This whole 'due date' thing is really rather cruel. You go one day from not-yet-due-so-quit-complaining to IT'S YOUR DUE DATE to only one day later over-due-and-lets-start-considering-induction.
Ohhh it's so not good for the psyche.
It would be so much better if we could just talk in terms of 'due months'. That's sort of how I've been looking at it anyway. From 37 weeks, I considered myself full term and would stay full term until 42 weeks. That's a 5 week window in which to have a baby. That feels so much more doable. But now that I'm about to cross over the medical fine line of over-due, I'm starting to feel a bit stressed. Sure I have two weeks left in which I could go into labour, but the weeks pass so fast and what if...?
Scott will want to knock me over the head for not being 'positive' again, but I'm starting to get anxious. This is my last baby. It is my third and last chance to have a homebirth. My two other births could not be at home for differing reasons, but there is no reason this time that my birth can't be at home. Unless this body of mine just can't get with the program. It's got two weeks left to get this thing figured out. Sure, most people DO go over 40 weeks. And there is probably some study to be done out there about some women needing slightly longer to gestate than others. After all, we are all individuals, and the one-size-fits-all medical model just doesn't work for every individual. But still...
If you've been keeping up with me during this, you'll know I've been experiencing prodromal labour for weeks. Well this week, all activity has more or less ceased. I've had the odd contraction here and there but nothing like what I was experiencing. In most ways, this is a huge relief. No more false alarms. A break from constant physical activity and heightened awareness of my body. The hope that when things do start back up, they'll be the real thing. But it also brings with it concern that nothing is going to happen now before I end up facing The Big Decision: Induction or Section? Two weeks and one day from now, and that will be the decision before me.
One of my 'birthing affirmations' from HypnoBirthing says something like 'If the day for your baby goes by, you feel more relaxed, knowing your baby and your body are working together to ensure your baby will come at the right time.' I've been trying and trying to focus in on that one. I want to believe it. I really want to internalise it. I want to rid myself of all anxiety related to when this baby will be born. It's just that I have too much desire for this one last birth to be done RIGHT, to heal all the buried, subconscious grief of the other two births, and to finish my childbirthing years with perfect harmony, that I'm now reaching a stage of panic in case it doesn't happen.
I don't want to be negative. I don't want to be anxious. I want to be calm, positive, cheerful, patient and confident. I want to trust God. I want to trust my body.
I want to go back to bed for an hour and start this morning over again. Preferably with an intense contraction, but I'd settle for just a positive mental attitude.