Monday, August 22, 2005

Screaming Body Alarm Clock

My uterus is raging. It's set for every 28 days then it goes off, screeching BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP and nothing can turn it off. I've tried every darned trick in the book. Medications, herbal remedies, hot tea, caffeine, hot baths, heating pads, self-mutiliation, suicide. Nothing works.

I've set myself a limit. If in one hour from the moment I took 500mg of mefenamic acid (so strong it's illegal in the United States), my uteral alarm clock is still screeching BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP then I am going home. I am marching - ok, dragging - myself down the corridor, straight into my bosses' office and telling them - something. That's the awkward part. That's why I never go home when my uterus is throwing a birthday party. What am I to tell my friendly-but-weird man boss at this point?

I have 40 minutes to wait. Typically, this medicine kicks in about 15 minutes after ingestion, though of late it's been taking more like 30. (Could it be that my body is adapting to the powerful painkillers the way it adapts to cocaine or heroin?) Last time it never kicked in, but it was late in the afternoon and I saw no reason to embarrass myself as in the above scenario when I could just wait it out for another hour.

But it is 9:20 in the morning, and I'm sweating profusely and I'm bunched over in my chair, typing at a 90? angle, with my skin raised in millions of tiny chill bumps and my uterus still screeching BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU AREN'T PREGNANT BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

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