I've realised as of late that our blog is steadily getting boringer and boringer. And we've been neglectful of the blog, and Scott doesn't even blog at all any more...
I'd like to say we've been busy, but that would be a lie.
I've been going through a lot lately, internally. I'm a very open person who needs girlfriends to talk to and share her feelings and experiences with, and since I've been very much without that for a long time, I've not surprisingly become a very closed person. Poor Scott. The woman he married is not the same woman he's married to now. But he loves me. He gives me so much support. He takes care of me and understand me and comforts me.
I've been this alternate Lori for a very long time now, or at least what feels like a very long time now. But a few weeks ago, I did some serious decision-making about my attitude and self-seclusion; I simply cannot go on like this. I can't trudge through life waiting for the next phase, dragging my frown around like a stuffed dog on a leash, and wasting the experiences God intends for me to have.
Anyway, I decided I was going to 'better myself'. I developed a renewed interest and motivation in my poetry and have been working diligently to get some poems ready for submission to a competition. I have kept up with my running. I am considering joining the Bronte Society and a writers' circle when I move to Glasgow.
But yesterday at church I was awakened with another realisation. I'm still living for myself. Whether in a depression or in self-improvement, I'm still looking out for No. 1. The message on Sunday was about idolatry. Three different kinds of idolatry were mentioned, though they were not all-inclusive, and I realised how much I fell into the last category: self.
No matter how happy I try to make myself, no matter how much I try to snap out of this stupid depression I've been in, nothing is going to change if that is my focus. It's like walking through a forrest and staring at your feet the whole time. You'll end up just rambling about and never get anywhere. You've got to take your eyes off yourself and look forward - then you'll possibly get somewhere.
I don't think my decision to enjoy myself is a bad one. It just has the wrong slant. Joining the Bronte Society and writing poetry are good things. Running is a good thing. But I ought to be looking higher. I ought to be seeking Jesus. It's for him I live, is it not? At least, it's because of him I live, though I can't say with honesty that I am living for him.
I want things to change in my heart. I want to accept life as it is right now and do whatever it is that I am meant to be doing right now. I want to live for Jesus. I want to take my eyes off me and put them on Jesus and on others. I want to be a better wife to Scott. I want to be a better person overall. I want to be someone that makes a difference in others' lives.
But I'm so selfish.