Tuesday, June 03, 2003

I haven't made a "real" post in a while.

It's frustrating to me how conditional my faith in God is. When things are going good, when I'm feeling close to him, I trust him with all my heart. I know he's there, I can feel his presence, I see evidence of him working all around me. But the moment that starts to fade, my faith is gone. I think God's been trying to show me some stuff about my lack of faith. He's been showing me himself in the tiniest things, but he's doing it... testingly? deliberately? I don't know what the word is. But for instance, yesterday I needed to catch one of my professors before he went to teach a class. I went to his office on my lunch break about 15 minutes before his class would start. I prayed that he'd be there, bc I needed to catch him. See I have this thing with prayer. I think that if I "believe" that the prayer will be answered then it will. So I conjured up this assurance that Dr. Heffernan would be in his office. I got there, the door was shut. Immediately, I thought "Maybe there is no God." Stupidity! So I walk back towards my office, but turn around and try again. "God, PLEASE let him be there when I get there." I go to his door, it is shut. "Dammit!" I start walking back out the building and bam! There he is. I felt like such a jerk. So its in those kind of things that God's been trying to teach me to trust in him. Just because he doesn't answer right away doesn't mean he doesn't exist! Or even if he doesn't answer at all. Another for instance, a few posts down I talked about a document that was missing from my desk. I prayed and prayed that I would find it because it was really important. Well, I still have not found it and its been several days. Does that mean there is no God?? No. What a stupid basis for such an unfounded idea.

Yet it gets deeper. In less than a month I am flying overseas to minister to drug addicts on the streets of Newport. Where is my faith in that? I've never led anyone to Christ. Does that mean that I am useless? Does that mean God doesn't use me? And more so, can/will God really choose to save these people from there addictions? I feel like Peter at his worst. I've seen God do miraculous things in my life and the lives of others. Like John in prison, sending friends to go ask Jesus if he really is the one. And Jesus says "You've seen all these things, healings, casting out demons, etc. Now go tell John what you've seen and heard, and then ask him if he really doesn't know the answer." I'd like to think that Satan is just really attacking my faith to render me unusable in Wales. But maybe we give Satan too much credit in order to save ourselves from blame. So if Satan is attacking me, does that mean it's not my fault that I'm succombing to his attacks? Perhaps I should be taking more responsibility for my own faithlessness and repent at the throne of God.

God, help me to believe and forgive my unbelief! For without faith it is impossible to please you.

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them." -John Aughey

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