Wednesday, February 12, 2014

The Missing Element

My "theme" for 2014, as decided after last year's October Dress Project, was/is "Satisfaction". More specifically, I wanted to make an effort to be satisfied with what I have and where I am right now. So far, I can't say I've made much headway in this. I still look at the clothes hanging in my closet every day and think, "I can't/won't wear 90% of this stuff." Either it doesn't fit, it's the wrong season (I never did get much in the way of winter-wear), or it's just not me. I still look at where I'm living and think, "I can't wait to get out of here." My house is starting to feel more like a home, which I'm happy about, though I still have so many things I'd like to do to decorate it. I still haven't gotten around to making many friends either, but that's where this thought process is going...

Before I expect satisfaction, I need motivation. It's the missing element.

I can't be satisfied with my situation if I don't have the motivation to change it. Granted, motivation won't fix everything; I can be very motivated about going to the mall, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to spend our money there! But I can be motivated about getting myself in a better place mentally, emotionally, physically and socially.

I've only been here in America eight months, though it feels like so much longer, but it's not like me to sit at home all day, every day, letting the kids watch TV while I busy myself with housework or lie on the couch in a bored or depressed daze. I'm in-between everything right now, and in-between is never a comfortable or exciting place to be.

I'm in-between Lolly being at school. In Scotland, she was in nursery and would've been at school this year. Here she can't start school until August. It's an in-between year with her back at home with me again for a year, and we're both going stir crazy.

I'm in-between homes. I was settled in Greenock, and I hope to settle somewhere else soon. I'm not settled here in Arkansas and if I'm honest, I guess I don't really want to be. I also know we won't be in this house for any longer than another year, so I don't feel it's worth the effort to get really properly settled in this house either.

I'm in-between friends. I had so many close friends before I moved, and I haven't yet quite made those same kind of friends again. I have met people who have great potential for becoming good friends, if I'd just make the effort, though. I just haven't made the effort. I guess I'm afraid of missing them if/when we move away?

I'm in-between faiths. I am not quite a Christian any more, but I'm not quite something else yet either. I don't know what I actually believe, I just know what I don't believe.

I'm even in-between sizes! I've lost enough weight that my old clothes hang off me, but I'm not yet the size I'm going to be, therefore I can't justify buying new clothes yet.

Having my Scottish in-laws staying with us these past few weeks has kind of made me realize how much this needs to change. My father-in-law, who is the kind of guy who tells it like it is, keeps commenting on how "greetin'-faced" I am these days, and how it's not like me to be stuck in all the time. I get the impression that I get talked about a lot for it behind my back! They have made sure me and Scott have gotten out a few times to spend time together without kids, and they have encouraged me to get to the gym. It turns out (and I only found this out because they found out for me) that our local community center not only does the kind of Group Fifitness classes that I enjoy, but they also have childcare!

So I have some new goals, which will require motivation to achieve.

Get fit. Today, I woke up early, got dressed in the only set of gym clothes I have, and went to the gym. I put Jaguar in the creche, Lolly went into the twice-weekly KidFifit class, and Marion and I went to a Step class. It felt great. It also meant Lolly got a little social interaction too, which she's been missing out on - and suffering for. I now have a one-month membership to try it out. I have good intentions of taking Lolly to KidFifit twice a week, taking myself to Kickboxing, Step, PowerPump and Yoga, and taking all the kids to the pool on Saturdays. I'm also back on Keto, and I'm not going to give in to carb temptation! (Even when my father-in-law makes delcious-smelling toast at 10pm... grrr.)

Get crafty. I have started sewing a little again. I'm making the flower girl dresses for the three flower girls at my brother's wedding next month (Fifi, Lolly and my niece Ava). I've also made a taggie blanket for my sister-in-law who's due her baby next month, and I'm making one for my other sister-in-law in Scotland who's just had a baby, and once I know what sex her baby is, my other sister-in-law will get one for her baby due in the summer. Scott has promised me my own new sewing machine next month, so I won't have to rely on borrowing machines from family members. (He's the best.)

Get friendly. Last week, I went to a visitation for my friend's father who just passed away. On the way home, I sat in the back seat of the car with my two old best friends from high school, Devon and Liz, and we all lamented that we don't do anything any more besides sit at home alone. I think we all need to change that. I also have a new friend here in town that I really like (hi, Mandy!), and I'm determined to get to know her better and see her more. (In fact, I'm meeting up with her and her kiddos tomorrow.) I may never have my old Tuesday night Craft Night back (boy, do I miss Craft Night and my awesome Craft Night buddies), but some kind of regular chin-wag with friends is something I really need to make happen.

And finally, Get the book done. I'm now brave enough to call my 'project' a 'book'. I have enough pages written, and enough material in my head I still have to cover, that I can confidently say I'm writing an actual book. Now, what I'll do with this book once it's finished is completely undecided, but getting the book written is necessary and essential for me in a million ways. I've had to take a break while in-laws are here, with the baby sleeping in my room, and therefore no privacy for writing, but the ideas keep coming and I'm jotting them all down, and thinking about it constantly. This book is happening!

These are my goals. I feel motivated about them today; I'm not so naive as to think I may not feel less motivated tomorrow. The act of sharing them publicly, though, helps keep me on track.

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