Trying to be perfect and trying to appear perfect are serious struggles for me. I don't like many of the things I do, so I brush them under a carpet and pretend they aren't there. I worry what people will think of me if they know about my shortfalls. I know I am not alone in this, but I still hate to admit flaws in my nature. Usually admittance of a flaw is followed by an explanation, or let's face it, an excuse or justification. If I'm wrong as a one-off, I find it easier to admit and deal with than if I am facing an ongoing struggle.
I kind of feel this desire right now to admit a few things about me that I'm not proud of. I know that my issues aren't 'The Biggies' (I'm not addicted to heroin or a cheating wife), but they are things that make me feel less good about myself. They are things that I try over and over again to correct but still end up doing or being. All right, here are some examples, with no excuses attached...
*I gossip about people a lot. Sometimes quite maliciously.
*I sometimes spank my children.
*I shout at my children far, far too often.
*I sometimes get pleasure in seeing other people fail.
*I am conceited and judgmental.
*I enjoy getting drunk now and again.
*I don't always believe in God.
*I don't clean my toilet every day.
Okay, I had to throw that last one in because I was starting to feel a bit too vulnerable there! Although frankly, I am embarrassed to admit I don't clean my toilet every day, because I really should.
But there, now that I've admitted a few things about myself, I can now stand in front of you and say, 'I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. I would like to be perfect one day but must just hope that the Bible is true, and I will one day be made perfect like Christ, because I can never be perfect here on earth.'
But I will keep trying. And my hope is that by admitting a few things, I might be taking another step in the right direction.
*Title stolen from my friend Corinne's amazing book Ralph Is (Not) A Superhero. Go buy it now!