Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Lori's Thoughts

1. Whenever someone votes on our Mini Poll, an email is sent to me saying "Someone has just voted!" and it tells me which question was answered and what answer was chosen. (It's anonymous, of course.) Scott and I in a brainstorm once decided on several poll questions together. When one of us brought up the "Scott or Lori?" question, we were a little worried our feelings might end up getting hurt. We thought it was funny though so we chose to keep it.
As it turns out, the effect is just the opposite of what we expected. When someone answers "Lori" I frown, and I don't like it. But when someone chooses Scott, I'm thrilled! Literally, I just cheered out loud when I got one of these emails. I want Scott to win. I like people to like him better. I like him better myself.

2. Even though I'm getting married in only 16 days, I don't feel like it's even close. It has not yet sunk in that Scott will be here in 9 days and that we'll be espoused a week later. Scott still feels a million miles away. I think I might blow up when I see him at the airport. I just have no way of anticipating what it's all going to be like. I've been making a point to pray more about that.

3. I need to make a point to pray more in general. I realize that I hardly ever spend any amount of time in prayer at all these days. I often think to say a couple of things to the Lord here and there throughout the day, but I don't think that's what He wants. If I just passed Scott every once in a while and said, "Hey, go help Grandma, she's not feeling well", I don't think Scott would feel very appreciated. This morning in the shower I prayed a lot. I used to make a point to pray in the shower every day, for you've got a good fifteen minutes there that is completely open thought-wise. It doesn't take concentration to shampoo your hair. So I want (and need) to spend more time with God. Just thinking and talking about Him isn't enough.

4. I'm worried that Scott and I are going to get to Scotland together and discover a gazillion things we didn't know about each other--having never been in close proximity--and our marriage is gonna be really hard. But I'm also convinced this won't happen. But then I worry that I'm not worried enough, and I should worry more. Then something tells me to stop worrying. But I can't decide if I'm supposed to or not.

5. I've realized that I haven't shared my excitement about moving with Scott nearly enough. He probably thinks I'm dreading it and this is all a big sacrifice and that I'm unhappy. I need to make more of a point to show my excitement to him. Everyone else gets to see it (more than they want probably). So then... Scott, I want you to know that I cannot WAIT to live in Scotland. I can't wait to wear my sweaters and my coats and walk around in the rain and drink Irn Bru and go to pubs with you for lunch and make you American dishes for dinner. I can't wait to make our house a home and paint the walls with you and buy fresh flowers from Tesco to put in our new pretty vases. I can't wait to wake up every morning before you and see you sleeping soundly and just lie there in the silence with you. I want to move to Scotland more than anything. I love it there, Scott. It will be my home in no time because anywhere with you would feel like home.

6. I watched Billy Elliot last night and couldn't decide what I would do in that same situation. Of course, me being a lover of ballet, I'd love it if any of my kids wanted to dance. But would Billy Elliot's drive to dance and the empowerment he felt from it be the same had his dad been supportive the whole time? Would he have given up sooner if he hadn't needed so badly to prove himself and if he didn't have all that frustration built up inside him? Part of me thinks it would be smarter to act like I didn't approve in hopes that he would try all that much harder. But that's crazy reverse psychology if I've ever heard of it, and I don't think reverse psychology is all that trustworthy...

7. I have a really proud and arrogant attitude, not to mention I'm quite volitile. But I need to work on those things really badly. I need all this pride and anger purged from me at whatever price.

8. Scott called me a pessimist twice last night. I'm calling myself one today. I got a letter from the Dean's Office saying they could not approve me for graduation because I had not yet defended my Honors Thesis. Well, indeed I most certainly had, and I threw a fit. The last thing I need is a major hold-up in my academic status right before I move away and try to get a visa and a job. I talked to a lady yesterday who seemed completely unconcerned and completely laid back about the situation, and it pissed me off big time. I know my life doesn't matter to her, but it's her freaking job to take care of things.
I was humbled this morning when I had a voice message saying she'd found the problem, it was fixed, and I'd get my diploma at the same time as everyone else. Shamed. I should be less of a pessimist.

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