Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Looking to the Past

Three years ago when I chose to put Jesus first in my life and die to myself, I started a spiritual journal. The first entry is written 25 days after that decision. This is what it read:

10-5-00. This isn't about my Bible study or quiet time. But today I felt God use me like I've never felt before. That man *"Moses" was preaching and I just felt God lead me to say and do certain things. I don't want to act righteous- this was purely God. First the crowd was getting mean and they surrounded him. He was worried. I asked the people to be loving and back away. I talked to him about being loving to us as well. Later I felt like God was telling me to speak up so I raised my hand like he wants and he took 3 more questions. I really wanted to speak but he was done with questions. Just then God intervened. A teacher asked if "Moses" would speak in class and while they worked out the details, I shared the truth of Jesus' death and God's love. I was trembling. I could feel God speak through me.

I long for that kind of faith again. I'm still a very young Christian, but I've lost some of that. I've lost that sensitivity and trust. I want God to use me like that again. About two years later, I wrote another entry.

10-27-02. On Friday, the 25th, I stayed home from school and work and spent the morning w/ the Lord my God. I woke at around 9:30 and read the Bible (James and 1st Peter) and I prayed and thought and read most of **"Messy Spirituality." I stayed in bed doing this until about 1:30 or so. It was such a moving and inspiring and refreshing experience. I want to spend more time w/ God. I stayed home because I truly longed and hungered for Jesus... I never want to let this go. I know this "high" will drop back down to normalcy soon because it just does but my devotion doesn't have to. And I don't want it to. Ever.

I want that desire again, too. I want to hunger for the Lord like I have before. I don't want or like being cold. I miss Jesus. I miss him being my best friend. I miss him being my husband. It feels so nice that he still is those things, even when I spurn him time and time again. I don't want to neglect my Savior anymore. Lord, revive these things in me again. Take me to new places with you. Sweep me off my feet. Romance me. Cause me to grow like a dainty flower in a garden and a strong tree in a forest. I will do whatever it takes. It's just a lot of effort these days.

*Moses was a man who came on campus several times a week to "preach." He spoke things that were not true, manipulated the Bible, and infuriated people. Apparently he makes a living going from campus to campus, pissing people off, getting hit, then suing.
**By Michael Yaconelli.

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