Friday, September 23, 2005

Homesick Day

There's something about days off that make me homesick, I've noticed. Maybe it's the freedom from obligated thought that allows me to think of myself for longer than ten minutes. Here's why I'm homesick today:

1. I'm listening to Ben Folds Five. This album (the self-titled) reminds me very clearly of sophomore year. Sophomore year might possibly have been my most bipolar year of my life. In that year, I found myself to be inexcusably happy and unfathomably depressed from day to day. I know this as a fact because today I...
2. ... read my old journal. It gave me a headache. Reading those swings in my emotions stressed me out. Boy, was I crazy back then. Reading what I went through that year was painful. But I didn't cry for my old self until I read the 15th of February 2003 post (which of course, would've been the day after Valentine's). All it read was, "I think I'm going to be okay." I lost it then. For happiness. Because it was so true.

I decided today that I don't care if I'm American and I am more vulgar and coarse than the Scottish folks. I decided that I will never be comfortable if I only try to conform to the Scottish Way of Life. So my first change? I'm going to drink beer. Yes, beer. I'm going to order pints in pubs. I don't care if I'm a girl. I'm going to start being myself again and I don't care what kind of reaction I get from people. I am me, I am Lori *middle name* *maiden name* McFarlane and I am an American and I like beer and I am loud and I am emotional and I drive most people crazy. But I can't be a different Lori and I don't want to be.

I miss Arkansas because I was who I was and people liked me anyway. I am going to have to realise that I am now who I am and that person isn't necessarily someone else just because I live somewhere else. So I will drink beer. I will drink beer now. I have a Newcastle Brown Ale in my fridge, and I'm going to go drink it. And I'm going to play Ben Folds Five and I'm going to be me with you, whoever you are.

EDIT: I don't know if this was subconscious or a mere coincedence, but the song playing is "Best Imitation of Myself". Weird. (Highlighted lyrics below for you who do not know the song.)

I feel like a quote out of context,
With holding the rest,
So I can be for you what you want to see.
I got the gestures and sounds,
Got the timing down,
It’s uncanny, yeah,
You’d think it was me.

Do you think I should take a class
To lose my southern accent?
Did I make me up
Or make the face ’til it stuck?
I do the best imitation of myself....

Last night I was east with them
And west within
Trying to be for you
What you want to see.
But I can’t help it with you
the good and bad comes through -
Don’t want you hanging out
With no one but me.

Now if it’s all the same,
It comes from the same place.
And if my mind’s somewhere else
You won’t be able to tell
I do the best imitation of myself.

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