Friday, September 13, 2013

Christians: How To Turn Away Seekers In Eight Easy Steps!

Okay, so this totally deserves a preface. This was written during a pretty dark time in my life not too long ago. It's been sitting in my unpublished folder for some time now. I wanted to wait until the right time to post it, when I knew I wasn't doing it out of malice or bitterness. I'm posting it now though, because, all snark aside, it's totally true.

Christians: How To Turn Away Seekers In Eight Easy Steps!

8. Keep digging in your heels.
Never change your stance or concede a point. No matter how good the counter-argument, never give an inch, never accept the other side's view as possibly valid. You wouldn't want to appear shifty, now would you?

7. Ignore reason.
Repeat after me: Reason is the opposite of faith. Faith and logic are not to be reconciled! If you try to reconcile, say, science, with faith, you obviously don't have real faith. They are mutually exclusive.

6. Try to be relevant.
If you don't have to try to be relevant, you aren't trying hard enough! Relevance doesn't come naturally.

5. Judge lest you be judged first.
Keep a steady lookout for people who are bigger sinners than you, and judge harshly! That way, should someone notice you are a sinner too, you can distract them with how much sinnier the sinfuller guy is.

4. Talk the talk.
Every good group has it's special inside words and phrases, and having your own special language helps define you as an exclusive group. The more exclusive the language, the less anyone knows what you're talking about. Clanging cymbals and resounding gongs. (You know what I'm talking about.)

3. Always have an answer.
And may that answer never be 'I don't know'! To admit you aren't sure about something regarding your faith is a sign of weakness. So even if you don't know the answer, make up one, and make it sound good. But never - I repeat never - admit to not knowing.

2. Cushion all conversation in spiritual terms.
Whether discussing football, family life or even the weather, keep it Christian. Phrases like Lord willing, Praise the Lord!, Amen, brother, and Preach it! thrown in willy-nilly help identify your faith to the world, and make you sound seriously holy. You want everyone to know what you believe, and that you believe everything has everything to do with everything you believe.

And finally...

1. Hide your hypocrisy.
This is the toughest one but yields the highest results. By keeping your hypocrisy a secret, there's a risk no one will find out about it. But the pay-off is when it is discovered, and everyone realises you've been hiding it! It's effective enough that it's worth the risk.

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