Lost In Just Living - Tripping Daisy Revived

We swung open the doors to Vino's, and there he was. His back was to us, but we'd know him anywhere. Jeans, t-shirt, messy hair - it was Wes Berggren of Tripping Daisy. This felt like a dream. It was my first time at Vino's, and Tripping Daisy was without any shred of doubt my favorite band. And here they were right in front of me.

I wasn't there to see them play though. My parents had forbidden me to go see the show. Even though Vino's was an all-ages venue, and Tripping Daisy were a totally non-controversial band - they barely even cussed in their songs - I was not allowed to see the show.

I probably could have flat out lied, but I chose the slightly more honest route. I wouldn't stay for the show, but I'd show up early, meet them, and listen to sound check. It was the best I could do without having to lie.

Oswald's Pool

Lane, Patrick and Alex were in a band called Oswald's Pool. Lane was my boyfriend, and he was the one to introduce me to Tripping Daisy. In fact, he introduced me to music. Before Tripping Daisy, I listened to whatever my folks had on the radio. I had a few CDs I'd inherited from a friend - Sublime and 311, if I recall correctly - and several Contemporary Christian Music tapes (DC Talk, Point of Grace, Lisa Bevill, Petra, Stephen Curtis Chapman...). Then Lane introduced me to TD, and my world was flipped inside out. TD, along with Jane's Addiction and Porno for Pyros, became the soundtrack of my life, but Tripping Daisy was by far the band that opened up a new world to me. I knew every song and had every album and knew all the trivia, and though the internet was still a baby, I'd searched it up and down for photos of the band that I could print off and tape to all my notebooks. 

And now, there we were, Lane, Patrick, Alex and I, standing in Vino's, ten feet away from the guitarist.

A few minutes later, we spotted Tim DeLaughter, the singer and frontman. The guys had met Tripping Daisy before, and assuming my memory isn't telling lies, Oswald's Pool had even opened for them once with the theme tune from Muppet Babies. They introduced me to Tim, and later Mark Pirro, Philip Karnats and Ben Curtis, and eventually Wes. Tim signed Lane's cup "Love, Tim" with a heart and arrow and let us stick an Oswald's Pool sticker on one of their amps.  We sat in the front tables during sound check, and nothing in my life came anywhere close to euphoria of hearing them sing tunes from Jesus Hits Like the Atom Bomb right there in front of me, live. I bought a poster. And then, like a good little girl, I went home before the show started. I was heartbroken.

A few years later, Wes Berggren died, and Tripping Daisy was no more.

T-shirt still fits

I never got to see Tripping Daisy play a live show. I had t-shirts, posters, albums, bootlegs, and when Tim DeLaughter started his new band Polyphonic Spree, I was in the fan club and got the first release of the album, back when the songs didn't even have names, just numbers. In college as a radio dj for the student station KXUA 88.3 I did a feature show on Tripping Daisy in which I played two hours of Tripping Daisy, filling in the gaps with trivia and taking requests from fans over the phone. I also wrote a research essay about them in my Folk and Pop Music Traditions class entitled "Lost In Just Living". 

Several years later, while living in Scotland, Polyphonic Spree came to Edinburgh. I got the chance to see Tim, Mark and Bryan Wakeland play in their new band. I stood in the front row, sang every song along with them and left that night feeling like a little part of something I'd missed out on had been restored. After all, I'd never have the chance to see Tripping Daisy live, so Polyphonic Spree was the next best thing.

Y'all, until now. Yesterday I found out that Tripping Daisy are playing at the Homegrown Festival in Dallas in May. This will be their first show in 17 years. And I now have tickets. 

It's time to pull out Bill, I am an Elastic Firecracker, Jesus Hits, Tops Off Our Heads, Get It On, Time Capsule and the self-titled final album Tripping Daisy. (I never did score the Hook Music EP, but Lane had it.) I have a lot of listening, crying and reminiscing to do. 

See you in May, boys.

Bathos, Stolen Corpses and Rock n' Roll

One of the coolest, most interesting classes I took in college, the kind of class that colleges should offer more of, the kind of class that is quintessentially “college”, was Folk and Pop Music Traditions. It was in the English curriculum, since we studied the lyrics as much as the history and the music itself, and was taught by a really hipster older guy professor, Dr Bob Cochran.  

Dr Cochran introduced us to all kinds of music I'd never have listened to myself, from the Carter Family to Merle Haggard to Gram Parsons. It is Gram Parsons though who's music and story has stuck with me all these years. 

He introduced us to Parsons by playing "Love Hurts" for us in class. His intent was to differentiate for us the difference between pathos and bathos.  (Pathos is the quality of evoking sympathy and sadness in someone. Bathos is when the attempt at pathos goes overboard into ludicrousy or gross sentimentalism.)  The class silently took in this song, a duet between Parsons and Emmylou Harris, whose voices blend together more beautifully than any two voices I've ever heard. When the song was over, the class sat silently, reverently. Dr Cochran laughed.

"I see you guys were taken in by that song. I was trying to show you bathos, but you all bought right in to the sentiment."

He may have forgotten that while he had all the wisdom of his 50 plus years, we were all still children living and breathing the raw truth that love hurts. 

The story of Gram Parsons is just as enticing as his music. Or maybe just the story of his death. His life was that of a typical 1960s rock star - nudie suits, tours, drugs. But his death - what a story!

He was found dead in his hotel room during a tour; the official report was drug overdose. Not uncommon. But his step-father, who had very little to do with him, requested that his body be returned to Louisiana, allegedly due to a family estate issue, and arranged a small funeral for him, excluding all of Gram's actual friends in the music industry. Gram had recently expressed wishes to be cremated when he died and have his ashes spread in Joshua Tree National Park, his favorite place on earth. So what did his loyal friends do?

They stole his dead body from the airport, of course, borrowed a hearse and drove Gram's coffin to Joshua Tree.  Unsure of how to actually cremate a body, they just poured gallons of gasoline on the coffin and lit a match, while drinking beer and sharing stories of their deceased friend. It didn't result in the small, funereal fire they expected, however, and the raging fireball resulted in a police chase. Gram's friends couldn't be arrested though, because there was no law on the books against stealing a dead body. They were fined for stealing a coffin, and that's about as much the law could muster against them. Gram's wishes were - sort of - granted.

That's friendship. That's rock n' roll. That's - bathos?

Yesterday in a coffee shop, I heard "Brass Buttons" playing in the background, another Parsons' tune that tows the line between pathos and bathos. It reminded me it's been too long since I listened to Grievous Angel, my favorite Gram Parsons album. That would be due to my CD snapping a few years ago in our move from Scotland to Arkansas. But Amazon Prime Music came to the rescue, and I was able to download Grievous Angel and listen to it three times in a row back to back. Honestly, could Emmlylou and Gram's voices weave any better?

(Apparently, Emmylou hated touring with Gram. Apparently, he was a bit of an asshole.)

Anyway, thank you, Starbucks, for reminding me of the fantastic rock fairy tale that is Gram Parsons, of the most interesting college class I've ever taken, and that love doesn't really hurt so bad in the end, once you find the good kind.

4 Songs Guaranteed To Make Me Cry

After reading my sister-in-law Christie's blog post about uplifting music, I realized the songs that stick out the most to me are not the happy ones but the ones with the power to reduce me to tears just about every time I hear them. Below are four songs that always cut me to the quick.

The Song: The Funeral
The Artist: Band of Horses
The Killer Line: "To know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong."




The Song: Never Tell Me the Odds
The Artist: Quiet Company
The Killer Line: "Time is on our side 'cause it moves slow. We search through the shadows of our souls, trying to tame the demons we control, searching for a god we'll never know."




The Song: Rise to Me
The Artist: The Decemberists
The Killer Line: "This distance between us can seem a mountain size, but boy, you are gonna stand your ground. They rise to you and you blow them down."
Also... "To cold climes come spring times."




The Song: As If We Never Said Goodbye
The Artist: Chris Colfer covering Barbara Streisand
The Killer Line: "I don't want to be alone, that's all in the past. This world has waited long enough, I've come home at last! And this time will be bigger and brighter than we knew it, so watch me climb, we all know I can do it!"

*I know this one is cheesy, but it still gets me every time.

40 Questions

For the 9th time, I present to you my...


1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Became a Pampered Chef Consultant! I've always thought about doing it, but upon moving back home, I decided to go for it. And I love it! I also started attending a Lutheran church... never saw that one coming.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I'd say I did a pretty good job last year! My resolution was "to live simply, unmaterialistically,and give myself a break from taking on too many responsibilities." For the most part, I think I succeeded. I don't feel nearly as attached to 'stuff' any more, and most of the attachment I do feel towards it is practical rather than materialistic. I've also managed to not get involved in lots of things. In fact, I can say that I'm doing great at doing nothing, maybe to a fault!

This year my resolution is to rigorously save money, to get a little more exercise, eat a little healthier and lose about 15 pounds. That second half is likely to be a failure, but I'm going to try. Don't you just love the optimism? Also, I'm going to have lots of sex. All of these are a part of my 2014 Theme "Satisfaction" - being satisfied with what I have and where I'm at. Changing what I can but being satisfied with what I can't. And sex, well, that's just satisfying.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law Katie gave birth to a gorgeous wee daughter, my niece, Erum. And I have two more nieces/nephews due in the upcoming year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother, my Mamaw, died early this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn't *visit* any new countries, but we started the year living in Scotland and ended the year living in the USA. As for new places visited, though, we travelled to Seattle, WA for the first time.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Last year I answered: "A simplified, uncluttered wardrobe, house and life." Boy, did I get that, and then some.

I don't know about lacking it in 2013, but by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan.  A life plan. A rough guide, more like, since my plans never go according to plan.  I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle. I'm a settler; I need to be in a place and stay there, make roots, and become a part of the place.  I'm not a part of this place right now, but I want to figure this out in this next year.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?
18th of June. The day we moved from Scotland back to America. A happy, sad date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I guess immigrating my husband and three children to the USA was a pretty big achievement. There are who knows how many people out there who are dying to do the same thing we did. It was a big undertaking too.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't think I moved back to America in the most graceful way. I was pretty babyish about it. Nothing went the way we planned it. Saying that, I'm still trying to buck up and take it like an adult, but even now I still can't help feeling like ending up back in my home town was kind of a fail. I know, I KNOW, I'm being childish. Everything happens for a reason and all that. I'm very thankful in a lot of ways that we ended up here instead of Fayetteville. I get to be around my family and some old friends which is hugely awesome. I'm so thankful for that. But I'm a human and allowed to have petty human emotions about it, and I don't like being back in this particular area.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No injuries or illness with me (besides feeling rather depressed in these months post-move), but back in April, Lolly got her finger jammed in a door and severed it almost right off. It was gross. The tip of her finger hung on by a flap of skin. I never blogged about it, because my dear, dear friend who was watching her at her house at the time was so distraught over it. I never once blamed her at all for it. Accidents happen, especially with kids. It was a scary experience though. She had to go under general anaesthesia at the children's hospital to have it surgically reattached.

Lolly at A&E

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We had to buy so many new things this year, most of them pretty mundane, but I'd say Scott's car and our fantastic king size mattress are two of them. Scott would probably say his new computer was tops.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I can hardly believe I'm saying it, but this year Lolly deserves a mention. She's always been a real 'handful' (to put it ultra-mildly), and she still is, but she's changed a lot this year. She's more considerate of other people, more willing to help out, more eager to please. She's still maddeningly defiant, stubborn and uncontrollable, but I think she's grown a lot in the past six months. She sometimes really does care about other people.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
Sometimes, if I'm honest, I regret moving. I only feel that way in an emotional sense, though.  Practically speaking, I know without a doubt we made the right decision.  There are so many better opportunities for us out here. But my wee heart is still so attached to Scotland, that sometimes I just wish we'd never left. That's got to be normal right? In general, however, I have no regrets. I don't really do 'regrets'.  The past is the past, and it influences who we become.  I really don't tend to regret things I've done or not done; I just extend and grow out from them, like a tree branches.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Into moving to America. No single doubt about it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I got really excited about sending Fifi to a charter school in Northwest Arkansas and went to crazy lengths to get her into it. (All to turn around and have to turn down our space because we didn't move there.) I got really excited about Fifi playing the part of Gretl in The Sound of Music in the Greenock Beacon Arts Centre. She was amazing, so incredibly good. And most recently, I got reallly, really, really excited about visiting a couple of our oldest friends, Jonathan and Sarah, in Seattle!


16. What song/album will always remind you of 2013?
There was one song on one of the Glee soundtracks that reminds me of a very emotional moment back in Scotland preparing for the move. I had the afternoon free of children, and I was in the kids' room clearing out. It was very hard for me to make the kids get rid of so many toys. It felt really cruel. Anyway, so I was feeling very emotional about moving, and leaving so many people and things I'd grown to love and that had formed me into the woman I'd become. This song, 'As If We Never Said Goodbye' from Sunset Boulevard, came on, and though for the most part it had nothing to do with my situation, this line caused me to burst into tears.
I've spent so many mornings
Just trying to resist you.
I'm trembling now,
You can't know how I've missed you!

Missed the fairy tale adventure
In this ever spinning playground,
We were young together.
It described how I resisted moving to the US for so long, how much I missed my family and friends back in the US, and how much I'd soon miss my family and friends in the UK.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? I've been both ridiculously happy and overwhelmingly sad.
thinner or fatter? Still kinda overweight, but a lot more okay with my shape and size. Acceptance, satisfaction.
richer or poorer? A little richer, I guess, but not feeling like it matters any more. :)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Last year's answer: Exercise.
This year's answer: Exercise.

I also wish I'd just spent a little more time with family and friends in Scotland, though I know that's silly. I spent as much quality time with everyone as I could amidst the whirlwind of immigration. But I still wish I could just have another couple of days with people.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I don't know. Complaining, probably.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We went to a Christmas Eve candlelight service at church on Christmas Eve.  We spent Christmas morning with my mom and step-dad and my brothers and their families. We spent Christmas evening at my aunt's house with the whole extended family. It was the first time in heaven knows how long that all of the cousins were back together again. It was awesome seeing everyone again and meeting my cousin in Dallas's son. Then the following Saturday we had Christmas with my dad and step-mom and again my brothers' families.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
This year, I spent the most time on the phone with my in-laws, Andy and Marion. I love them so, so much. (And they are both coming out to America in three weeks!!!)

22. What's your best memory from 2013?
This year is so entirely split in two that I'll need to answer in two parts.

My greatest Scotland memories of 2013 are:
-Seeing Fifi in The Sound of Music.
-Camping in Heather's mum's camper with Heather, Paula and Elaine at Millport and getting to go on a boat ride.
-Staying in Sheila's holiday home in Kingussie with Scott, and visiting all the local sites, like the Wildlife Centre and the CairnGorm Mountains in the snow.
-Staying in Kingussie again with close friends, to say goodbye in style and with wine.
-My last strawberry daiquiri with Maria at Flava. (Okay, who's cutting onions here?)
-The last night in our old flat, with all the furniture gone and suitcases packed, with Andy and Marion, eating pakora and Kate and Faisal and Adam showing up with Irn Bru. One last hurrah. (What's with the fricking onions?!!)




My greatest American memories are:
-Visiting Jonathan and Sarah in Seattle, of course.
-Our first of many Thanksgivings and Christmases with my Arkansas family

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
I don't know if it's considered growing... I can tell you how I've changed.

I've let go of ties. I've let go of things that have held me in place. In a lot of ways, I'm floating right now, trying to find a place to land and take root. Right now, I have no roots, I have no foundation. I'm discovering who I am and what I believe in the very depths of myself. Some of it isn't what I'd like to see, but I'm aiming for acceptance. I've never been a pretender, not with myself or with anyone else, but now I feel I'm going even deeper and I'm trying to decipher even more what is under there, in areas that have always been undercover. I'm so glad that I've had all this down time since moving here, because it's given me time to reacquaint myself with me.

That's pretty lame, Lori.

24. What was your favourite TV programme(s)?
I've been watching some random shows on Netflix like Heroes, The League and Arrow. Out of boredom, mostly. I'm still keeping up with Glee and HIMYM, and I finished Dexter.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
I read the whole Harry Potter series and I read Silence by Shusako Endo. That was probably one of the most life-changing books I've ever read. In a sad, good way. I can't believe I never wrote a review on that. I must remedy that.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Though I sound totally pretentious saying this, because I've only listened to a few songs on one album, Scott is getting me onto Band of Horses. It all started with this song....


I also liked this song and need to listen to the album more. Thank you, Scott, for your musical tastes.


And finally, this band, and this song.


28. What did you want and get?
A cat.

29. What did you want and not get?
A car. (My own car.)

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
I'm sure we saw some films, but I can't really think of anything that stood out. Took the kids to see Frozen, and we all liked that. But grown-up films? Don't know.

Netflix, however, has allowed me to watch all kids of old films that I've never seen before.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a low key birthday. It was my 31st, and I went out to dinner with my Friday morning TinyTalk mums/friends. It was a lot of fun. They were (are) an amazing group of women. All very strong, smart, genuinely kind and loving, genuinely good. And all married. Sorry, fellas. (I miss you all.)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know how to answer this question this year. This year has been what it's been. It's been a crazy clash of happy and sad.  When I think about it, I really couldn't say there was more we could've done. We made it through, in tact. I'm satisfied with that.

If I had to answer something, though, I'd say the year would have been more satisfying with all my old clothes! (Very unsatisfying year in the wardrobe department. I miss all of you, my beautiful jumpers!)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
It started out as usual, I like to dress a little quirky and cute. It's now kind of become a t-shirt and jeans thing for me, since I had to give away all my clothes to move. I've been given lots of clothes from people here, and I'm so incredibly thankful for all of it. I'd be somewhat naked without it. It'll be nice when I can actually look in my closet and see my style though. I miss my style.

34. What kept you sane?
Having a husband and three children I truly enjoy being around. Having my mom around has been great too, and my mother-in-law visiting from Scotland regularly has been a huge one. She and Andy are two of my best friends, and I've been a little lost without their constant presence.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I actually would have had an answer for this one this year. I would've said Pink. She's actually way more awesome than I realized. Like as a person. I only know her popular songs, so I can't really comment on her tunes. But this question got changed last year so...

35b. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
Scott's 30th birthday was the most exciting, special occasion for me (us) this year. It was for his 30th that we went to Seattle. I had a big 30th birthday bash for mine, but Scott's not a party-person. This was the perfect way to bring in his third decade. With awesome friends in an awesome city.


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year's answer: "American gun control, health care and same-sex marriage. I'll keep mum about my opinions on each though! This is not a political blog. :)"

This year's answer: Health care and same-sex marriage. And this year I'll say loud and clear, PEOPLE SHOULD GET HEALTH CARE AND BE ALLOWED TO MARRY WHO THEY WANT. In a nutshell. I could discuss further, and maybe I will soon enough. But for now...

37. Who did you miss?
I missed (miss) my Scottish family and friends. All of them. Too many to name. And now I miss Jonathan and Sarah (but they'll be visiting us in Arkansas soon!).

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
The best new people I've met have been Lolly's soccer team moms. They are all really cool, nice people, and I need to make an effort in the new year to get to know them better.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
At the end of the day, the best you can be is just honest.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Early I mentioned some lyrics from the song, 'As If We Never Said Goodbye'. Later in the song come the lyrics:

I don't want to be alone,
That's all in the past.
This world's waited long enough,
I've come home at last!

And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it.
So watch me fly
We all know I can do it!
As I listened in tears to that song over and over again that afternoon, I told myself that this song, despite all the parts that didn't apply, would be the song that summed up my whole year. I'd kind of forgotten about it until now, but I'm glad I've been reminded. This time WILL be bigger and brighter than we knew it. So watch me fly, we all know I can do it!

Suffocating

This video breaks my heart. Plus the boy in the video is heartbreakingly beautiful.



Oh how vividly I recall those emotions from those god-awful days. That paralyzing emptiness after a painful breakup. The way your body feels so numb you can barely breathe or walk or draw your legs over the side of the bed in the morning. All the memories that torture you, all the dreams that snicker at you. The future you saw for you and him shattered, leaving a hollow nothingness in front of you. The sobs that erupt from your core without the least warning at the wrong times. The eyes so puffy and sore from tears and insomnia that your entire world is enveloped in a blurry fog the next day. The playing the scene over and over, the weeks before over and over, the entire relationship over and over, wondering what you did wrong, how it must be your fault, how you must be incapable of being loved, how naive you were. How after all this you would take him back in a second if he just came to your door in the dead of night and begged for you to. Thinking it must be a mistake, this can't be happening, not again, not to me.

I say I'm thankful those days are over for me, but who really knows? Worst case scenarios happen. Listening to another song in the car the other day, I became overwhelmed with fear and panic imagining how I'd survive if I lost Scott. What if years down the road, our relationship were to break down so irreparably that he were to leave me, or I him? I don't see that happening now, but the very thought of what life would be like if it did brought me right back to those painful moments in my past where my life abruptly stopped, and I suffocated. Tears stung my eyes as the song played, and all I wanted to do was take my man in my arms and make him crush me with his promises to love me forever and never leave me.

Top 3 Favourite YouTube Videos

For the Ultimate Blog Challenge today, there was a list of 50 suggested blog titles to work from. Most were much more creative (like What My Popcorn Maker Taught Me About Demand in Business), but it's early, it's Sunday, and I'm tired.

So after a lot of thought, here's what I've decided are my top 3 favourite YouTube videos. They are all very different: an amateur music video, a hilarious meme poking fun at us 'natural mamas' and an unbelievably cool costume make-up tutorial. Enjoy any or all of them!

Saskia Hamilton


Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say


Pop Art/ Comic Book Make-Up Tutorial


*****

Ooh and just as a bonus, I forgot about this one. Just recently saw it, but it is WORTH WATCHING.

Pilobolus' Shadowland

40 Questions

For the 8th year in a row, I present to you my...

40 Questions

Wait, this needs a logo...

For the 8th year in a row, I present to you my...


1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Gave birth completely naturally (to a son!) with no augmentation or assistance. :D

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
My goal last year was to blog more. I didn't manage to succeed until October for the October Dress Project, but at least I got there in the end!

This year, I just want to resolve to live simply, unmaterialistically,and give myself a break from taking on too many responsibilities.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends Catriona and Sharon both gave birth to little girls this year, alongside me.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no one this year died, though my grandmother was touch and go for a while.

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn't really travel at all this year. I rang in the New Year in America, but I'd travelled there in the year before, so I don't think it counts.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
A simplified, uncluttered wardrobe, house and life.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory?
The eleventh of July - the day my perfect son was born. Though I keep getting mixed up with the 7/11 or 11/7 part. I'm not good with numbers as it is; give me a rhyming pair and I'm hopeless. I'll forever get it confused.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I already said it, but giving birth totally naturally meant the world to me. After a C-section with Fifi and an induction with Lolly, I was sort of convinced my body didn't know how to bear children. Going into labour spontaneously and birthing with no assistance or painkillers (except gas and air) meant so much to me. It was my biggest achievement for certain.

9. What was your biggest failure?
On the same topic, I didn't get my homebirth. Again. Three times I've attempted a homebirth and three times it just wasn't in the cards. I suppose it's wrong to think of it as a failure, but at the time it sure felt like it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I went through a period of depression during my pregnancy, which also happened when I was pregnant with Lolly, so I think maybe that's just how my hormones work. But it wasn't terribly serious in hindsight, though going through it was very difficult.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Let's see... my Samsung Galaxy III, my EasiYo maker and my Booby Tubes.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
This year I'm going to give credit to my daughter Fifi. She has really grown up this year, and her maturity really shows. She is very loving, mostly obedient, and a great kid to have around. She is helpful and smart, and I'm really proud of how grown up she's become.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
I can't say I have any regrets. Not everything was perfect, but I wouldn't call anything a regret.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Necessities. Last year I had money to spend, because I'd been childminding. But I went on maternity leave this year in June, so we've been living on a budget again. And most of my spare money went into starting my new company IntoBento.co.uk.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Starting my new company and lunch blog!

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2012?
It's not a song/album per se, but the theme tune to How I Met Your Mother will always bring back strong feelings and memories of me hibernating in my bedroom for weeks, preparing for my intended homebirth with Jaguar and watching six seasons straight of this show.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? I have been so much happier this year.
thinner or fatter? Fatter, thanks to baby weight. Need to get that sorted in the new year!
richer or poorer? Poorer, thanks to maternity leave!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eat cake.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We spent Christmas this year at Scott's mum and dad's new house. It was a really lovely, cosy Christmas with our family of five, Kate and Faisal's family of three and Scott's parents. The kids had a great time, and it just felt really nice.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
My mom, I suppose. Having a new baby means needing lots of support from your mommy!

22. What's your best memory from 2012?
I had a few really great memories:
-My 30th birthday party, which had a 'Music Mania' theme. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.
-Singing Evita's "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" in the OGA Parish Players Spring Revue.
-Giving birth to Jaguar (I loved every minute of it, even if it was rather uncomfortable!)
-Going out for my friend Elaine's 40th birthday with her, Heather and Paula.
-The Enchanted Forest with Scott for our anniversary. It was incredible this year - my favourite one yet.

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
Ohhh, for the hard questions.

This year I've come to terms with a lot of things, namely my grave uncertainty of my faith. I have spoken of this already in length here, so it's not necessary to rehash, but what I've realised is that I am okay with where I am spiritually right now. I choose to continue living a Christian life and holding on to the faith while simultaneously acknowledging that I don't know if it is true, I can't believe it completely and I will probably never be able to believe wholeheartedly again. But it's the life I'm choosing to live, and if God is truly out there, I believe he will accept me for choosing to follow despite my unbelief.

A separate thing I learned about myself is that I am far too materialistic. Through the October Dress Project (wearing the same dress for 31 days), I realised I a) don't need half the stuff I have and b) can be very creative with my clothes if I try. So I'm in the process of trying to clear out everything and getting a non-cluttered, simplistic wardrobe that allows me to experiment with creative outfits.

24. What was your favourite TV programme(s)?
I enjoyed watching How I Met Your Mother, Big Love and Misfits.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
I did a lot of reading earlier this year before Jaguar was born but can't for the life of me remember what. A lot of re-reading old classics. I started out with Toni Morrison's Beloved, F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby, and I can't remember what all else. I read a LOT of books though but not very many new ones. If I'm correct in thinking though that I re-read Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner, then that would be the best book I read. It's one of my favourites.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Scott introduced me to a few really good new songs on a mix CD he made for our trip to Pitlochry, for instance these two by Jonathan Coulton.





28. What did you want and get?
A Soda Stream!

29. What did you want and not get?
A homebirth.

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
The Perks of Being a Wallflower was really, really good.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
This year was my 30th, and I had a big party at the Masons Lodge. It was fancy dress (Music Mania theme) and karaoke, and I had an awesome cake, a DJ and a load of great friends there. It was an awesome birthday.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
It would've been really great to have had a summer. Unfortunately, it just rained and was cold all year long. It would've been much nicer if we'd had just a few months (or even one!) of sunshine to live our spirits. No wonder Scottish people are known for being dour.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Maternity?! At least for the first half of the year! I went through a rockabilly stage with my hair and would love to still be doing it, but after Jaguar was born, there was just no longer the time to spend on my hair like that. Plus, I cut my bangs back in on a whim and that kinda kills the suicide roll thing. I've also started wearing make-up regularly. Which reminds me, I need to put some on now...

34. What kept you sane?
Having a really sweet, happy, content, easy baby who sleeps and feeds wonderfully, instead of the opposite!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
This question is always so silly to me. Time to change it.

35b. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
Our wedding anniversary this year was really special to me. It wasn't a big year (8), but we spent it in the same place we spent last year's anniversary, and it was then and there that Jaguar became a part of our family. We went to Pitlochry to The Enchanted Forest again, had lunch in the same little bistro we'd sat in last year talking about baby names in case we were indeed to get pregnant, and stayed in a lovely hotel (not the same one) eating great food and relaxing in the pool and the spa.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
American gun control, health care and same-sex marriage. I'll keep mum about my opinions on each though! This is not a political blog. :)

37. Who did you miss?
I missed my American family and friends so much this year.

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
I have become friends with Lolly's best friend Eden's mum, Laura. She is a sweet, generous, honest person, and I'm so pleased to have gotten to know her and her three interesting and precious daughters this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
Two things:
1) I have so much more than I need. I am materialistic, and all my 'things' end up making my life harder to manage. I can get by on so much less and would probably be happier doing so.
2) As much as I can plan and organise and see to every detail, nothing in this world is totally in my hands. Maybe it's in God's, maybe it's in no one's, but it's certainly not in mine. It is okay to plan, but at the end of the day, things will happen as they will happen and not always how I thought they would.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
This is totally embarrassing, but the lyrics from Katy Perry's 'Firework' summed up a lot of feelings for me this year.

'Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

...

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road.
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know...'