Today I turned 34, and I have decided that next year will be my last birthday. No, I'm not planning on topping myself next year, I've just decided 35 is the age I shall remain for all eternity. I can do that, right?
So to prepare for my very last birthday, I have put together my bucket list for the year 34.
My birthday present to myself: A year of living life to the fullest.
1. Read 34 new books
2. Visit a new city
3. Order a dirty martini
4. Get a cleaner in at least once
5. Do something rebellious
6. Pick back up an old hobby or interest
7. Visit the beach
8.Get rid of 34 things
9. Try a new, exotic food
10. Do something politically active
11. Read the US Constitution
12. Donate to a new cause
13. Create 34 original things
14. Sing a showtune at a karaoke bar
15. Go on an adventure with husband
16. Build a coop to raise chickens
17. Learn how to wolf whistle
18. Write or mail 34 letters or parcels
19. Complete Trailhead Admin training
20. Play a video game
21. Protest against or march for something
22. Take kids on a surprise trip
23. Publish a book
24. Climb a mountain
25. Get hot stone massage
26. Join a group
27. Get Lasix
28. Paint a picture
29. Buy a house
30. Get a tattoo
31. Run a race
32. See a play
33. Read Macbeth
34. Throw a party
Happy birthday to me!
Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and helped make it so in many different ways - by sending me flowers at work (kids and Scott), surprising me with cake and a card during a training session (my Communications team), paying for me to get a massage (Mom and David), a still-to-be-opened pressie (Dad and Denise), surprising me with a gift at my birthday dinner (Matt and Charity), celebrating my birthday dinner (lots of people), celebrating my co-birthday lunch (Scott, Elizabeth, Daniel, Mandy, and Jared, the co-birthday boy), a stack of really awesome-looking books (Andy and Marion, my in-laws), giving me a free hair wash, dry and style (my stylist, Kristin), and *really* surprising me with a very unexpected birthday present, a new laptop (Scott!), not to mention all the people who have texted and Facebooked me happy birthday messages today (lots of family and friends). Love to all of you. xx
I have nine days in a row off work. Nine! It's Spring Break, and it's my first real vacation from work, aside from random days here and there. I am determined to make the absolute MOST of it. Operation: Kick Spring Break Tail has begun!
It started on Friday after work last week. It was an exhausting day (week, actually, no month - wait, it's ALWAYS exhausting), and I was so relieved to get home and forget about work for a week. (That didn't really happen. I was up all through the night that night thinking about things I hadn't satisfactorily tied up and stressing about them.) It being the start of Spring Break for the kids too, I promised them they could have friends over. So Friday night, we had two extra girls in the house. Scott worked late, so I had five kids on my own all night. But I refused to let that get me down! We ate frozen pizza for dinner, and I started the break off with a bang - and by bang, I mean cupcakes!
With Cadbury's Mini Eggs
I was told by my two extra children that I was the coolest mom ever. Yes, dears, that's because I haven't yelled at you to clean your room and threatened to take away your allowance.
The next morning, we exchanged those two girls for three different children. We kept my friends' kids (8 year old and 2 year old) over night so they could have a proper date night and went ahead and also invited over another kid to stay. Why not? Six kids? I used to keep six kids at a time as a childminder. I can take this.
We ordered pizza (pizza two nights in a row, talk about "coolest mom ever") and rented The Good Dinosaur. And ate cupcakes, of course.
Oh, and we dyed everyone's hair. Spring Break gone wild! Whooo!
Sunday morning was Secular Sunday, which is really just our and one other atheist couple's version of once-a-month church. We make a big breakfast, let the kids run around together in their pajamas, and "fellowship". The only church aspect missing is the sermon and the singing. And the praying. And the getting dressed. Okay, it's nothing like church. Yesterday, breakfast ran into lunch, and it was just a super great morning. In the afternoon, I took two of my three kids shopping for Easter outfits. We don't go to church, so it's really just an excuse to buy sweet dresses for my girls and a little suit for my boy, to wear absolutely nowhere. Yay!
Today has been an errands and phone calls day, while Jaguar watches endless episodes of Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and the girls watch Minecraft videos on YouTube. I forgot how leisurely errands can be when you aren't doing them during your lunch break. It's 2pm, and I've spent the day getting the cars assessed, talking to the bank, taking a nap, shopping, and eating pretzels with cheese at Target. I'm considering taking another nap after this. Then I'm going to bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I might finish off the night with a dram of whisky and Netflix.
And y'all, it's only Monday! Whooo!
Operation: Kick Spring Break Tail is well on its way. May it never end, like Groundhog Day.
I utterly failed today in my employment of mother and wife to my squad of mathy, sweet-toothed geeks. Yes it is Pi Day - and I did not make any pie. I did not make any Pi jokes either. I actually forgot it was Pi Day until about 40 minutes ago, long after my mini geeklings were in bed and my geek co-equal was lounging on the couch with a dram of Scotch and a TV show he discovered on Netflix.
With only an hour left of Pi Day to go, I cannot hope to simply skip into the kitchen and whip up something pi-alicious in time, thus saving my already fragile chance of being seated in the everlasting realm of Supermoms. My cape is already fraying, my ridiculously impractical stiletto boots are already scuffed. And here I am on this second most dorky of days (I will always have May the 4th to make up for this), half asleep on the recliner, watching Hamilton the musical clips while reading the code duello on Wikipedia, instead of creating delicious heavenly pi from hand peeled apples and organic raw cane sugar.
(One might be able to make the case that while I failed in the domesticity of Pi Day, I succeeded in being extraordinarily geeky in my own theater nerd right. I am not throwing away my shot.)
So since I can't offer you anything sweet with cartoon squiggles wafting from a hot handmade crust tonight, I leave you this. Happy Closer-To-the-Real-Pi-Day-Than-Last-Year's-Pi-Day(But-Still-Not-Actual-Pi-Day) Pi Day.
Bernie Sanders: "I happen to believe, and I know not everybody agrees with me, I believe that health care is a right of all people..." Bret Baier: "Where did that right come from, in your mind?" Sanders: "Being a human being. Being a human being." - Democratic Town Hall, Fox News, Mar. 7, 2016
I've said it before: health care is one of my biggest hot button political issues and has been for several years now. The above quote came from tonight's Democratic Town Hall in Detroit, MI, and it could not speak more clearly to my beliefs about a person's right to receive health care.
I spent most of my adult life in the United Kingdom under the National Health Service (NHS), a single payer health care system which pays for its services through taxes. I have personally experienced the good and the bad.
Here's an example of the bad, starting with a comparison of the good in the US.
When I was twenty-two, still living in the US just months before getting married and moving to the UK, a lump was found in my breast at a routine annual visit. The OBGYN at the college health center where I had the exam was concerned and scheduled an appointment for me the following week with a specialist. The following week, I saw the specialist who did his own exam and some scans. The scans showed two lumps which seriously concerned him. He said the size of one of these lumps was so large that he "wouldn't leave that inside anyone." He scheduled me the next day for a lumpectomy. Thankfully, after biopsying the lumps post-surgery, they were all benign, but he recommended that I get regular mammograms despite my young age because of the risk my body apparently posed. This was in the United States.
In stark comparison, when I moved to Scotland later that year, I explained to my new GP my breast situation, and he flat out refused to schedule me for any mammograms ever because I was too young. He even refused to have a nurse perform a physical exam, because it wasn't time for my yearly.
This example shows either an insensitive health care professional (which are everywhere) in comparison to a thorough and careful one (which are everywhere), or it shows good health care versus bad.
Now let me say this. I lived in the UK and enjoyed the advantages of the NHS for nine years. There is only a small handful of negative experiences I can recount, none of which were life-threatening in any way. In fact, they all land in the range of annoying or aggravating. The rest of my experiences go something like this:
I had three pregnancies and three live births that went remarkably well. I had routine ultrasounds at 12 weeks and 20 weeks. With my first, the routine 20 week scan showed possible placenta previa. This triggered more scans, eventually confirming placenta previa and requiring a c-section. The c-section was performed perfectly and safely, resulting in a healthy baby and mother. My second birth, a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), required monitors, provalactic antibiotics, and some anesthesia, and resulted in a healthy birth. The final one was a fully planned home-birth (provided by the NHS with licensed midwives) which unfortunately resulted in an ambulance to the hospital due to meconium in my waters but also ended with a live, healthy birth (and I was even allowed to birth him drug-free and naturally, as I'd planned).
My son was born with a dilated kidney, which had been closely monitored all through pregnancy via ultrasounds. Dilated kidneys, especially post birth, often indicate kidney malfunction. This involved many visits to the hospital for scans and visits with the pediatrician for six months until his kidneys were deemed normal and fully functioning.
My daughter had orthopedic issues. This involved regular visits to the child podiatrist for check-ups and non-surgical modifications. She eventually outgrew this issue. This same daughter got her finger severed in a slammed in a door, requiring immediate emergency attention, surgery, and a short hospital stay.
These are just examples of the medical issues I'm willing to share publicly. This does not touch on all of them. Here's the thing: despite the rhetoric that state-funded health care is sub par and discriminates against the elderly and takes years to be treated, this is not the experience of most people. Yes, you will find horror stories. I know people personally who have them. Yes, there will be bad doctors and missed diagnoses and sometimes waiting lines. I know people who have had this happen to them too. Yet, don't be fooled into thinking this only happens with socialized medicine. This also happens in the US; this is not a socialist problem, but a human error (or human asshole) problem. For every NHS horror story, you can find a private health care one to match.
What you will not find in the UK, however, that you will definitely find in the US is this - a bill.
When I had that breast surgery at twenty-two, I was terrified. I worried for a week waiting for the biopsy report. Scott and I discussed over the phone what we'd do if I had cancer. (He was going to fly right over is what he was going to do.) I had never felt so much fear. When the report came back clean, I was relieved to tears.
Then the first bill rolled in. Something like $200. I breathed in deeply and pulled money out of savings to pay the bill. A few days later, another bill came in. It was around $400. The panic started to set in. My savings were for my wedding and for moving abroad, not for paying these bills! Then another came in, and another. One for the anesthesia. One for the surgeon. One for the hospital stay. One for the specialist's scans. One for the lab. I was under my parents insurance, so I knew nothing about deductibles and out of pocket expenses. I thought $20 co-pays were all I ever had to pay. I ended up calling my parents in tears, because I could not pay all these bills - I didn't have enough in savings to do so.
Compare that to finding out I needed a c-section. I cried, because I didn't want to be sectioned and I was worried about my baby. But when we came out of it just fine, I didn't have to think about the bills rolling in. I could just be thankful my baby was alive.
And when my son had kidney issues, I didn't have to think about how to pay for all these scans and hospital visits. And when my daughter had orthopedic issues, I didn't have to weigh up whether they were valid enough to warrant seeing a specialist or not.
When I first moved to Scotland, I broke a glass in my hand doing dishes. The cut was deep, blood was everywhere, and some broken shards of glass even got lodged inside the cut. Scott tried to get me to go to the A&E (ER), but I refused. He reminded me it was free, but I still refused. Medical treatment had always been something I had to weigh up according to its level of severity and necessity. A cut I could mend myself with bandages and soapy water did not warrant visiting a doctor. Though it would have been free, I was not used to seeing a doctor for such things.
(For years, I could feel something small and hard inside my hand near that cut. A tiny shard of glass, perhaps?)
Here is my point.
Health care shouldn't deplete one's savings. A person shouldn't have to decide against care for their child because the level of severity doesn't quite justify the cost. Being forced to forego medical treatment because it would cost too much should never have to happen. A person shouldn't have thousands of dollars in deductibles to meet before the insurance he or she is paying into kicks in to help out. (True story: Sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office a few weeks ago, I overheard a woman ask the receptionist to try billing her insurance company since she had now met her$4000 deductible - in February. In two months, her family had already forked over 4k in medical bills. What will the rest of her year look like, and how much will she end up paying out of pocket by December?)
Let me be even more clear.
A person working for minimum wage or living under the poverty line or out of work (for whatever reason) should not have to make decisions about his or her own health or family's health based on what they can afford. An underprivileged family with a child suffering from behavioral or mental disorders (ADHD, autism, learning disabilities, anxiety, or any other) or who has a developmental delay (occupational, physical, or speech) or who has minor or major illnesses (asthma, ear infections, or any physical ailment that affects his normal day-to-day activities) should have the same access to treatment as a family with the money to pay for it. But the reality is, in the United States of America, the richest country in the world, those families are having to make devastating choices constantly about their health care.
Do we use emergency services, knowing we cannot pay the bills?
Do we seek cheaper options that are not proven to work?
Do we forego the treatment all together, though it may lead to all kinds of issues down the road?
And when they do deem the treatments medically necessary - or when an accident occurs, like a severed appendage or broken bone - these treatments often land them further in poverty and debt. Medicaid only covers so much, and if you don't qualify for Medicaid but still don't have the money to fork over to pay all your medical bills (and heaven forbid something major comes up, like cancer), you are faced with crippling medical debt that will haunt you and your credit for years, even decades, to come.
How is this okay to a large majority of people in the richest country in the world? How are we okay, not only with our own insurance plans, that make us pay thousands outright before letting us access the coverage we are paying large monthly premiums for, but with knowing children and people living in poverty or near poverty are suffering needlessly because they do not have the money to pay for medical care?
Yes we have Medicaid and Medicare, which helps tremendously, and I am very much in favor of these programs. But as they stand now, they simply cannot go far enough to help solve the problem. When people who have low enough income levels to qualify for Medicaid are still being landed with copays and hospital bills they cannot afford, there is a problem we should all be deeply concerned about.
I agree with Bernie Sanders. Health care is a right. A human right. And where does that right come from? Where all other human rights, like safety and security, equality, religion, freedom from slavery or discrimination, education, adequate living conditions, and so forth, come from. They come from being a human being.
I had no intentions this year of doing the Reading Challenge again. I wanted to read whatever I wanted to read and not be beholden to a list.
But when I realized that the seven books I've read so far this year all check off a category in the 2016 list, I thought, "Eh, what the heck." We'll try the Reading Challenge again. The difference being that this time, it's all about balance, and if I go off-list or fudge a little or if I don't finish, I won't care. I'm not going to be a purist like last time, nor am I going to feel the same deep and personal commitment to this project.
"The true story of a nice Jewish boy who joins the Church of Scientology and leaves twelve years later to become the lovely lady she is today."
How could I read that tagline and NOT read this book?
I gotta be honest; this wasn't an easy book to read, nor is it for the faint of heart (or stomach). She writes in shocking, graphic detail about BDSM, masturbation, and sex, both hetero- and homosexual. However, Bornstein's story is fascinating and sad, covering her conversion and time spent in Scientology as well as her transition to living as a woman. She talks about being separated from her children, because she has been declared an SP ("Suppressive Person", a danger to Scientology) and a pervert by the Church, and she discusses her painful relationship with her family who had a difficult time accepting her as a woman. This book is very raw, graphic, and blunt. I'm glad I read it, but it is definitely going on the no-kids shelf until they are all a fair bit older!
(DISCLAIMER. Let me be clear, by the way, since I'm not one for censorship: What makes it un-kid-friendly is not the fact that she is a transwoman. My kids are aware of trans issues and are being constantly taught that it's who a person is inside that matters. It is the graphic descriptions of BDSM and masturbation, among other things, that make this inappropriate for kids.)
Fascinated by Kate Bornstein's experience with Scientology, I next read the much talked about book by actress Leah Remini telling her story of her life in Scientology. Remini's mother joined the CoS when Remini was a young child, and Remini spent most of her life in the Church, even joining the Sea Org, the CoS clergy, which is a paramilitary organization. Remini tells us of the conditions she lived in, the work she was required to do, and the way in which the Church manages to brainwash its members into total submission, through encouraged tattling (Knowledge Reports), regular auditing (sort of like counseling with an E-meter), and ostracism when doing something "out-ethics" or "out-PR". She tells of her rise to stardom and her journey up the Bridge to Total Freedom, finally all culminating with being ostracized right out of the Church due to an upset at Tom Cruise's wedding. This book is truly fascinating and infuriating. There is nothing innocent about Scientology, especially when it comes to how it treats children, particularly Sea Org children. If you'd like some light reading on Scientology with a fun dose of celebrity gossip, I recommend this book.
Self-helpish. Scott bought me this for Christmas. We both read Freakonomics a few years ago and liked it. This one is similar but with a different slant. It encourages readers to think outside the box, asking questions that don't seem relevant or intuitive from the outset but may be the questions that hold the answers that elude us. Some of the stories were already told in Freakonomics which was kind of annoying, but it was still an intersting read. The idea of asking unusual questions to reach new solutions to old problems is probably something I'll carry with me, particularly in the workforce. February Books:
Bossypantsby Tina Fey (A book written by a comedian)
This was our February book club choice. I thought it was pretty funny, most of it. I disagreed with some of the things she said - about Photoshop not actually affecting how girls view their own bodies, for instance - but you know, I enjoyed it. Tina Fey is funny. Let it be known: Girls are funny.
My biggest complaint was how all over the place the book was. It just kind of jumped all around, making it kind of hard for me to sum it up here. If you asked me what it was about, my answer would be... "Lots of stuff, said with jokes."
560 pages is CLOSE ENOUGH. It's not that I can't or won't read anything longer, it's that I don't want to commit myself to do so. I have a lot of books I'd like to read, and a 600 page book takes up too much time. I'm balancing. So sue me. (If you are Donald Trump, you probably will at least threaten to.) Okay, so the book. I have wanted to read this for ages, being a huge fan of the musical. The musical is so witty and so cute and so fun. I love how it twists the Wizard of Oz story like a perfect green pretzel. The book? Not so much. I'd maybe say it's still witty, but cute and fun? Not really. It's very dark. Humorous, but dark. It's also far more convoluted than the musical. It's not as perfectly twisted as the musical, but it's certainly still twisted. If I could judge the book on its own merits in its own right, I'd say I liked it. I did, I really did. But it wasn't what I thought I'd be reading. There was no Kristin Chenoweth or Idina Menzel. No "Popular". But there was plenty of cruelty, salaciousness, and death. I liked it. In its own way.
The Fault In Our Starsby John Green (A book with a blue cover) This book has been built up so much, I think, that I was a little let down. I haven't seen the film yet; I've been waiting to read the book. I don't mean to say I didn't like the book, because I did. But it wasn't the tearjerker, heartbreaker I expected it to be. I called the ending pretty much from the start, so I wasn't surprised. Therefore, I wasn't wiping away tears. Sad story anyway, and a good story. I'd maybe liked it more if the hype hadn't been so great. Sorry, fans. I do plan to watch the movie now.
I may have developed a serious fascination with Scientology. I think Scott is worried.
This is my third escape-from-Scientology book I've read. What makes this one so interesting is that Jenna Miscavige Hill is David Miscavige's niece - David Miscavige being the current leader ("Chairman of the Board" or COB) of the Church. She was a third generation Scientologist, raised from birth as a Scientologist. Her mother was a prominent executive in the Sea Org and her father was a high up Sea Org member too.
Hill describes her life being virtually separated from her parents from the age of 2, seeing her parents on average once a week until she was 12, then only a small handful of times (3-5) after that until adulthood. She shares her experience growing up at the Ranch, basically a child labor camp, where she signed a billion year contract with the Sea Org. Following that, she moved to the Flag base in Clearwater, FL, where she was inducted as an extremely young member of the Sea Org, despite not being prepared via the necessary courses. She tells of all the interrogation she endured when her family members stepped out of Scientology lines, even though she was still basically a child. Her whole story borders on disbelief; one wonders how this organization has not been shut down already for its cruelty to children.
If you want to read a serious book about life inside Scientology, this is the place to start. Hill is relatable, likable, and a little bit tragic. Ultimately, though, she is a survivor, a brave young woman unafraid to tell her story without being bullied by the multi-million (multi-billion?) dollar organization she grew up in - even if it means facing off with the very top man himself, her uncle.
Join the 2016 Reading Challenge and tell me what you're reading!
I used to hate politics. Mostly because I didn't understand it, partly because it seemed irrelevant, a little because it was cool to be "jaded" about it. (You know, when you're so young that you're jaded about everything.) I voted for the first time in the 2000 presidential election at 18 years old, following the sage advice of my dear Republican parents ("Just tick all the Rs"), which meant, yes, I helped Dubya get into office.
Then I buggered off to the UK and left y'all to it.
In the UK, as a non-citizen indefinite-leave-to-remain resident, I had no voting rights, so I paid little attention to British politics either. Besides, things seemed to be going better over there, what with free health care and all that, so it didn't matter much to me if we were Tories or Labour - I was getting socialized medicine and child benefit! (I was not, on the other hand, eligible for most other social programs, like the dole.)
Then the SNP started talking about actually holding the referendum they'd promised when they first came into power, and I started paying a little more attention. There had been a council tax freeze, thanks to the SNP? Oh, England doesn't get free prescriptions like Scotland? Nick Clegg wasn't the saviour the Lib Dems thought he'd be? Hmm. I'm possibly quite in favour of this idea of independence.
(Like all the u's I did there, as I reverted to British English?)
And then I buggered back off to the US and left y'all to it. Not that it mattered; I couldn't vote in the referendum anyway. I could only cheer my support and hope someone cared what the American thought about Scottish independence.
I came back to America much more open-eyed politically than I'd left it. I'd lived socialism up close and personal; I'd seen the benefits and the pitfalls. I had also looked at America through American eyes and a foreigner's; I recognized our strengths and our weaknesses.
Upon returning to the States, I decided it was time to get involved in politics. I dove into research for the gubernatorial primaries and elections in 2014. I started reading about budgets and spending, foreign policy, tax revenues, social issues, environmental issues, immigration. I started talking to people about these things, listening and arguing (usually not both at the same time), trying to understand.
(Let me add here, that in this time, I discovered Bernie Sanders and was already a fan and Facebook follower well before he announced he was running for President.)
I am still learning and still listening. (Sometimes, still arguing.) I have much to learn, but I'm in it now. And now, all my political self-education leads me to this critical point in history, and I have to ask:
Are the presidential elections always this insane?
I keep hearing everyone say "all bets are off" with this one. Everyone's saying this is the strangest election cycle in a long time. Part of me wonders if this is just near-sighted, past-forgetting, hyperactive hysteria, or if no, really, this is madness.
I mean, the front-runner of the Republican party makes public remarks about a woman "bleeding out of her whatever", wanting to punch protesters, how he could shoot someone and still have followers, how much he loves "the poorly educated" because he won their vote, that all Mexican immigrants are murderers and rapists (sorry, "some are probably okay") and calls for Muslims to be banned from the country, and voters are flocking to the polls to vote for him. Then trailing a sad ways behind him are a myriad of unlikely characters, of which only one - maybe two - actually seem like real people and not drawings in a bitterly sarcastic political cartoon.
On the other side, we have a woman who is pretty well reviled amongst virtually all Republicans (and a fair number of Democrats) and an elderly socialist from Vermont of all places. (I recently had to look up Vermont on a US map, because I literally wasn't sure where it was.) I'm a Democrat, and I will strongly support either candidate because I think they would both make great leaders, but even I can admit they must look just as insane to Republicans as the current GOP lineup looks to me.
Any combination of this motley crew brings up multiple question marks. How on earth is this election going to go? I have no idea. Trump v. Clinton? Cruz v. Sanders? Rubio v. Clinton/Sanders ticket v. wounded third party candidate Trump? How do you even predict outcomes like these?
One thing is for sure. This election hasn't been much about "politics". The issues I've been spending so much time researching seem to come up much less than, say, how many lies so-and-so has told, how many flip-flops so-and-so has made, how much so-and-so hates so-and-so, and how so-and-so is "the only person on this stage who". I'm referring to both parties here, having watched a majority of both parties' debates. Are they usually so full of vitriol, ignorant rhetoric and blind partisanship?
(I'm going to go with "yes" here. I'm going to go with "this is why young people are jaded about politics even before they're old enough to vote in a general election". I'm going to go with "that's why there are so many bitterly sarcastic cartoons out there".)
One more thing is for sure. No matter who wins this next presidential election, the future of American politics and its parties are going to change drastically. Or is that what they say every four years? I guess we're about to find out.
I'll be honest: I pretty much had decided to be done with this. This is the eleventh year in a row for me to answer these annual questions, and I am just sort of tired of it. I also can barely remember 2015 - it was such a blur. However, it's been almost a month since I've posted on my blog (sad, exhausted face), so to kick myself in the arse and get back to trying to regularly blog, I'm starting with something easy-hard - the 40 Questions.
1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
As long as you don't count my ebook, I published a book for the first time! As in, a real book in print that you should order, because it doesn't cost much, given I used a 10 point font and narrow margins to reduce the number of sheets per copy, thus reducing the base cost of producing said book. Also, I think it's a pretty good book (even though I can't read it anymore because I've found two typos and I can't bear to read any further in case there are more). (Also, I keep thinking of things I should've added.) (Second edition looks very likely.) (Oh, and yeah, The Last Petal Falling is also an ebook, if that's what floats your boat.)
Promoting my book like a boss at my first book fair.
2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Last year, I resolved to get back on keto and lose the last of my weight. I am pleased to say I got down to within five pounds of my goal weight and maintained that for months... until I began working full time in an office job. I have since gained just about all my weight back. Dagnabit.
I also resolved to do another "stuff" clear out. I did have a garage sale, but I'm thinking now I really should've purged more.
This year, I made several resolutions. I am both sorry and not surprised that I have already broken each and every one.
- Spend less, save more? Haven't done that at all.
- Read books I have, don't buy new books? Well, I have read some books I already had but hadn't read, yet I have also already spent way too much money at the bookstore for it being on February. (See failed resolution "Spend less, save more".)
- Lose office 15? I lost 5 pounds, then put it back on, because I love food and think maybe I should just be happy with my body for once instead of always trying to be skinnier.
- Exercise more? I have been to the gym ONCE. I also took my dog out for a walk... once.
- Put another book into print? Okay, I haven't failed at that yet, since there are still ten months left to accomplish that in. I do have a plan to turn that aforementioned ebook into an updated print edition. That really needs to happen.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Scott's brother and his wife (my brother/sister-in-law) had their fourth little bundle, wee Rohn. Yay! And my college BFF Amanda had her first baby, little miss Stella. If I've forgotten anyone else, it's because I barely remember 2015, and I also might be a terrible person.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Eh... I don't think so? If someone did, I am so sorry. Again, 2015 = blur. And terrible person.
However, though he was not super close to me, my dear friend Paula lost her husband to cancer this year, and she is close to me, and I really grieved for her. Being a continent away from people you love has been my constant thorn-in-the-flesh for the last twelve years.
5. What places did you visit?
We visited Texas in August to celebrate my brother-in-law Pete's 30th birthday. It was the first time we have seen their family's adorable wee home and town. And as an added bonus, Scott's cousin Amy was visiting at the same time from Scotland!
Scottish family
6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
So two years ago I said, "by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan. A life plan... I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle." Last year I hoped that meant moving to Seattle, WA. That was what I hoped my "life plan" would be. But here's the thing: my plans NEVER go according to plan. So here we are, almost three years back in America, and you know what? We're just gonna keep on winging it. As for where we are going to finally settle? For the now, it's here.
Last year, I wanted a little more adventure and excitement. I suppose we managed that, in many small ways. Again, it didn't include a cross-country move, but it included a new job and a new chapter in my life, which is pretty exciting.
This year, I'm asking the universe for balance, something I severely lacked after going back into the workforce.
7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory?
July 1st - the date I launched my book. One week later, I started my new job. Three weeks after that, we moved to a new house in a new town. (It was kind of a hectic summer.)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Broken record here: Book published. Job acquired.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Gaining back all that damn weight I worked so hard to lose.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I don't recall any trips to the ER, so I'm going to guess no. (Touch wood.)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Here's the thing - Scott and I spent most of our marriage on one income, struggling to make ends meet, broke as a feckin' joke. Things got better when we moved to the US, but when I started working and suddenly we had actual spending money again, I bought ALL THE THINGS. Was any of it worth it? Probably not. Except for these kickass shoes.
Yes, that's a velociraptor tattoo.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Not Donald Trump.
But seriously, I don't know. My book club friends should get mentioned somewhere, so here. Thanks for accepting me, girls, even though we're different, even though we don't believe the same things. You ladies make living in Arkansas, dare I say it, enjoyable.
Drinking cocktails in book club tees.
13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
I don't think I have any regrets about the past year, but I do still grieve being a stay-at-home-mum. I feel in many ways I've done my children a disservice by going back to work full time, outside of the house. I like my job, and I like feeling like a Powerful Career Woman (PCW, just made that up), but I do feel like it's at the expense of my kids and of someone I used to be.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Two things - new furniture and books. Books, glorious books!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The release of Quiet Company's album Transgressor, which I listened to non-stop from February to like August. And the release of my book, too, duh.
16. What song/album will always remind you of 2015?
Crap. I remember thinking at one point, "Remember this album for your 40 Questions!" But I have no idea what it was.
One song that will always remind me of last year is John Legend's "All of Me". Paula told a story about when her husband first really heard the words to that song, how he broke down. Now I break down every time I hear it, feeling their pain, their love, their helplessness. Shit, where are my tissues?
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Happier! I don't live in Nowheresville anymore. I'm in Somewheresville now! (Still not as awesome as WeveMadeItville, but I'm still happy!) thinner or fatter? Fatter! And damnit, I'm going to just go with it! richer or poorer? Richer! Double incomes! We get to pay more taxes now! (Which I'm more than happy to do, I should add.)
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. The second half of the year at least. And I miss doing volunteer work, something I aim to correct this year.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stress about stuff.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
We had a great Christmas this year. I was actually super into the Christmas spirit. We went to a carol service (at a church! An atheist in a church!) late on Christmas Eve, then went out for an even later Indian meal with the kids. When we got home, we each opened one present - a book each. I'm hoping it'll be our new Christmas Eve tradition, to exchange books. The next morning, we opened presents, then my dad and stepmom came over for breakfast. Later in the day we went to my aunt's house for family Christmas. The next day we went to my mom's for Christmas. The next day we went to my dad's for Christmas. Or something along those lines. It was a LOT of Christmases in a row. And a lot of fun!
Jaguar fell asleep and missed Xmas Eve book exchange.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Vendors and work colleagues. I spend a lot of time at work on the phone.
22. What's your best memory from 2015?
Blur blur it's all a blur. Visiting Texas. Getting told, "We'd like to offer you the job." Getting a book endorsement from Hemant Mehta, and then him promoting it on his blog.
23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
First, I think I should copy some of what I put last year, because it's still true, and I'm still growing this way: "I've learned that in order for anything to ever get better, we are going to have to actually do something about it. I can't sit back and hope someone else does something, but I myself must take action... I think we all have our part to play in the big stuff, but even in the small things - keeping a friend's kids so they can get out, donating money or time to tornado relief, bringing someone groceries when they are sick, writing a little note to encourage someone. All the little things that take so little of me but give so much to someone else. "
Secondly, I feel I'm turning back into a PCW (Powerful Career Woman TM). No, but seriously, I feel I'm getting that confidence back, that belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. Not that I was unconfident before, because I wasn't. (I was one heck of a supermum sometimes, and I also wrote a book!) But I didn't have that workplace ambition I'm now seeing in myself. I like it. Although I'll say again, it usually feels that this comes at the cost of my family life. Oh, Balance, Balance, where for art thou, Balance?
24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
TV? Did I watch TV in 2015?
26. What was the best book(s) you read? What books would you like to read in the next year?
Y'all, I did the 2015 Reading Challenge and read so many good books. Off the top of my head, the ones that stick out the most:
Disgruntled by Asali Solomon God Help the Child by Toni Morrison The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
I used to be a big Pedro the Lion fan like every good Christian Indie kid. Then I was sad when he "left the faith". I tried to be open-minded and listen to some of his post-Christian stuff but just couldn't get into it. ("Too angsty", I recall saying.)
But so then I became one of those post-Christian types who left the faith, and I decided to give David Bazan another chance. I started listening to his album Curse Your Branches and like WHOA. So my greatest musical RE-discovery is David Bazan (whom Scott and I just went to see play a house show a couple weeks ago).
28. What did you want and get?
A job! And royalty payments!
29. What did you want and not get?
To move away. (That's what I said last year too. But I'm happy, it's cool.)
30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Since Deadpool was just now, um... Ooh, The Force Awakens was last year, right? And Spotlight was good.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Me and my gal pals went to Painting With A Twist for my birthday. My gym friends, my book club friends, and my old best high school friends. It was really fun.
I love these peeps!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to remember it. Blurrrrr.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
January - July: Workout chic.
July - December: Business casual.
Heels and shit.
34. What kept you sane?
Scott reminding me constantly that my brain had NOT turned to mush, and that I CAN be a PCW again! And wine. 35. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
My birthday, being surrounded by friends, was special. Especially since 2014 was the year of wishing I had friends and missing my Scottish people.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Apparently this is the third year I'm saying this but it remains true: Health care and same-sex marriage. This year, add Citizens United and campaign finance reform and income inequality. #FeelTheBern
37. Who did you miss?
All my Scottish friends who I loved so, so much: Paula, Heather, and Elaine. Maria and Carol. Sheila and Robyn. Gordy, Kieran, and Lee, Lynda, Arthur, Pauline. The list goes on. I miss y'all.
38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
The Velociraptors in an Opium Den. (Aka., the book club.) I also quite like a lot of the people I've met at work.
(Remember that velociraptor tattoo? That's how much I love book club.)
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
I don't have to be supermom. It's okay to just be the World's Okayest Mom.
It's true.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what
is known as (parklife)
And morning soup can be avoided if you take a route straight through what is
known as (parklife).
John's got brewers droop, he gets intimidated by the dirty pigeons. They love a bit of it (parklife).
Who's that gut lord marching... you should cut down on your porklife mate...
get some exercise.
ALL THE PEOPLE
SO MANY PEOPLE
THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND
HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR PARKLIFE
(Know what I mean?)
I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the
dustmen (parklife).
I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea, and I think about leaving the house
(parklife).
I feed the pigeons. I sometimes feed the sparrows too -
It gives me a sense of
enormous well-being (parklife) -
And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge there will
always be a bit of my heart devoted to it (parklife).
It's got nothing to do with vorsprung durch technic, you know,
And it's not about you joggers who go round and round and round...
Y'all, I LOVE the snow. I love the perfect, untrodden fleece of soft white comforting the ground and the rooftops, the scarves wrapped loosely around tree limbs. I love the serenity of no traffic passing by, no people rushing about, everything halted in time. I love the silence and peace hanging chilly in the air. I love the 6am phone call from the school district announcing the schools are closed and the text from work promising a free day off. I love the excitement of children waking up and seeing the snow outside their frosty windows, the squeals of pure, innocent delight, childhood memories in the making.
But y'all, I HATE the snow.
I hate the cold, wet bite of it. I hate the burning sting of it on my skin. I hate the cold, wet cuffs of trousers and sopping, refrozen gloves. I hate to see the untouched bright blanket blinking in the sun destroyed by boot trails and snowballs. Y'all, I'll admit it, I hate snowmen.
But how do I explain that I still love the snow, nonetheless? I love to watch my kids revel in the joy of snowplay, I love to watch my husband turn into a big kid when the snow falls. I love to observe the snow; I just hate to engage with it.
I am the World's Okayest Mom. While I loathe rolling large balls of snow into sad-looking "men" and throwing and/or being hit by snowballs, I do love making hot chocolate and building log fires and watching movies with my family, all the indoor joys of snow. I'll leave the outdoor frozen activities to the big kid I'm married to.
It feels a little late in the game, being the 13th of January, but I do have some New Year's Resolutions I feel ought to be written down and solidified somehow to make them real. Already I've broken, like, all of them, but maybe it's because I haven't set them in stone anywhere yet?
Below are 5 things I'd like to accomplish in 2016, including acknowledgement of the barriers to accomplishing them. Writing down the things that make resolutions hard to keep is a good step towards keeping them, or so my friend across the cubicle wrote on our company's blog (25 Tips for Success: New Year's Resolutions). So here I go - plans and goals for the new year.
1. Spend less, save more. I have big plans for saving money this year. I think I do every year, but this time I mean it! There are things I'd like to accomplish that require saving up for. The benefits of saving money are obvious, but the "costs" are harder to quantify. Truth is, I enjoy spending money. When I'm feeling low, I like to buy clothes or books. My goal this year is to resist that urge. The money may be there to spend, but I want to choose not to spend it. I need to find other therapies besides retail therapy.
2. Read the books I have. Following #1, I want to try not to buy any more books until I've read all the ones I bought last year and haven't read yet. The Reading Challenge last year was so much fun, but it made me go a little crazy buying books. Now I have whole shelves full of books I bought last year but haven't had the chance to read yet. Before I buy more, I want to read these first. There are plenty to last me! If I can just fight my addiction to buying new books and stay out of bookstores... That's my biggest barrier to that one!
3. Lose the Office 15. Like going away to college for the first time, going back to work meant putting on some unwanted extra weight. Going from an extremely active lifestyle of working out multiple times a week to sitting at a desk eight hours a day has cost me my hard-earned waistline. I have a goal of losing 15-20 lbs by my birthday in April. If I can make that goal, I have a birthday treat waiting for me; I'll try out Stitch Fix. I've heard so many good things about it but don't want spend the money on nice things I'll hopefully under-grow. This kind of ties into #1 again, too. Rather than spending money often on little things, I'd like to get back to my goal weight and then only spend money on a few very nice things. Barriers to losing weight? Keto is boring, and finding time to work out is next to impossible.
4. Exercise more. Tying into losing weight, I want to get back to the gym. The barriers to this are huge: time and interest. I have only a limited amount of free time anymore and a very limited interest in my new gym. I realize now how spoiled I was with my old gym. The Community Center had fantastic classes with fantastic instructors that I was super excited about. The gym I've joined in my new town, however, lacks everything I loved about my old rec center. So convincing myself to go to it - knowing none of the classes are fun and the only other thing I'll be interested in doing is the treadmill - is tough. But I want to try. Lesson learned though: Don't join a gym that won't let you visit it several times first.
5. Put another book in print. Last year, of course, I published my first book. This year, I'd like to put another book in print - perhaps poetry or short stories. My biggest barrier to that, however, is imposter syndrome. I'm really just a complete farce of a writer. This is a hard feeling to bypass. After publishing my book, I refused to read it again, afraid I'd lose all courage if I did. Well, I got a Kindle for Christmas and decided to read my book in Kindle format. I've lost all confidence, just as I feared. One day, I'll probably release a second edition of The Last Petal Falling, filling in all the details I realized I should have included and bulking up the story in places that lack and fixing phrases I now wish I'd put differently. But until then, I need to keep writing. Push through my complete lack of faith in myself and my certainty that I'm just a big fraud and put something else out there. I can't let the self-doubt win!
Sad confession time. I only got through 1.5 books in December.
And the only reason I have taken so long to blog about them is because I really wanted to at least finish the second book so I could write about two, not just one.
December is a busy, crazy month, so I'm don't feel too bad about failing the 2015 Reading Challenge. I only missed it by three books. I consider that pretty good!
Another sad confession. I've never read A Christmas Carol - until now, of course. I have, however, seen A Muppet's Christmas Carol, and like most people, I knew the story.
What can I say? It's a Christmas classic. I spent the whole time reading seeing Michael Cain, Kermit, Miss Piggy, and Gonzo. I could not even remotely imagine Bob Cratchit as a human or the Ghost of Christmas Present anything other than a giant puppet. And there was only one Marley... Even so, kudos to the Muppets for following the book almost word-for-word.
I'm not sure if this is a commentary on the book or the movie.
Daniel Martinby John Fowles (A book with more than 500 pages)
Ahhh. Now this is the book I wanted to talk about.
"A masterpiece of symbolically charged realism....Fowles is the only writer in English who has the power, range, knowledge, and wisdom of a Tolstoy or James." (John Gardner, Saturday Review) First, a little background. I love background. I took a modern fiction course in college with Ellen Gilchrist. In that class, Prof. Gilchrist introduced us to a wide array of fantastic novels I'd never heard of. Even the ones I didn't love still made a lasting impact on me. In that one class, she introduced me to three books I'll never forget, two of which have become lifetime favorites, and one of which literally changed the way I looked at literature forever. That last one was 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. But Daniel Martin is one of the two that has become a lifetime favorite. I chose this book as my "book with more than 500 pages", knowing that choosing it would mean not completing my challenge. I was okay with that. This book is no quick and easy read. The plot develops slowly yet steadily, like life. No details are omitted. Deep introspection of the narrator and thorough psychoanalysis of the supporting characters accompanies every small moment. Reading this book is like reading God's diary. How do I even begin to describe this novel? It is the most intelligent, intellectual, insightful, raw, honest, and challenging book I can think of. To give the plot line almost does the book a disservice, because it is so much more than just a story. Daniel Martin is a middle-aged British screenwriter, living in California, coming to terms with his past, present, and future, all of which seem in some way to take the form of the females in his life: his grown daughter, his ex-wife, his young girlfriend, his ex-sister-in-law. The past he has spent his entire present trying to put behind him finally pulls him back when his estranged ex-brother-in-law/best friend requests to see him one last time before he dies of cancer. Daniel must return to England and face all that he has successfully ignored for far too long. Daniel Martin is a story. It is also politics. It is religion. It is psychology, sociology, anthropology. Throw in the discreet and moving sex scenes, and it's biology. This is my third time to read it, and like the two times before it, I have learned in it new things about humanity and about myself. It took all of December and a week of January to finish, and that's with steady reading. It is so dense, so rich, it can't be taken in all at once.It has to be read in chunks, chewed on, mulled over, considered.
However, if you have the patience and want to read a really great book, I highly recommend it. Oh, one more thing. You know that song "Nightswimming" by R.E.M.? I like to think Michael Stipe got the idea from this book. It was listening to that song that made me decide Daniel Martin would be my 500 page book. (More like 640.)
