Wednesday, February 25, 2009

More About Lent While I Eat My Porridge and Attend My Daughter

In an effort to use my slow cooker more, I decided to try making porridge overnight ready for breakfast. Months ago I bought a timer to plug the cooker into for this purpose. Yet despite holding onto the instructions carefully, the day I decide to use it, the instructions are no where to be found. I've seen those instructions lying in the same place week after week, and yet now they are gone. So I tried to figure out the timer on my own. I woke up this morning hopeful, but all I found was a cold pot full of milk and oats. I just put it on the stove and made it the old fashioned way.

However, I got the timer down and started playing. I think I've figured it out now. I'll try it again in tonight.

Today is the start of Lent. I hope I can find time each day to reflect on Jesus Christ and his sacrifice on the cross. I hope I can find time (and energy) to contemplate what that means for me. One reason I'm sort of dreading this season is because I know how emotionally draining repentance is. I don't think I can face emotionally draining. I'm drained in every way as it is. So, then I wonder - does repentance always run along side weariness? If Jesus told us he would carry our yoke, our burdens, doesn't that mean we can lean on him in weakness, not fear him? I admit it, I fear brokenness. I fear what kind of emotional impact it could have on my life. I need as much bolstering up as possible during these years of toddler/babyhood. I need energy to run after Fifi when she makes a beeline for the street, when she suddenly needs to go potty NOW, when she's throwing a tantrum, when she's ill and needs lots of cuddles. I need energy for feeding Lolly around the clock, for picking her up when she cries, for changing her nappy again after having just changed it.

Yet, of course, I know intellectually that leaning on Christ is the only way to survive this. So why do I find it so daunting? Why am I so afraid that if I start going to him more, I'm going to find myself miserable and even more tired? Will I? Or will this season of Lent refresh me and my love for the Lord? That's what I want. I want to love him in a fresh new way. I want his sacrifice on the cross to move me again. I want to find the Spirit in everything I do and enjoy his presence.

But right now I must go get Lolly, who has just woken up from her night's sleep.

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