40 Questions - Year 13 (and 12)

Image source: Adobe Stock

2016 was the kind of a year I did not want to talk about. While I'd been answering these 40 questions for eleven years straight, last year I couldn't bring myself to do this. I started, but didn't get very far, and ended up leaving it in draft form for the entire year. I just wasn't ready at this point last year to talk about my pending divorce or all the crappiness that surrounded 2016.

This year though has been such a transformative year that I really want to go ahead and give this another bash. I don't know how many more years I'll want to answer these same questions, but it's been a really fun way to document each year of the past decade or so, so here we go. The year 2017 - the year everything changed.

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

This summer I went backpacking for the first time. I never thought I was the outdoorsy type, aside from enjoying a good camping weekend. But I fell in love with the idea of backpacking, and after that first trip, I became hooked. It was an amazing experience, and now I look for every opportunity to get out with my backpack as much as possible.

Backpacking with David (and sort of Allen)

I also completed a half-marathon.

Running for the photographers.

I joined the Rotary Club.

I got my first COLOR tattoo.

My "unicone" tattoo for Lolly.

But quite possibly the most AMAZING thing I did in 2017 that I'd never done before was see Tripping Daisy live in concert! Tripping Daisy was my favorite band in high school, and I never got to see them live before they broke up. Until May. It was out of this world. I got lost in just living.

Blown away.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?

My New Year's resolution last year was simply to survive. And I did. So there.

This year, rather than a resolution per se I've been compiling a Bucket List/To Do list. On this list I'd like to accomplish or do the following fifteen things in 2018:

1. Save [undisclosed amount of money].

2. Get more involved in the community by joining a board.

3. Read 12 books (a book a month).

4. Visit a new city.

5. Visit the beach.

6. Finally put Meatloaf & a Rosary (my book of poetry) into print.

7. Send 36 letters/cards/parcels to various friends and relatives. (I'll be 36 this year.)

8. Publish at least 36 blog posts.

9. Take kids on a trip or vacation.

10. Lose 15-20 pounds. (Starting keto on Jan 2!)

11. [Unspoken Bucket List Item] - like an Unspoken Prayer Request only cheekier.

12. Spend the night in a haunted hotel.

13. Practice a couple "no spend" months.

14. Run another race (maybe a 10k instead of half marathon this time).

15. Volunteer my time for a new organization.

Some of these aren't traditional "bucket list" items, in that they may not be things I've never done before, but they're things I'd like to do next year. Generic resolution-wise though, I just want to spend less money, lose some weight, and make the most of this new year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend Kate from book club had a baby, but I'm such a bad friend, I can't remember if it was 2017 or 2016. He's still pretty little though so I'm going to guess 2017. My sis-in-law Rebekkah is due a baby in January 2018, though, and I'm super excited to meet the next mini McFarlane!

It occurred to me last year while trying to answer these questions that I'm starting to get to an age where this isn't going to be so prevalent anymore. Most of my friends are nearing the end of our childbearing years. Oh my god that means I'm getting old.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Last year (in my attempt to answer these questions): Oh, you mean besides every icon of childhood imaginable? No.

Ha! Yeah, 2016 was brutal. This year, the only funeral I attended was for our Red Cross chapter's previous executive director (my predecessor) Candy Carey. She passed away in April quite unexpectedly, and that was hard for everyone. She'd been the ED in this area for 20-something years.

5. What places did you visit?

I feel like I'm trying to cover two years here. In 2016, I went to Tacoma, New Orleans, Denver and several places in Oklahoma. In 2017, I went to Dallas to see Tripping Daisy, Washington DC for Red Cross training, Ft Myers, FL, to respond to Hurricane Irma, and I've spent a significant amount of time in Mississippi (more on that later).

A crappy shot of Bourbon Street.

Tripping Daisy in Dallas

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

Well, in 2015, I said I wanted balance. Moving into 2017, I needed that in so many more ways than I realized then. I needed work/life balance, me/others balance, and mental/emotional balance.  And I think I achieved that for the most part in 2017.

What I lacked in 2017 though was a forward plan. My goal this year was just to survive as a newly single woman and single mom. What I need next year is to figure out my next steps. I don't need to just survive in 2018 - I need to thrive.

7. What date from 2016/2017 will remain etched upon your memory?

I give in- I'm answering for two years from now on.

Oct 10, 2016 is when I started my new job as Communications Director for the Red Cross. That was life changing (in more ways than one). However, April 24, 2017 is the day I became the Executive Director for my Red Cross chapter. So that was a big deal, also life changing.

But January 28, 2017 will forever be remembered as one of the hardest of my life. It's the day Scott officially moved out. That brings tears to my eyes even right now as I write it.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

2016: New job.

2017: New job.

9. What was your biggest failure?

2016: (And I quote the draft from last year that I never published:) Everything. (Aw, Last Year Me, that's not true!)

2017: Let's be honest - what I was referring to previously was the failure to keep my marriage together. And I guess in practical terms, that's probably the most obvious answer to this question. But is moving on and making a decision that is ultimately better for both of us a failure, or has it been a success that we have remained such good friends and such good co-parents to our wee ones? I think it's all in how you look at it. Getting divorced is one of the ultimate "failures" in our society. But maybe that's the wrong way of looking at it. Maybe we've succeeded in adulting.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I don't recall any visits to the ER, so I'm going to say no. I was in a car accident in August '17, but the injuries were minor.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I bought a new car (which has been hit now twice, so it might actually be cursed) and most recently I bought a self-cleaning cat litter box. Which I'm thinking might have been the best thing I've bought my whole entire life.

New car/ old car

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

2016: I wrote, "I thought Bernie Sanders did pretty well this year."

2017: My kids. They have been stars throughout this whole huge life transition. Their lives have been utterly turned upside down, yet they have been the most awesome, resilient and optimistic humans I know. I am so grateful to Scott for joining me in creating a united front and an environment for them that has allowed them to work through this mess in their own way. They are the real superstars this year.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?

Well... I mean, yes, I regret that my marriage did not last. But positive things have come of it. So beyond that, I'd say it's been a year of learning, healing, growing and reflecting. I could focus on regrets, but I just don't want to. Regrets get us nowhere.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Books. Clothes. Petrol. (Petrol because I drove to Mississippi a lot this year. And that's because...)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I started dating someone this summer that has pretty much stolen my heart. He lives in Mississippi though, which really, really, really sucks, but from the very earliest days we both couldn't help but feel the distance was (and still is) worth it. And I'm really, really, really excited about this new person in my life. This relationship was unexpected and unsoughtafter but has been a very joyful and meaningful turn of events for me. I'm immensely happy.

The Boyfriend

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2016/2017?

2016: Hamilton the Broadway musical and The Hamilton Mixtape.

2017: Band of Horses Why Are You Ok album.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

2016 (and I quote:)

happier or sadder? Sadder. I am hating these questions this year.

thinner or fatter? The tiniest bit thinner.

richer or poorer? Richer, which is nice.

2017:

happier or sadder? Sadder at the start of the year. Happier at the end.

thinner or fatter? So much fatter. *weeps*

richer or poorer? Poorer, way poorer after dropping down to a single income. Ouch. But doing fine regardless.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing and reading, both years. Backpacking/camping (two of my trips got cancelled this year, meaning I didn't get to do nearly as much as I wanted). Nor did I exercise as much as I wanted to (and needed to). But that's life!

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

This year has been so busy that I have no idea what I could've actually cut out. There was really no time for doing anything that I wish I'd done less of!

20. How did you spend Christmas?

In 2016, I spent Christmas with my family as always. It was an emotional Christmas for me and Scott especially, but we spent it together.

Christmas 2016

We decided early on that for the time being, we would continue to spend holidays together as a nuclear family, so in 2017, I spent Christmas with my family same as before. Only this year, Scott came over to my house early on Christmas morning for kids to open the presents I got them. Then we went to his house to open his presents. That afternoon we all went to my dad's to celebrate with them. This past Saturday before Christmas, we also all spent the day with my mom for an early Christmas celebration. Scott and I are still a family. Just a different kind of family.

(I didn't think to get a picture of all three kids together this year - I barely took any pictures at all - but because my kids are hella cute:)

Jaguar

Lolly

Fifi

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

Hmm, it's a toss up. On the weeks when the kids are at Scott's house, I talk to the kids on the phone every night at 7pm. (And he talks to them every night that I have them.) But those are short conversations where they are mostly distracted with whatever toy they are currently playing or fighting over, so as far as hours accrued, I probably spent the most time on the phone with The Mississippi Boyfriend.

Another contender for most time on the phone is one of my colleagues whom I tend to call while on long drives for travel. And earlier in the year I spent a lot of time on the phone with Heather from Scotland. It's hard to say who I've spent the most time on the phone with! But it's probably The Boyfriend (who does have a name by the way).

22. What's your best memory from 2016/2017?

I'm having a hard time thinking about this one. Lots of good little moments but one "best" memory from either year is alluding me. Definitely my backpacking trips and the moment I ran across the finish line of the half marathon were big. Deploying to Florida for Hurricane Irma relief was big. There was the night I took the three kids to the KARK TV station to finish the telethon that raised money for flooding in Pocahontas, AR, and they got to meet the governor and first lady of Arkansas. But surely the biggest one was seeing Tripping Daisy live. That was almost two decades in waiting. (Have I mentioned yet how awesome that was?)

Red Cross deployment to Florida with my APAT partner Colin.

The Honorable Asa Hutchinson, First Lady Susan Hutchinson
and the Magnificent Fifi, Lolly and Jaguar. With Mediocre Mum.

Tim Delaughter! Bryan Wakeland! Mark Pirro!

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?

I'm glad I kept the draft from last year, because this is meaningful and as true in 2015 as in 2016 as in 2017: I think I should copy some of what I put last year, because it's still true, and I'm still growing this way:  "I've learned that in order for anything to ever get better, we are going to have to actually do something about it. I can't sit back and hope someone else does something, but I myself must take action... I think we all have our part to play in the big stuff, but even in the small things - keeping a friend's kids so they can get out, donating money or time to tornado relief, bringing someone groceries when they are sick, writing a little note to encourage someone.  All the little things that take so little of me but give so much to someone else."

Working for the Red Cross has given me a way to do that every single day, but it's also given me the means to do it in other smaller ways.  Like Dr. Seuss said, "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

In 2017 in particular, I've seen myself grow as a self-sufficient person. Someone who doesn't need another person to "complete" her. I've always been independent, but not having a partner in life anymore to help me accomplish all the day-in-day-out tasks or helping me make large decisions has forced me to grow even more independent. Decisions I make now are mine solely, and I'm solely responsible for them. I've grown in self-confidence, and most importantly, I've come to accept that who I am is enough for me. I don't need another person to get me through life. Other people are a wonderful support but are not my foundation. I build and stand on my own foundation.

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?

2016: Stranger Things, House of Cards. (What we didn't know then. Sigh.)

2017: Who has time for TV?

26. What was the best book(s) you read? What books would you like to read in the next year?

Hands down, The Poisonwood Bible was the best book I read in 2017. It's up there with Silence as far as books that have had a huge impact on me. As for next year, I have a stack of books a mountain high. Where do I start?? As I write this, I'm being recommended The Book of Strange New Things which sounds like The Poisonwood Bible in outer space. (Thanks, Brian!)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

It's easy for 2016 - Hamilton. There was also the What's Inside: Songs from Waitress soundtrack. But this past year, I don't know that anything new was really discovered. 

28. What did you want and get?

2016: I really wanted the Red Cross job, and I got it. :)

2017: The other Red Cross job.

Red Cross shelter in Ft Myers, FL

29. What did you want and not get?

A vacation with my kids. Maybe next year.

30. What were your favorite films of this year?

Of the movies I saw in the cinema, would it be ridiculous to admit I loved Annabelle: Creation? Because it was immensely fun to watch. And honestly Coco was remarkable. Perhaps my favorite of all though - and mock all you want - was Bad Moms because I relate so hard. I cried and yes, it's a comedy.

Speaking of crying, it's not a film, but I also went to see Gift of the Magi at the Arkansas Repertory Theater, and I cried like a baby through that too.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

2016: I don't think I did anything for my birthday this year. Sad.

2017: I went to dinner with a group of my girlfriends at Star of India. I had wanted to karaoke for my birthday, but that time of year was just too dismal for me. Celebrating was kind of the last thing I wanted to do.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

You know what? In spite of what a tough year this has been, I can't think of anything that would have made this year more satisfying. It was a year for healing, and it accomplished just that, and then some. I'm immensely satisfied with my life and how this year progressed. It was hard, y'all - the hardest year of my life. But it was, to be corny as hell, like entering a cocoon, getting liquefied and utterly mangled, and emerging with new wings.

("That's poetic! That's pathetic." Whatevs. It's true.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016/2017?

2016: Pantsuits. (At work.)

2017: Sweatpants. (Not at work.)

Suit up!

34. What kept you sane?

My job. In fact, credit for this goes to my dear friend Nigel in Colorado. Last December, I went to Denver for a Divisional meeting where I met Nigel and a number of other Red Cross communications directors in our Division (nine states). I confided in Nigel what was happening with my marriage. She gave me the best advice, and this advice got me through the first half of 2017. She said the only way to survive in my new job with this happening was to leave my baggage at the front door of the office before I walked in everyday and pick it back up when I walk out. Easier said than done, I know, but I took that image with me every day. I would often cry the entire drive into work, but when I parked my car, I wiped my eyes, applied a bit of fresh makeup, and walked into the office, leaving my personal life in the car. I would focus and concentrate hard all day on my work, refusing myself a free second to think about what was going on outside my job. When the day was done, I got back in my car and cried the whole way home. I did this for the first several months after Scott moved out. My job gave me a needed distraction and a focus and a purpose. It kept me going, even on my darkest, most sinister days. I even remember driving back from Fayetteville one day in a Red Cross car, thinking how easy it would be to end it all by driving off the edge of the road into the ravine - except I was in a Red Cross car and didn't want to destroy something that was there to help people in time of need. (I was severely depressed and illogical. Don't blame me for having odd priorities during that dark time.)

Raising money for flooding relief via KARK telethon.
That's me with Aaron Nolan and Arkansas AG Lesley Rutledge.

35. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?

I have two. And they are weird.

The first was Valentine's Day, my first Valentine's Day as a single woman. Scott brought me flowers in spite of our separation. I knew then that we were going to get through this civilly and as friends.

The second was Christmas this year. I spent the weekend before Christmas on a mini vacation with The Boyfriend, and it was magical. No matter what happens with us in the future, we both agree that's a weekend we never want to forget. Our relationship may last or it may not, but after an extremely hard year for both of us, I feel like this Christmas gave us both hope that our lives are going to be okay.

(The Boyfriend's name, by the way, is Neil.)

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

2016: All of them. And now that we are approaching a President Trump, I can no longer stomach politics. I used to listen to NPR all the time - it was my alarm in the morning, what I listened to on the way to and from work and during lunch breaks. Now I just cannae.

2017: All of them. Still. I just can't even.

37. Who did you miss?

2016: My Scottish friends, especially Heather. I could've used having her nearby this year.

2017: Same.

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?

2016: I like my new coworkers. They are the only new people I met that I can think of, but I've only known them for a few months. (Katrina, Brian, Dave, Stephanie - the list could go on and on and on so to avoid missing anyone I'll stop there.)

2017: I made some great new friends this year. Taylor and Jeremy - especially Jeremy and his lovely and hilarious daughter Pengwen (not her real name), and of course The Boyfriend, along with the guys who come along with him, Brian and Marvin (their real names). I also continue to meet incredible people through work, such as all the members of my Board of Directors (I could name you all but I'll settle with naming a few - Eric, Adrienne, Joe, Jeff, Monica) and new coworkers like Steve and Llahoma. I've met some really wonderful people this year.

My buddy Jeremy.

My Kehlers.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016/2017.

Let's just stick with 2017 here.

Conflict does not have be synonymous with war. Scott and I had two options for handling our conflict this year - allow it to result in devastation or growth. I imagine a nuclear wasteland where most failed marriages end up. Everything's black and burnt and destroyed, there is hate and death and agony. But there's also a winter garden where we determined we'd plant our failed marriage. The grass was brown and withered, but there was potential for new life. A spring could come where new flowers blossomed, and where hope and healing could push through the soil out of the struggle. There were a few frosts early on that threatened to choke out the new life we hoped to grow, but as summer approached, we began to see the fruits of the labor we put into keeping our conflict mutually constructive. Like that cheesy butterfly analogy earlier: conflict can also result in beauty and transformation. It doesn't have to result in mass destruction.

To those of you who don't know what to make of the relationship Scott and I now have, think on this a little. We've got three amazing children who need two parents who love each other. We may not want to be married anymore, but we shared twelve years together and share the responsibility of raising three kids in the most fertile soil we can. So yes, we will always care for each other and love each other, even if we aren't married to each other and end up falling in love with other people. Conflict doesn't have to be synonymous with war.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

"Everything Changes" - Sara Bareilles, What's Inside: Songs from Waitress

Everything changes.

My heart's at the wheel now
and all my mistakes, they make sense
when I turn them around.

Everything changes ...

I didn't know,
but now I see sometimes what is, is meant to be ...

My blurry lines, my messy life come into focus

and in time maybe I can heal and I can breathe

'cause I can feel myself believe

that everything changes.

40 Questions - Nearly Two Months Late

I'll be honest: I pretty much had decided to be done with this.  This is the eleventh year in a row for me to answer these annual questions, and I am just sort of tired of it. I also can barely remember 2015 - it was such a blur. However, it's been almost a month since I've posted on my blog (sad, exhausted face), so to kick myself in the arse and get back to trying to regularly blog, I'm starting with something easy-hard - the 40 Questions.

1. What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?
As long as you don't count my ebook, I published a book for the first time! As in, a real book in print that you should order, because it doesn't cost much, given I used a 10 point font and narrow margins to reduce the number of sheets per copy, thus reducing the base cost of producing said book. Also, I think it's a pretty good book (even though I can't read it anymore because I've found two typos and I can't bear to read any further in case there are more). (Also, I keep thinking of things I should've added.) (Second edition looks very likely.) (Oh, and yeah, The Last Petal Falling is also an ebook, if that's what floats your boat.)

Promoting my book like a boss at my first book fair.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Last year, I resolved to get back on keto and lose the last of my weight. I am pleased to say I got down to within five pounds of my goal weight and maintained that for months... until I began working full time in an office job. I have since gained just about all my weight back. Dagnabit.

I also resolved to do another "stuff" clear out. I did have a garage sale, but I'm thinking now I really should've purged more.

This year, I made several resolutions. I am both sorry and not surprised that I have already broken each and every one.
- Spend less, save more? Haven't done that at all.
- Read books I have, don't buy new books? Well, I have read some books I already had but hadn't read, yet I have also already spent way too much money at the bookstore for it being on February. (See failed resolution "Spend less, save more".)
- Lose office 15? I lost 5 pounds, then put it back on, because I love food and think maybe I should just be happy with my body for once instead of always trying to be skinnier.
- Exercise more? I have been to the gym ONCE. I also took my dog out for a walk... once.
- Put another book into print? Okay, I haven't failed at that yet, since there are still ten months left to accomplish that in. I do have a plan to turn that aforementioned ebook into an updated print edition. That really needs to happen.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Scott's brother and his wife (my brother/sister-in-law) had their fourth little bundle, wee Rohn. Yay! And my college BFF Amanda had her first baby, little miss Stella. If I've forgotten anyone else, it's because I barely remember 2015, and I also might be a terrible person.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Eh... I don't think so? If someone did, I am so sorry. Again, 2015 = blur. And terrible person.

However, though he was not super close to me, my dear friend Paula lost her husband to cancer this year, and she is close to me, and I really grieved for her. Being a continent away from people you love has been my constant thorn-in-the-flesh for the last twelve years.

5. What places did you visit?
We visited Texas in August to celebrate my brother-in-law Pete's 30th birthday. It was the first time we have seen their family's adorable wee home and town. And as an added bonus, Scott's cousin Amy was visiting at the same time from Scotland!

Scottish family

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?
So two years ago I said, "by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan.  A life plan... I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle."  Last year I hoped that meant moving to Seattle, WA. That was what I hoped my "life plan" would be. But here's the thing: my plans NEVER go according to plan. So here we are, almost three years back in America, and you know what? We're just gonna keep on winging it. As for where we are going to finally settle? For the now, it's here.

Last year, I wanted a little more adventure and excitement. I suppose we managed that, in many small ways. Again, it didn't include a cross-country move, but it included a new job and a new chapter in my life, which is pretty exciting.

This year, I'm asking the universe for balance, something I severely lacked after going back into the workforce.

7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory?
July 1st - the date I launched my book.  One week later, I started my new job. Three weeks after that, we moved to a new house in a new town. (It was kind of a hectic summer.)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Broken record here: Book published.  Job acquired.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Gaining back all that damn weight I worked so hard to lose.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I don't recall any trips to the ER, so I'm going to guess no. (Touch wood.)

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Here's the thing - Scott and I spent most of our marriage on one income, struggling to make ends meet, broke as a feckin' joke. Things got better when we moved to the US, but when I started working and suddenly we had actual spending money again, I bought ALL THE THINGS. Was any of it worth it? Probably not. Except for these kickass shoes.

Yes, that's a velociraptor tattoo. 

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Not Donald Trump.

But seriously, I don't know. My book club friends should get mentioned somewhere, so here. Thanks for accepting me, girls, even though we're different, even though we don't believe the same things. You ladies make living in Arkansas, dare I say it, enjoyable.

Drinking cocktails in book club tees.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
I don't think I have any regrets about the past year, but I do still grieve being a stay-at-home-mum. I feel in many ways I've done my children a disservice by going back to work full time, outside of the house. I like my job, and I like feeling like a Powerful Career Woman (PCW, just made that up), but I do feel like it's at the expense of my kids and of someone I used to be.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Two things - new furniture and books. Books, glorious books!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The release of Quiet Company's album Transgressor, which I listened to non-stop from February to like August. And the release of my book, too, duh.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2015?
Crap. I remember thinking at one point, "Remember this album for your 40 Questions!" But I have no idea what it was.

One song that will always remind me of last year is John Legend's "All of Me". Paula told a story about when her husband first really heard the words to that song, how he broke down. Now I break down every time I hear it, feeling their pain, their love, their helplessness. Shit, where are my tissues?



17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Happier! I don't live in Nowheresville anymore. I'm in Somewheresville now! (Still not as awesome as WeveMadeItville, but I'm still happy!)
thinner or fatter? Fatter! And damnit, I'm going to just go with it!
richer or poorer? Richer! Double incomes! We get to pay more taxes now! (Which I'm more than happy to do, I should add.)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise. The second half of the year at least. And I miss doing volunteer work, something I aim to correct this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stress about stuff.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We had a great Christmas this year. I was actually super into the Christmas spirit. We went to a carol service (at a church! An atheist in a church!) late on Christmas Eve, then went out for an even later Indian meal with the kids. When we got home, we each opened one present - a book each. I'm hoping it'll be our new Christmas Eve tradition, to exchange books. The next morning, we opened presents, then my dad and stepmom came over for breakfast. Later in the day we went to my aunt's house for family Christmas. The next day we went to my mom's for Christmas. The next day we went to my dad's for Christmas. Or something along those lines. It was a LOT of Christmases in a row. And a lot of fun!

Jaguar fell asleep and missed Xmas Eve book exchange.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Vendors and work colleagues. I spend a lot of time at work on the phone.

22. What's your best memory from 2015?
Blur blur it's all a blur. Visiting Texas. Getting told, "We'd like to offer you the job." Getting a book endorsement from Hemant Mehta, and then him promoting it on his blog.

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
First, I think I should copy some of what I put last year, because it's still true, and I'm still growing this way:  "I've learned that in order for anything to ever get better, we are going to have to actually do something about it. I can't sit back and hope someone else does something, but I myself must take action... I think we all have our part to play in the big stuff, but even in the small things - keeping a friend's kids so they can get out, donating money or time to tornado relief, bringing someone groceries when they are sick, writing a little note to encourage someone.  All the little things that take so little of me but give so much to someone else. "

Secondly, I feel I'm turning back into a PCW (Powerful Career Woman TM). No, but seriously, I feel I'm getting that confidence back, that belief that I can do anything I set my mind to. Not that I was unconfident before, because I wasn't. (I was one heck of a supermum sometimes, and I also wrote a book!) But I didn't have that workplace ambition I'm now seeing in myself. I like it. Although I'll say again, it usually feels that this comes at the cost of my family life. Oh, Balance, Balance, where for art thou, Balance?

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
TV? Did I watch TV in 2015?

26. What was the best book(s) you read? What books would you like to read in the next year?
Y'all, I did the 2015 Reading Challenge and read so many good books.  Off the top of my head, the ones that stick out the most:

Disgruntled by Asali Solomon
God Help the Child by Toni Morrison
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

But here's a list of all of them:
December
November
October
September
July/August
June
May
April
March
February
January

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
So, a little story about that.

I used to be a big Pedro the Lion fan like every good Christian Indie kid.  Then I was sad when he "left the faith". I tried to be open-minded and listen to some of his post-Christian stuff but just couldn't get into it. ("Too angsty", I recall saying.)

But so then I became one of those post-Christian types who left the faith, and I decided to give David Bazan another chance. I started listening to his album Curse Your Branches and like WHOA. So my greatest musical RE-discovery is David Bazan (whom Scott and I just went to see play a house show a couple weeks ago).
28. What did you want and get?
A job! And royalty payments!

29. What did you want and not get?
To move away. (That's what I said last year too. But I'm happy, it's cool.)

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Since Deadpool was just now, um... Ooh, The Force Awakens was last year, right? And Spotlight was good.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Me and my gal pals went to Painting With A Twist for my birthday. My gym friends, my book club friends, and my old best high school friends. It was really fun.

I love these peeps!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being able to remember it. Blurrrrr.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
January - July: Workout chic.
July - December: Business casual.

Heels and shit.

34. What kept you sane?
Scott reminding me constantly that my brain had NOT turned to mush, and that I CAN be a PCW again! And wine.

35. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
My birthday, being surrounded by friends, was special. Especially since 2014 was the year of wishing I had friends and missing my Scottish people.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Apparently this is the third year I'm saying this but it remains true: Health care and same-sex marriage.  This year, add Citizens United and campaign finance reform and income inequality. #FeelTheBern

37. Who did you miss?
All my Scottish friends who I loved so, so much: Paula, Heather, and Elaine. Maria and Carol. Sheila and Robyn. Gordy, Kieran, and Lee, Lynda, Arthur, Pauline. The list goes on. I miss y'all.

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
The Velociraptors in an Opium Den. (Aka., the book club.) I also quite like a lot of the people I've met at work.

(Remember that velociraptor tattoo? That's how much I love book club.)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
I don't have to be supermom.  It's okay to just be the World's Okayest Mom.

It's true.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as (parklife)

And morning soup can be avoided if you take a route straight through what is known as (parklife).

John's got brewers droop, he gets intimidated by the dirty pigeons. They love a bit of it (parklife).

Who's that gut lord marching... you should cut down on your porklife mate... get some exercise.

ALL THE PEOPLE

SO MANY PEOPLE

THEY ALL GO HAND IN HAND

HAND IN HAND THROUGH THEIR PARKLIFE

(Know what I mean?)

I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen (parklife).

I put my trousers on, have a cup of tea, and I think about leaving the house (parklife).

I feed the pigeons. I sometimes feed the sparrows too -

It gives me a sense of enormous well-being (parklife) -

And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge there will always be a bit of my heart devoted to it (parklife).

It's got nothing to do with vorsprung durch technic, you know,

And it's not about you joggers who go round and round and round...

(Also, get it? Blur?)

40 Questions

Ten years in a row! Happy 10 Year "40 Questions" Anniversary to me.

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
I guess among firsts, I got a tax professional to do my taxes for the first time.  And I bought a car from a dealership for the first time. I'm all grown up and stuff.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Last year's New Year's resolution was to "rigorously save money, to get a little more exercise, eat a little healthier and lose about 15 pounds."  Well, let's see how that went...

I didn't exactly save a lot of money, as in, put a lot in savings, but I managed to budget even better than I was already doing and have continued to keep us from needing a credit card or living in any debt (aside from cars).  I got a lot more exercise than I ever expected and have maintained a gym membership for almost an entire year - February will be my one year gymniversary.  On a good week, I go three times, on a great week I go all five weekdays and on a really bad week I miss completely, but that usually only happens when someone in the house is sick, preventing me from going. (Like it's been for the past three weeks or so...) A typical "bad week" would be one or two visits.  So, I say I've done a far, far better job than I expected, considering I wrote last year that I would probably fail.  I also lost a good amount of weight - 25 lbs! (Though I've put about 5 back on since Thanksgiving.) I think I've done pretty well this year! I'm now only a few pounds over what I was when I got married. :) Bragging over. Moving on.

I also chose Satisfaction as my "theme" for this past year - being satisfied with what I have and where I'm at. Changing what I can but being satisfied with what I can't. I guess I achieved that to an extent, but to be honest, I will just never be satisfied completely with living in Nowheresville, Arkansas.  I just can't, no matter how hard I try.

So. All of that said, what are my resolutions for this year?

First thing I wanted to do, and I've already done this, was to streamline my Facebook Friends list for a fresh new year's start.  I never unfriend people because it seems so mean, and I don't want to hurt any feelings. But there were so many people on my list I either did not even know or just don't have any contact with.  So last night I did a clear out.  I did not delete anyone for any unkind reasons; I have no animosity towards anyone I unfriended. I just decided to start fresh with people I actually keep at least a modicum of communication with.

My other resolution is to get back on keto and lose that last 15 lbs.  My goal this year is lower than my goal was last year, because now I believe I can do it.  I'd also like to do another clear out this year of "stuff", as I've accumulated quite a lot of things I don't really need. Going to have a garage sale in the spring, I think. I like simple, I like clear and clean.

And does getting Jaguar potty-trained count as a resolution?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I got a new niece and a new nephew this year! My brother and his wifey gave birth to their daughter Makaela, and Scott's brother and his wife had their first son, Sam.  Also my step-brother and his wife had a little girl, so that gave me a step-niece as well! Aside from family, my coworker and friend Carrie had a sweet little girl, Greer, only a month ago, a "little" ten pound chunk of cuteness.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one close necessarily, but a theater friend in Scotland passed away just a few days ago on Christmas day. He was one helluva pantomime dame. Never could remember his lines, which only added to the absurdity of panto. He will be missed. His family has been on my mind this week.

5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries this year, and probably none for the foreseeable future. Hence I now change this question to:

5b. What PLACES did you visit?
We went to Nashville, Tennessee to see my old BFF Amanda get married to the love of her life Eric. Beyond that, the furthest we ventured this year was Northwest Arkansas. Sad. Gotta remedy that in 2015.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Last year I said, "by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan.  A life plan. A rough guide, more like, since my plans never go according to plan.  I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle."  I think we are getting a little closer to that now, though as for "life plan", that might still be asking too much.

This year, I'd like a little more adventure and excitement. 2014 was more or less a blank canvas of a year.  Not much happened. No big ups, no big downs, certainly no adventures.  I'd like to make sure 2015 isn't as blank as this past year was. Girls just wanna have fun, right?

7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?
No actual dates stand out, but somewhere around August I breastfed Baby Jaguar for the last time.  I guess I'll never breastfeed again. Kind of sad.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving a full year in Nowheresville?

Ha.  But seriously, probably the exercise thing. Starting a fitness routine and sticking with it longer than a few months. Seeing my body tone up, feeling my strength increasing.  At the start of the year - February - I could barely get through the warm-up of a Kickboxing class, let alone the entire class, without wanting to pass out (or throw up).  Now I can finish a class with plenty of energy to go.  It's an amazing feeling.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Never getting my curtains hung in my living room.  It's been a year and a half, come on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No one suffered anything major this year, touch wood.  We've had a few hospital scares - Jaguar, Fifi - but nothing that amounted to anything.  We have all been off-and-on sick for several weeks though, which in effect RUINED CHRISTMAS (exaggeration, slightly).

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new car!! I had been driving my Papaw's beat up 1999 Oldsmobile van for a year, and all I wanted was my own car with air conditioning.  Finally in October, we were able to get me a car, and I love it!  She is my precious.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I hope I can say this in the right way, but I want to give a shout out to my mom.  Me coming out as atheist this year has been incredibly hard on her. I know it breaks her heart every day.  But after the initial shock and after having a few good talks about it with me, she has continued to treat me just the same as she always has - with unconditional love.  I hated hurting my family by leaving our family's faith, and I hate that it hurts them daily. But my mom has made me feel like no matter what, she will always still see me as the same person I've always been. She still talks to me the same way as she used to, and there isn't any weirdness between us (at least I don't feel any).  She prays for me constantly, I'm sure of it, but she hasn't made me feel like a disappointment to her.

That goes for quite a few people, really, but my mom gets the award for it this year.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
I guess I regret not trying harder to make friends.  Not wanting to settle here permanently has resulted in me sort of unintentionally keeping up a wall around me. I've made friends that I really care about, but I think I've also kept everyone at a slight distance. I regret that, even while I understand it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I'd say most of it went into rebuilding our home.  We got the basics last year - furniture and the like - but this year I spent a lot of money just getting the little things that make a house feel like a home, like curtains (that I never put up) and wall art and extra sheets for beds.  Plus the usual - food, clothes, toys.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new car. My new sewing machine.  Seeing my old high school friends on holidays.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2014?
Quiet Company's We Are All Where We Belong.  A former Christian's "coming out atheist" album.  I understood every single word he wrote.

(You can listen to it here for free!)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Though I've had some short periods of sadness encroaching upon depression, in general, I've had a much happier year this year.  Exercise has been a large part of that.  And while leaving Christianity came with a lot of pain, the freedom from it has given me so much more happiness.
thinner or fatter? Thinner! Yay!! I have gone down two sizes!
richer or poorer? Richer, thanks to my rockstar of a husband who works super hard and is super smart and has done super well in his new job here. And my little part time job helps too.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Socialize. I've made a few friends this year, but I've been so inside my own head that I haven't made a big enough effort to see them more regularly. Plus, between mornings at the gyms and afternoons cleaning in the house while Jaguar sleeps, there hasn't been a lot of time for socialization.

Also, I wish I'd read more books.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watch Netflix. But I'll probably watch just as much next year. (Just being honest!)

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Well, I picked up a stomach bug a couple of days before Christmas, so our family brunch was postponed until New Year's Day.  A week before Christmas, we celebrated with my dad and step-mom, and on Christmas morning, the kids opened their presents here at home.  That night, I was feeling better, but Scott and two of the kids were then feeling rotten, so I went over to my aunt's for the extended family Christmas dinner.  A lot of the plans I had for Christmas and Christmas Eve never happened, which I was upset about, but in general, we still had a good holiday.  I'm happy now to have all the Christmas stuff put away for another year and to have my house back.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
We've reverted to Skype for talking to my in-laws in Scotland, so probably this year, I've spent the most time on the phone with my friend Devon, who even in this Information Age of texting and email, still enjoys shooting the breeze over the phone! Which is kind of retro and nice.

22. What's your best memory from 2014?
When Andy and Marion (my in-laws) came to visit at the beginning of the year. I hadn't seen Andy in six months, so it was really, really great to see them again.  They are the best in-laws I could ever have asked for.  It was wonderful spending time with them. The best memory from those weeks was sitting up late one night, drinking good whisky and laughing hysterically about everything and anything, everyone's cheeks getting pinker and pinker with good old Scotch merriment!  It's hard to believe now almost a full year has passed without seeing them. I used to see them two or three times a week. I miss them.

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
I think I've just learned to be a better person this year.  I've learned that in order for anything to ever get better, we are going to have to actually do something about it. I can't sit back and hope someone else does something, but I myself must take action.  I don't necessarily mean in big things, though I think we all have our part to play in the big stuff, but even in the small things - keeping a friend's kids so they can get out, donating money or time to tornado relief, bringing someone groceries when they are sick, writing a little note to encourage someone.  All the little things that take so little of me but give so much to someone else.

I used to rely on prayer. Now I rely on me.

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Hmm... I'd probably need to scan through my old Netflix views! I can't remember what I watched earlier in the year, but in the past month I've been watching the cheesiest show ever, Monarch of the Glen.  Makes me miss Scotland, even though the show is nothing like the Scotland I lived in!

Black Mirror, by the way, is gut-punchingly incredible.

26. What was the best book(s) you read? What books would you like to read in the next year?
I read several books by Bart Ehrman which were interesting.  I read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which I highly recommend! I joined a book club and read some interesting books there, like Gone Girl and The Rosie Project.  I'm currently re-reading (for the sixth or seventh time) The Chrysalids by John Wyndham.

Next year, I need to read 41 by George W Bush since I got it for Christmas from my dad... as long as he reads Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, which I got him! I'd also like to re-read Silence by Shusako Endo, Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner and Daniel Martin by John Fowles. Any other book recommendations will gladly be taken!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am ashamed to have gotten into very little new music this year.  In fact, pretty much all the new music I've "discovered" has been pop/R&B from my fitness classes.  And that's nothing to brag about.

My old friend Massey and I have been chatting on Facebook about music though, and he's introduced me to a few new songs and bands that I need to spend a little more time getting into, if I can just find the time!
28. What did you want and get?
Last year's answer: A cat.
This year's answer: Another cat.

Also a car!

29. What did you want and not get?
To move away. (Insert a wink, even though, I'm for reals.)

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Do parents actually get to see films?  I think we saw a couple. That one with Johnny Depp and the artificial intelligence was good.  Transcendence, that's the one.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't think I actually did anything on my birthday this year (32), but at some point after it my family and I went out for Indian food to celebrate.  Scott got me a sewing machine!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the Republicans hadn't won everything in the last election.
If Hobby Lobby had lost their court case.
If Fayetteville hadn't repealed their ban on discrimination. (I don't even live there anymore.)
If the AR Supreme Court had made a ruling regarding the ban on same-sex marriage (and that ruling had been to declare it unconstitutional.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Up until the October Dress Project, I was still dressing pretty ordinary, in jeans or trousers and t-shirts, or gym wear.  But ODP made me really want to enjoy looking nice again, so even though my wardrobe is still pretty sparse and mostly made up of handmedowns and clearance rack items, I've tried recently to up my appearance by dressing a little more interestingly, accessorizing with belts and scarves and hats and footwear.

She says, as she types this in her pink bunny pajamas at 2pm.

34. What kept you sane?
Working out. Kickboxing, Cardio Dance, Zumba, with the occasional Power Pump, Pilates and Step classes.

35. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
In February, our Seattle friends Jonathan and Sarah, along with their two little munchkins, came to Arkansas to visit us.  Considering Jonathan always said he'd never step foot in Arkansas, it was pretty special that they came out to visit us!

Then on Jaguar's birthday, my brother- and sister-in-law surprised us with a visit from their Texan family. It was great to meet our little nephew and to have the girls all together again.  It was great to see them all. It was really special.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year's answer will still continue to be this year's answer: Health care and same-sex marriage.  Add in separation of church and state.

37. Who did you miss?
I still miss so many of my Scottish friends and family. I always will. I've really missed my Craft Night Girls, Heather, Paula and Elaine, who were always the ones I went to when I needed to talk shit through.  It's been lonely without that.

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
Despite the way I make it sound, I have actually met a lot of really awesome people.  The girls from the book club are all awesome.  The girls I've met at work are all awesome.  My across-the-street neighbor Amy was awesome... but they moved to Texas (boo!).  The girls I've met at the gym are awesome.  But my top, number one people - who I really didn't meet this year, but have gotten to know better this year - are Elizabeth and Mandy. There's some kindred-spirit crap in there somewhere with those two.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr Seuss

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
I could probably just quote the entire Quiet Company's We Are All Where We Belong, but I'll settle on just a couple quotes from here and there throughout the album.

"The river's wide, that I could not swim across it, so I convinced myself I'd walked upon the waves, but I don't want to waste my life.  I wanted to feel as saved as they do, but the more I live, the harder to believe that their god above knows the first thing about love or goes along with every rule they make up. I don't want to waste my life, thinking about the afterlife." -from "The Confessor"

"I was screaming out your name. I guess you never heard me, but I was screaming it for years, and I think I deserve a reason for why you've been so elusive. Now I've been thinking about my life and I can't believe that I have wasted so much time trying to be what everyone loves, the prodigal son returning. Oh what a sight, the prodigal son returning." -from "The Easy Confidence"

"Hey kids, tell them what you really think. Think it over. This is your life, don't ignore it. This could be your only chance to repent so get off your knees and adore it, the responsibility of empathy." -from "Preaching to the Choir Invisible, Part II"

And it's not a song lyric, but this little quote has been blowing my mind all year long:

"The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. 

We are made of starstuff." -Carl Sagan