Know My Own Strength

"You're a strong woman. Act like it."

These are the words I said to my reflection in the bathroom mirror a couple of days ago. Staring back at myself, I looked into my own eyes, pointed my finger at my reverse image and told myself it's time.

There have been days lately where I've felt like an Elizabethan criminal, being torn apart in four different directions by four horses. There have been days I've felt literally unable to go on, that my life had fallen apart so irreparably that my heart was simply going to stop beating. There have been days where the biggest struggle of my life were getting out of bed, putting on clean clothes and eating a Pop Tart, much less go to work and perform at my best. There have been days where I've actually considered Googling "Can you go blind from crying too much?"  (I haven't Googled it yet. I'm just hoping no.)

But it's time for all of that to stop. I'm a strong woman. It's time to act like it.

I'm not saying the grieving period has to be over. Grieving does its own thing and operates in its own time. There is no rushing the grieving process and no reason to try to do so. But wallowing has a shelf life, and that shelf life has expired.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past several months. I've learned that I can be arrogant and smug. I've learned that I can be horribly selfish. I've learned that I make mistakes and am no better than anyone else. (In truth, none of these things were truly new insights; I've always been my own harshest critic and have always seen myself as so far from perfect that it's plunged me into despair. But I have learned these things about myself in new ways recently.)  I've also learned that I haven't always been as independent as I thought myself. I've learned I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I've learned that I have an anxiety about solitude that is unhealthy. And I've learned that sometimes the people you thought were your closest friends are not, and ones you never thought would come through, do.

But I've also learned that I am strong and have more strength than I realize. I just have to believe it.

For the past four or five Octobers, having done the October Dress Project, I've emerged with a "theme" for the upcoming year - a word or phrase that sums up what I want to work on for the next 365 days. I didn't do ODP last year and never developed a theme for 2017. But I'm seeing a few themes emerge organically - healing and self-love.

This year, that's my goal. I have a lot of things from my life I need to heal from, and I need to grow to love myself by myself. I need to learn that from here on out, there is no one looking out for me except myself and therefore, I've got to be my own biggest fan and supporter.

A co-worker who has been divorced herself told me that after her divorce she committed to a year of loving herself. She didn't date anyone - didn't even entertain the thought - and just grew to know and love herself. She said it was the best thing she'd ever done, and now in her relationships she'll never be as vulnerable as she'd been in her first.

I've decided to do this as well, including making a commitment this year of getting out of my comfort zone, discovering who I am and what I like, and developing a genuine strength that goes deeper than just a thick outer shell. I have decided not to date or even think about dating for the rest of the year, so that I can focus on getting to know myself and my own needs. As I've grown older, I've become like an egg - hard on the outside but easily broken. I want to be more like a tree. Steadfast even at its core, but living, growing and changing, accepting the seasons of life with dignity and grace. Whether flowering or barren, it is unwavering.

I'm overcoming my fear of planning and doing things alone. I am taking back the power to decide how I feel rather than let others control that. I am giving myself space to make mistakes and be imperfect. I am learning to celebrate my wins instead of obsess over my losses. I am protecting my heart and identifying who I can truly trust and who it's okay to just be ordinary friends with (and who needs to go completely). 

This is going to be a long hike. It's going to take more than just one year; it will likely be a recurring, lifelong series of steps forwards and backwards. But the journey starts here, and it starts with these specific landmarks:

- I ran/walked (mostly walked) a half marathon, and I wasn't even the last person to cross the finish line! Thanks to the support and shared agony (the following evening was brutal) of my friend Elizabeth, I was able to cross this item off my bucket list. Crossing that finish line was a huge personal accomplishment for me, but more about the half marathon to come in another post.

- I am going to start camping again. Both with others but more importantly alone. I've always loved camping with friends, but I've never gone alone. Under the tutelage of my friend Chris (one of those unforeseen friends who has emerged as genuinely there for me no matter what) and his gorgeous wife Stacy, I'm going to learn how to camp alone (safely) and find peace within myself and in nature.

- I'm buying single tickets to events I really want to go to. I bought one ticket to see Quiet Company in Dallas the same weekend I'll be in Dallas to see Tripping Daisy. I have a spare Tripping Daisy ticket, but if I don't find anyone to go with me, I'll go alone to that too. 

(I almost bought a ticket to see David Sedaris in Little Rock next month, but upon checkout the $25 ticket turned into a $40 ticket after all the service fees. I haven't decided yet if David Sedaris - as much as I like his books - is worth $40 of my precious now-single income...)

- I bought a day planner, and I'm committing to things for myself and not just for other people. Someone else said recently that if something goes in his day planner, he's committed to it and does it. I didn't agree at first, but now that I have a day planner myself, I get it. I've set aside days to go hiking  or out of town and days to treat myself. And I'm sticking to them, because I'm worth my own time and commitment as much as anyone is worth it. I don't make a habit of cancelling on other people, so why would I cancel on myself?

I'm excited about my year of self-love and healing. I'm excited to nurture good friendships and make new ones. I'm looking forward to spending some time on my own, learning to love myself and care for myself. I'm throwing out my shame boomerang - the inclination to constantly replay and remind myself of my mistakes and my shortfalls and my errors over and over and over, no matter how many times I try to move past them. I'm going to try new things and find peace and contentment in my own company.

This is going to be a good year for me, in spite of all the sadness. I'm going to come out of this thing stronger and whole. I am a strong woman, and I'm going to act like it.

Bucket List Revisited

When you're a kid, a year is practically an eternity. There is no guarantee you will even survive to see another birthday, because it is soooo far away.

Then, as we all know, the years begin to speed by until they all blur into one. I was surprised this past year to realize I was turning 34 not 33.  So I made a bucket list of 34 things I wanted to do before I turned 35.  It all seemed reasonable; I had a year after all!

And yet here I am, well past the halfway mark, and my bucket list is far from halfway accomplished.

Here's what I've accomplished so far:

1. Read 34 new books: It's hard to believe that according to my log, I've only read nine books since April. Is that true? That's depressing.

2. Visit a new city: This has actually worked out pretty nicely.  Since April, I've been to Tacoma, WA for the first time (to visit my dear friend Sarah on a girls-only weekend). I went to New Orleans, LA with Scott for the wedding of Vlad and Isis. I visited Denver, CO with Scott, Jonathan and Sarah for a whirlwind weekend trip just us grown-ups. And finally, with my new job, I've been visiting lots of new cities, most notably, Oklahoma City.  I've definitely got this one covered. Check.

3. Order a dirty martini: How have I not managed this one? Who's up for a drink over Christmas break?

4. Get a cleaner in at least once: Not yet.

5. Do something rebellious: The original #5 was "Commit 34 crimes" because it seemed funny. I won't confirm or deny the committal of any crimes, but sure, I'll admit to being "rebellious" instead. No details though. Check.

6. Pick back up an old hobby or interest: I've tried to pick up a few hobbies but haven't been successful at them sticking. I have very little free time for hobbies, but I have done a little bit of sewing and painting and poetry writing. I'm still going to say check though, for the attempt.

7. Visit the beach: Sarah and I went to the beach in Tacoma. Check.

8.Get rid of 34 things:  According to my log, I've gotten rid of six things. 28 to go...

9. Try a new, exotic food: Mmm, not yet. Any suggestions? (Not sushi.)

10. Do something politically active: With the political climate in the US what it is right now, I'm afraid if I do anything politically active, I'll get shot. So if we can just consider voting in both the primaries and the general election me being politically active? And perhaps listening to Hamilton the Musical and Hamilton Mixtape nonstop? Check?

11. Read the US Constitution: Not yet.

12. Donate to a new cause: Why yes. Since April, I've donated to several new causes on top of my usual monthly ones (Lucie's Place, Femme International, Doctors Without Borders and our local NPR station). I have now sent my support to the Human Rights Campaign, Hearts & Hooves, The One, Inc., The 1LT Tom Martin Memorial Foundation, Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign (as well as Bernie Sanders') and the American Red Cross. All of which I recommend you donate to as well! (Except the two presidential campaigns of course.) Check.

13. Create 34 original things: I've created four things: a painting, a few hooded baby towels, a picture frame, and a poem. 30 to go.

14. Sing a showtune at a karaoke bar: This *almost* happened in Denver with Sarah, Jonathan and Scott, but I chickened out. ME. I have no idea why I did this. I have not stopped regretting it since. "Another Suitcase in Another Hall" is just waiting for me to belt out and bring tears to every eye in the room.

15. Go on an adventure with husband: I feel like counting New Orleans or Denver for this one would be a cop-out. So not yet.

16. Build a coop to raise chickens: Not yet.

17. Learn how to wolf whistle: Not yet.

18. Write or mail 34 letters or parcels: If I had just gotten out my Christmas cards this year, I might've been able to accomplish this in one fell swoop. But I've sent a total of one card this year. Yeesh.

19. Complete Trailhead Admin training: Not yet, and probably never now, since I no longer work with Salesforce anymore.

20. Play a video game: Does Pokemon Go count? Yes? Okay good. Check. Phew. 

21. Protest against or march for something: But what if I get killed by a crazed Trump supporter?

22. Take kids on a surprise trip: Not yet. 

23. Publish a book: Not yet. But it's in the works.

24. Climb a mountain: Can I wait until spring?

25. Get hot stone massage: Hey, yes! I did this. It was nice, but I prefer a deep tissue massage. Check.

26. Join a group:  I wonder if starting a new job counts, since I'm in a new "group" of people? No? Not really? Boo.

27. Get Lasix: Nope, and my courage has definitely faltered regarding this.

28. Paint a picture: I painted a willow tree for Scott. So check.

29. Buy a house: Nope.

30. Get a tattoo: Since April, I've gotten three tattoos. Scott and I got carbon atoms on our forearms first. Then I got an outline of Arkansas and Scotland on my ribcage.  And a few weeks ago, I got a stack of books on shoulder blade.  I love all of them, but the books might be my favorite tattoo of ALL. Check.

31. Run a race: I am still registered for a half marathon in March. I'm now thinking I need to downgrade to a 10k. Even that seems far fetched right now though...
  

32. See a play: Scott and I went to see Twelve Angry Men at The Weekend Theater in Little Rock. There are so many other plays I'd like to see too! But we've seen at least one, so check.

33. Read Macbeth: Currently reading. Just finished the third act.

34. Throw a party: Haven't yet, but there's still time.

The takeaway from all of this is that time runs away from us way too fast and trying to accomplish all of these things in one year ought to be easy, but so far, I'm finding it hard. With my new job taking up all my energy, spare time is something I haven't had the luxury of experiencing lately, to the extent that I haven't even blogged in over a month. I should really make a point of doing some things that do not involve work. I recognize that I'm becoming a workaholic.

So when given the option of training for the half marathon or taking a nap, I just tend to lean towards the nap. But saying that, a dirty martini or hiring a cleaner should absolutely fit into my need for relaxation.

I'll try to blog more too.

Half Out of My Mind

A couple of weeks ago I did something kind of stupid. It was one of those things where someone talks you into doing something you know deep down is a stupid thing to do, but the person makes it sound so fun that you buy into the enthusiasm of the moment and just go for it. No thought, no consequences, JUST DO IT like Nike.

A younger me got caught up in these situations often, like throwing fireworks into the church campgrounds in Kilmacolm or mooning the security cameras in Yocum Hall or rolling the Anschutz' house even though Mr Anschutz was rumored to be the dad who would run you off his lawn pointing his rifle at you. It all seemed like a really good idea at the time.

This time, however, it wasn't my rambunctious friends convincing me to make wild, spontaneous, devil-may-care decisions. No, this time it was my dad.

I blame it all on him. As a kid, I desperately wanted his approval. As a teenager - well, we'll skip those years. As a college student, I wanted him to be proud of me. As an adult, I still can't shake the childish need to impress him. Maybe that's why I let him peer pressure me into this.

In his defense, I did start the conversation. It's been on my bucket list to run a race before I turn 35. My dad's a runner and a cyclist and has been nudging me to do a race with him for a couple of years. I brought the subject up, suggesting I might register for a 10k at some point.  But when he converted that to a number I could understand, and I realized that was only 6.2 miles, that just wasn't really any kind of a challenge. It would be too easy. I figured I could just about manage that now with zero training. So I let him talk up how great the Little Rock Half Marathon is, how great the trail is, how it's a perfect time of year to run. His enthusiasm began to rub off on me, and I began to think, "I can do this!"

And that's how he convinced me to sign up for a half marathon.

Half. Marathon. 13.1 miles.

What was I thinking?! I signed up to run a half marathon. I am not a runner! I do not enjoy running. I do not like to run. Why would I agree to run a half marathon?!

But I did. I signed up to run the race with my dad. I paid the registration fee. I ordered one of those water bottle packs that go around your waist and an armband thingie for my phone. I'm ready to go! Let's do this! I thought.

Until the next morning, when it dawned on me. I just paid money to put myself through utter, intense misery. 

I decided to ignore the nagging feeling that I'd gotten conned into doing something very stupid. I managed to ignore what I'd done until my dad texted me earlier this week to ask how my training was going. My response: ellipses. Training? Ha! The very thought of going for a run made me want to eat a donut and take a long nap on the couch with episodes of Gilmore Girls running in the background.

But the shaming worked. (Well played, Dad.) Dad's text, along with a little additional motivational shaming from my husband, pushed me to take the next step towards checking this item off my bucket list: begin training.

I decided tonight's the night. Wednesdays and Thursdays and one day on the weekend will be my training days. Tonight, after a 9 hour day at work, I came home, made a shepherd's pie from scratch (and by "shepherd", I just mean "cowherd" because beef is cheaper than lamb), helped the kids get into bed, and then I took off to the gym with my water bottle and Hamilton the Musical on my phone. My goal was to do four miles - whether I ran or walked, it didn't matter. Four miles.

I admit I did try to change my goal last minute ("How about four miles OR an hour, whichever comes first?"), but Scott gave me that shaming look again. Okay, fine. Four miles.

I got to the gym and started the treadmill. I almost chose one of the "performance" settings but rationalized that this being my first return to the gym after about two months, I'd better take it easy. I set a decent, cool pace and a flat trail and started jogging along to the genius rhymes of Lin-Manuel's account of our country's first Treasury Secretary.

I did my first mile in 15 minutes and five seconds. My second mile was complete before the 15 minute mark. Hey, I can do this! Two miles in under 30 minutes!

My third mile came in just over 15 minutes. But I was exhausted. My legs were burning. My lungs were aching. My stomach was threatening to hand me back my cowherd's pie. I slowed down but kept going. Four miles! I can do this! Almost there!

The last mile was painful, but I pushed through. If I'm honest, my secret goal was really to finish four miles in one hour. But as the hour ticked down to five minutes remaining, I knew I was unlikely to meet that goal. I picked up my pace, hoping to outrun the clock, but it was too much. I pulled my fourth mile in at 2 minutes and 10 seconds over an hour. I have never been so grateful for the cool down function on the treadmill in my life.

However, as I leaned over the handlebars gasping for breath and trying not to pass out in front of the hot, muscly guy running next to me, I realized that I just run almost a quarter of a half marathon. On my first night of training for a race that is still five months away. I can do this. I can do this!

#GymSelfie! Start of run - End of run ...

So at the end of the day, I still think I'd have preferred Dad talking me into going cow-tipping over running a half marathon, but maybe, just maybe, this will be okay too.

You better be proud of me when I cross that finish line, old man!

34 Bucket List

Today is my birthday. Yay!

Today I turned 34, and I have decided that next year will be my last birthday. No, I'm not planning on topping myself next year, I've just decided 35 is the age I shall remain for all eternity. I can do that, right?

So to prepare for my very last birthday, I have put together my bucket list for the year 34.

My birthday present to myself: A year of living life to the fullest. 

1. Read 34 new books

2. Visit a new city

3. Order a dirty martini

4. Get a cleaner in at least once

5. Do something rebellious

6. Pick back up an old hobby or interest

7. Visit the beach

8.Get rid of 34 things

9. Try a new, exotic food

10. Do something politically active

11. Read the US Constitution

12. Donate to a new cause

13. Create 34 original things

14. Sing a showtune at a karaoke bar

15. Go on an adventure with husband

16. Build a coop to raise chickens

17. Learn how to wolf whistle

18. Write or mail 34 letters or parcels

19. Complete Trailhead Admin training

20. Play a video game

21. Protest against or march for something

22. Take kids on a surprise trip

23. Publish a book

24. Climb a mountain

25. Get hot stone massage

26. Join a group

27. Get Lasix

28. Paint a picture

29. Buy a house

30. Get a tattoo

31. Run a race

32. See a play

33. Read Macbeth

34. Throw a party

Happy birthday to me!

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and helped make it so in many different ways - by sending me flowers at work (kids and Scott), surprising me with cake and a card during a training session (my Communications team), paying for me to get a massage (Mom and David), a still-to-be-opened pressie (Dad and Denise), surprising me with a gift at my birthday dinner (Matt and Charity), celebrating my birthday dinner (lots of people), celebrating my co-birthday lunch (Scott, Elizabeth, Daniel, Mandy, and Jared, the co-birthday boy), a stack of really awesome-looking books (Andy and Marion, my in-laws), giving me a free hair wash, dry and style (my stylist, Kristin), and *really* surprising me with a very unexpected birthday present, a new laptop (Scott!), not to mention all the people who have texted and Facebooked me happy birthday messages today (lots of family and friends). Love to all of you. xx