Thursday, April 28, 2005

Why Do We Read?

Ok, it's a misleading title, I'm not going to talk about books.

I followed this link from my internet friend and my husband's only wedding guest Benj's blog. I suggest you read it if you want to understand where I'm coming from now:


Reading this post helped me put words to mere suggestions and feelings I've had for a while. That's what I love about reading--finding that word that describes something you've never been able to put to words or seeing that situation played out that you couldn't see the end to.

For several months now I've just felt spiritually lazy and stuck. I feel like I can go nowhere, and I feel like the ways I know I can go somewhere are too difficult to endeavour. In church, I find that I'm either not singing along with the worship songs or I'm singing but not thinking or feeling. I feel terrible about it, but when I look at the songs, I think, "This means nothing to me." Sometimes the words will be theologically okay, but I still feel they mean nothing.

I've also had a similar suggestion in my mind that all the worship songs did was say what I was going to do, but I couldn't engage because I knew when I went home, I wasn't going to do this. I want to do it now while I'm thinking about it and moved to do it, but the situation does not allow it.

I am in no way passing the blame on the songs and aquitting myself. I am a sinner and a lazy Christian. I struggle with prayer times and Scripture reading times and overall time with God. I find it hard to do on a regular basis. I have a huge lack in motivation, though I have a real desire. I'm lazy.

But in those moments where I truly have the motivation to get serious and to truly engage in worshipping my Saviour whom I truly love, I am unable.

So please don't take what I'm saying as a cop-out. I'm not placing the blame on the music. Or at least not most of the blame.

However, so many songs really are "songs of procrastination". I need to tell God the truth when I'm worshipping Him. I need to tell him that at this very moment I see Him as beautiful, but I can't tell Him that I always see Him so or even that I always will from this point on. I don't want to say He makes me feel like dancing when I have zero desire to start doing a jig (or worse to say I'm dancing now when I am doing no such thing but that's another post entirely.) At this moment I give Him all my worship, but I do not give Him all my worship every moment of my life, much to my frustration, even though there are moments, many moments really, that I do want to glorify His Name and praise Him forever. I want to say what I mean now, but all the songs just say what I may or may not mean later.

Also, as the post I linked to points out, these songs don't get me anywhere. So I realise that I don't seek Your face, but I want to so I'll say I want to--true enough. But after singing the chorus fifty gazillion times, I still haven't done a single thing to seek His face. Unless I wisely stop singing and start praying, I haven't done anything! And furthermore, I haven't worshipped God. After twenty minutes of "worship" has anything changed? I wonder if God is even glorified after I've repeated a meaningless phrase millions of times to Him. He knows my heart and my desire to change, which indeed must glorify Him, but if the words I say mean nothing to me, how can they in turn mean anything to God?

Back to procrastination. People like to procrastinate, so it's no wonder these songs are so popular. People like to think, "Yes, I want to seek your face, I will, I promise.... when I get home, after I've had my lunch." But we cannot procrastinate when it comes to loving Jesus and following Him. Why not take up the issue in the moment with our hearts and admit that yes, now, I am a bloody failure. I'm a sinner. I'm not a good Christian. I don't follow you like I should. I sometimes don't even want to bother. So since I realise this, I must now do something about this. I can't wait until I'm a better, more mature Christian to deal with it--I must deal with it now while the issue is at hand. Otherwise I'll never reach that "better, more mature Christian" status. Because after I've had my lunch, I may well have forgotten what a sinner I am and may think I'm not so bad really afterall. Just like everyone else, right?

Gah. I'm so sick of not growing. Therefore, on that note, I, right now, give glory to God for His grace He's poured over me. I'm not going to start praising God for it, I'm doing it now. I, currently, give God all the glory.

(Scott and Graeme, let's learn some new songs for next Sunday.)

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