Wednesday, May 14, 2014

If Babies Could Blog About Playdates

Today a friend and her two year old son came over for a play date at my house. From the grownups point of view, there isn't really much to say about it; we had a good chat in between child interruptings and planned to get our families together for a BBQ soon. But from the kids' point of view, I imagine the play date was very different.

So, if Jaguar could blog, he'd probably say something along the lines of this:


Me and my big sissy were just minding our own business, her watching bright colors talking on the TV and me pushing my green dump truck, when the door opened and in entered a big person and a little person.

The little person caught my interest. He was my size roughly. At first, he didn't seem very interesting; he just sat on the big person's (a mummy of some sort perhaps?) lap. When he got up, he was just trying to look out the window, not even noticing Mummy had brought out ALL MY TOYS! Mummy NEVER brings out ALL MY TOYS at once, so this was a big deal. Since the person my size - they kept calling him something weird which made no sense and I couldn't pronounce anyway, so I just called him 'Babeh' because I can say that and it makes more sense - wasn't even paying attention to the awesomeness that is ALL MY TOYS, I tried to gently encourage him to come play by dragging him by the neck. For some reason (weird babeh) he cried when I was just trying to show him ALL MY TOYS.

So a few minutes later, he finally came over to the toys that I'd poured all over the floor, so we could both see better, and guess what Babeh did - he started playing with my NOAH'S ARK! I mean, not my NOAH'S ARK!! Seriously, Babeh, that's MY Noah's Ark. So I gently tried to take it back and Babeh cried again!

But get this, ya'll. Mummy took MY Noah's Ark back off of me and gave it back to Babeh!!! Then she gave me a dumb old airplane instead, which was like, NO. But then I realized the airplane made noises, so it was cool. Noah's Ark's batteries are dying anyway and the noises don't work.

So me and Babeh played with those toys for a little bit. I liked having Babeh there. We're both short, and we both like to play with toys, and get this - he knew what a potty was! Just like me! And Babeh was so cool, he didn't even try to use my potty, he just looked at it and used the Big Boy Potty in the bathroom, which was nice of him.

But just as things were getting good with Babeh, I noticed Babeh had MY TRUCK!!! Guys, that is MY truck!! So naturally, I once again gently tried to persuade him to give me back my truck by pushing him in the face, and Babeh responded by pulling my hair! I'm, like, you take MY truck out of the toy box and when I nicely push you to get it back you PULL MY HAIR? Me and Babeh were both crying now, and our mummies picked us up and gave us both into trouble. Not fair.

Babeh was a cool kid though, because he gave me the truck and I signed 'Thank You' back to him, and we were friends again. Mummy even gave him another one of my trucks (which I had to try hard to not get upset about), and me and Babeh rolled our trucks around on the table for awhile. Until Babeh tried to swap trucks with me, and then it all started all over again. He pushed me so I tried to bite him. Unfortunately Mummy pulled me away before I could really show him how I felt about him trying to swap trucks.

I calmed down though, and we started playing with blocks together. We were sharing SO GOOD, ya'll, and our mummies kept saying nice stuff like, "Good boys" and "Nice sharing" and that made me feel pretty awesome.

Then this one thing happened.

See, sometimes when Mummy opens up her mouth wide, I stick my finger in her mouth. It's kind of a thing we do, I guess you could say. So Babeh opened his mouth and I thought he was doing the thing too, so I stuck my finger in his mouth and want to know what he did? He bit me! He bit down on my finger! Mummy once again rushed over to intervene, and I was pretty distraught. Mummy kept saying stuff like "You shouldn't have put your finger in his mouth" like it was MY fault he bit me! Crazy. Mummies just DON'T GET IT.

Well, so we played a little while longer, and even though Babeh kept playing with my toys, which sometimes was okay but sometimes was totally NOT okay, we were having a good time. Until I wanted both of the trucks (they're MINE!) and Babeh started crying and Mummy tried to take one of the trucks off of me and I started crying and it was just really terrible what she was doing to me. I have to admit, I had a little bit of a breakdown, throwing myself on the floor kicking and screaming. It wasn't my best moment, but what would YOU do if your Mummy tried to take one of your trucks (that belong to YOU) away from you and give one to another person?

Well, mummies talk about these things I can't pronounce ("consequences" or some weird thing like that), and I guess that's what happened next because Babeh started pulling on his mummy and pointing at the door and saying "Go". So you know what happened next? Babeh left! He left!! My best friend, the best person in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD left!! I was devastated. Why did Babeh have to go? I loved Babeh!

Mummy said I was "tired" and I was like "I'm NOT tired, I just didn't want Babeh to leave (or play with my trucks)" but Mummy put me down for a nap anyway. I was SO NOT TIRED, but I ended up falling asleep right away anyway because my pillow felt SO GOOD to my head and it really had been a rather eventful morning.

The end.

Thursday, May 08, 2014

Arkansas Governor Primaries - For Dummies (Like Me)

So the Arkansas gubernatorial (I love that word) primary election day is in under two weeks. Early voting is currently open.

I'm a little late getting on the ball, but luckily I've still got time to research all the candidates before casting my primary votes. In Arkansas, to vote in the primaries, one has to choose a party and vote only within that party. Typically, I'd vote fairly Democrat, but since I live in Nowheresville, Arkansas, nearly every Democratic candidate on the ballot is uncontested, except for the position of Governor. (That means all the other positions on the ballot - most of which I think are strange positions to vote on like Sheriff, Judges and Coroner - only have one Democrat running at all, or in the case of judges, are non-partisan anyway, and still largely uncontested.) Therefore I'm also considering the possibility of choosing the Republican ballot and voting more tactically, or even - anything's possible! - finding a Republican candidate that I actually like.


I'm a newbie at politics, particularly American politics, so I'm writing this almost like a child doing a book report or an Arkansas Gubernatorial Elections for Dummies guide. My views might be inherently a little biased, but I will try to do justice to everyone's positions. My left leanings can't help but surface at times, but I'll do my best to keep commentary to a minimum.

After spending far too much time searching the four candidates' websites instead of doing housework and playing with the kids (they napped during most of this anyway), I present to you my clumsy assessment of the four gubernatorial (just love that word!) candidates based *solely* on their websites. This is the information THEY want to disclose about themselves (or their opponents), so everything is to be taken with a politician's grain of salt. Still, their own sites are a good place to start, demonstrating what they themselves find to be the important topics, or what they perceive we voters see as the important topics.

*******

I'll start with the two Dem. candidates, Mike Ross and Lynette Bryant.Lynette "Doc" Bryant is a physician and a substitute teacher. She is involved in charity work, mostly in the medical and educational sectors. This appears to be her first foray into public office. Unfortunately, her website is absolutely woeful, resembling a geocities site of the early 2000s (animated gifs and all). While I understand she may not have a huge budget (and Obama won a seat in the Illinois Senate with a fairly small budget, so budget isn't everything), even the content on her website is hard to get through and make sense of. One gets the impression that she is a little unsure of how to talk like a politician. True, everyone is sick of the average politician, and perhaps this is her angle, but like it or not, we still tend to trust politicians with our politics, and not so much those who appear inexperienced.

It didn't take much time to search the issues on her website. She only touches on a few topics anyway. Beginning with Health Care (my number one topic of importance), she gives lots of examples of various Arkansans' opinions or situations before finally almost saying what she thinks herself. I understand her tactic; she's showing she listens to the people and understands different residents have different needs and circumstances. Where she fails is that readers have to trudge through numerous examples before finding out her platform, only to be disappointed at the end with very non-committal conclusions. Regarding health care, she shows how the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) affects different Arkansans differently. She makes good points, about how it helps some people, some people don't want it because they don't perceive they need it, and some choose to accept their insurance companies increadsed premiums because they want no government assistance. (Incidentally, how come NO ONE seems to get that increased insurance premiums are not ACA's fault, but the companies themselves who have seen an opportunity exploit their customers by increasing premiums for no good reason?) Yet her conclusion? "The Affordable Care Act needs to be reviewed." Um, thanks. No mention of how she will treat the Medicaid expansion (the "private option"), which for me is going to be a deal-breaker on how I vote. I'd like to know - is she going to continue the private option? Or does it need to be "reviewed" too?

Her other issues, Education, Pre-K, Jobs and Armed Forces, are all similarly, well, void of information. I don't really have, judging by her website, any idea what she stands for. She is in favor of expanding pre-school to all children in Arkansas, but her article on that issue only discusses her opponent's previous voting record on the matter. I just have to assume she'd have voted Yea instead of Nay. Regarding Education, she acknowledges the problem lies with the system and not the teachers or parents. She feels there is too much bureaucracy and advocates loosening the government's control on teachers. There is a 24 minute "Meet the Candidates" video on her website discussing education for more information.

On all other important subjects, like Taxes, the Second Amendment and so on, her website is silent.



****

Mike Ross is her opponent for the Dem. spot. He is experienced as a former state and US Congressman. His website is better, much more professional. He includes more issues of consideration too. On Health Care, he states that he is very much in favor of Arkansas' Medicaid expansion/private option, and intends to fully implement that as Governor. (Here's some more detailed info on it from the current Governor, Mike Beebe.) Yet he then goes on to say he voted against the ACA 4 times and voted to repeal it 23 times. He apparently felt Obamacare had too many bad points, but also a few good points and that the Medicaid expansion option was one of the good ones. He states emphatically, though, that "in the richest, most powerful country in the world, there is no excuse, ever, for a child born in America today to be denied medical care because his or her family can’t pay." He helped expand ARKids Fifirst during his time in Congress.

He too is pro-preschool education for every 4 year old in the state. His opponent, Bryant, showed on her site how he voted against the Head Start bill in 2003, but that's all I know. That bill did include that religious organizations could use religion as a hiring factor, which leads me to wonder if this could have been his reason for voting against it. Who knows? Bills are fully of things, they are never single-topic, so there could be all sorts of reasons one votes against them, apart from the obvious. At any rate, his site doesn't discuss that, obviously, but explains how he intends to implement his Pre-Kindergarten Education plan, by gradually increasing funding and investments into the Arkansas Better Chance (ABC) program so that every 4-year old in AR has the opportunity to attend pre-school by 2025.

He discusses natural energy production, and our state's high ranking in natural gas production, and how we should be trying to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. He wants to attract manufacturers of windmills and solar panels to help do our our part to produce natural energy, since we can't directly produce the wind and solar enegeries, and to create jobs. I am happy to see "green" issues on his list of concerns. He is also an advocate of agriculture and farming, though I'm sure all of the candidates are! He was a member of the House Agriculture Committee in 2002 and helped pass the 21st Century Farm Bill and helped override Bush's veto of the 2008 Farm Bill.

He is pro-guns, a life member of the NRA, and will do nothing to restrict your gun-owning, gun-carrying rights. So all you gun-lovers will be happy to know that if he is elected, your guns will remain safely in your holsters. He has the voting record to prove it.

Fifinally, he discusses Income Tax. Everyone is always wanting to cut taxes, of course. No one likes paying them, but taxes are unavoidable and necessary. However, the income tax in Arkansas hasn't been revised since the 1971, when the average household was making $8,000. The average today is $40,000. Basically, all the candidates for Governor want to address this; the question is, what kind of plans do they have?

All of the candidates (except Bryant) indicate on their sites that they want to reform not just the percentage rate of taxes but the income level brackets too. Basically, if a family in AR makes $34k, they pay the topmost rate of 7% in income tax, which is higher than almost every other state. This is the same percentage for everyone over $34k, meaning those earning $100k, $200k, etc are all paying 7%. Remembering that the average income in AR is $40k (and the poverty line for a family of five is $27,910), $34k is a low cut-off rate for the highest income tax bracket.

Ross proposes dropping the percentages by only .1%, but he also wants to change the income level brackets to make the top payers those who make $75,100 and over. These top payers would receive a .1% decrease in taxation, paying 6.9% in income tax. The next level would be between $45k and $75,099, paying 5.9%. You can see the graph (and the plan) here which shows all his proposed new income tax brackets, but that means for the average middle class $40k a year earning family, they would now be paying 4.4% income tax. He does not indicate his time frame for this, but it appears these changes would happen simultaneously for all brackets. Those who are in the "working poor" classes then would get the break at the same time as everyone else. (Compare that to the plan Asa Hutchinson (R) proposes below where tax cuts start with the middle class and will later be extended to the lower class.) I think if anyone needs the tax break first, it's our working poor.

****

Let's move on to the two Republican candidates, Asa Hutchinson and Curtis Coleman.

Asa Hutchinson is a household name. He has been a US Congressman for many years, was the Director of the DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) and Under Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. There is no doubt that he is an experienced politician and has done some great work during his time in Congress, including negotiating the surrender of a violent terrorist group in Arkansas during Reagan's administration. His website, however glamourous, is somewhat devoid of information. You have to watch videos to find out what his platforms are, and the videos end up just being little soundbites of his ideologies. I hate watching videos, even if they are all under one minute long; I much prefer reading articles. He has a few articles posted about his issues, so I'll start with those.

He briefly discusses the Affordable Care Act. He is very much opposed, naturally as a Republican, and would like to see it repealed. He is dissatisfied with the insurance premium rates increase (again, the companies' move, not Obamacare's) and sees it as a job killer. However, repealing and replacing ACA is not in the Governor's remit, so at best he would have the influence over the Medicaid expansion option which Arkansas chose to implement. He states that AR was handed a terrible program and has had to make the best of it. Still, he is wary of the private option too, sees it as a "pilot" project and intends to assess its value to see if it should be terminated. He isn't convinced that it will have long-term cost benefits to taxpayers. In his words, "If the Private Option is not accomplishing its objectives and it costs too much, then we need to end it and I will be the first one to call for its termination."

He too wants to reform Income Tax in the state. As I mentioned previously, he wants to begin with tax cuts for the middle class first. His plan would mean a full 1% decrease in taxation, dropping the rate from 7% to 6% for earners between $34k and $75k, and from 6% to 5% for earners between $20,400 and up to $33,999. This does provide a good tax break annually for middle class (and lower middle class) families, which is great. Later on, he would bring the percentage down for the rest of those earning over and above $75k, but he says nothing about the rest of those in the lower brackets (under $20,400). I must admit I find it incredibly difficult to understand why he is completely ignoring the working poor who need the tax breaks more than anyone.

(And also, the question remains to all of the candidates- what programs are going to get cut out of the budget when the proposed tax cuts are implemented? That's a lot of money that was going somewhere no longer going there.)

The only other issues he writes about are education and job creation. He intends to allocate money for more training for students (particularly those not suited or interested in four-year college educations) to help them get jobs, and he will revisit the decision to include Common Core in our schools. He would like to see computer coding/ programming started in high schools to get more students learning computer science, which he feels is a window of opportunity being missed in the state, with well-paying jobs in technology on the steady rise. There are jobs out there in computer science, but students aren't introduced to the field in the numbers they could be.

That's all he really talks about. His short video clips just give soundbites on family values and experience without saying much of anything. And of course, his website informs us that he is endorsed by the NRA, of course, so your guns are still safe.

****

Then there is conservative Republican Curtis Coleman. He was the Founding President and CEO of Safe Foods Corporation and Chariman of The Institute For Constitution Policy. Since I've commented on the rest of the websites, I'll say his is fairly good-looking, but again, woefully devoid of useful information. The two easiest issues on his Policies tab to address are Life and Marriage, both of which he sums up in single sentences. These two sentences make it clear he is totally pro-life and totally anti-same sex marriage. Nuff said, I guess.

Similarly, his support for states' rights (10th amendment) is strong, and he advocates for no taxation of retired veterans. He is against federalization of the Arkansas National Guard. He also pro-guns (2nd amendment).

Education and taxation are the two topics that he offers more than just a few paragraphs (or sentences) to. In fact, he offers so much information on these two topics, I am completely unable to summarize his positions easily. Regarding education, he would like to implement ideas like creating vouchers that would allow parents more choice on where they send their kids to school, wiping out Common Core and other curricula forced on schools and increasing opportunities for technical training rather than focusing solely on sending more kids to four-year degree programs. Arkansas is one of the worst ranking states (49th actually) in education, and he rightly wants to make changes to improve on that. He has lots to say on the subject.

His tax reform policies are somewhere in between Ross's and Hutchinson's proposals. His graphs show by 2016 changes reflecting a simultaneous shift of earners over $50k paying 6.82% (a slightly higher cut than Ross, a lower cut than Hutchinson for this bracket), and the average family making $40k a year would be taxed at 5.85% (higher tax rate than Ross, lower than Hutchinson). By the end of his estimated roll-out plan, though, by 2023, families making over $50k would end up at a 5.53% income tax and those earning $40k - our current "average" (he doesn't say if this incorporates inflation) - would pay only 4.66%.

He talks extensively about his taxation plans, including sales tax reform. He has plans for significantly reducing taxes on small businesses, creating "tax-free enterprise zones", limiting the involvement of government in businesses, and reaching the ultimate goal of increasing the median household income by 32% and decreasing the number of households in poverty by 20%. I don't know how he's going to do it all, but it's ambitious and praiseworthy.

His website is silent on the subject of health care.


****

Those are your gubernatorial candidates in the upcoming primary elections. Once again, I'll reiterate that I tried to stick strictly to their individual websites for information. If a candidate strikes you as worthy of more research, please go learn more. If one is speaking in a town near you, go listen to them. And once you've decided who you'd like to stand behind, go vote!! Early voting is open now, and the official Election Day is May 20th.

And once we have our two official candidates for Governor, spend some time getting to "know" them better in time for the final election!

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

Survivor Guilt


I've been putting off posting about this, because I don't know what I can say to do it justice. But it's so heavily on my mind, I can't just not say something about it at all.


Found in the wreckage.
A week ago yesterday, a terrible storm crossed Arkansas culminating in tornadoes that touched down in several surrounding areas and leveled a neighboring town (as well as a few others). The same storm system also created tornadoes in a couple of the surrounding states.

It's been a long time since I've lived through a tornado warning. In high school, I remember a tornado warning being issued during a rehearsal for our school's spring musical. We all had to line up along a wall within the auditorium with textbooks over our heads. Our parents weren't allowed to come pick us up until after the tornado passed because the school was on lockdown. For the parents, it must've been terrifying. For us teenagers, it was just a thrill. Nothing bad happened nearby that I remember.

In college, I saw a tornado for the first and only time. I was staying at my then boyfriend's house in Searcy, AR, and the whole family plus me was crouching in the hallway. His dad kept going outside to look. I worked up the courage to go look too and in the far distance I saw the funnel cloud reaching from the distant black sky to the horizon. It was terrifying and breath-taking.

But last week was the first time I ever experienced the actual reality of a tornado.

I woke up early that morning to a thunderstorm. The night before, we'd left our canopy out in the back yard, so I quickly woke Scott and said we needed to get it down before it filled with rain. In our pajamas, we ran outside and clumsily fumbled with metal poles while lightning forked through the sky and thunder roared. It was a little frightening.

The forecast predicted tornadoes. I'm not a panicker in these kinds of situations, so I wasn't really all that unhinged. A bit freaked out, yes, but that was it. We spent the day inside, as thunderstorms came and went. It wasn't until late afternoon that I began to sense the seriousness of the coming storm.

An enormous black cloud was approaching outside. I tried to film it with my camera, but my camera's settings kept trying to compensate for the blackness by increasing its light balance. (Apologies for the lack of correct photography lingo.) It was mostly silent outside, and a little greenish, two indicators that this was tornado weather. Never had I seen a cloud like it. It covered the whole sky from my view outside my back door. On one edge, Scott noticed clouds swirling down and back up into the greater cloud. He called me to come look. Little wispy clouds were being sucked up into the black cloud in circular motion. I'd never seen anything like it.

This cloud looks dreary and grey in this picture;
in reality, it was almost completely black.

I started watching the storm chasers online. We don't have access to TV stations, so I couldn't watch the news. Facebook too was popping up with lots of weather updates from friends, including some 'how to stay safe in a tornado' posts. I'd never considered half the things people were suggesting - food for 72 hours, bike helmets, shoes in case you had to walk through rubble. I felt a little paranoid doing it, but I went ahead and cleared out Jaguar's closet, which is the innermost room in our home, with no outside-adjoining walls. I gathered together our personal documents, some water, our shoes and the kids' bike helmets. We put the kids to bed, thinking we'd scoop them up and bring them into the closet lined with pillows should the sirens go off.

I watched the coverage by professional storm chasers until midnight, when the storms had officially passed out of our area. I knew the storms had severely hit Vilonia, a town 18 miles north of us, and Mayflower and Maumelle, about 20 miles west. But I didn't know the full extent of it until the next morning.

Vilonia (and Mayflower) had been destroyed. Over a hundred people had been injured and at that point at least 5 dead. The total rose to 12 (then 15) as the day progressed. Around 40 people were still unaccounted for. Emergency staff were the only ones allowed in the disaster areas and no lay volunteers were being allowed to help at that time.

Someone's home.

Someone's truck.




I don't know what it was about this particular storm that hit me so hard. Was it the proximity? Was it seeing the start of myself, knowing that very cloud and those swirling cycles were the beginning of the tornado that devastated a town so close to us, that could have hit us if we'd just been a little less fortunate?

I still don't know what made it touch me so deeply, but it did. My neighbor and friend is friends with a few of the families who lost everything, and one who lost the family's father/husband. Another friend of mine lost a co-worker. Another friend of a friend lost her two young sons. The stories kept coming in, and they all were far too close to me in some way or another to ignore.

What does one do when they hear these things? What can one do?

All over Facebook people were saying to pray for Arkansas. In the face of such tangible devastation and need, not even to mention grief, the concept of just praying infuriated me. We were already being told of the many, many things that would be needed - supplies, clothes, first aid kits, money. I understood that people believed praying would do something (comfort the victims, I guess), but there were so many things we could actually DO besides pray.

This perhaps is what hit me the hardest.

For all my life, with a few exceptions, when horrible things happened, my response had always been 'pray'. And after praying, I felt I'd left it all in God's hands and he could go on to deal with it for me. After all, what was I able to do? But now, there I was, realizing that prayer is just a practice that helps the person praying feel better, makes them feel like they've done something useful, in times when they are otherwise helpless. I understood the urge to pray - I felt helpless too - but I also realized that praying was the lazy way out. I needed to DO something that actually might make a difference, however small.

It almost felt like I had a life time of doing nothing to make up for.

There wasn't a lot I could actually do; I knew that. I donated what I could and volunteered one day in the tornado-ruined neighborhood when I had childcare. It wasn't much at all, and I still felt the huge weight of how much there was needing done and how little I could do. I still feel that weight, and I still feel that helplessness. We might be able to get on with our lives a week later, but those whose homes were leveled to the ground and those who lost loved ones will never be able to go on exactly as they had before. For the rest of their lives, those who lost their homes and belongings will remember irreplaceable things they lost, and those who lost members of their families will never forget the agony and pain that will remain with them in waves of rawness their entire lives. I wish there were more I could do to reach those needs. Instead, all I can do is just meet practical needs where I possibly can and hope it means something to someone.

I understand through all of this the desire to pray. And having been a Christian for my whole life, I understand the theology behind praying. But as a non-believer now, I just see the irrationality of it and how futile it is. It makes us feel better to pray, it really does, but that's all it does. I've spent plenty of time in prayer - not enough time in action. I just can't sit back and do nothing anymore.

I know that one day, probably soon, I'll realize there is nothing more I can do. I know that I'll live with 'survivor guilt' for being able to move on with my life while knowing many of them haven't even begun to imagine what moving on would even look like. I know that I'll be better prepared for the next storm, with fully equipped 72 hour bags, and I won't wait to get the kids in our designated shelter, now that I recognize how quickly tornadoes can hit - too fast to scoop kids up out of bed and get their shoes on them and get them into a closet. I've learned a lot from this storm about the realities of tornadoes. But I've also learned a lot about the reality of myself. I've spent a lot of time doing nothing when I could have been searching for ways to do at least a little tiny something.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Throwback Thursday


In high school, my friends and I started a book. A part of the story would be written by someone and then left hanging at a crucial moment and passed to someone else to continue. The end result was a mixture of all of our individual narcissisms, ideologies, insecurities, obsessions with the sex we weren't actually having, passive aggressions, and opinions of each other, and very interestingly interspersed with the influence of all the literature we were reading in AP English. This book begins with:

"Once upon a time in the Land of Flowing Waters, lived a small community of students, dwelling together in a cottage. Life was grand to these people... Centuries later, we come to today. The community consisted of all punk teenagers."

And it ends with almost Hawthornian ambiguity:

"The club was a success until the monster Grendal..."

In between those pages were witch burnings, heists, multiple partner-swapping, betrayal, lies, poisonings, giant killer chickens and murder. Every once in a while, there were brief moments of happiness. This book is a classic waiting to be published.

I once tried to type it up (which I may try again when I get it back from Scotland... or did I bring it with me? Must check my stack of papers and folders I brought with me), but it made no sense if you couldn't see where one writer finished and another picked up. One day, I'll type it up, using some kind of formula to indicate who wrote what. I still recognize half my friends' handwriting!

(By the way, this is the first time I've ever done a Throwback Thursday. I think it's kind of lame. But it might be kind of fun too. Maybe I should also bring back the Friday Fifive.)

(It also gives me an easy excuse to blog on Thursdays.)

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Easter Eggstravaganza

For our first Easter back in the States, we did surprisingly few corporate Easter eggs hunts. Count zero. (Well, the kids went to one with our new neighbor Amy and her family.) There are Easter egg hunts everywhere around here, at churchs, schools, parks, you name it. We kind of failed in that department. But we still managed to have eggstra special egg fun.

Early in the week, the kids (and my neighbor's boy) dyed boiled eggs. I've always wanted to try the all-natural, use-spices-instead-of-dye alternatives, but each year, Easter rolls around too soon and I end up buying some dye (or using food coloring) last minute purchased at the Pound shops/Dollar stores. This year was no different. Crunchy mum fail as per usual.





Luckily all of us love boiled eggs, so they aren't a wasted effort. (Fifi's going to be taking colorful boiled eggs to lunch for the rest of the week.)

On Easter morning, I made chocolate gravy and biscuits for breakfast. After recovering from overloaded tummies, I hid the plastic eggs in the yard and let the kids hunt them. They had a lot of fun.






Egg Hunt from superlori on Vimeo.


Then we took our boiled eggs and rolled them down the 'hill', aka our ever-so-slightly inclined driveway.

Egg Rolling from superlori on Vimeo.


Next we took the kids to the zoo. By the time we actually got out the door, we realized it was 12:30 and we hadn't done lunch, being so full from breakfast. We were going to just grab happy meals, until we got the brilliant idea to stuff ourselves silly for the second time that day at Western Sizzlin'. I haven't been there in who knows how long (decades, perhaps), and the kids LOVED it. (Who am I kidding? So did the adults.)

With stomachs overfull, we then hit the zoo. I'm so glad we got zoo memberships. We have certainly gotten use out of them. The kids are still excited about seeing their favourite animals, and there is no pressure to spend all day there seeing everything, since we can always come back again another day.




We spent as much time as possible at the zoo before heading back home to my mom's house for Easter dinner. We swung by the house to grab our contribution of colorful deviled eggs and a potato salad.


At Mom's the kids had another egg hunt and played with all the cousins, aunts and uncles. We enjoyed delicious barbecue and tons more food and desserts, and I literally felt (and probably looked) like a giant whale. It was all seriously tasty though - everything, the whole day's food. I love holidays. I love food.




(My three Arkansas nieces ^.)




We left Mom's late and put the kids to bed. What a eggsellent holiday.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The 1500th Post!

Wow, this post -- yes, this one right here -- is my 1,500th post on this blog!

I have apparently thought something about my mundane life was worth sharing with the universe exactly 1499 other times. And I do so again today.

This post feels kind of momentous; it feels like I should honor it with something special, something more than just "I had Fruit Loops for breakfast; well, actually they weren't Fruit Loops, they were Fruity Hoops, because I buy the store brands."

What I've decided on is a spin off from the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen (in the past three days), the question "Will Googling Google break the internet?" and it was asked like a real question. The short answer - No. The long answer - No, that is stupid. Anyway, so spinning off from that, I'm posting

Will blogging about blogging break the internet?

I'm going to answer the question that is on SO MANY OF YOUR MINDS (I know this because I'm magic) -- Why do I blog?

I've been blogging for ten years now. I've obviously felt for ten years that what I have to say is worth not only journaling, but publicly journaling, and that someone somewhere might possibly find my thoughts amusing or useful. Whether I wrote a blog to keep my family updated on my life abroad, or whether I was directing my writings as others with the same interests as me at varying times (motherhood, marriage, theology, sewing), I was always writing with the expectation that it was going to be read by someone.

For some reason, I still clicked publish, knowing someone was going to read my innermost thoughts.

Why do I blog?

I blog, I think, for four reasons:

1. I need to write in order to work out my own feelings. I often can't categorize or rationalize my thoughts without putting them to paper. Sometimes it's as simple as writing out a grocery list so I can remember what to buy; sometimes it's figuring out what I believe about spirituality, religion, or atheism. The act of writing helps me frame and outline my thoughts, and then if necessary, to expound upon each idea. I feel confused and disoriented if I haven't written anything (even a blog post) in a while. I need it.

2. I need to feel like I'm not alone. This is why I don't simply write out my thoughts in a private journal. Maybe in selfish way, I need them validated. I need to know that I'm not the only one who thinks like this, or who struggles like this. I write so that I know I'm not alone. If I am brave enough to put my thoughts and feelings out there, I might be rewarded with a connection to someone else I'd have otherwise not known was like me in whatever way. This is also why I read.

3. I want others to know they are not alone. After I've worked through the ideas or emotions that have been swimming around in my brain, I want to share what I've come up with with others. I want to have done the hard work for someone who is thinking amorphously about the same things but hasn't been able to solidify it herself. I want to give a voice to someone who hasn't been able to verbalize it himself. I want those who have been holding secrets in their hearts to know there is someone else out there with the same secrets. It takes a lot of courage sometimes, and there are still things I haven't yet the courage to say. But you are not alone; I am not alone. This is something that matters to me.

4. I enjoy it! That's it. I just really love writing. Whether it's a poem, a short story, a novel or just a simple quick blog post, I love writing. And I love others to read my writing. It's admittedly a completely narcissistic thing to do, writing for public consumption, yet I can't lie and say it doesn't excite me. Seeing my page views on a popular post thrills me. Comments thrill me too. I write, because it's fun and, oh what the hell, I love attention. No sense in lying, especially when every other blogger reading this will have to admit to some degree of loving it too! It's not the same kind of attention I craved in school when I wanted to be popular, though. It's more like desiring respect, a little nod, some credibility, and a group of faithful readers who consistently come back to read my lackluster words each time I publish. It's a great feeling!



So on this most momentous of blog posts, I give you the answer to life's most pressing question: Will blogging about blogging break the internet?

The answer is still no.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Scottish (and/or British) Words I Hope I'll Always Keep Using

There were a few American words I continued to use when I moved to Scotland, like "ya'll", "elevator" and "sidewalk". However, there are a lot of British words I still use, and to be honest, I hope I always use, at least around the house with Scott and the kids.

- petrol (gasoline)
- nappies (diapers)
- trolley (shopping cart)
- queue (line up)
- pram (baby buggy)
- chips (fries)
- crisps (chips)
- mobile (cell phone)
- cinema (movies)
- biscuit (cookie, cracker)
- bin (trash can)
- boot (trunk)
- hoover (vacuum)
- creche (nursery)
[Edited to add:] - pants (underwear) and trousers (pants). I just can't call trousers "pants" anymore without giggling like a school girl!


And I still insist my kids call me "mummy" instead of "mom" or "mommy".

There are also those incomparable uniquely Scottish words that I hope we never lose.

- numpty
- eejit
- drookit
- besom
- glaikit
- crabbit
- dour
- dreich
- tumshie
- blether
- aye

I'm sure there are others. There are some phrases I still like to use too and want to keep.

- At the end of the day (like saying, "when it's all said and done")
- It's all six and one half. (Six and half a dozen = It's all the same, one way or the other)
- It would be rude not to!
- As you do (Example: "I was walking down the street, as you do..." but more often used ironically, when it's not something you typically do. "So I was trying to trap this fox... as you do..."
- bits and bobs

And there's a few Gaelic phrases we still use. Fifi still likes to say her Gaelic grace before meals, and we still like to say:

- Mar sin leibh
- Tha gaol agam ort
- Madainn mhath

Fifinally, I still like our little Cockney rhyming slangs. I caught myself saying yesterday at soccer "I haven't had that in donkeys!" Makes total sense to me.

- donkey's (donkey's ears = years)
- [Haven't got a] Scooby (Scooby Doo = clue)
- [A cuppa] Rosie (Rosie Lee = tea. More of a father-in-law thing to say, but I use it from time to time.)
- On your Todd (Todd Sloan = alone)
- [Telling a] porky (porky pie = lie)

Scott says he's already finding himself switching over to American words, probably much the same way I switched over to British words quickly so as not to stand out like a sore thumb. (He still uses them around the house a lot, though, and he definitely gets more Scottish again when he's angry or agitated!) I, on the other hand, love the words I picked up in Scotland and don't want to lose them now. It's a decade of my life that I don't want to lose all traces of. I also like the idea of my kids growing up with their Scottish daddy (and non-Scottish mummy) using these phrases.

What are your favo(u)rite Scottishisms (or Britishisms)?

Monday, April 07, 2014

Keeping Busy, With This and That

For someone who has taken a back seat to getting involved in too many things - and I've taken, like, the very back seat of the megabus here - I've managed to still get myself very busy lately. However, this time I'm doing things I love, not things that I'm obligated to do, and oh, man that kind of makes me sound like a spoiled, pampered upper class housewife, so let me start over...

Last year's theme was Simplicity. This year's themes are Satisfaction and Motivation. I started 'theming' my years last year with my annual 40 Questions. Simplicity was the year I really needed to streamline my life - in both material possessions and in activities. I had gotten myself involved in far too much, which meant I couldn't actually give any one thing enough care and attention to do it properly. It also meant I was away from home so much, I felt I couldn't keep housework under control or spend enough time with my kids and husband. It was the year we moved from Scotland to the US, so I really had no choice but to simplify my commitments and my belongings.

In doing all that, and then moving across the pond, I realized I had simplified so much that I owned practically nothing, which I perceived as a bad thing, and moving to a new place meant I had very few friends and no activities to get involved with. Thus Satisfaction (and subsequently Motivation) were introduced as my 2014 themes. Can I be satisfied with what I have? Can I be satisfied with this new laid-back - super laid-back - lifestyle, with not being involved in anything? The answer seemed to be that I needed to learn what I can or can't live without and to be satisfied with that. And as for not having friends or things to do, that was going to require a little motivation on my part to achieve.

And in all honesty, I've not done well on either of those challenges.

We have accumulated a lot of stuff that we don't need and don't satisfy me to have. I still haven't been very motivated to get outside my comfort zone and get involved with anything or anyone. It's still very depressing for me. I know I don't want to live here in Arkansas long term, and that's keeping me from making the effort to make close friends or get involved with anything. It's pretty much entirely my own fault that I have very little life outside my home right now.

Soooooo, having laid all that out there, what I meant to say was, for someone who is no longer childminding full time, teaching baby signing, running an online shop, volunteering on committees, rehearsing for musicals, leading worship at church, studying Gaelic, and juggling kids' ballet, football, drama and tennis schedules, I've been a pretty busy lady lately. Mostly from home. And what I'm finding is, it's kind of satisfying. For now at least.

Working
I have my one business. Just one. It isn't extremely busy, it doesn't take very much planning, and the actual work involved is fun and energizing. Having my own Pampered Chef business has been perfect. It gets me out of the house to parties (I love that my job is all about partying), makes us a little extra money and gives me something to be excited about. It does require me to work at getting parties lined up, which is the hard part, but everything else about it is really easy and fun. My goal is six parties a month, though lately it's been only two to four, but those parties, plus holding booths at vendors' events, keeps me fairly busy.



I get to make and eat things like this for money!

Reading
I've joined a book club. Two, actually, though I've only been to one meeting of either... However, I have actually bought and am reading the book for Book Club #2 (which is named "Velociraptors in an Opium Den" which I guess I'll understand the context of some day) and have the next meeting on my calendar... I intend to go, having read the entire book, and I'll even bring some food. That's involvement, people! That's a pretty big step for me at this pathetic stage of my life. We are reading An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England by Brock Clarke; I'm halfway through. It's good to have a book in my hands again. We sold/gave away almost all of our books when we moved. Not having a bookshelf in my new house makes me feel uneducated, nonintellectual, and dare I say it, unsatisfied. I have a series of books on my 'to read' list and in my Amazon cart, for after pay day. Next two books on the purchase list: Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why by Bart D. Ehrman and The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream and Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama. As a Christian, I was always reading theology. It appears that now as a post-Christian, I still like the same genre! Politics, however, are my new interest. Religion and politics. The two things you should never talk about in polite company.



It was this book that got me interested in Obama's autobiographies...

Sidebar: You may wonder why I want to purchase books instead of check them out of the library or read them on a Kindle. Three reasons:
1) I want to build back up a collection of books. I re-read books all the time and love having them at my fingertips. I have books I re-read practically once a year. I don't want to go back to the library to check out a book multiple times. I also love having my own home library which leads me to...
2) I already said I feel uneducated, nonintellectual and unsatisfied with no books in my house. I want my kids to grow up surrounded by books. I want them to have books they can pull off the shelf at any time if they look interesting to them. I grew up surrounded by books - theology, biographies, fiction, encyclopedias - and I want my kids to do the same. Scott is also a reader - he's into early sci-fi - and together, we had a pretty fantastic library until we - sob, hiccup - had to part with them all. Damn, I miss my books.



All my books fit in this one shelf. Waaaah!

Oh yeah, and 3) I hate e-readers. I like real live books with paper pages.

Writing
I'm writing a book. I'm not ready yet to talk about what I'm writing or let anyone read it, but it does fill my time, and it's something I've always wanted - nay, needed - to do. I've been writing since I was old enough to print. I've been writing stories as far back as I can remember. I wrote a book in fifth grade titled Boys R Poo and if only I could get my hands on that incredible piece of literature... I'm sure I'd cry with horror over how embarrassing it is. I graduated college with a degree in English, with an emphasis in Creative Writing. I've written a book of poetry and self-published it as an eBook (which by all means, go buy. Right now.) But a book, writing an actual book, has always been on my bucket list. It's getting to the awful stage right now, the 'this is so not f***ing worth it, why am I wasting my time?, oh this is going to be terrible, I have to finish it though, I've come so far, but oh no one is ever going to want to read this drivel!' stage. Which, since I've never written a whole book before, may or may not be something like transition in childbirth. I don't know.




My e-book had to count as satisfying the 'before 30' part.


Sewing
Now that I have my new sewing machine, the thing I missed most after my books, I've started making stuff again. It's hard to find the time sometimes, but when I do get a few scraps of free time, I've been on my machine. I made another Jaguarator and I've started making taggie blankets. I'm even considering making some taggies to sell. Ohhhh I can see myself slipping into that second home business trap again, but I can guarantee it won't become an online shop! I also want to make some new clothes. I've got a couple of peasant skirts I want to make myself in time for summer (if summer ever comes to this god-forsaken cold town - this cold weather is NOT what I signed up for when we moved back to the South) and some dresses for the girls. I love having a sewing machine again!



Because babies love chewing on the tags.

Mummying
Not to be confused with the practice of wrapping dead bodies in cloths and embalming oils, though at times I feel like a dead person being kept preserved by another person's will, mummying keeps me fairly busy. Lolly starts kindergarten in only four and a half months, but until then, she and Jaguar keep me going full steam most days.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Having her home with me again after a year and a half of her being in nursery (pre-school) has been tough, but it's been amazing for our relationship. She's a tough cookie to get to close to. This year has been really special for us, as a mummy and daughter. The child I thought I'd never understand, the child who kept me at a slight emotional distance, even as a toddler, has welcomed me into her inner lair and shared her little soul with me this year. We have become best friends through this unexpected year off. She drives me insane, and some days I'm pretty sure drugs wouldn't be such a terrible thing to get into after all, but it's worth it. Like taking her to her homeschool group's Box Car Derby this morning. She painted and decorated her own car, which I'm not going to lie, was one of those 'Anyone got any heroin?' experiences, but at the derby, she was so proud of her beautiful car and so excited to be in a race.



She told me, 'Mummy, I promise you I'll win.' And she did. That's my girl!

Extracurricular activities keep me mummying too. Soccer has started up again, too, so on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, I'm hitting the soccer fields again for two hours of watching Fifi then Lolly practice. Fifi is in Girl Scouts as well which is every other Thursday night. So those are my social nights, sitting on the bleachers with the other soccer moms and dads, cheering on our little tripping, bumbling wonders of biology and nature.



Selling the crap out of some cookies.



I've started calling it 'soccer' instead of 'football'. Waaaah!

Exercising
Fifinally, how could I forget? My least favourite but most rewarding hours of the week? Here's where motivation really comes into play - the gym. I try to go at least twice a week, if not three times. This is my other social outlet, though I don't really socialize very much while I'm there. I'm too out of breath to try talking. I'm still going to my fitness classes while Lolly goes to hers, and today I had a little epiphany. Or maybe it was less an epiphany but a kick up the backside. Instead of hating every moment of these classes (I just frickin' hate cardio!), I realized I needed to pace myself. Once again, a little like childbirth. If you go into a work out (or childbirth) already defeated, already ready to be miserable, then you will have a hard time getting through it. But if you pace yourself mentally, beginning with, 'Okay, I can do this, I'm feeling good, I'm working' then graduate to 'Whew, yep, I'm working all right, but I can maintain this, I can keep going' to finally, 'Right, now it's getting hard, I will keep going but this really is getting tough now', you'll get through it a lot more easily. And surprisingly, at the end of the work out today, I didn't feel like I was going to die or cry, because I'd mentally paced myself. I realized I was actually in good enough shape that if forced (and only if forced) I could keep going. Unfortunately, this is where the childbirth illustration breaks down, because in childbirth, when you hit the 'F*** this, I can't do this anymore!', well, hello, baby, is that a head I see? And you don't have the luxury of stopping any time soon, you just gotta keep working through that mess.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

The Summer Jaguarnator and Other Motivated Doings



Today was one of those rare, motivated days, where I had lots of things I wanted to do... and I actually did a fair number of them!

I usually go to the gym on Wednesday mornings, so Lolly can go to her swimming class and I go to Step Aerobics. I woke up feeling... well... not unwell but unwilling to go through the effort of a class plus drying Lolly off while trying to keep Jaguar from diving into the pool fully dressed and un-life-vested. Besides, there were a million things I wanted to accomplish, and with an afternoon doctor's appointment booked, I knew there was limited hours in my day.

So I got up and did my stuff.

I actually did it!

I cleaned. I washed and folded ALL the laundry in the house (last loads are washing and drying now). I cleaned Jaguar's room, researched new vacuum cleaners online, played outside with the kids for a little while, made lunch, and - here's the exciting part - started figuring out my new sewing machine!

My birthday present from Scott (one of them anyway) is my new sewing machine. This thing is AWESOME. It's a lot fancier than what I was planning on getting, but I'm so glad now that Scott encouraged me to choose a great one, instead of just a good one. This machine has 100 different stitches! Which I admit was a little daunting. It's electronic instead of mechanical - also daunting - with features like an automatic needle-threader and automatic button-holes.

(My other birthday present from Scott?  Two tickets to go see Les Miserables at the Little Rock Repertory Theater on Sunday!  One for me and one for... not him... but my bestie Devon!  He figured I'd have more fun seeing it with a fellow theater geek than with him.)

It arrived last week (the machine), but I didn't take it out of its box until Monday. It sat on my kitchen table all day Tuesday, daunting me. So I really wanted to get a chance to tackle it sometime soon, and I did it today.

I LOVE IT.

I started out just practicing some stitches on scrap fabric. Lolly watched and wanted me to make her something. I grabbed some scrap fabric from her flower girl dress I made last month and made her a quick little bunny. Then of course Jaguar wanted one. And when Fifi got home from school, she wanted one. Then Lolly's little neighbour buddy wanted one. I got kind of good at making quick scrap bunnies, let me tell you. I also mended an old dress, one I bought back in college from Cheap Thrills in Fayetteville, that I better be able to fit back into now that I've done all the mending I've been putting off for years.

A few weeks ago, all excited from ordering my machine, I bought some fabric for making Jaguar a new Jaguarnator for summer time. I held up two appropriate little boy fabrics and he grabbed the monkey one and cuddled it. Monkey print chosen.

Today was the first really hot evening (and by really hot, it was in the 70s). Soon, the old fleecy Jaguarnator is going to be too hot, so I decided tonight was the night. I got out my dressmaking scissors, my ruler, my notions box and got to work, designing a new, more precise, Jaguarnator.


(I wish I'd had some pattern-paper. I was mega precise this time, with measurements and everything. It would've been nice to make a pattern and never have to measure like that again.)

On my new machine, I experimented with some new stitches I've never used before. It was great fun, and the machine is so fast! I'm still learning on it, and so my finished product does have a few imperfections (everything I create does), but it's functional and cute and I can't wait to put Jaguar in it tomorrow night!

(I also learned a little about fitting zippers. I still need to learn about turning under curved edges without bumffling up the hem...)

The only thing I didn't do today was read more of my book for book club, An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England. I'm loving it!


(Wow, I need to update my Shelfari shelf...)

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Tattoo Trio, aka Happy Birthday To Me

Away back in November, I asked my readers for blog topics, which believe it or not, I'm still working my way through. Joy gave me the topic "tattoos", and today is the day, because it's my 32nd birthday, and while 32 is an unexciting age, I'm going to commemorate my first birthday back in the States with a new tattoo.

I got my first tat when I was 20 and in college. At the time, I was taking Arabic classes, and though I never felt like I was really getting it, I loved it and was doing pretty well with it. The script is beautiful, and I spent a lot of time practicing my handwriting. I knew that if I were ever to get a tattoo, it had to be something that meant something to me and would always mean something to me. After a lot of deliberation, I chose the word "faith", for the reason that I may not always have love or hope, but I'd always have my faith.

There was an Arabic calligraphist on the U of A staff. I asked him to create a calligraphy design for me for the word iman. He gave me a nice design, but it was a classic calligraphy design, not quite what I had in mind, and it wasn't very tattoo-able. I then discovered a contemporary calligraphist online, Nihad Dukhan, and contacted him. For a pretty little sum I now can't remember (well over $100), he designed me a beautiful iman, which I loved enough to have tattooed on my right foot.

(Why did I not just get the word as it is in Arabic if I loved the script so much? It felt too plain and a little too trendy. It is beautiful when written out... إيمان ... read it from right to left... but I wanted something more artistic.)

A few years later, I was living in Scotland and was ready for a second tattoo. I already had faith, so the idea struck me to go with a trio - "faith, hope and love" - the "greatest of the spiritual gifts". On Nihad Dukhan's website, there was already a design for hope, so rather than have him design a special one for me, I just used that image. I loved it anyway. I had it placed on the middle of my upper back, between my shoulder blades. Hope in Arabic, by the way, is pronounced amal and looks like this: أمل

By the way, did I mention that both my foot and my spine are incredibly bony places for tattoos, and I don't like pain? Yeah, the actual act of getting inked is not my favourite part.

For many years, I've been itching to get that last tattoo - love - but it's never worked out. I've never been really sure where I'd like to have it. My left tricep has always been my go-to place, but for various reasons, I've never quite committed to it. I've also considered my right wrist and my right side under the ribs. I even briefly considered my right foot but just didn't want my tattoos to be that symmetrical.

So here I am years later... eight years, possibly. Sadly, my original trio just isn't what it once was. Incredulously, I did lose my faith, something I thought could never happen. In a way, it seems odd that I want to finish the trio - maybe that's the Type A side of my personality? But also, it still seems fitting. While my faith is not what it was, nor is my hope, love still abounds. (Cheesy.) Love still conquers all. (Just going with the cheesy.) I have faith and hope already tattooed on me, there's no going back, and I'd never want to go back. Both of those things are huge parts of my life, and they made me who I am today. I don't regret either tattoo; I still love them dearly. Now, however, is the perfect time for getting love, or al-hib, or الحب 

The three greatest gifts are faith, hope and love. Love is meant here in the brotherly sense, the universal sense, the love for one's neighbor and all mankind. It is also the greatest of all the three gifts. Nothing as of yet has broken or destroyed my love for other people.

(That's not to say I'm great at it all the time.)

One other thing I love about the trio, is that they all represent the different segments, or if it were a book, volumes, of my life.  The first tattoo was from My Life Part 1 - Raised in Arkansas.  The second tattoo was from Part 2 - The Scottish Years.  This third one will be Part 3 - Return of the McFarlanes.  (If I make another major move again, I guess I'll just need to get a fourth one... I do have my eye on "peace"!)

So on my 32nd birthday I once again return to Mr Dukhan's site for my tattoo. I love this design as much as the others... and again, I'm happy I don't have to pay for a custom drawing! I just need to decide where... my wrist or my tricep.  I hope to get it done this month.  I'm pretty excited!!