I'd like to make an addendum to my last post, about make out dreams.

Stephanie's made out with Ewan McGregor. How freaking unfair is that?

Make-out dreams.

So what part of my brain is it that decides who I make out with? and why does it pick those people? Why can't I make out with Eddie Furlong or Travis Morrison? And furthermore, what's with the mental pictures and emotions that stick with you all day after?

Don't get me wrong. I love the guy I made out with last night. We're great friends. But seriously, make-out?? That is the farthest thing from my mind. Why don't I ever get to make-out with the guys that I really like in my dreams? It's like my brain is mocking me. "Haha! So-and-so would never make out with you, not even in your dreams! But here- this guy will make out with you- in your dreams at least!!" It's the ultimate low. And its humiliating, going a whole day thinking so-and-so the dream-kisser is actually kinda cute...

Whatever. As Eleni Mandell once said "Action is action, don't you wanna get some?" I guess some action is better than no action.

a poem:
alpenglow is the most beautiful word

fuzzy wuzzy was a bare
stare on your alpenglow hair
never did I ever dream I’d scheme you
into dreaming of me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, mark your calendars for next year-- June 6 is now officially "Best Bath and Beer" day (or if you don't drink, or are pregnant or nursing, make it "Best Bath and Beverage" day.) Its the day of the year where you plan the best bath ever and you enjoy yourself and you drink a beer in the bathtub. It doesn't matter how stressed out you are, its the Best Bath holiday.

This weekend has been surprisingly nice. I have trouble enjoying being alone sometimes. I get lonely and bored. But I really wanted to enjoy this alone time. So yesterday I had the best bath ever (lemongrass bubblebath!) and I drank a Hornsby Hard Cidar and ate a banana. It was fantastic. Then I watched Spinal Tap which I've been wanting to watch for a long time. This morning I went book shopping and bought two books of poetry, Miller Williams and WB Yeats. I spent some time reading this morning then I rented two movies that I've been wanting to see but none of my friends would ever rent with me. So far thats where I am right now, watching the Festival of Cannes.

Treat yourself sometime. It feels good.

Reasons I should never eat Nutella alone:
1. It makes me feel like a fatty.
2. It makes me lonely
3. It reminds me of the Dallas Rudds whom I miss intensely.

Reasons I should eat Starburst at work:
1. They are chewy. Helps the stress.
2. They are fruity, thus not making me feel like such a fatty.
3. They are each individually wrapped, lessening the temptation to eat them all or they'll go bad.
4. The pretty colors brighten my day.
5. They make me feel like a kid again. Good for when I spend all day doing grown-up computery things.

Reasons I should stop making lists and go back to work:
1. I have a lot of work to do.
2. I'm having a problem with my email/database system and need to work it out.
3. People campus wide are waiting on me. (inactively anyway)


I'm smiling today. It's a good day. It's going to be a good weekend. You all look beautiful. Don't change a thing. That outfit goes great with your hair.

Having a good day? Don't go here.

For me, one of the most nerve-wracking and anxiety-filled experiences is bursts of inspiration. I know. What's up with that? Lately I've been having these incredible moments of creativity and inspiration- and it scares the crap outta me! I've felt artistic. I've been writing poems. I've had ideas. And I've been acting on them. But I get this feeling of guilt that I'm wasting these precious moments by not doing enough. I have a job. I'm at the office for nine hours out of my fiveteen awake ones a day. I should be writing volumes! I should be painting! I should be building furniture! Its easier when I have no imagination because then I can blame my idleness on "writers block."

Not that I'm being idle by any means. I'm loving it. I am writing. I'm thinking, I'm reading, I'm creating. This is what I love to do. But with dishes to wash, deadlines to meet, and weekly engagements to attend, I can't spend all my time inventing. Does this make any sense? Basically what I'm saying is I feel guilty when I'm inspired because I can't dedicate my whole life to it. That's what I'm saying.

Yesterday I made a birthday card with a birthday poem. That made me feel good.
This week I've written three poems that I kinda like.
I'm updating my poetry website.

I wish people actually read my blog.

Top Three People Who Have Inspired Me This Week: (2 of whom I do not know, 3 of whom do not know me.)
Alex the girl
Keri Smith
Tony Tost
Follow these links to read/see some great things.

I made a Mikhail Gorbechev Power Point last summer for my western civ class. Since then I haven't been able to find the disk. But today, I brought my disk of poems to work to email to someone and it was on there! I haven't been able to find it because my computer at home doesn't have power point. (Its old.) So i just watched my presentation. Gorbechev was a great man. GREAT man. I'd like to shake his hand. I wish i knew how to do cool things like put power points up on my website. Anyway, don't believe Gorbechev was just some Communist who needed to be overthrown so Russia could become a capitalist nation. It's just not that way.


“The country received freedom, was liberated politically and spiritually, and that’s the most important achievement.” -Gorbachev’s resignation speech 1991
“He has decided that he would risk his power in order to save his reforms, rather than risk his reforms to save his power.”-Richard Nixon of Gorbachev

Sometimes I pass the time taking those aggravatingly stupid quizzes and I usually end up pissed off by how annoying they are. But this one-- this is really funny!!



Funny Asian Man


What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla

I haven't made a "real" post in a while.

It's frustrating to me how conditional my faith in God is. When things are going good, when I'm feeling close to him, I trust him with all my heart. I know he's there, I can feel his presence, I see evidence of him working all around me. But the moment that starts to fade, my faith is gone. I think God's been trying to show me some stuff about my lack of faith. He's been showing me himself in the tiniest things, but he's doing it... testingly? deliberately? I don't know what the word is. But for instance, yesterday I needed to catch one of my professors before he went to teach a class. I went to his office on my lunch break about 15 minutes before his class would start. I prayed that he'd be there, bc I needed to catch him. See I have this thing with prayer. I think that if I "believe" that the prayer will be answered then it will. So I conjured up this assurance that Dr. Heffernan would be in his office. I got there, the door was shut. Immediately, I thought "Maybe there is no God." Stupidity! So I walk back towards my office, but turn around and try again. "God, PLEASE let him be there when I get there." I go to his door, it is shut. "Dammit!" I start walking back out the building and bam! There he is. I felt like such a jerk. So its in those kind of things that God's been trying to teach me to trust in him. Just because he doesn't answer right away doesn't mean he doesn't exist! Or even if he doesn't answer at all. Another for instance, a few posts down I talked about a document that was missing from my desk. I prayed and prayed that I would find it because it was really important. Well, I still have not found it and its been several days. Does that mean there is no God?? No. What a stupid basis for such an unfounded idea.

Yet it gets deeper. In less than a month I am flying overseas to minister to drug addicts on the streets of Newport. Where is my faith in that? I've never led anyone to Christ. Does that mean that I am useless? Does that mean God doesn't use me? And more so, can/will God really choose to save these people from there addictions? I feel like Peter at his worst. I've seen God do miraculous things in my life and the lives of others. Like John in prison, sending friends to go ask Jesus if he really is the one. And Jesus says "You've seen all these things, healings, casting out demons, etc. Now go tell John what you've seen and heard, and then ask him if he really doesn't know the answer." I'd like to think that Satan is just really attacking my faith to render me unusable in Wales. But maybe we give Satan too much credit in order to save ourselves from blame. So if Satan is attacking me, does that mean it's not my fault that I'm succombing to his attacks? Perhaps I should be taking more responsibility for my own faithlessness and repent at the throne of God.

God, help me to believe and forgive my unbelief! For without faith it is impossible to please you.

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them." -John Aughey

This weekend was great.
Let me just say that the D-Plan puts on the best show I've ever in my life seen. This show Friday was by far the most fun show I've ever been to. I've been to some really good shows, but definitely this one takes the cake. I had an amazing time. After the show I went to an afterparty at Clunk's and it was pretty fun too. I'm surprised I stayed as long as I did- I was out til 6 in the morning! Then Saturday was the Sharkie show, haha, it was fun too. And yesterday I basically slept. Went to church, worked in the toddler nursery then after church did some laundry and housekeeping, lincoln came over and I bored him for a few hours and then i went to bed at about 6 in the evening. Woke up this morning and went to work.

I've been having these weird dreams lately. Almost every morning I wake up with the sensation that I dreamt about highly technological advances. I keep dreaming about upgrades and systems, they're total Matrix dreams. Dreams that people are upgrading the systems we live in, the systems we use daily, its weird. I don't know why. I haven't been watching or thinking about the Matrix. I haven't been watching any movies/tv that deal with technology, i'm not even reading about it. In fact, I'm reading a book about a completely technologically backwards city that has nothing to do with upgrades or systems. (Just daggerotypes and pianolas.) Its weird. But it happens every night.

Either that or I dream that Speedy gets out of his tank and runs away from me. Am I having intimacy issues?

Its June 2nd. It's practically Christmas. Where does all the time go and how do I get it back?