Saturday, September 04, 2004

Bad Days Make You Think

I am having an absolutely f'ing awful day. But I won't bore you with all of the grim details; no one likes a complainer.

But I will share something from the day that has caused my heart and mind to do some exploring.

I went to a funeral today. A guy at my church, age 27 I believe, died Friday of cancer. I didn't know him well, but he did go to my birthday party last year when he was new to the church, and you know how it is with people who come to your birthday parties--they hold a special place in your heart.

He had been married for about 2 or 3 months before he died.

His wife hardly said anything at all. I wondered how she was doing. She married him knowing he had cancer and might die. She didn't shed a tear or lose control. I couldn't gauge what she was feeling.

As people were sharing memories of Michael, and tears brimmed and spilled over the eyes of many there, Lisa finally spoke. She said, "People ask me if I hate God for taking Michael from me. I only knew Michael for eight months, but I'm just glad I knew him at all. I'm just happy for the time we had." It seemed like an odd thing to say, but after thinking about it, it made more sense. I wondered how I'd be doing if Scott died, and I couldn't imagine it, in fact, I refused to imagine it. The idea was too awful. Then I thought of my grandpa when my grandma died. I remember walking down the hall at the hospital and suddenly seeing this man burst into uncontrollable sobs. He'd lived his whole life with his darling wife, and he loved her very dearly. I imagined him saying the same thing, "I'm just so happy that I had all that time with her that I did."

All this made me realize how short life is. And how much of life we waste by being angry with one another or being bored. One person quoted Michael having once said, "I have so many things I want to do in my life. No one should ever be bored for one second because there is so much for all of us to do." I resolved then and there not to ever allow long periods of time to lapse where Scott and I are angry with one another. Life is too short to spend in anger or resentment or apathy. I imagined Scott and I fighting and the feeling one gets after a fight where they'd rather not even see that person. I realized I just want to be happy for all the time we have together, so when one of us dies, the other can say in truth that he/I am just happy for the time we did get. I don't want to waste that time. Scott could die a week after being married. I wouldn't want a moment of that week wasted. Fighting sometimes has to happen, and fighting can cause important things to get better or relationships to get stronger. But don't waste any extra time in resentment or apathy. Our time with our loved ones is short. I guess these are the typical things to think about after a funeral, huh.

In a related thought, I wish all my bad relationships could be fixed before I leave. But it seems impossible. Though I am instructed in God's Word to be the one who initiates resolution, I don't know how to do that when those with whom I am in bad relationships refuse to be confronted on the issue and would deny a need for restitution most adamantly...

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