Monday, June 30, 2003

You know, some of my less nerdy friends make fun of me for having a blog. But blogging, I've discovered, has been the best way for me to stay in touch with the people I love who now are so far away (Taylor, Cait, Joshua, Kristen...) I know more about the Rudd family than Andrew does. Ha! But no, seriously, it's good to know how you guys are doing all the time. It's not as good as seeing you in the flesh but it's better than nothing at all.

So on that note, I copied this from Taylor and Caitlin. Sorry for those of you who aren't going to find this funny. In fact, that's why I'm doing this: Click here to read a few quirky googlisms all about me (Lori.)

Well folks, this is it. This is my last day in America. Ah, it feels nice. I'm working, ahem "working", a half day today which is actually going to be much different than I planned. Originally, I was going to be working a half day to catch up on anything I have left to finish, help out with Year End stuff (today's the last day of the fiscal year), and whatever else. Now, I shall be backing up my files, moving any private files to a floppy, and packing away my personal desk items. Why? WHY?! Because they are taking my office away from me, that's why. Moving me to the freaking basement, that's why. Ever seen Office Space? When they move that poor guy down into the basement and take his stapler away? That's what they are doing to me here! *Off the record, the way I feel about it is, I want to go to midwife school. Originally I was ok with waiting a few years and working here like we talked about in my interview. I gladly agreed to put off my midwifery school to do this job. But if they are going to treat their employees like this, they shouldn't be surprised if I decide to go ahead and go to school sooner than planned. I mean, why should I put off my dream and plans for an employer that doesn't care how they treat their employees? *Back on the record, I'm just pissed.

So anyway, there's not much more to say. This is it. I'm outta here in the morning. British Isles, here I come.

Friday, June 27, 2003

If I Were a Stalker, Tony Tost Would Run

Hah ho! You wanna see something funny? Go here! I just made some crazy funny slogans. Here are a few of them:

For 'brock' (in honor of scott):
- "It takes a tough man to make a tender brock."
- "Brock tested, mother approved."

For 'sharkie':
- "Every kiss begins with Sharkie."
- "Make it a Sharkie night."

And for the absolute funniest ones, there are so many! 'tony tost':
- "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tony Tost?"
- "I wish they could all be Tony Tost girls."
- "All you add is Tony Tost."
- "Happiness is Tony Tost-shaped."
- "You deserve a Tony Tost today."
- "Don't be vague. Ask for Tony Tost."
- "You can't top a Tony Tost."
and my favorite one: "Splash Tony Tost all over."

Gosh! This program even knows how much funnier things are when you throw in a Tony Tost reference!!
Please, enjoy yourselves.
For UK Residents Only

So sometimes life is just too ironic to get upset about. Sometimes you just gotta laugh at it. Sometimes you've got to force a smile, see the humor, and just freaking laugh.

Last night, Scott Brock helped me move my furniture out of my house and into my storage space. Afterwards we went to Barnes & Noble to get some boxes. When we got back to my house, Scott remembered something from his car and brought in a magazine he'd bought me for my trip. It was a British magazine called Word; he thought it would be something fun for me to read on the plane.

Well in this British magazine was a scratch card, one of those "You Could Win £2 Million! (in prizes...)". So we read the directions. It said you had to find two or more matching symbols to win. Scratch all four boxes. So I scratched Box One. Four tiny symbols but none of them matched. I scratched Box Two. Four tiny symbols- All of them matched!!! "Scott, does this mean I win?" We didn't know, maybe you had to match symbols in two different boxes, not just one. So I scratched the other two boxes, and got matching symbols out of two different boxes. "Scott, I think I won." I read the bottom of the card: "Four matching symbols=Grand Prize Winner." There are three grand prizes, you win one of them. It was between £2500 cash, £20,000, a holiday for 2 in the Canaries, or a 10 Day Fully Inclusive Cruise.

There was another card.

We scratched it. It said you had to get a match of 2, 3 or 5 in a row to win. I scratched the first line, got two. Scratched the second line, got two. Scratched the last line, got five. "I honestly think we won again." Five matching symbols wins either a cruise, £25,000, £750 cash, or a 4 day European holiday.

There was another box on each card that said only winners can scratch this. Well, we decided that if we didn't really win and there was some kind of trick, it didn't matter if we scratched the forbidden box. And if we did win, we had the right to scratch the box. So I scratched the first one. It said "CONGRATULATIONS! You have won! To claim call this number..." The second card said, "CONGRATULATIONS! You are a TOP PRIZE winner! To claim call this number..."

"Scott, I think it's illegal to lie. I really think we won." Well, granted, I didn't really think we'd won. There had to be a loophole. We read the rules on the backs of the cards. "Yeah, yeah... yeah... All this stuff applies..."

Then, directly in the middle of the rules: "Open to UK residents only." That was the kicker. "Ah, so they ship their winning cards to other countries. That's brilliant."

So like I said. Life is funny sometimes. You just have to deal with it. And laugh. I kinda won. In a non-elligible way. That's ok. I was doing fine without all that money anyway. Though a trip to the Canaries would have been unbelievable...

"The world embarrasses me." -Voltaire

Thursday, June 26, 2003

My Mid-Week Summer Vacation

(For the record: Oh gross, I hate this new format for blogger. Gag, bleh, ick, its totally ugly.)

I just had the most incredible two days ever. Oh, I don't even know if I can explain in words how wonderful it was. Sharkie played in Little Rock Tuesday night at the White Water Tavern and it was the best show ever. We had so much fun. We played rather seamlessly, we had fun, the crowd was totally into it... Man, it was awesome. As Roger put it "It was some of our best work ever." The people all crowded around the stage and danced, sang along, clapped when they were supposed to, everything. The best part was that during Hugs and Kisses, people made out! I mean, not too much of the crowd made out, but people came and made out with us! (Well, with Gangster and Roger- I didn't get any play.) Actually, it was just one guy who made out with G. and R. (ha, G & R), but he did slip them both the tongue. That's what counts. After we played, tons of people came up to us and told us how much they enjoyed the show and whatnot and even a couple people asked us to play at houseshows and with their bands.

Ah but the excitement only begins there. The other bands were all a lot of fun, lots of punk, Darth Lion, Gut Feeling, and The American Princes. After the show, G. and R. and I sneaked into the RiverWalk apartments and slipped into the hot tub. We just relaxed for about an hour, chilling in a ritzy complex, getting eaten by mosquitos... We spent the night with Rebekah in her new LR apartment and in the morning at monkey bread (Chris, you should try it, *wink wink) and watched part of Miller's Crossing. Then we started our Little Rock adventure. We first went to Savers and shopped around. Then we ate lunch at the Pizza Cafe. We went to this new record store by Vino's and I almost bought a Cornelius record, Point, but changed my mind (my turntable's broken, I wouldn't be able to listen to it if i bought it). Then we drove to North Little Rock and went to the mall where we ate Dippin Dots, G. and I got another ear piercing each, and R. and G. made t-shirts for their girlfriends with their own picture on it. We went to the dollar theater and watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days for 50 cents, and G. caught a plush toy Homie out of the crane machine. After the movie we went to Vinos where we ate pizza with a couple of the guys from The American Princes on the ever exclusive patio and Gangster made out with his girlfriend who's staying in LR for the summer. At around 7:30 we left and drove back to Fayetteville, to be greeted by cool, pre-storm air and lightening. Seriously. My life has never been more Ferris Bueller.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Boar Dumb

Much like my last post, I don't have a whole lot of interesting information to put forth. So why do I bother posting today at all, you ask? The answer is simple. Boredom. Two syllables: boar dumb. Speaking of syllables, just how many syllables are in the word "tire"? AH don't speak so soon, you say one. But just try saying "tire" in one syllable. Ha! Where are you from, south Texas? I'm sure if you look in a dictionary it would give you a pronunciation something like this " TYRE". Still, it is a fallacy. Even TYRE takes a pause, separating the word into seemingly two different syllables. This subject is on my mind because my wonderful friend Chris had a tire disaster yesterday and my heart goes out to him. Some things suck.

In fact, many things suck. Like boar dumb for instance. My supervisor is at a conference right now. I'm left to hold down the fort. But the truth is, many days, the fort is more like the looseleaf paper. Holding it down isn't a problem. Just drop a paperweight down on it and its held. I could leave and it would be held. Thats what today is. The fort is the paper. I am the paperweight. Yesterday, the fort was like a big top. Not terribly hard to hold down, but you have to do some work. You can't just tie down the corners to some cement blocks and walk away. You have to dig holes. Drop in poles. Fill in the holes with poles with cement. Tie the big top to the poles. Et cetera. So yesterday wasn't bad. Today is paper.

Not to mention the tiredness I feel. Which I basically just mentioned. Which leads me to another question. What arrogant schmuck coined the phrase "Not to mention.."? By saying "Not to mention" and then following it up with what you just stated was not worth mentioning, you have indeed created a facade of humility, or nobleness while still saying the unmentionable. It's the worst when its used for complaining. "Gosh, ------ is so annoying. She always eats my food. She always leaves the door unlocked. NOT TO MENTION she never feeds the cat..." Blah blah blah, if your going to mention it, just mention it.

Tonight, my friends, is my first out of town show with Sharkie. Not to mention my first time at the White Water Tavern. I hear its a great time. A great big fat sleazy time. Hip hip hurray! And that also means I have tomorrow off. Hip hip hurray!

On that note, I think I should cease my ramblings. I am going to go to the Union again on another attempt to find a juice. I only have like a dollar thirty- but certainly juice is about that? If there were a juice machine somewhere, i know it would be cheaper. Maybe I'll just go all the way to Kimpel. I don't know. Wish me luck.

"The less men think, the more they talk." -Charles Montesquieu

Monday, June 23, 2003

I do believe this campus is void of fruit juices. What happened to all the juice machines I used to see? Are they all in the dorms? Do I have to go all the way to Kimpel for a freaking juice? ("This is jr. high, you don't drink apple juice. You drink orange juice.") Whatever.

This weekend was mighty eventful. Friday I went shopping (I feel pretty guilty about it actually) and got some pretty work clothes. Then I went to Jessica/Emily/Kim/Laura's house for the show which was a lot of fun. That night we went to a hotel party where someone drank all my beer before I even got there. (I forgot that people suck and don't care who's beer they steal. Jerks.) The next morning I went to breakfast with some folks at Petra and it was yummy and THEN... I got my tattoo. :) It hurt. I'll be posting pictures pretty soon. That night was the KXUA Cook out at JRs. It was fun. But i was tired and my foot hurt from standing so much so I went home kinda early.

Eh... not much else to say. I want some juice. Guess I'll have to wait til lunch when I go home.

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Friday, June 20, 2003

Just to follow up on the email below...

I didn't wipe out the uark server today but I nearly blew the email. Seriously.
Welcome to My Online Grog

Will this ever-loving week ever end?? I'm seriously pooped. I don't know how I made it in this morning. What is it now, like Wednesday of next week? I can't believe how long this week has been. My brain is so fried. Scrambled brains, anyone? I shouldn't be allowed to work when I'm this fried. I'm going to wipe out the entire server or something. (Luckily I don't have access to that type of destruction.) I do however have access to other weapons of mass destruction- the enter key. All it takes is a slip of my fingers to accidentally "replace" instead of "copy" and hit enter and I could wipe out serious programs in Ascend. SOMEONE READING THIS TELL ON ME! TELL JAMIE I'M A HAZARD TODAY! I even went to bed early last night. We have our Thursday night Bible studies on Thursdays (oh geez) but we cancelled last night. Krauss was the only one to show up so we decided he could go home and play his new video games, and I could go to bed. But I spent the whole night chasing after my turtle (I have that dream at least once a week) so I really didn't rest. However, last night I made a break through with Speedy. Last night, he could talk so I explained to him the danger of him always trying to get out of his tank. I carried him through the house saying "See, there's no water anywhere. You'd dry up. Then you wouldn't be able to get back in your tank and you'd die. Do you see why I keep you in that tank now? Its for your own safety." Speedy understood and rested in my arms like a kitty and fell asleep. He explained to me the reason he always tried to get out of the tank was because a turtle in a tank nearby told him his tank was the Nile and that always scared him. "There's nothing deeper than the Nile," Speedy told me. I assured him that that turtle was just a bully and Speedy's tank wasn't the Nile at all and Speedy felt much better. Poor thing. No wonder he hated that tank so bad. I think now he'll be ok. (And maybe I can stop having that dream.)

Go here for my Friday Five answers. Go to 814 Storer tonight for the Sharkie show (bring a donation for buck.buck.) Go to JRs tomorrown night for the KXUA Summer Cook Out. I'll see you there. I'll be the one with scraggly hair and bags under my eyes.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Sleepless in SelectPlus

Last night was the worst dream night of my entire life. First- I was listening to The Tickle as I went to sleep and had a really weird experience. I was concious in that stage right before sleep- the one where you aren't asleep but if someone were to call you'd accuse them of waking you up. That stage you call "I was almost back to sleep when you called and woke me up." But we're never concious in that state, we've already reached the unconciousness. Well last night I was in that state and knew it. I suddenly got scared- I felt like there were ghosts in my room. I started praying that God would take my scaredness away when I felt this body-like pressure against my back as if someone had sat down on the covers beside me, tightening the covers around me and leaning against my back. But I was asleep and I found I couldn't move to turn around and assure myself no one was there. I thought there was a door behind me and the person had entered through that door. I even remember my eyes being open and staring at the closet door and praying but not being able to turn over. Finally I actually fell asleep and this is when the scariest part of the night occurred: I began dreaming about SelectPlus.

SelectPlus is the computer program I use at work. I've been learning how to do "multiple passes" but I'm still pretty shaky with it. Last night, in my sleep, SelectPlus showed up. I began doing multiple passes. In fact, I began working on this enormous Annual Fund report with about thirty passes. I only know how to do about three! But not in my sleep. I started typing. I worked on this report all night long. Then the alarm went off. I hit the snooze- and resumed my report. Nine minutes later, alarm. Snooze, more SelectPlus. Nine minutes later, alarm. Snooze, SelectPlus. Not only did I dream about work all night, I mini-dreamed about it during my entire 45 minutes snooze session. I finally woke up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. In the shower all I could think was "I have to go to work and KEEP working on SelectPlus."

Well I'm here now, and program is running but I don't have the courage to look at it. I know I have reports to do. I have to train someone today. I can't get away from it. Someone bring me a Rick's sausage roll, please. I don't think I'm going to make it through the day, let alone week.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

YES! I fixed that stupid indenting thing! Yay!

This is the best quizzila quiz I've ever taken.

You are Ephesians
You are Ephesians.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

The Gossip Column

(I'm going to start titling my entries. How fun!)

Two things about gossip to keep in mind:
1. It never pays.
2. It sometimes pays.

Ok, so I was going to tell you the story but I don't really want to be a real gossip column so I'll say this: It only paid once and that was when I told a friend to "watch out" for a certain guy, totally out of the blue, because he isn't very nice to girls and as it turns out, she was dating him. I didn't know that until I left that night, but when I told her she seemed kinda sad and said thanks for warning her..... so I don't know, gossip's really no good, but geez I hope this girl took my unintended good advice. She's a super sweet girl and this guy... wouldn't appreciate that about her.

Sooo, that's the end of that.

And for more important news....

I am getting my tattoo on Saturday. Yesterday at Arsaga's I was discussing my tattoo with David and I got really excited and said "Let's go. Now." So we got up, and went down to Beeline to get it priced. The girl looked at the design and said "That'll be a hundred bucks." Excuse me? For this little old thing? We thanked her and left. David was going to get his tattoo touched up (he got it done there and they messed up, so he gets a free touch up) but they said he'd have to come back on a Tuesday (it was a Tuesday.) Whatever. I was disapointed but we decided that this Saturday we'd drive down to Rogers and get them done at Triple A. Apparently they do really good work for not too expensive. Granted, I need to be saving money for my trip right now but, hey, it's a tattoo. No, it's not "a" tattoo, its my FIRST (maybe only) tattoo. I'm very excited. Gangster and Roger are getting Sharkie tattoos and asked if I wanted to get one with them... eh.. i don't think so. Maybe if i got a design for the word "Sharkie" in Arabic calligraphy... haha. gosh, i wish i knew how to paste pictures on here- i could show you what sharkie in arabic would look like. But as Taylor pointed out, my drawings are way too big and I don't know how to size them down. (I know what you're thinking- this girl acts like a computer nerd, then doesn't even know that. Ok, so I'm a wannabe computer nerd. I don't care what you think.)

that's it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

The Story of My Pants

In one day I:
-spilled coffee on my pants
-wiped my greasy fingers on my pants without thinking
-dripped grilled cheese sandwich cheese on my pants
-got an ink mark on my pants
-was cleaning out the refridgerator, throwing out a tuperware full of old hamburger helper, lost control of the dish, and dumped leftovers all over my pants.

It was not a good day for those pants. It was a good day however the night before when Katie said I could have those pants. Otherwise, I would have totally defaced my roommates nice brown slacks. Instead I defaced my own new nice brown slacks.


I'm gonna share something that happened to me that was very spiritually encouraging. Sunday I had to speak in front of the church to tell them about my mission trip and while I was speaking, I mentioned that I'd like for them to be praying for me that my faith would increase. I said I felt like all I was seeing was God not saving people and I really needed faith that God would work. After I sat down, Joshua Ayres came up to me and said, "You know, before you even said anything about your faith and God changing people, I thought 'Wow, God has changed this girl.' I remember you when you were a freshman and you are a completely different girl now. So I just wanted to remind you that God changed you." Its funny how we live an entire lifetime as ourselves and the things that happen to us typically are the most impacting things in our lives- yet we so easily forget what God has done in our own lives. We see what is happening or not happening with everyone else and forget that God has done a serious work in ourselves! God brought me from a pot-smoking, drug experimenting, booty-dancing, angry, depressed girl to the person I am today. I am by no means perfect now, not even close, but I've certainly come a long way. I'm not who I once was. Christ lives in me now. I was crucified with Christ. Now the life which I live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me. (Gal 2:20) Neat stuff.

Monday, June 16, 2003

Want to view my design for my possible tattoo? Too bad. I can't scan it in. But what I did do for you is draw a terrible sketch of it on paintbrush and have posted that on the web. Use your imagination- picture it much smoother, slenderer, gracefuller.... and thats what the tattoo looks like.
I had my parents in town for the weekend. It was nice. I took them to the Flying Burrito and they enjoyed it. (My dad was immensley bothered by the music coming from the Powerhouse patio however.) I also took them to the Terra Studios to look at all the pottery and the bluebirds of happiness and Mom enjoyed that. She bought herself a little bluebird... We also went to Arsagas so my parents could look at the art and get some coffee. Then we had dinner with some of their friends. It was a nice little day.

So. What is it about spilling drinks in really inappropriate circumstances? We had our monthly development group meeting and i had a cup of coffee. I set it right by the wall so it wouldn't get knocked over. All during the meeting I kept an eye on it because it would be embarrassing to spill it. I made it through the entire meeting. Yet as we were all leaving, i picked it up and dropped it. Coffee went all over my pants (barely missed Stephanie's) and all over the floor. Just in time for everyone exiting the building to see and have to walk around. Geez. I am a superklutz.

I'm so happy to be single, might I just say. Single and fabulous (with no questionmark.) Oh the freedom. When your single, you dont have to keep faithful feelings for anyone. I can drop a crush like that without being a bad person. Nooot to say I'm very capable of dropping a crush like that, but I could if it were necessary. There are many fish in the sea. Someday I'll meet my very own prince on a white seahorse, but until then, i don't mind swimming around with the school. (Just watch out for pirhannas, there's always pirhannas, Tripping Daisy once said.)

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Things That Sucked About Last Night:
1. My crush came in with another girl.
2. I spent too much money on crap I didn't need.
3. I went to a party where everyone was smoking out, thus
a) changing my whole concept of that crowd and
b) causing me to leave very early (as soon as I realized my nose was detecting a long forgotten smell.)

Things That Were Good About Last Night:
1. Aquaduct
2. I got to meet a really nice guy.
2b. who is friends with Tripping Daisy.
3. I talked to Tony Tost.
4. I got along with Andrew in public.
5. I bought The Tickle CD and it is good.

Friday, June 13, 2003

Click here for my Friday Five responses. (Taylor, you're a genius for putting your questionnaire somewhere else. I'm doing it too.)
I tend to believe my Thursday night Bible study is one of a kind.

Half the time I'm frustrated because no one can stay focused and in the middle of discussing Ezra someone will go off about Joan Jett. Then the other half of the time I feel it went really well and I learned a lot.

Last night was different.

Kraus talked about Ecclesiastes and how everything is meaningless. How the only thing that is worth investing in is other people and stuff. It was good. Then before I knew it we were flipping each other off with all the many different varieties and styles of flip-offs. We flipped each other off for like 30 minutes. We examined the intent of different flips-offs, along with the many faces that go behind the middle finger and what each combination meant. Then it turned into pick up lines. Then it turned into a combination of flipping off and pick up lines. My personal favorite combo was the flip-off-then-wink-while-saying-"Ya like that? Let's do sumpin." (Thanks Dustin for sharing that line with me at lunch. It changed my life.) My second favorite was Drew's pickup line to be used by women: the-look-up-and-down-and-say-"Mm. I just had twins." And Kraus's addition to that (a preceding "Plop, plop.") was good too.

Seriously. What other Bible study ends this way? Most of the time I don't think its very good to end a night of talking about Jesus with flipping off your friends. But on the other hand, we had a great time. We invested time in each other. I felt closer to each person there last night than I have in a while. So maybe that time of meaningless chatter was actually a good investment. That's what the lesson was about anyway. Things become meaningless if they are ill-spent or spent selfishly. But those same things can be highly uplifting if used to build up people. Like money. videogames. middle fingers.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Mmm.... There's this little drink called jagermiester. I love it. I loved it last night. I loved it for free. Hey Scots, I know you turn your nose at this stuff but believe me- drink it cold and you'll feel like a million bucks.

Well for a little bit of useless information, I went trip-shopping last night. I love that. It's so exciting to buy things like batteries, film, dramamine... Those darn Europeans use a different voltage over there than we do so I had to buy this adapter set so I could use my plug-in electronics. Its heavy and cost $20. I was totally picturing like a little quarter-inch plug or something.. No. It's half my weight limit. I also bought a lot of juice for the fast that is coming up. I will be doing my first extended fast (one week!) along with many others in our church to pray for the country of Yemen. This is going to be a big stinking deal for me- i've never fasted that long and I've always struggled with fasting and working at the same time. I understand in my head that its not realistic to think I'm supposed to spend all day in prayer and meditation, but i always feel like I'm fasting wrong anyway. When I'm at work its not like i can have my thoughts on praying very often at all. I've gotta pay attention to what I'm doing or I'll screw up. (I screw up even when i do pay attention.) I guess I just assume other people are more spiritual than me and therefore can run computer programs and pray at the same time. Or worse, other people know some different form of prayer that I'm too immature a Christian to understand. So this will be a challenge. Still I feel strongly that God is asking me to fast as well and he's the man, what he says goes. He's not going to ask me to do something I can't. He's only concerned about two things- His glory and my growth. I see a week-long fast as a step in the direction of both.

wow, i just went from dramamine to fasting. what?

I splurged this morning. Rick's bakery. A blueberry donut and a chocolate filled long john. an Irish creme coffee. BLISS.

OH and one other thing- if someone can tell me why my blog keeps indenting each post further and further across the page, please tell me and tell me how to make it stop! I didn't put that code in there.

"I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvelous are Thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." Psalm 139:14

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Ok. Dork time! I've recognized that with my new computer job i've become EVEN dorkier than I used to be. I mean, i've started a freaking blog for crying out loud. and now, for the piece de resistance- i am about to achieve an even higher level of dorkiness: questionaire!! (I stole this off joker on the run's blog- but i narrowed it down to the top best questions so it wouldn't be too long and someone might actually read through it (there were like a trillion questions before.) Maybe i'll remove it later today too like i did the Friday Five post. I decided that one wasn't fun at all.

-- Name: Lori
-- The shoes you wore today: girly doc martens, the kind with the buckles
-- Your weakness: chocolate, fear, pride
-- Your fears: becoming a lazy christian, loneliness
-- Your perfect pizza: cable car- pepperoni. bor-ing but its true
-- Your thoughts first waking up: Just one more snooze. This will be the last one.
-- Your most missed memory: playing in my grandpa's barn, sliding of the hay shoot. Building forts with the bales of hay.
-- Single or group dates: depends- if its a maybe-date, single. if its a for sure date- freak me out! take me with a group!
-- Smoke: ew
-- Sing: oh gosh yes. i sing in the car like a maniac, in front of my mirror like a rockstar, in a band like a geek
-- Take a shower everyday: not if i can help it. i'd shower twice a week if it wouldn't make me smell funny. i settle for once every other day.
-- Do you think you've been in love: yeah. next question.
-- Like(d) high school: parts, yeah. the later high school years were fun (mixed in with sucky.) but i'm sure as hell glad to be out.
-- Want to get married: yes. yes.
-- Believe in yourself: well, lets be honest here- yes. but when i truly start thinking about it, no- i believe in Jesus in me but not in myself.
-- Get motion sickness: yes it sucks.
-- Think you're attractive: a lot of the time. sometimes i feel totally gross but i'm pretty happy with myself in general
-- Think you're a health freak: no. i could stand to be much freakier.
-- Get along with your parent(s): yeah. me and mom are great pals, me and dad have become closer than i ever could've imagined a few years ago.
-- Play an instrument: nope. i know four chords on guitar but i dont think that means i play guitar.

In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: yes, bought a pitcher last night (but only drank two glasses. i'm no heavy drinker)
-- Smoked: no
-- Done a drug: not at all
-- Made Out: not in real life, see next post
-- Gone on a date: gosh that one's a toughie. I've gone on a maybe-date.
-- Gone to the mall?: well, yes actually. Ingrid wanted to go to Banana Republic while she was in town. sooo i went.
-- Eaten sushi: as a matter of fact i have, which is weird. i ate eel.
-- Been on stage: at Arsaga's with Sharkie.
-- Been dumped: no thank God
-- Age you hope to be married: before i'm 30?
-- Numbers and Names of Children: don't know- Mary Eleanor for sure
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: it'll change. the only thing for certain is i want "Love with Me" by Keith Green to be played.
-- How do you want to die: Romantically like a character in a Marquez book.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: a midwife-missionary-artist-writer-rockstar-scientist-ballerina
-- What country would you most like to visit: Antarctica
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: Amanda, Andrew, my parents
-- Number of piercings: seven
-- Number of tattoos: in the near future one
I'd like to make an addendum to my last post, about make out dreams.

Stephanie's made out with Ewan McGregor. How freaking unfair is that?

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Make-out dreams.

So what part of my brain is it that decides who I make out with? and why does it pick those people? Why can't I make out with Eddie Furlong or Travis Morrison? And furthermore, what's with the mental pictures and emotions that stick with you all day after?

Don't get me wrong. I love the guy I made out with last night. We're great friends. But seriously, make-out?? That is the farthest thing from my mind. Why don't I ever get to make-out with the guys that I really like in my dreams? It's like my brain is mocking me. "Haha! So-and-so would never make out with you, not even in your dreams! But here- this guy will make out with you- in your dreams at least!!" It's the ultimate low. And its humiliating, going a whole day thinking so-and-so the dream-kisser is actually kinda cute...

Whatever. As Eleni Mandell once said "Action is action, don't you wanna get some?" I guess some action is better than no action.

Monday, June 09, 2003

a poem:
alpenglow is the most beautiful word

fuzzy wuzzy was a bare
stare on your alpenglow hair
never did I ever dream I’d scheme you
into dreaming of me.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

Ladies and Gentlemen, mark your calendars for next year-- June 6 is now officially "Best Bath and Beer" day (or if you don't drink, or are pregnant or nursing, make it "Best Bath and Beverage" day.) Its the day of the year where you plan the best bath ever and you enjoy yourself and you drink a beer in the bathtub. It doesn't matter how stressed out you are, its the Best Bath holiday.

This weekend has been surprisingly nice. I have trouble enjoying being alone sometimes. I get lonely and bored. But I really wanted to enjoy this alone time. So yesterday I had the best bath ever (lemongrass bubblebath!) and I drank a Hornsby Hard Cidar and ate a banana. It was fantastic. Then I watched Spinal Tap which I've been wanting to watch for a long time. This morning I went book shopping and bought two books of poetry, Miller Williams and WB Yeats. I spent some time reading this morning then I rented two movies that I've been wanting to see but none of my friends would ever rent with me. So far thats where I am right now, watching the Festival of Cannes.

Treat yourself sometime. It feels good.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Reasons I should never eat Nutella alone:
1. It makes me feel like a fatty.
2. It makes me lonely
3. It reminds me of the Dallas Rudds whom I miss intensely.

Reasons I should eat Starburst at work:
1. They are chewy. Helps the stress.
2. They are fruity, thus not making me feel like such a fatty.
3. They are each individually wrapped, lessening the temptation to eat them all or they'll go bad.
4. The pretty colors brighten my day.
5. They make me feel like a kid again. Good for when I spend all day doing grown-up computery things.

Reasons I should stop making lists and go back to work:
1. I have a lot of work to do.
2. I'm having a problem with my email/database system and need to work it out.
3. People campus wide are waiting on me. (inactively anyway)

I'm smiling today. It's a good day. It's going to be a good weekend. You all look beautiful. Don't change a thing. That outfit goes great with your hair.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Having a good day? Don't go here.

For me, one of the most nerve-wracking and anxiety-filled experiences is bursts of inspiration. I know. What's up with that? Lately I've been having these incredible moments of creativity and inspiration- and it scares the crap outta me! I've felt artistic. I've been writing poems. I've had ideas. And I've been acting on them. But I get this feeling of guilt that I'm wasting these precious moments by not doing enough. I have a job. I'm at the office for nine hours out of my fiveteen awake ones a day. I should be writing volumes! I should be painting! I should be building furniture! Its easier when I have no imagination because then I can blame my idleness on "writers block."

Not that I'm being idle by any means. I'm loving it. I am writing. I'm thinking, I'm reading, I'm creating. This is what I love to do. But with dishes to wash, deadlines to meet, and weekly engagements to attend, I can't spend all my time inventing. Does this make any sense? Basically what I'm saying is I feel guilty when I'm inspired because I can't dedicate my whole life to it. That's what I'm saying.

Yesterday I made a birthday card with a birthday poem. That made me feel good.
This week I've written three poems that I kinda like.
I'm updating my poetry website.

I wish people actually read my blog.

Top Three People Who Have Inspired Me This Week: (2 of whom I do not know, 3 of whom do not know me.)
Alex the girl
Keri Smith
Tony Tost
Follow these links to read/see some great things.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

I made a Mikhail Gorbechev Power Point last summer for my western civ class. Since then I haven't been able to find the disk. But today, I brought my disk of poems to work to email to someone and it was on there! I haven't been able to find it because my computer at home doesn't have power point. (Its old.) So i just watched my presentation. Gorbechev was a great man. GREAT man. I'd like to shake his hand. I wish i knew how to do cool things like put power points up on my website. Anyway, don't believe Gorbechev was just some Communist who needed to be overthrown so Russia could become a capitalist nation. It's just not that way.

“The country received freedom, was liberated politically and spiritually, and that’s the most important achievement.” -Gorbachev’s resignation speech 1991
“He has decided that he would risk his power in order to save his reforms, rather than risk his reforms to save his power.”-Richard Nixon of Gorbachev

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Sometimes I pass the time taking those aggravatingly stupid quizzes and I usually end up pissed off by how annoying they are. But this one-- this is really funny!!

Funny Asian Man

What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla
I haven't made a "real" post in a while.

It's frustrating to me how conditional my faith in God is. When things are going good, when I'm feeling close to him, I trust him with all my heart. I know he's there, I can feel his presence, I see evidence of him working all around me. But the moment that starts to fade, my faith is gone. I think God's been trying to show me some stuff about my lack of faith. He's been showing me himself in the tiniest things, but he's doing it... testingly? deliberately? I don't know what the word is. But for instance, yesterday I needed to catch one of my professors before he went to teach a class. I went to his office on my lunch break about 15 minutes before his class would start. I prayed that he'd be there, bc I needed to catch him. See I have this thing with prayer. I think that if I "believe" that the prayer will be answered then it will. So I conjured up this assurance that Dr. Heffernan would be in his office. I got there, the door was shut. Immediately, I thought "Maybe there is no God." Stupidity! So I walk back towards my office, but turn around and try again. "God, PLEASE let him be there when I get there." I go to his door, it is shut. "Dammit!" I start walking back out the building and bam! There he is. I felt like such a jerk. So its in those kind of things that God's been trying to teach me to trust in him. Just because he doesn't answer right away doesn't mean he doesn't exist! Or even if he doesn't answer at all. Another for instance, a few posts down I talked about a document that was missing from my desk. I prayed and prayed that I would find it because it was really important. Well, I still have not found it and its been several days. Does that mean there is no God?? No. What a stupid basis for such an unfounded idea.

Yet it gets deeper. In less than a month I am flying overseas to minister to drug addicts on the streets of Newport. Where is my faith in that? I've never led anyone to Christ. Does that mean that I am useless? Does that mean God doesn't use me? And more so, can/will God really choose to save these people from there addictions? I feel like Peter at his worst. I've seen God do miraculous things in my life and the lives of others. Like John in prison, sending friends to go ask Jesus if he really is the one. And Jesus says "You've seen all these things, healings, casting out demons, etc. Now go tell John what you've seen and heard, and then ask him if he really doesn't know the answer." I'd like to think that Satan is just really attacking my faith to render me unusable in Wales. But maybe we give Satan too much credit in order to save ourselves from blame. So if Satan is attacking me, does that mean it's not my fault that I'm succombing to his attacks? Perhaps I should be taking more responsibility for my own faithlessness and repent at the throne of God.

God, help me to believe and forgive my unbelief! For without faith it is impossible to please you.

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them." -John Aughey

Monday, June 02, 2003

This weekend was great.
Let me just say that the D-Plan puts on the best show I've ever in my life seen. This show Friday was by far the most fun show I've ever been to. I've been to some really good shows, but definitely this one takes the cake. I had an amazing time. After the show I went to an afterparty at Clunk's and it was pretty fun too. I'm surprised I stayed as long as I did- I was out til 6 in the morning! Then Saturday was the Sharkie show, haha, it was fun too. And yesterday I basically slept. Went to church, worked in the toddler nursery then after church did some laundry and housekeeping, lincoln came over and I bored him for a few hours and then i went to bed at about 6 in the evening. Woke up this morning and went to work.

I've been having these weird dreams lately. Almost every morning I wake up with the sensation that I dreamt about highly technological advances. I keep dreaming about upgrades and systems, they're total Matrix dreams. Dreams that people are upgrading the systems we live in, the systems we use daily, its weird. I don't know why. I haven't been watching or thinking about the Matrix. I haven't been watching any movies/tv that deal with technology, i'm not even reading about it. In fact, I'm reading a book about a completely technologically backwards city that has nothing to do with upgrades or systems. (Just daggerotypes and pianolas.) Its weird. But it happens every night.

Either that or I dream that Speedy gets out of his tank and runs away from me. Am I having intimacy issues?

Its June 2nd. It's practically Christmas. Where does all the time go and how do I get it back?