Saturday, April 20, 2013

Conflicts of Feeling

I just needed an image... & I'll miss this bread.
The countdown is on. It is really truly on.

Sad as it is that we will be leaving the country in about seven weeks exactly, it is finally getting to the exciting stage. And the OH MY GOSH THIS IS FOR REAL stage. And the HOW AM I GOING TO GET EVERYTHING DONE?? stage.

There are so many mundane things to take care of. We need to cancel utility services (gas, electricity, internet). We need to pack what we are keeping, sell what we can, and dump all the rest. How?! I am starting to collect boxes, pack suitcases (and I need to get my hands on more suitcases, as we don't have enough!), and throw away junk. Scott has been watching plane tickets. We are now simply waiting on the Embassy to send us Scott's interview date. We are so close.

It's overwhelming.

The kids are doing great with it. They are excited about America and are coping okay with seeing stuff get sold out from under them, but there are still heartbreaking moments. As I tried to help them this morning clear out some stuff from their room, Fifi spotted some teeny tiny Happy Meal kind of toy, and as I started to put it in the trash bag, she flipped. 'I LOVE THAT! IT IS MY FAVOURITE TOY! YOU ARE TAKING AWAY EVERYTHING I LOOOOOOVE!!!' she wailed. It was a stupid toy I've never even seen before. So I let her keep it, and she spent the rest of the day fondling it, playing with it, and loving on it. It breaks my heart to be doing this to them, even though I know it's going to be a great experience for them. I just hate that they can't have it all: their toys, their Scottish family, their school, their friends AND America too.

I myself have come to terms quite well with a lot of my feelings regarding moving. I am feeling a freedom in handing over my belongings, whether it be to friends or to the bin. Part of me is excited about owning extremely little and letting go of my material things. The hard part will be fighting that urge to refill my life with more pointless things when I re-establish myself in our new home. Like losing weight quickly, I'll have to be careful not to pile it all back on. But I'm excited and feel liberated in this.

Saying that, Scott and I both felt a pang when Fifi's toy kitchen sold today... She got that for her first Christmas. Scott spent the whole day building it for her after she opened the box on Christmas morning. It kind of has some memories attached to it there, which is a bit sore.

I'll miss this more.
Next week, or thereabouts, we will be saying goodbye to Chewbacca, our rabbit. That's going to be a sore one on all of us; I think even Scott might miss the wee bugger just a little bit. Luckily, he is going to a great home, where we will be able to visit him several times before we actually move away, hopefully making the transition easier on us, Lolly especially. Lolly loves that rabbit so much. It's going to hurt me seeing her say goodbye to him more than it will hurt saying goodbye to him myself. These are the swings and roundabouts of moving.

I'm looking forward to the move now. My little trip over last week made such a difference in my heart. I'm an emotional person, and while I'm also rational, it's hard for me to get behind something I don't feel anything for along with the rational decision-making part of me. Rationally, we decided to move to the States but emotionally I wanted to stay here. Thankfully now though, after spending time with my brothers and their families, and my Dad and Denise, and my Mom and David, and the rest of my family, and my dear friend Devon, I am so looking forward to being over there with them. And after enjoying the wonderful weather, including an exciting thunderstorm, I am really looking forward to this. It's helped me feel emotionally compelled to do this, rather than solely intellectually.

But still, it all swings back to... goodbye to my mother- and father-in-law, who in reality are now closer to me than my own biological family, goodbye to my sister- and brother-in-law and nephew, goodbye to my dear wonderful friends, too numerous to name (but it is too hard to say goodbye to you, Maria, Heather, Carol, oh the list goes on...), goodbye to the Gaelic unit and the excellent teachers I have so much respect for, goodbye to this new church that I have so quickly found a home in (thanks to you wonderful women, Sheila and Robyn)... it's too much, too much.

I'm glad this move is only seven weeks away. I need these conflicting feelings to culminate, erupt, boil over and start to cool. I need this in-between time to end.

But I must end on a happy note. I am going to be so happy once we are settled into our new lives. Fifi is going to a great school. We are going to make great new friends in Northwest Arkansas. I will be only a few hours away from my family instead of a few days. We will be closer to Scott's brother's family. Scott is going to have a new job. I am going to decorate a new house. We are going to play outside in the sun and watch thrilling thunderstorms out our windows. I'm going to have ceiling fans.

It's going to be good.

*I just really want to add that I drew the images above, and I'm pure proud of them. :)

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