible future pregnancies, and if we've been pregnant, our skin stretches and our breasts fill with milk then sag (whether we breastfeed or not). Those photos of us in bikinis at sixteen laughing by the pool seem like photos from another life. Photos of us in bikinis now are hard to recognize, because we've put our hands out in front of the camera while screaming, 'NO!'. That is, if we were even in a bikini at all. More likely, we've moved on to tankinis or one-pieces with skirts, a coverup and a towel.

In the last year, I've gained weight, and I've been miserable about it. My mental health hasn't been optimal to begin with, and this obsession with my weight has made it even worse. I spend a majority of the day thinking, either directly or indirectly, about my weight, my figure, my shape and how others perceive me. To an unhealthy extent, I obsess about how I look.

Since February, I've been visiting the gym regularly. I go because it gives me something to do and because I like how it makes me feel. I also hoped it would help me lose a few pounds. Instead, I've only gained. Perhaps it's muscle, perhaps not, but the numbers on the scale haunt me anyway. I've tried counting calories and other half-hearted diet changes, but I always fail. I did keto in January for a month, but having house-guests quickly made that incredibly difficult to maintain. I have felt defeated, depressed and anxious about my body.

As the heat builds, and I look longingly at the shorts in my drawer, I reach for the thin cotton trousers instead to hide the body I don't want anyone to see, the body I'm ashamed of, the body I hate.



A couple of days ago I watched this video on Upworthy, where 'Plus Size' model Robyn Lawley says 'I love my body the way it is.'


I thought, 'Wow. I'd love to be able to say that about myself.'

I decided it was time to embrace the body I live in. I could use to lose a few pounds, yes, and I'd be healthier for it. I decided to go back on keto with Scott and to up my time at the gym. But my motivation is a little different this time.

Instead of being motivated to get down to a certain weight or a certain clothes size, my motivation is to love my body. However it looks. If I eat better, cut out carbs, workout more regularly, then I will be getting healthier. I may or may not lose a lot of weight. Eventually, once I break the ingrained carb addiction, I'll start allowing myself a treat now and again - after all, I only get to live once, and I don't want to live my whole life continually obsessing about food and weight! I want to enjoy food as I always have, while also enjoying the way I look and feel in my own skin (and fat stores). I know I'll never be 'skinny'. My natural weight may just be higher than I wish it were. But my goal now is to be healthier, not necessarily much skinnier, and to learn to love my body. While I'd like to fit more comfortably in my clothes (they have definitely gotten tighter over the last year), I'd also like to be able to honestly say 'I love my body'.

I like how this model commented that the more you actually say 'I love my body' the more it works. It gave me the idea to start a Love My Body Project (which I'm sure has already been done officially elsewhere, so it's not like I'm trying to start a 'thing'). I've decided that each day for the whole month of July, I will stand in front of my mirror and compliment myself. I will find something about the way I look (and not just in my face, but from my whole body) and compliment myself on it. And I will look in the mirror and say, 'I love my body' and try to mean it.

Today, I noticed that when I'm sitting with my knees up and my feet on the ottoman, my legs look smooth and sexy. I told myself how nice my legs look when they are in that position.

It's not much. I certainly don't like them when they are flat and mashed out against the chair (but who does?). It's just a start. Today I love my legs when they are in that position.

Today, I stand in front of the mirror and say, 'I love my body.' It's summer, and I'm going to wear shorts and I'm going to love my body.

(And now I need to put away all the laundry on the couch...)

Cabin Fever

I have some serious cabin fever going on right now. Except for two very short excursions, I've been stuck in my house since Sunday. It's Thursday. I feel like I'm under house arrest.

Sunday morning, Scott's mum and dad took the kids to breakfast and then to church while Scott and I slept in late and had a quiet morning together. That afternoon, my dad, stepmom, brother and an aunt and uncle from Pennsylvania (here for my big brother's wedding the day before) all came over. Sunday evening is when 'thundersleet' hit Arkansas. It was the second* most amazing storm I've ever seen. Sleet, freezing rain, thunder, lightning, all at once. It was incredible.

(*Second to the time we came home from Scotland for a visit and witnessed fork lightning touching ground so close we could see where it hit, and the flashes were so bright, the street lighting kept turning off, thinking it was daylight!)

Thundersleet

Not surprisingly, given the six inches of ice topped with an inch of snow the next morning, school and Scott's workplace were both closed on Monday. It was actually a little blessing, since that was Mum and Dad's last day here in the States. The roads were a sheet of ice, so I stayed in all day with the kids. Scott's parents ventured out in the afternoon to get some last minute things taken care of, then we had t-bone steaks for dinner (mmmm) and put the kids to bed. We drank whisky. It was a good day to be 'stuck in'.

But come Tuesday morning, it was time to say goodbye. School was cancelled again, and Scott's office didn't open until noon, so Scott took his parents to the airport, while the kids and I said our goodbyes here at home. It was a sad goodbye as always. The children cried; I had to control my own tears to cope with theirs. The house felt very empty without them. Even though we didn't see much of them the last couple of weeks (they didn't even stay with us for the last two weeks!), it was still nice knowing they were somewhere nearby. I even ran into them a few times at the gym and Walmart, which made it feel like we actually lived close to each other again. Knowing they were officially going back home though made them feel very far away again.

So I kept myself busy. The house was a tip after so many guests - we'd had our Seattle friends Jonathan and Sarah and their daughters staying with us the week before - so I cleaned Jaguar's room (had been the 'guest' room), the girls' room (what a disaster!), the hall closet (just because), the kitchen and the living room. The kids bustled about, inside and outside, sometimes playing, sometimes fighting, and I really hoped they'd be back at school on Wednesday. Despite how bad the roads were, I'd have liked to have ventured out a little, but unfortunately Scott had driven to work with Jaguar's car seat still in his car.

Tuesday night, I managed to sneak out for a couple of hours to buy groceries. Saturday would've been grocery day, but we were at my brother's wedding in Hot Springs. Then the weather killed the next three days' shopping opportunities. We were eating weird stuff from the back of the cupboards by Tuesday night.

Speaking of eating, we noticed lots of birds pecking around the ice, trying to find some food. So we scattered birdseed all over the back porch for the hungry birds. We were very popular on Tuesday with the feathered community. And I got some lovely shots.

"Hey, guys, over here!"

Lord Cardinal

Lady Cardinal

Wednesday morning, school was back in session and the roads were more or less clear. Fifi got all dressed up for Dr Seuss day... and then threw up. Sigh. I called the school. Fifi would not be in today. And we would not be going anywhere as planned. No gym for me, KidFifit for Lolly or library Dr Seuss party for any of us. I stayed in all day yesterday. I had errands to run, but even if Fifi could have been trusted in the car for half an hour without the threat of vomit, I had to wait home for two deliveries, which of course, didn't arrive until 4pm. (But they were worth waiting for - my new laptop and my Pampered Chef order!) My head hurt. Lolly refused to listen to a word I said. Fifi was puky and pathetic and feeling sorry for herself. I watched far too much H20 on Netflix with the kids. It was my first day back on keto too, which made me even more irritable. I wanted to cry all day. The highlight of yesterday was dinner. In honor of Dr Seuss week at Fifi's school (which due to ice and illness, she has missed all of), we had Green Eggs and Ham for dinner. 

I would like them with a fox. I'd even like them in a box.

Exhausted, though I had things I wanted to do, I went to bed super early. I slept like a log. I felt awesome waking up this morning.

However, I still couldn't send Fifi to school, since policy is to be symptom-free for 24 hours (back in Scotland it was 48), so here we are again. In the house. I can't take Fifi anywhere because she might still be sick and/or contagious, so no gym for me again this morning. I still needed to run those errands, so we paid some bills and bought a few keto life-savers from Kroger (bacon, whipping cream, Truvia for low-carb cheesecakes) and came home. Now the girls are on 'their' computer (my old laptop), Jaguar is watching a little Charlie and Lola before his nap, and I'm fiddling with my new laptop. My fingers are crossed that Fifi will be symptom-free all day, so she can go to school tomorrow. Not only am I desperate to get to the gym and to have an easier day, but she's got a field trip tomorrow I'd hate for her to miss. Plus, I just need to get out of the confines of this house!! (Lolly, Jaguar, myself, please do not catch Fifi's bug.)

****

Aside from 'cabin fever', I've got a few more updates. Since I didn't blog (or write at all for that matter) much over the last six weeks, here are a few things I'd like to remember.

Number one, Jaguar got his first haircut. I cried. Well, I cried when I got in the car; I held it together in the salon. He had such gorgeous long blonde wispy hair, that flew out to the sides like helicopter blades when he shook his head no. But it was starting to get too long, and he was to be the ring bearer in my brother's wedding, so I took him to get his 'big boy haircut'. I have to admit, as much as it saddened me, he looks adorable (and big) with his new 'do.

Before

After

(My phone takes crappy pictures.)

He looked so grown up with his new haircut, his new dress shoes and his kilt in the wedding.

A suit, a kilt and a uniform walk into a bar...

Which segues perfectly into my brother's wedding.

Fifirst, I took it upon myself to make the flower girl dresses for the three flower girls. I opted for making the dresses instead of buying them to save money. Paying $100 for a child's dress seemed ridiculous, and multiply that by two children and it's outrageous. To make sure all three dresses were the same, I made my niece Ava's dress too.

It was slightly more work than I expected. They turned out beautifully, though, if I do say so myself!

Lolly

Fifi

Ava

Then, amidst the last minute rush to finish the dresses that I'd been taking my time on, my sister-in-law's bridesmaid broke her foot, and the couple asked me to step in last minute. Which meant finding a bridesmaid dress that matched last minute. Christie (my new SIL), her mother and I went shopping for a dress on the Tuesday before the Saturday wedding. In the dress shop, there were only about five long, navy dress choices, and none of the cash-and-carry dresses were even remotely in my size. Except one. ONE. It was really pretty on the hanger, but a size too small. With no other options, aside from finding another store, I tried it on. It fit perfectly. It matched perfectly. I LOVED it. So I bought it. Twenty minute bridesmaid dress shopping, from walk-in to carrying dress home, must be some kind of record. 

(If I'm being literal, it wasn't twenty minutes before I walked out the shop with it. I had it held to the next day, which was pay day.)

I didn't get really any full length photos of me in the dress at the wedding, but here's one taken when I got home.

The wedding was beautiful and sweet. I'm so happy my brother has married such a lovely girl, and I'm delighted to have Christie as my new sis-in-law!

A Few Random Wedding Photos

Groom and Bride (Photobombed by Lolly)

Ava, Matt and Charity

My bros

My main man

The Reception

The Groom's Cake (Star Trek in case you have no idea.)

For more wedding photos: Daniel & Christie's Wedding

The Missing Element

My "theme" for 2014, as decided after last year's October Dress Project, was/is "Satisfaction". More specifically, I wanted to make an effort to be satisfied with what I have and where I am right now. So far, I can't say I've made much headway in this. I still look at the clothes hanging in my closet every day and think, "I can't/won't wear 90% of this stuff." Either it doesn't fit, it's the wrong season (I never did get much in the way of winter-wear), or it's just not me. I still look at where I'm living and think, "I can't wait to get out of here." My house is starting to feel more like a home, which I'm happy about, though I still have so many things I'd like to do to decorate it. I still haven't gotten around to making many friends either, but that's where this thought process is going...

Before I expect satisfaction, I need motivation. It's the missing element.

I can't be satisfied with my situation if I don't have the motivation to change it. Granted, motivation won't fix everything; I can be very motivated about going to the mall, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to spend our money there! But I can be motivated about getting myself in a better place mentally, emotionally, physically and socially.

I've only been here in America eight months, though it feels like so much longer, but it's not like me to sit at home all day, every day, letting the kids watch TV while I busy myself with housework or lie on the couch in a bored or depressed daze. I'm in-between everything right now, and in-between is never a comfortable or exciting place to be.

I'm in-between Lolly being at school. In Scotland, she was in nursery and would've been at school this year. Here she can't start school until August. It's an in-between year with her back at home with me again for a year, and we're both going stir crazy.

I'm in-between homes. I was settled in Greenock, and I hope to settle somewhere else soon. I'm not settled here in Arkansas and if I'm honest, I guess I don't really want to be. I also know we won't be in this house for any longer than another year, so I don't feel it's worth the effort to get really properly settled in this house either.

I'm in-between friends. I had so many close friends before I moved, and I haven't yet quite made those same kind of friends again. I have met people who have great potential for becoming good friends, if I'd just make the effort, though. I just haven't made the effort. I guess I'm afraid of missing them if/when we move away?

I'm in-between faiths. I am not quite a Christian any more, but I'm not quite something else yet either. I don't know what I actually believe, I just know what I don't believe.

I'm even in-between sizes! I've lost enough weight that my old clothes hang off me, but I'm not yet the size I'm going to be, therefore I can't justify buying new clothes yet.

Having my Scottish in-laws staying with us these past few weeks has kind of made me realize how much this needs to change. My father-in-law, who is the kind of guy who tells it like it is, keeps commenting on how "greetin'-faced" I am these days, and how it's not like me to be stuck in all the time. I get the impression that I get talked about a lot for it behind my back! They have made sure me and Scott have gotten out a few times to spend time together without kids, and they have encouraged me to get to the gym. It turns out (and I only found this out because they found out for me) that our local community center not only does the kind of Group Fifitness classes that I enjoy, but they also have childcare!

So I have some new goals, which will require motivation to achieve.

Get fit. Today, I woke up early, got dressed in the only set of gym clothes I have, and went to the gym. I put Jaguar in the creche, Lolly went into the twice-weekly KidFifit class, and Marion and I went to a Step class. It felt great. It also meant Lolly got a little social interaction too, which she's been missing out on - and suffering for. I now have a one-month membership to try it out. I have good intentions of taking Lolly to KidFifit twice a week, taking myself to Kickboxing, Step, PowerPump and Yoga, and taking all the kids to the pool on Saturdays. I'm also back on Keto, and I'm not going to give in to carb temptation! (Even when my father-in-law makes delcious-smelling toast at 10pm... grrr.)

Get crafty. I have started sewing a little again. I'm making the flower girl dresses for the three flower girls at my brother's wedding next month (Fifi, Lolly and my niece Ava). I've also made a taggie blanket for my sister-in-law who's due her baby next month, and I'm making one for my other sister-in-law in Scotland who's just had a baby, and once I know what sex her baby is, my other sister-in-law will get one for her baby due in the summer. Scott has promised me my own new sewing machine next month, so I won't have to rely on borrowing machines from family members. (He's the best.)

Get friendly. Last week, I went to a visitation for my friend's father who just passed away. On the way home, I sat in the back seat of the car with my two old best friends from high school, Devon and Liz, and we all lamented that we don't do anything any more besides sit at home alone. I think we all need to change that. I also have a new friend here in town that I really like (hi, Mandy!), and I'm determined to get to know her better and see her more. (In fact, I'm meeting up with her and her kiddos tomorrow.) I may never have my old Tuesday night Craft Night back (boy, do I miss Craft Night and my awesome Craft Night buddies), but some kind of regular chin-wag with friends is something I really need to make happen.

And finally, Get the book done. I'm now brave enough to call my 'project' a 'book'. I have enough pages written, and enough material in my head I still have to cover, that I can confidently say I'm writing an actual book. Now, what I'll do with this book once it's finished is completely undecided, but getting the book written is necessary and essential for me in a million ways. I've had to take a break while in-laws are here, with the baby sleeping in my room, and therefore no privacy for writing, but the ideas keep coming and I'm jotting them all down, and thinking about it constantly. This book is happening!


These are my goals. I feel motivated about them today; I'm not so naive as to think I may not feel less motivated tomorrow. The act of sharing them publicly, though, helps keep me on track.

Confessions

I think it's time to come clean about something.

I've been keeping this little secret for a long time. Actually, that's not fair. In all honesty, I had no idea how completely this has had a hold over me. To say I've been keeping it a secret would imply that I realized it's power over me and have been concealing it. In truth, it's been concealing itself from me.

Only a few people in my life are aware of what I'm about to share. Yet I feel there are probably many of you out there who have the same problem. This needs to be said.

I have an addiction.

It's not an illegal addiction, like heroin. It's not a semi-legal addiction like alcohol. Instead it's a fully legalized, even encouraged substance that I'm addicted to.

Friends, I am a carbaholic.

*****

I thought I had my addiction under control. I thought I could stop whenever I wanted. I thought it was a minor thing, doing only minor damage to my health. I even believed at times that carbohydrates were good for me. But the truth is, I am dangerously addicted to this substance, and I always will be.

Once an addict, always an addict.

Scott and I went on a ketogenic diet starting the first of January. Basically, we went cold turkey. For the first few days, the withdrawal was awful. I got shakes and a headache; I felt grumpy and depressed. A couple of days later, however, I started feeling great. The cravings were gone! Physically anyway. The mental addiction was still strong; I opened the cupboards several times a day looking for a tasty snack. I wanted to put food in my mouth. I satiated myself with cheese slices and boiled eggs to help me get over the habit of snacking. For three weeks, we stuck to our carb-fast impressively, and I never felt better.

Then one day, we fell off the wagon. Just like that. It was so easy to do. We went on a date, a rare thing when you have kids, and decided to treat ourselves to a little cake. We shared one small slice of chocolate fudge cake with ice-cream. While it tasted heavenly, the sickness immediately followed. We vowed never to eat carbs again; we felt so awful. I even felt morally guilty about it. Yet only an hour later, at the cinema, we decided to just 'go with it' and order popcorn too. Again, we felt awful afterwards, and all night I wrestled with nausea. We abstained from carbs for the next week or so, trying to get back into ketosis, going through the withdrawal symptoms again.

But after only another week or two, the urges returned. I started getting careless, wreckless. A little chocolate here, a bit of toast there. Surely one little bite won't hurt. Before I knew it, I was fully back into the ways of carb addiction again. I wake up each morning determined 'today will be different' but end up blowing it by noon.

I have a problem.

I need help.

I want to get to a stage where I can live without carbs, and if I do want to indulge quietly every once in a while, the same way I occasionally enjoy a drink of alcohol, I won't binge. I don't know if this is possible, but it's the goal.

The first step to overcoming addiction is to admit you have a problem.

Hi, my name is Lori and I'm a carboholic.

America: The Beautiful?

I hate to get involved in the Culture Wars, except while in my own home where my husband and I like to mercilessly berate anyone whose views differ from ours and are therefore wrong, but it's late, and my sound judgement is maybe a little off kilter, and I'm just going to say this:

If anyone I know complains on Facebook about the SuperBowl Coca-Cola ad, I will de-friend them.

Yeah, it's maybe a little extreme, and I'm probably going to regret saying that in the morning, and in the end, I'll probably only remove you from my feed as opposed to full-fledged de-friending (maybe), but at this moment, when I'm feeling a little keto-woozey on my half-dram of Glenlivet, I am utterly disgusted with certain Americans right now. America the Beautiful? It is, but it's also made up of a lot of seriously un-beautiful jackasses.

"America the Beautiful" was sung multi-lingually in a Coke ad. It was a nice ad. It was ethnocentric (no, really, America, it was. It was America-worship.), but it was nice. Lots of people singing in their first languages. I heard some Spanish, some French, some German, was that some Arabic? and lots of other languages I'm not educated enough to recognize. It started and ended in English, of course. Me and my family, while watching the SuperBowl, joked that people were going to get all riled up, 'Murica-style about it, but we were only kidding. When Scott told me it really had caused a controversy, I thought he was messing with me. He sent me a link; I assumed it was a hoax site.

But no, really. People are ACTUALLY mad that Coke sang an American song in - gasp - a different language! You mean, all Americans don't speak American? Send those immigrants home!

Oh wait.

Seriously. I shouldn't even have to explain what is wrong with that line of thinking. There is so much wrong with it. I'm going to assume no one needs me to go into all the levels of wrong and stupid this is.

Because if you have a problem with this ad, you are not only an idiot, but you are an idiot. Yeah, I did that on purpose, because there is no other term for the idiocy that these racist Americans are spewing all over the internet. I have no respect for racists. I have some respect sometimes for idiots who can't help being idiots, but not for racist idiots.

MID-STREAM DISCLAIMER: Scott hates when I blog stuff like this. Sorry, honey, blame the whisky. Scott is not affiliated in any way with his wife. Except through marriage but that's different.

Apparently, part of the controversy is that they sang that particular song. Like it's a particularly English-only song. Either people are enraged because it's an American song sung by - gasp - bilingual Americans, or they think it's the national anthem. (To which I ask, why would that matter anyway? And also, it's not.) Is there something unpatriotic about languages that aren't English? Psst. Here's a bit of trivia for you. English isn't our language anyway. We stole it from, you know, England. Unless you are Native American, your own ancestors spoke a different language too upon arriving on this soil (unless they were from, you know, England). Come to think of it, if you ARE Native American, your ancestors also spoke a different language before the Europeans - some of them even spoke English - forced them off their own land and nearly annihilated their entire population with guns and disease.

Anyway, my diatribe is coming to an end. I've just run out of irritated steam. If you haven't seen the ad, here it is, in all it's linguistic glory.



***Now go read this to see what real-live Americans have to say about it.

Speak English!: Racist Revolt as Coca-Cola Airs Multilingual 'America the Beautiful' SuperBowl Ad

Cold. Conspiracy. Cheesecakes.

Tonight the wind chill is supposed to dip as low as -10 degrees Fahrenheit. In my book, that's pretty darn cold!

I do remember it getting cold before when I lived here. I even remember trying to tell someone how cold Arkansas could get and not being believed. Through the Scottish years, I began to believe that nothing could be as cold as Scotland, except perhaps northeastern Europe or Siberia. But I was wrong. Rains and winds and low temperatures are the bain of Scottish existence, but I never thought about freezing pipes. Tonight, in Arkansas, it's gonna get chilly. It's clear global warming is just a conspiracy theory. (Just kidding.)

Speaking of conspiracy theories, though, I love them. And actually I believe a lot of them. Scott kind of wants to elbow me in the gut when I start talking about them, but seriously, why not? Do we really believe the government is that honest and open with the public? After all, everyone thought Watergate and the NSA were conspiracy theories but surprise! Nixon was a crook and the NSA is monitoring your World of Warcraft activity.

(They probably have wire taps installed all over our house, thanks to Tec over here.)

Anyway, I won't go into detail on which theories I adhere to, as my husband's opinion of me is still something I moderately value, but just thought I'd throw that in there.

On the weight loss front, Scott and I are now seven pounds lighter each. Today was the first day I looked at my semi-naked figure in the mirror and thought, 'Is that tummy a little flatter?!' Incidentally, I feel great too. I have more energy than I've had in a long time, I'm never hungry and my cravings are mild. The one complaint I have of this keto diet is that it is affecting my sleep. I used to be able to fall asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, but these past few days I've tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable or sleep for long. I keep waking up all night long, and this morning, which should have been my lie-in morning, I woke up at 7.30 when Jaguar woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Scott says my body will adjust to this new energy. I hope he's right. Sleep is my favorite pastime.

In half an hour, we're heading over to my mom's for dinner. She's made chilli, which is off limits for us on our diet. However, we were saving our carbs all day for dinner anyway, as I had some spicy chicken nuggets we were planning on having, which are a little higher in carbohydrates than we would normally eat. I guess we'll just substitute yummy spicy breading for yummy jalapeños and beans. I've ordered us some Ketostix (though the off-brand, much cheaper), so we can verify if we are still in ketosis after moderately over-indulging now and then.

I'll leave you with this. Last night Scott made us some incredible low-carb cheesecakes in the microwave. Find the recipe here at Your Lighter Side. Each 1-cup serving was only 2.5 net carbs and 299 calories. All I have to say about these is DO IT.

Diet, Not Dying

So one of my New Year's Resolutions is to lose 15-20 lbs. This has been Day 2 of mine and Scott's keto diet.

Very briefly, for those of you who won't be interested enough to click the link, the ketogenic diet is a diet that puts your body into ketosis. Similar to things like Atkins, keto is very low carb (between 20-50g a day, ish), very high protein and high (animal) fat. IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS. It is very effective for diabetics, for instance, as it keeps blood sugar low and insulin steady. When Scott first told me about this diet a year and a half ago, I was appalled, but through time, he's convinced me. He lost over 40lbs in 3 months last time he went on this diet and kept most of it off. 

When we eat carbs all day, which turn into fat, our body burns that for energy, leaving the fat stores alone. In ketosis, the body starts burning the fat stores off for fuel. As long as you don't under-eat, or eat less than about 20g of carbs a day, your body won't go into starvation mode. Besides, carbs make you tired and sluggish and are just generally not good for a healthy, balanced diet.

(Let me add I'm still new to this, particularly the science part, so if I've made any errors above, someone more knowledgeable about it than me is welcome to correct.)

When you start a low-carb diet, the first few days are MISERABLE. Not only does your mind crave carbs, so does your body. Yesterday, my first day carb-less, was awful. I was grouchy, touchy, irritable, felt clammy and achy, and all I could think about was bread and cake and those delicious, fudgy dark chocolate brownies left over from Hogmanay. I went to bed last night at 10 just to escape my misery.

Today was a whole different experience. I woke up optimistic. I weighed myself and found I'd already lost 4 lbs. In one day! It was only water weight, but I'm not complaining. That's nearly a quarter of my total goal!

I also felt less sluggish today than I have been feeling lately. Also more motivated. I decided to take the kids to the zoo. Normally I dread the idea of taking my kids somewhere like that on my own, because I'm lazy and I prefer some company to keep me sane, but even with both my buddy Devon and my SIL Charity unable to join me, I still showered, fixed my hair and makeup, dressed the kids, and packed them all into the car with bottles of water and a stroller. The four of us were practically the only people in the whole zoo. We saw only two other families the whole time.

... Side note: I'm sure glad we have a zoo membership though, and I hadn't actually paid to get the four of us in. All the animals were hiding. It was a lot colder today than I realized. The only animals we saw were the tiger, the elephants, the giraffe (who was inside his house), and the primates and reptiles that were inside a building. The indoor birds section was closed for repairs, and all the other animals were no where to be found. Even the penguins were hiding indoors. We still managed to spend an hour at the zoo, though, walking around and getting some cold, fresh air.

Here kitty kitty kitty.

I came home, made lunch, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner... all feeling very with it, calm, and motivated. Supposedly this feeling only gets better as my body adjusts to its low-carb and healthier state. I'm still expecting another crash at some point before I start feeling really good, but today was pretty awesome.

So what have I eaten these past two days without starchy vegetables, grains, legumes, or those delicious, gooey brownies?

Day 1 (Jan 1)
Breakfast:
3 egg omelet with bacon, cheese and red chilli flakes with 1 avocado on the side (4g carbs all together)
Lunch:
A few slices of cheese wrapped in deli-sliced turkey and 1 sugar-free jello (0g)
Snack:
A few slices of cheese and 5 olives (1g)
Dinner:
1 smoked rib with a little BBQ sauce and fried okra (roughly 20g because of the okra and BBQ)
Post-dinner:
Cup of tea with milk and a sugar-free jello (1g)
Total for the day: 26g

Day 2 (Jan 2)
Breakfast:
3 egg omelet with bacon and 1/2 an avocado (2g)
Lunch:
Lettuce, turkey and cheese rolls with 10 olives (2g)
Sugar-free jello with whipped cream (1g)
Snack:
A boiled egg and a string cheese (1g)
Dinner:
Beef mince and pureed cauliflower (looked/tasted like mashed potatoes) and green beans (5g)
Total for the day: 11g which means I need to actually go eat at least 9 more! Think I'll have half a clementine!

It's amazing. Yesterday, I was peckish all day. I kept opening the cupboards hoping to find something magical to eat. Today, I never really did that. In fact, my dinner STUFFED me.

I'm feeling so positive about this diet now. Last time I tried it, I had only just had a baby a couple of months prior, and it was a really bad idea to try it then. My milk supply went down, and I felt very 'carb-fluey', and it was really bad compounded with post-partum lethargy and life adjustment. Now seems to be a much better time in my life for it, and I'm ready.

Let's do this!

This is a positive, smiling, ready to get healthy me.