Monday, May 31, 2004

A Foreigner I Will Truly Be

It hasn't really occurred to me until today that not only am I getting married in three and a half months, but I am leaving everything I know in three and a half months.

I have only three and a half months left to spend with my family, to spend living in America... I don't think I've really grasped that yet. With a wedding to plan and the excitement of being with Scott, I haven't thought of what else this wedding means.

I will most likely never move back here. Immigration is too difficult for foreigners (Scott) that unless God called us back here, there would be no point in going through the hassle. So I'm wondering, how will I live six time zones away from Mommy and Daddy? How am I going to live somewhere knowing that I can't just drive home when I miss them? I love my family. I love my aunts, I love my uncles, I love my cousins and grandparents, I love my friends. What is Christmas going to be like without Aunt Phyllis's loud mouth and Uncle Jon's poking everyone in the ribs when they least expect it? What will November be like without Thanksgiving? When do I put up the Christmas tree if there is no day after Thanksgiving? Who do I call to find out how to make a pot roast? Who will I call to ask questions about eschatalogy? How will I feel knowing that I can't lay my head in my mommy's lap when I'm lonely or sad?

I will have Scott. I'm not forgetting this. I will have Scott's family. I really love Scott's family. They will be there for me. But they don't know me like my family knows me. They aren't like my family. They don't know what hurts me and what makes me laugh. I can't even understand a lot of what they say. They will be a good family for me, but they won't be the same family that raised me, that taught me about Jesus, that made me who I am.

Scott will be patient with me, I know, and he will love me. He will be my husband and my provider and my best friend. It's just that he will be one person who doesn't make a lot of noise when to me a family is a group of people who make too much noise.

In three and a half months, I will never eat okra again. I will never see almost everyone I know again. I will lose touch with the people that have been a part of my life since I was born. Some people may die before I am able to come back and see them. I will not live in Arkansas, the place where I was born and have lived my entire life. I won't even live in this country. I've never been a huge patriot, but there is something so scary about leaving your homeland. I will be a foreigner. I will be the loud American in train stations that people hate. I will be the stupid American who doesn't understand how to order in restaurants. I won't know where I am. I won't know what people are saying to me. They will know as soon as they meet me that I am a foreigner. I won't fit in. I won't have friends. I won't know anyone. I won't feel like an American or a Scotswoman (?). I will not have a national identity. I will be an alien.

I've talked long enough about this so I will end it here. The bottom line is I will have my God. And wherever I go, there He will be also. I will also have my husband and eventually my children. I will never be alone. I will start my own family and make new friends. I will never have another Amanda and I will never have another Mom or Dad. But God will provide for me all that I need, and Scott will be my new best friend and my new family. I am lucky to be marrying someone that fills those positions so fully. Eh, I have nothing more to say. The End.

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