Okay, I know that I still have a week to go before I even reach my due date, and therefore three weeks to go before I must face any kind of intervention to get this baby out, but HOLY COW I WANT THIS BABY OUT OF ME.
As with Lolly, I have been having irregular contractions for weeks now. With Lolly, these started at 35 weeks (necessitating a trip to the hospital to rule out preterm labour), but nothing happened until after 40 weeks when my waters only SLIGHTLY began to leak and I ended up getting induced at 40+6 days.
These contractions (with the ever so sensitive name 'false labour', but which I prefer to call 'prodromal labour' - look it up) started around 36 weeks this time and have just pressed on and on and on... energizer battery style.
They usually pop up around mid-afternoon and come and go all night until I go to bed - whether that be 10pm or 1am. They just hang out until I'm too exhausted to stay awake then peter out while I sleep. Different things bring them on, like standing up after being seated for a while, or after lying down after standing for a while. Walking and exercise and housework bring them on, but they don't last, or become regular, or form any patterns. Baths kill them off dead.
Just like with Lolly.
As you know, I've been practicing HypnoBirthing, and I wonder if my fear that a repeat of what happened with Lolly is inhibiting anything real starting. I have tried to 'release' this fear, but it is pretty deeply ingrained it seems.
I've gone for acupuncture twice. I don't really believe in it, but on the other hand, it was free, so I gave it a shot. I did find the nights after getting it done my contractions got stronger, but of course, they ended as well.
Today, I have been grumpy, tired and miserable. I feel like I'm living in a furnace, I am so hot and sweaty, I am exhausted and have just wanted to lie in bed all day, and of course, the kids have found this fairly unacceptable, so they've been annoying the life out of me, and my patience with them has been rather... non-existent. I'd like to think this could be a sign of hormonal changes, blah blah blah, but I'm not convinced. Not convinced of anything. Not convinced this baby will ever come out by natural means and worried I'll end up connected to machines again forcing a baby out of me that just doesn't want to come out.
However, a few positive points that I'm trying to hold onto are 1) the baby HAS moved down in the past couple of weeks. He went from at the brim of my pelvis last week, to 1/5 engaged this week. So these contractions maybe really ARE nudging him down. (He's posterior too, which is back-to-back in layman's terms, when ideally he should be facing the back not leaning against it.) And 2) from my own personal examinations (yes, prepare for TMI here), I am about 2 and bit centimetres dilated, which has increased from 1 cm earlier on. So there is some slight progress, which I'm trying to see in a positive light. After all, more than anything, I MUST stay positive. I am trying, I really am, but after last night and today, I just feel miserable. And I keep thinking, 'Three more weeks of this... can I bear that?' Surely not!
So, a bit of a moan here. But it kinda feels good to moan. I have been so positive and optimistic this whole pregnancy (well, I mean, in general.... I've had my bad spells too) that it just feels good to sort of lay out the negative feelings a bit. To lay out my fear that my body is screwed up and doesn't know how to give birth. To complain. To worry that my worries are what are blocking my body from doing it's thing. The mind IS very, very controlling, you know!
So, now, I will try to go make dinner and chill. I will pretend my kids are not still in their pajamas and that I'm not still in the same clothes I wore yesterday because I slept in them and couldn't be bothered today to change out of them or shower. I will just get on with the rest of this day and focus on the fact that no matter what, I WILL be holding my son in my arms in at LEAST three weeks, one way or the other.
I just hope it's the one way, not the other.
PS. I had two of those ridiculously annoying contractions while writing this, in case you are interested.