September Challenges and October Projects and Nothing In Between

"Scotland Forever"

I know I've been rather quiet around here for a couple weeks. It comes down to one reason, really...

I'm still broken up about the Scottish No vote against independence.

I kind of just didn't have anything worth saying after that sad, disappointing result. Yet on that same day, Scott and I celebrated ten years of marriage. I should have lots to say about that! But we were both feeling pretty lousy about Scotland, and I just haven't had the heart to write much of anything since. Pathetic, I know.

Things I could've written about in the meantime:

1. Scottish independence. Obviously. But I just can't.
2. Our anniversary. We are still very happily married, by the way. But we didn't actually get to do much for the actual event, although my mom and stepdad did keep the kids overnight so we could go stay in their camper at the lake for a night, which was wonderful, though uneventful, which is exactly what we both needed.
3. My old BFF's wedding, which is also the reason we didn't get to do anything for our anniversary, because we spent that weekend travelling to Nashville with the family instead. No regrets though, the wedding was beautiful, and I was so glad to be there. It was a great wee family holiday too, and we'll have other opportunities to celebrate our anniversary another time!
4. Our last minute overnight trip to Fayetteville, just me and Scott, to see some bands at my old college hangout/workplace. It was so much fun to do something last minute and unplanned and all college-studenty, but at the end of the day, there wasn't actually much to say about it. I saw a lot of old friends, most of whom didn't recognize me until I introduced myself, so you know, that.


I could've but didn't write about any of those things, and I probably at this point won't. But I will write about these two things:

1. The September Shopping Challenge
2. The October Dress Project


First of all, the September Shopping Challenge. Did anyone else participate? I didn't post much about it this month, because honestly, it's not that interesting to read about and also because it was sort of half failure/ half success all month long. There were a couple of weeks, especially at the beginning where I rocked it; I didn't spend any money, I didn't do any mid-week shopping, and I was fully in control of my purchases on my allotted shopping days. Then there were days and weekends that were totally shot. After all, three weekends this month were spent out of town, and only one was pre-planned (Nashville wedding). We tried to do everything extremely cheaply, but as far as the September Shopping Challenge went, they were still technically fails.

It got me thinking though, and I promise this is all I'll talk about in regards to this challenge, because really, I know it's not fun to read about, about how good the challenge was while I was succeeding at it. I liked always knowing how much money we had and I liked the feeling of control I felt by not spending money unnecessarily. I liked seeing how much we were saving. A little idea started swirling around in my head, and I've decided to go for it, win or lose, success or fail...

I'm going to do the One Year Shopping Challenge.

For a whole year I'm going to try to abide by my September shopping rules:

1. Only shopping one day a week.
2. No eating out if it isn't planned.
3. Put money in savings.
4. Conserve petrol.
5. No impulse buys.
6. Plan ahead with birthday presents and cards.

I know that if I intend to do this for a full year, I'm going to have to expect the rules to bend and break. For example, this month, I was invited to lunch last minute with a new friend. Making new friends has been hard since I've moved here, and to refuse the invitation just to satisfy some inconsequential rules would have been ridiculous. So of course I went, and I had a great time. The good thing was, because I'd been conserving money and not impulse buying, I knew I had the money to go without guilt.

I also realize that I'll probably forget some birthdays until the last minute, or not feel like cooking some nights and want to just order pizza instead. It's just going to happen over a twelve month period - of course it will. However, if I've been abiding by the rules all the rest of the time, then little slips and blips won't matter. It's an overall lifestyle I'd like to create for myself. I've lived on a budget basically my whole adult life, yet I still feel like I have little control over my everyday spending.

It's not that we are broke. We are actually in a far better place now, here in the US, than we ever were in the UK. (Props to the husband for kicking total ass at his new job.) But like the saying goes, people don't get rich by spending money. I certainly don't care about getting rich, but I'd sure love to save up enough money to take the family back to Scotland on holiday sometime soon (even if I am disappointed in you, Scotland) or make a down payment on a house some day.

So that's my plan. I may not write about it much here; maybe just a once a month update, especially if anyone else decides to take the challenge with me. If anything, an update will simply be for noting to myself what my pitfalls have been and how to manage them better next month.


The other topic I'll write about today is the October Dress Project. This will be my third year taking part. I learned my lesson last year about trying to get too creative with my "canvas" and I've gone back to a simple black number this year, giving me a far greater range of possibilities. I'm really looking forward to it; I love this dress and how it looks on me and how versatile it is. My biggest challenge this year will be working around my gym activities. I try to go to the gym four-five days a week, and, sorry if this grosses you out, I usually stay in my sweaty gym clothes most of the day. It'll be a challenge to come home, shower and get dressed up at midday, knowing I'll probably never see anyone for the rest of the day. The gym is pretty much my main social outlet. I guess it just means I'll need to rev up my friend-time this month, so I won't be dressing in vain. Ha. New friends, I'll be calling you to hang out and do (free) stuff together this month! This dress is going to make me social again if it kills me.

It'll also get me blogging again which is, like, yay. I need this.

If you're interested, here are links to 2012 and 2013's ODPs.

Anyone want to do the October Dress Project with me too?

One Year Later: Throwback Thursday

I guess I should say something about this.

Today marks one full year we've been in Arkansas.

On June 17th, 2013, we stayed up well into the early hours of the 18th finalizing our packing - re-weighing all our suitcases, re-evaluating WHAT we packed, double checking all our documents, and eating chicken pakora and drinking Diet Irn Bru with family: Kate, Faisal, Adam, Andy and Marion. The girls slept on the one mattress still in our house. Jaguar, Scott and I slept on the floor on blankets getting taken the next day to the charity shop. The only things in the house besides that mattress and our suitcases were a few boxes of things to be delivered by Scott's parents to various places the next day and a few boxes of things the family was keeping for us until we would be able to bring it over to America at a later date.

On June 18th, 2013, Scott and I, our three kids, and Scott's mum Marion drove early to the airport with Scott's Dad, Kate, Faisal and Adam. We ate overpriced bagels in a coffee shop at the airport. We cried and hugged and said our last goodbyes. We boarded the plane and flew to America.

We should've arrived in Arkansas that night, but our flight had a problem. There were massive thunderstorms in Philadelphia, our port of entry. Our plane circled for a few nauseating turbulent hours, before running low on fuel. We were redirected to Baltimore to refuel, where we sat in an un-air conditioned plane on a hanger for an hour and a half, not knowing what was happening, everyone panicking about their connections. Fifinally we flew back to Philadelphia to an empty airport. Everyone who missed connections were given hotel and food vouchers.

We, however, with our twelve suitcases, had to wait for another hour or so in that empty airport, with staff giving us odd, suspicious looks, while Scott went through his Port of Entry Immigration procedure. Fifinally, he emerged from the immigration room with the final stamp of approval from the US government and a green card, and we lugged our suitcases and children (thank goodness Marion was traveling with us!) out to the curb to wait for a shuttle to take us to the hotel. We had to get twelve suitcases onto the tiny shuttle. It was almost midnight EST, which was 6am our body clocks' time. We'd been awake for over 24 hours.

We got to the hotel and unloaded twelve suitcases. We checked in. We took twelve suitcases up the elevator and rolled them down the hall to our two rooms, where we had to fit them all. Scott and I ordered dinner for everyone, our food vouchers barely covering the price of even half our meals. A glass of wine was almost $10. We managed to crawl in bed around 1am. We had to wake up at 4am to catch the shuttle to the airport to board our newly booked flights.

Three hours later, on June 19th, 2013, we woke up and rolled twelve suitcases down the hall, down the elevator, out the door and back onto a tiny shuttle. We took twelve suitcases and three children off the shuttle and into the airport where we waited in the check-in line. The woman did not have proof that we had purchased those six extra cases and thank heavens I'd shoved the receipt from the day before into my handbag, or she'd have made us pay another $600 to get them on the flight. We boarded a flight to Little Rock, Arkansas.

At about 10am, we arrived in our new home state. My mom and step-dad were waiting for us. With two extra adults to help us, we loaded twelve suitcases, three children and five adults into two cars. We pulled into my parents' driveway. We talked for a few minutes and then fell fast asleep.



We've been here one year. Within that one year, Scott and our children successfully immigrated to America, Scott got a job, I started a business and got a job, Fifi started a new school and Girl Scouts, Lolly started and completed a homeschool program, we got a house (rental) and a car, our kids played two seasons of soccer, Jaguar learned to walk and say a few words, we got two cats, made several friends, visited Seattle, WA, and countless other things that I'm sure will start popping into my head as soon as I hit 'publish'. It's been a long, eventful year. It's been really wonderful at times and really sad at others. Over all, we are happy. We know we made the right choice. While we have no intention of staying in central Arkansas forever, this is where we are right now, and slowly I'm learning to be okay with it, happy even.

It's been kind of an emotional few days as I've reminisced over what these days were like one year ago. We said a lot of sad goodbyes and a lot of excited hellos all in a matter of days. But when I think of where we've already come in just the space of 365 days, I'm amazed. Life is good. We are good. And it's only going to get better.

Special Things - Part 2

A few months ago, I posted some pictures of Special Things that Scott and I chose to keep when we moved to the US from Scotland. I promised a Part 2 of some other special things we kept. I've been waiting until I got a few of these things framed (the tea towels) before posting, but this weekend I went on a bit of a frame splurge and got them up. Now I just need to get frames for our family portraits, and I'll be just about done!

So first, the tea towels.


Technically, only the first one (the blue one) came over with us from Scotland. Only about six months before moving here, I became really good friends with Sheila. Our daughters were in the Gaelic nursery together and had become best friends. Since we were constantly getting the kids together after nursery (along with Robyn and Laura and their daughters), Sheila and I got to know each other really well. And I loved her to death. She was one of those people you just automatically click with and after only a few weeks, I felt like I could trust her with anything. It was really hard having to leave her after only just getting to know each other, really hard. She came over for weeks prior to our move to help me clear out each room of my house, take trips to the dump, and clean. Before I moved, she gave me a gorgeous tartan handbag (the kind I'd been wanting ever since I first visited Scotland with TMI, unbeknownst to her) and this blue Scottish foods tea towel.

Since moving, she's been the person I've kept in touch the most with, via cards and packages. Lolly and her daughter send each other drawings and little gifts all the time, and often we include a little something ourselves for each other. The red Tunnocks Tea Cake LOVE towel was one of the gifts she sent me. They are so adorable, I couldn't bear to use them, so I framed them. They are now in my living room.

The next framed item is also a tea towel. This one came from Robyn, another nursery friend. Like I said, our daughters all loved to play together and were best friends. Robyn knows I have a thing for moustaches, and she sent this to me after I moved here. So technically it didn't come over with us, but it's classified as a special thing that reminds me of her whenever I see it. It too was too nice to be used, so I finally framed it and hung it in Jaguar's moustache room.


Sorry about the flash, I didn't realize it had reflected so badly, but it's in Jaguar's room, and he's asleep, so no retakes tonight.

FYI, regarding all the tea towels, they are of such odd dimensions, no standard frame fit perfectly, so there is about six inches missing of each from framed image. Oh well.


Again, poor image, sorry. This is a painting I framed a while ago and have hanging in my living room. It's a painting of the Cloch Light House in Gourock, given to me and Fifi from my friend Debbie and her son who was in Fifi's class at school. I love it. I love all the things that remind me of Greenock (and Greenock friends).

Such as this.


In the previous post about special things, I showed a picture of two little angels from Mollie and Rosie, girls I childminded. This little tile was from them too for Jaguar. It's a painting of the Waverly, which can be seen (and ridden) along the Clyde past Greenock. The tile hangs on Jaguar's wall next to his birthday banner.


Also hanging in Jaguar's room, on the post of his bed, this little plaque was a gift from our friend from church Val when Jaguar was born. It was one of my favourite gifts. I was terrified it would break in the move, but thanks to about a meter of bubble wrap, it survived. Jaguar IS a real cute cookie, if you ask me!


Moving out of Jaguar's room and into the kitchen, I have this glass painting by our friend Lorna. Lorna was one of the first people I met, though it took a few years for us to get really acquainted (it happened once I started going to her church), and there is literally no one I know on this planet with a bigger, more selfless heart. And when Lorna's around, there's going to be laughter. I don't know anyone else who has so many random, weird things happen to her, but if it's random and weird, it will happen to Lorna. I mean, do YOU know anyone who on more than one occasion has found a stray sheep wandering around her living room?

Lorna used to invite the girls over for sleepovers at her house, and she always prepared really exciting adventures for them. Leaving Lorna was hard for all of us. The girls called her Auntie Lorna, because that's pretty much what she was. Lorna had started getting into glass painting, and before she moved, she gave us this treasure. It hangs above the counter in our kitchen. I love that she put in the effort of looking up the Arkansas state flag to add to the painting - along with the face magnets we used to have on our chores board that she glued to the airplane!

Fifinally, the last photo, also in our kitchen, my green and white pottery bowls and a card in a frame.


The card, which reads Children are the flowers of life was sent to us by my sister-in-law Rebekkah some time ago. I love homemade cards and usually keep them for a time, but this one was really beautiful. I loved it so much, it deserved to be framed. I found the white ornate frame which matched the ornate card so well, and put it in the girls' room in Scotland. It moved over with us and now decorates the top of my baking rack in the kitchen.

The three stackable bowls are possibly my favourite things ever. These were made by my dear friend Maria's own hands in her pottery studio. They were among her first pieces she made, and according to her, they have flaws, but I see only beauty. She gave them to me as a going away present. I decorated my entire kitchen around them. I use them for special occasions only, and the rest of the time, they keep my kitchen pretty. There are some matching green candlesticks in the living room too, but I need to find a new place for them; my cat knocked one off the shelf the other day and broke it. A little superglue will fix it, but I don't to risk any more breakages. These three bowls make me so happy, and I love telling guests where they came from. They always get a mention. I love that Maria is so talented. I am really proud to be her friend.

There are still a few other things scattered around the house, but most are in Fifi and Lolly's room, which I can't access right now (sleeping, yay!), so a Part 3 is still to come!

Scottish (and/or British) Words I Hope I'll Always Keep Using

There were a few American words I continued to use when I moved to Scotland, like "ya'll", "elevator" and "sidewalk". However, there are a lot of British words I still use, and to be honest, I hope I always use, at least around the house with Scott and the kids.

- petrol (gasoline)
- nappies (diapers)
- trolley (shopping cart)
- queue (line up)
- pram (baby buggy)
- chips (fries)
- crisps (chips)
- mobile (cell phone)
- cinema (movies)
- biscuit (cookie, cracker)
- bin (trash can)
- boot (trunk)
- hoover (vacuum)
- creche (nursery)
[Edited to add:] - pants (underwear) and trousers (pants). I just can't call trousers "pants" anymore without giggling like a school girl!


And I still insist my kids call me "mummy" instead of "mom" or "mommy".

There are also those incomparable uniquely Scottish words that I hope we never lose.

- numpty
- eejit
- drookit
- besom
- glaikit
- crabbit
- dour
- dreich
- tumshie
- blether
- aye

I'm sure there are others. There are some phrases I still like to use too and want to keep.

- At the end of the day (like saying, "when it's all said and done")
- It's all six and one half. (Six and half a dozen = It's all the same, one way or the other)
- It would be rude not to!
- As you do (Example: "I was walking down the street, as you do..." but more often used ironically, when it's not something you typically do. "So I was trying to trap this fox... as you do..."
- bits and bobs

And there's a few Gaelic phrases we still use. Fifi still likes to say her Gaelic grace before meals, and we still like to say:

- Mar sin leibh
- Tha gaol agam ort
- Madainn mhath

Fifinally, I still like our little Cockney rhyming slangs. I caught myself saying yesterday at soccer "I haven't had that in donkeys!" Makes total sense to me.

- donkey's (donkey's ears = years)
- [Haven't got a] Scooby (Scooby Doo = clue)
- [A cuppa] Rosie (Rosie Lee = tea. More of a father-in-law thing to say, but I use it from time to time.)
- On your Todd (Todd Sloan = alone)
- [Telling a] porky (porky pie = lie)

Scott says he's already finding himself switching over to American words, probably much the same way I switched over to British words quickly so as not to stand out like a sore thumb. (He still uses them around the house a lot, though, and he definitely gets more Scottish again when he's angry or agitated!) I, on the other hand, love the words I picked up in Scotland and don't want to lose them now. It's a decade of my life that I don't want to lose all traces of. I also like the idea of my kids growing up with their Scottish daddy (and non-Scottish mummy) using these phrases.

What are your favo(u)rite Scottishisms (or Britishisms)?

High School Musical

Last night, I took my two little girls to see Disney's Beauty & the Beast performed at my old high school. Though the Spring musical was held in the exact same fine arts building I used to perform in as a high schooler, the auditorium has been completely renovated since fifteen years ago into a genuinely exquisite theater.

My daughters and I, along with Devon and Liz, my two best buds from high school, and Devon's daughter, drove into the same parking lot I used to park in and walked the same footsteps I used to walk everyday into the building I spent my teenage life in.

The foyer is nothing like it was years ago, when the dingy carpets were brown and the three long steps crossing the foyer taking you up to the auditorium doors were perfect for sitting on to do homework or having gossip sessions, and the "box office" was just a folding table decorated with a plastic tablecloth. Now, there are real box office booths with glass windows for ticketing, and the building's structure is entirely different. Inside the auditorium, there is still the same incredibly large black stage with possibly the same red curtains, but the seats are now separated with aisles and rather than a couple of speakers and a light/sound board in the back row shut off with plywood walls, the sound booth is now a fully equipped media room in the balcony.

Despite looking so different, I was taken back years ago (when the budget was obviously not so generous), to the countless hours I spent practicing on that stage, watching performances in those seats, hall talks in those corridors and even a tornado warning lined up against those walls with books over our heads acting as very dubious protection should the roof by blown off.

My children, of course, did not have the same flood of memories. They ran around excited through the aisles to the seats we pointed them towards. Confusion and indecision broke out about who was sitting with whom, and we exchanged seats a dozen times before the kids were happy with their seating arrangements.

Mrs Tarvin - I'm allowed to call her Ashley now, even though it still seems a bit weird - said a few words before the play began. Ashley had been one of my Forensics coaches in high school, and hearing her speak, I still couldn't quite grasp the concept that she's not still my teacher.

The student pit band started up.

New memories rushed over me.

A few years ago, in Scotland, I asked my daughter's dance teacher about the local amateur dramatics groups, and how one gets involved. Scott and I had gone to the Arts Guild to see RENT, and I only discovered they were a local drama group when I heard the woman behind me say her co-worker was in the show. I realized then how much I missed acting and decided to find out more. Fifi's dance teacher, Linda, told me about a group that was soon holding auditions for Footloose, and I gathered up some (okay, a lot of) courage and auditioned. Little had I realized until that point just how much I had missed being on stage, and, well, that was me hooked. About a year later, the Greenock Light Opera Club (GLOC) did Beauty & the Beast. I had an absolute blast dancing around as a gold fork in some scenes, and singing savagely as an angry villager in others.


As the opening music filled the CHS theater, emitting from the same pit our fellow classmates used to play in, I was transported not only back in time but in space. I was in high school, I was in Scotland and I was right there with my wonderful daughters and friends, all at once.

The curtains opened and there on the stage was the Prince, being approached by the old peasant woman. (Considering I was half in Scotland at this point, I guess it might be understandable that my first thought was, "He's awfully young to be playing the beast." A second later I realized, um, that's because I'm watching a high school musical.) Moments later, the stage was fully lit with a lovely village set and villagers in fantastic costumes in a stage freeze. Belle appeared on stage. I had wondered previously what the standard of this show would be, seeing as they were all high schoolers, but as soon as Belle opened her mouth, I wondered no more. Her voice was beautiful, sweet but powerful. From the very start, I believed she was Belle and was immediately transported to 18th century France. My memories of high school and GLOC vanished. Aside from the instinct to sing where I had once been expected to sing, and in the first soprano parts, I forgot about myself and really enjoyed the show.

All of the characters were fantastic. Maurice, Belle's father was gentle and appropriately dopey-bizarre. Gaston was incredible - great voice and commanding presence. Lumiere and Cogsworth had the audience in stitches with their often off-script jokes. Mrs Potts was sweet and motherly and very endearing. The beast was frightening at first (my five-year-old jumped into my lap when he came on stage) but genuinely grew kind and lovable by the end. The enchanted objects' costumes were dazzling. The sets were effective and realistically Disney. The singing by all the main characters was beyond what I expected for a high school production, and many of them were worthy of far greater. The choreography, especially in the Tavern song, where they all sing about Gaston, was energetic and entertaining.

My girls loved it. Keeping them in their seats was a feat and keeping Lolly quiet was impossible. Lolly even cried at the end when the Beast was stabbed by Gaston. (Was that spoiler?) The girls said to me afterwards, "Thank you SO MUCH, Mummy, for taking us here!"

After the show, the kids raced around foyer getting photos with all the characters and autographs for their playbills. They were so excited, we could barely keep them all together!


We then took the kids backstage - calling them VIP - but backstage was nothing like it was in our day. We opened the side door and found ourselves not in the short hallway separating the choir room from the two dressing rooms, but in a long school corridor with classrooms everywhere. A student, still in her actor's makeup but now wearing a Beauty & the Beast t-shirt, pointed us in the right direction. Soon, we found ourselves in that very choir room I knew so well, which still opened up into the wings of the stage.

More memories. This is where pre-show excitement electrified the air, where we were shhhhhhed a million times, where girls did the boys' make-up (especially the boys we liked), where twenty-second costume changes were somehow managed in ten. Many arguments broke out in that room, and so did many make-out sessions. It's a magical room.

We entered the wings and walked onto the stage. Devon joked that she could feel our stage ghosts, but silly as it sounds, I kind of felt we could. I saw myself fifteen years younger standing behind that red curtain, with the hush of the audience, the pit band playing, all of us making silent, exaggerated faces to warm up, noiselessly shaking out our hands and arms to build up the energy, and waiting for that breathless moment when the curtains would be pulled and the full bright lights would blind us and we would turn into fiction.

As I watched our kids run around the stage, making lots of noise, and trying to climb all over the set (which we put an instant stop to), I wondered what passions they will discover as they grow and what experiences they will remember years later. I wondered where each will end up, and if they will have high school memories worth returning back for.

I may find it extremely difficult being back in my home town again after so many years away, but one thing I can say without reservation is that I have a lot of great memories of this place that have been worth revisiting.

Another Old Unpublished One

I found this post while clearing off my desktop. I wrote it long before Scott and I announced to the world that we were moving to the US, but I couldn't of course post it at that time. I think it's safe now. This is what went through my head regarding the prospect of leaving Scotland.



I have to write this in a Word document because I’m not ready to publish it out there yet.

So Scott and I are thinking very seriously about moving back to the United States. Like, next year.

This is seriously mega huge for me.

See, ever since Scott told me he ‘loved me properly’, I knew that my new life was going to be in Scotland. I am sure that I must’ve experienced some grief at leaving my old life behind (and probably if I went back through my blog posts of that time, I’d find the evidence), but I don’t remember it much. Mostly I just knew that my life was about to change big time; I was going to marry a Scotsman and live the rest of my life with him, there.

So how is it that 9 years later, suddenly that is looking likely to change? How do I face that?

I can’t figure out if it’s pride or if it’s genuine ambivalence. See, part of me does feel pride. I was a 22 year old newly graduated university student who made the decision to move to another country and live another life. I was and am proud of that. I have changed so much because of that decision. I was a young girl who in under one year navigated through all the craziness of immigrating and made it. I saved up money, I filled in all the paperwork, I flew to Los Angeles to interview for my visa, I got married and I immigrated to the United Kingdom. Then I went through another crazy process of applying for my Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK. I birthed my children here. I started three home businesses here. I got my UK driver’s license here. I re-learned English grammar to comply with British rules instead of American.

And I created a life here. I took that first lonely, scared, uncertain year and built a confident, fulfilling, exciting life for myself. I made irreplaceable friends. I have risen to challenges. I have overcome so many of my childhood fears and insecurities. I have become a woman here, a mother, a wife, a business owner, an actress, a supporter, a mentor, a nationalist, here, in Scotland.

I would even go so far as to say, I have become Scottish.

....

As I let that last thought sink in, I wonder, How could I ever revert back to being... American?

It sounds so plebeian now. It sounds so teenager. Americans, with their lame politics and mainstream religion and lack of humour and bad accents... How can I go back to that? Is it even possible? Or is it possible to go back to that place but not to that person? Can this ‘me’ live in that place and still exist?

....

I’ve been trying to figure out what the difference is with this decision and all the other ‘life’ decisions I’ve had to make. I mean, I know people who move constantly, in and out of the UK, all over the States, all over Europe, and they are happy and carefree. Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I just up and move like so many other people do? Well, for starters, that’s just not me. As much as I appreciate excitement and love to do things the not-done way, I am still just a homebody who wants to be settled. I don’t need upheaval to get my kicks. I like to do outrageous things, as long as they are from the comfort of a background that I know and that knows me.

I’ve made ‘big’ decisions before; of course I have. I once had to decide where I would go to university. I once had to decide a major. I once had to decide to quit my job to become a full-time mum. I once had to decide to become self-employed.

I once had to decide to get married. I once had to decide to immigrate to another country. I once had to decide if it was time to start a family.

The difference between these ‘big’ decisions was permanence. If I decided I didn’t like my university, I could go home or transfer. If I didn’t enjoy my major, I could switch. If I realised we couldn’t afford me staying at home to be a mum, I could go back to work. If self-employment didn’t work out, I’d just go back to into employment.

But, um, if marriage wasn’t what I expected (and it wasn’t), I was stuck. If Scotland wasn’t as dreamy as I imagined it (and it wasn’t), I was stuck. If having children wasn’t all sunshine and roses (and it wasn’t), I was stuck. These are the BIG life decisions. These are the things that changed my life... forever. For good. For better or for worse.

Moving back to the States? It’s for better or for worse. If I go back and hate it, I’ll be stuck.

We’ll have sold all our belongings. We’ll have spent thousands on greencard applications, citizenship claims, passports, flights, and other various yet unknown expenses. Scott will have no job still waiting for him back here in Scotland. If we make this decision, we make it forever. For good. If it doesn’t turn out how we expect it, we will still be stuck.

...

I know it would be the right decision for Scott. He would be so happy with his second chance, his turn to become a new ‘him’. His health would be so greatly improved, his career opportunities would open up. He could get back into the things he is passionate about - music, creating. I know he would be happier and that is half what this is all about. I then wonder if it’s the right decision for our kids. Right now, they are in a school that I couldn’t love more. Fifi’s class size is eleven kids – and that includes three different year groups. She is becoming bilingual. In fact, after hearing her little ‘puppet show’ she did for me this afternoon, I could easily say she is bilingual. She has a teacher who has the time and ability to get to know her personally, who knows her likes, dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, her quirks and what she is capable of. She isn’t grouped into an age category or a personality type. She is known for who she is – in a classroom! I couldn’t love that more. Is it really right to take her out of that, and to deprive Lolly and their soon-to-be-born brother of that pleasure?

Or should I be looking at the bigger picture – maybe what will matter more when they are grown are memories of playing outside, living in the sun, growing an outdoor instead of windowsill garden, freedom of safety... countless other benefits to growing up in America that I have forgotten because I’m so acclimated here. It’s not as if there aren’t great schools in America, and it’s not as if bilingualism is the end-all-be-all of education.

If I can be made certain that this move is right for them, then I will not care what it means for my own personal ‘identity’. My husband and my children mean more to me than I mean to myself. I am the wife and the mother, and in my heart, that makes me the enabler. Scott, bless him, sees it the other way around; me and his children mean more to him than he means to himself. So he won’t say outright what he wants to do, because he sees himself as the enabler. He will enable us to stay here if that is what we all want to do. I will enable us to move if that is what they all want to do. I have to say, that is a good place to be in, in the long run! I also have to say, that means one of us has to stand up and make the decision, and I think I know who that person should be and what the decision is.

I need to give Scott the chance he gave me when we got married; I need to let him have a fresh new start and do something life changing.

This means we need to move back.

....

Millions of people grow up in the UK to be intelligent, well-adjusted, happy people. Millions of people grow up in the US to be intelligent, well-adjusted, happy people. My kids can be amongst those millions wherever we live, because they have us to help them along the way. They have sweet friends here that they love in their childlike ways, but they have the ability to make and love new friends just as easily. They have grandparents here they adore to the very deepest places in their souls, but they have grandparents there that they would grow just as attached to and love just as deeply – without losing their deep attachments to the ones they’d have said goodbye to.

My husband could be happy living in Scotland the rest of his life. Or he could be liberated moving to the US and taking control of his life. He could make the most of his life here and be happy watching his children blossom and his wife thrive. Or he could actually enjoy the days and weeks of his life, with the ease of his newfound health, the prospects of a new career at his fingertips, the freedom to indulge in music like he once did, and be surrounded still by the four deepest loves of his life.

Lest I sound like I’ve suddenly somehow re-idealised America, I haven’t. But I can see it through his eyes. It’s the same sort of eyes I saw Scotland with before I came here. Scott couldn’t see the magic and promise I saw in this country, but it was there all along right under his nose. So while I can’t see the magic and promise of America, I can look through his eyes and see what I have become blind to.

I know I could be happy living in Scotland for the rest of my life. I know I have friends here who will be friends for years to come, maybe for life. I also know I could be happy in America, because I used to be happy there. I had friends who came and went, just like I have here in Scotland, but I also have friends that are still there, always ready to take me back into their lives and help me re-adjust. I can reasonably assume that some of my friends here would be the same – ready to welcome me when I come back for visits, never ready to fully release me from their hearts. I have family I love so deeply in both countries. No matter where I go, I will have people I love and yet people I miss. That is just the way of it. So I know what the answer for us is. The answer in the end comes fairly easily.

....

What lies ahead is the hardest part – the slow, painful unravelling of the fabric of this life as I start to let go of what holds me here. The gradual release of possessions, unstitching the tiny squares that formed the quilt of my home bit by bit. The telling people, the lengthy beginnings of goodbyes.

The unavoidable process of detachment.

The Real Scotland - In Film

We just watched a Scottish movie directed by Ken Loach called The Angels' Share. I've seen a few of his movies, namely Sweet Sixteen and Ae Fond Kiss, and I like them for how realistic their portrayal of life in the West of Scotland is. Sweet Sixteen was even filmed in Greenock!

I find it amusing that when people picture Scotland, they imagine the beautiful mountains, green grass, a light misting rain, and people in kilts eating porridge. They see Braveheart and Brave and Highlander; if they are a little more canny, they might see Trainspotting. But in reality, it's a lot of Sweet Sixteen, Ae Fond Kiss and The Angels' Share. Neds and drugs, drink and thugs. Sectarianism and fitba, track suits and chibs.


It's also beautiful mountains, green grass and misting rain. It's also fine whiskys, Robert Burns and masterful cutting banter. There are a lot of amazing things about Scotland, right along side all the rubbish.  (I really miss Scotland.)

If you want to know what every day Scottish life is really like, and you are over 18, you should check out one of these films. The Angels' Share is about a ned who develops a taste for whiskys and uses it to find a way out of his troubled life for the sake of his girlfriend and new son. Sweet Sixteen is about a kid with a tough background waiting until his mum gets out of prison so they can start a new life, who needs to raise some cash - and does it the only way he knows how. Ae Fond Kiss is about a Pakistani man who falls in love with a Scottish woman and all the problems it presents with his family.

Next on my Ken Loach watch list is Kes. It's an old one, and I don't know why I've not seen it yet.

Cold. Conspiracy. Cheesecakes.

Tonight the wind chill is supposed to dip as low as -10 degrees Fahrenheit. In my book, that's pretty darn cold!

I do remember it getting cold before when I lived here. I even remember trying to tell someone how cold Arkansas could get and not being believed. Through the Scottish years, I began to believe that nothing could be as cold as Scotland, except perhaps northeastern Europe or Siberia. But I was wrong. Rains and winds and low temperatures are the bain of Scottish existence, but I never thought about freezing pipes. Tonight, in Arkansas, it's gonna get chilly. It's clear global warming is just a conspiracy theory. (Just kidding.)

Speaking of conspiracy theories, though, I love them. And actually I believe a lot of them. Scott kind of wants to elbow me in the gut when I start talking about them, but seriously, why not? Do we really believe the government is that honest and open with the public? After all, everyone thought Watergate and the NSA were conspiracy theories but surprise! Nixon was a crook and the NSA is monitoring your World of Warcraft activity.

(They probably have wire taps installed all over our house, thanks to Tec over here.)

Anyway, I won't go into detail on which theories I adhere to, as my husband's opinion of me is still something I moderately value, but just thought I'd throw that in there.

On the weight loss front, Scott and I are now seven pounds lighter each. Today was the first day I looked at my semi-naked figure in the mirror and thought, 'Is that tummy a little flatter?!' Incidentally, I feel great too. I have more energy than I've had in a long time, I'm never hungry and my cravings are mild. The one complaint I have of this keto diet is that it is affecting my sleep. I used to be able to fall asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, but these past few days I've tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable or sleep for long. I keep waking up all night long, and this morning, which should have been my lie-in morning, I woke up at 7.30 when Jaguar woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. Scott says my body will adjust to this new energy. I hope he's right. Sleep is my favorite pastime.

In half an hour, we're heading over to my mom's for dinner. She's made chilli, which is off limits for us on our diet. However, we were saving our carbs all day for dinner anyway, as I had some spicy chicken nuggets we were planning on having, which are a little higher in carbohydrates than we would normally eat. I guess we'll just substitute yummy spicy breading for yummy jalapeños and beans. I've ordered us some Ketostix (though the off-brand, much cheaper), so we can verify if we are still in ketosis after moderately over-indulging now and then.

I'll leave you with this. Last night Scott made us some incredible low-carb cheesecakes in the microwave. Find the recipe here at Your Lighter Side. Each 1-cup serving was only 2.5 net carbs and 299 calories. All I have to say about these is DO IT.

40 Questions

For the 9th time, I present to you my...


1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Became a Pampered Chef Consultant! I've always thought about doing it, but upon moving back home, I decided to go for it. And I love it! I also started attending a Lutheran church... never saw that one coming.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I'd say I did a pretty good job last year! My resolution was "to live simply, unmaterialistically,and give myself a break from taking on too many responsibilities." For the most part, I think I succeeded. I don't feel nearly as attached to 'stuff' any more, and most of the attachment I do feel towards it is practical rather than materialistic. I've also managed to not get involved in lots of things. In fact, I can say that I'm doing great at doing nothing, maybe to a fault!

This year my resolution is to rigorously save money, to get a little more exercise, eat a little healthier and lose about 15 pounds. That second half is likely to be a failure, but I'm going to try. Don't you just love the optimism? Also, I'm going to have lots of sex. All of these are a part of my 2014 Theme "Satisfaction" - being satisfied with what I have and where I'm at. Changing what I can but being satisfied with what I can't. And sex, well, that's just satisfying.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister-in-law Katie gave birth to a gorgeous wee daughter, my niece, Erum. And I have two more nieces/nephews due in the upcoming year!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother, my Mamaw, died early this year.

5. What countries did you visit?
We didn't *visit* any new countries, but we started the year living in Scotland and ended the year living in the USA. As for new places visited, though, we travelled to Seattle, WA for the first time.

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Last year I answered: "A simplified, uncluttered wardrobe, house and life." Boy, did I get that, and then some.

I don't know about lacking it in 2013, but by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan.  A life plan. A rough guide, more like, since my plans never go according to plan.  I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle. I'm a settler; I need to be in a place and stay there, make roots, and become a part of the place.  I'm not a part of this place right now, but I want to figure this out in this next year.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory?
18th of June. The day we moved from Scotland back to America. A happy, sad date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I guess immigrating my husband and three children to the USA was a pretty big achievement. There are who knows how many people out there who are dying to do the same thing we did. It was a big undertaking too.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I don't think I moved back to America in the most graceful way. I was pretty babyish about it. Nothing went the way we planned it. Saying that, I'm still trying to buck up and take it like an adult, but even now I still can't help feeling like ending up back in my home town was kind of a fail. I know, I KNOW, I'm being childish. Everything happens for a reason and all that. I'm very thankful in a lot of ways that we ended up here instead of Fayetteville. I get to be around my family and some old friends which is hugely awesome. I'm so thankful for that. But I'm a human and allowed to have petty human emotions about it, and I don't like being back in this particular area.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No injuries or illness with me (besides feeling rather depressed in these months post-move), but back in April, Lolly got her finger jammed in a door and severed it almost right off. It was gross. The tip of her finger hung on by a flap of skin. I never blogged about it, because my dear, dear friend who was watching her at her house at the time was so distraught over it. I never once blamed her at all for it. Accidents happen, especially with kids. It was a scary experience though. She had to go under general anaesthesia at the children's hospital to have it surgically reattached.

Lolly at A&E

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We had to buy so many new things this year, most of them pretty mundane, but I'd say Scott's car and our fantastic king size mattress are two of them. Scott would probably say his new computer was tops.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I can hardly believe I'm saying it, but this year Lolly deserves a mention. She's always been a real 'handful' (to put it ultra-mildly), and she still is, but she's changed a lot this year. She's more considerate of other people, more willing to help out, more eager to please. She's still maddeningly defiant, stubborn and uncontrollable, but I think she's grown a lot in the past six months. She sometimes really does care about other people.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
Sometimes, if I'm honest, I regret moving. I only feel that way in an emotional sense, though.  Practically speaking, I know without a doubt we made the right decision.  There are so many better opportunities for us out here. But my wee heart is still so attached to Scotland, that sometimes I just wish we'd never left. That's got to be normal right? In general, however, I have no regrets. I don't really do 'regrets'.  The past is the past, and it influences who we become.  I really don't tend to regret things I've done or not done; I just extend and grow out from them, like a tree branches.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Into moving to America. No single doubt about it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I got really excited about sending Fifi to a charter school in Northwest Arkansas and went to crazy lengths to get her into it. (All to turn around and have to turn down our space because we didn't move there.) I got really excited about Fifi playing the part of Gretl in The Sound of Music in the Greenock Beacon Arts Centre. She was amazing, so incredibly good. And most recently, I got reallly, really, really excited about visiting a couple of our oldest friends, Jonathan and Sarah, in Seattle!


16. What song/album will always remind you of 2013?
There was one song on one of the Glee soundtracks that reminds me of a very emotional moment back in Scotland preparing for the move. I had the afternoon free of children, and I was in the kids' room clearing out. It was very hard for me to make the kids get rid of so many toys. It felt really cruel. Anyway, so I was feeling very emotional about moving, and leaving so many people and things I'd grown to love and that had formed me into the woman I'd become. This song, 'As If We Never Said Goodbye' from Sunset Boulevard, came on, and though for the most part it had nothing to do with my situation, this line caused me to burst into tears.
I've spent so many mornings
Just trying to resist you.
I'm trembling now,
You can't know how I've missed you!

Missed the fairy tale adventure
In this ever spinning playground,
We were young together.
It described how I resisted moving to the US for so long, how much I missed my family and friends back in the US, and how much I'd soon miss my family and friends in the UK.


17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? I've been both ridiculously happy and overwhelmingly sad.
thinner or fatter? Still kinda overweight, but a lot more okay with my shape and size. Acceptance, satisfaction.
richer or poorer? A little richer, I guess, but not feeling like it matters any more. :)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Last year's answer: Exercise.
This year's answer: Exercise.

I also wish I'd just spent a little more time with family and friends in Scotland, though I know that's silly. I spent as much quality time with everyone as I could amidst the whirlwind of immigration. But I still wish I could just have another couple of days with people.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I don't know. Complaining, probably.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
We went to a Christmas Eve candlelight service at church on Christmas Eve.  We spent Christmas morning with my mom and step-dad and my brothers and their families. We spent Christmas evening at my aunt's house with the whole extended family. It was the first time in heaven knows how long that all of the cousins were back together again. It was awesome seeing everyone again and meeting my cousin in Dallas's son. Then the following Saturday we had Christmas with my dad and step-mom and again my brothers' families.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
This year, I spent the most time on the phone with my in-laws, Andy and Marion. I love them so, so much. (And they are both coming out to America in three weeks!!!)

22. What's your best memory from 2013?
This year is so entirely split in two that I'll need to answer in two parts.

My greatest Scotland memories of 2013 are:
-Seeing Fifi in The Sound of Music.
-Camping in Heather's mum's camper with Heather, Paula and Elaine at Millport and getting to go on a boat ride.
-Staying in Sheila's holiday home in Kingussie with Scott, and visiting all the local sites, like the Wildlife Centre and the CairnGorm Mountains in the snow.
-Staying in Kingussie again with close friends, to say goodbye in style and with wine.
-My last strawberry daiquiri with Maria at Flava. (Okay, who's cutting onions here?)
-The last night in our old flat, with all the furniture gone and suitcases packed, with Andy and Marion, eating pakora and Kate and Faisal and Adam showing up with Irn Bru. One last hurrah. (What's with the fricking onions?!!)




My greatest American memories are:
-Visiting Jonathan and Sarah in Seattle, of course.
-Our first of many Thanksgivings and Christmases with my Arkansas family

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
I don't know if it's considered growing... I can tell you how I've changed.

I've let go of ties. I've let go of things that have held me in place. In a lot of ways, I'm floating right now, trying to find a place to land and take root. Right now, I have no roots, I have no foundation. I'm discovering who I am and what I believe in the very depths of myself. Some of it isn't what I'd like to see, but I'm aiming for acceptance. I've never been a pretender, not with myself or with anyone else, but now I feel I'm going even deeper and I'm trying to decipher even more what is under there, in areas that have always been undercover. I'm so glad that I've had all this down time since moving here, because it's given me time to reacquaint myself with me.

That's pretty lame, Lori.

24. What was your favourite TV programme(s)?
I've been watching some random shows on Netflix like Heroes, The League and Arrow. Out of boredom, mostly. I'm still keeping up with Glee and HIMYM, and I finished Dexter.

26. What was the best book(s) you read?
I read the whole Harry Potter series and I read Silence by Shusako Endo. That was probably one of the most life-changing books I've ever read. In a sad, good way. I can't believe I never wrote a review on that. I must remedy that.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Though I sound totally pretentious saying this, because I've only listened to a few songs on one album, Scott is getting me onto Band of Horses. It all started with this song....


I also liked this song and need to listen to the album more. Thank you, Scott, for your musical tastes.


And finally, this band, and this song.


28. What did you want and get?
A cat.

29. What did you want and not get?
A car. (My own car.)

30. What were your favourite films of this year?
I'm sure we saw some films, but I can't really think of anything that stood out. Took the kids to see Frozen, and we all liked that. But grown-up films? Don't know.

Netflix, however, has allowed me to watch all kids of old films that I've never seen before.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a low key birthday. It was my 31st, and I went out to dinner with my Friday morning TinyTalk mums/friends. It was a lot of fun. They were (are) an amazing group of women. All very strong, smart, genuinely kind and loving, genuinely good. And all married. Sorry, fellas. (I miss you all.)

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know how to answer this question this year. This year has been what it's been. It's been a crazy clash of happy and sad.  When I think about it, I really couldn't say there was more we could've done. We made it through, in tact. I'm satisfied with that.

If I had to answer something, though, I'd say the year would have been more satisfying with all my old clothes! (Very unsatisfying year in the wardrobe department. I miss all of you, my beautiful jumpers!)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
It started out as usual, I like to dress a little quirky and cute. It's now kind of become a t-shirt and jeans thing for me, since I had to give away all my clothes to move. I've been given lots of clothes from people here, and I'm so incredibly thankful for all of it. I'd be somewhat naked without it. It'll be nice when I can actually look in my closet and see my style though. I miss my style.

34. What kept you sane?
Having a husband and three children I truly enjoy being around. Having my mom around has been great too, and my mother-in-law visiting from Scotland regularly has been a huge one. She and Andy are two of my best friends, and I've been a little lost without their constant presence.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I actually would have had an answer for this one this year. I would've said Pink. She's actually way more awesome than I realized. Like as a person. I only know her popular songs, so I can't really comment on her tunes. But this question got changed last year so...

35b. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
Scott's 30th birthday was the most exciting, special occasion for me (us) this year. It was for his 30th that we went to Seattle. I had a big 30th birthday bash for mine, but Scott's not a party-person. This was the perfect way to bring in his third decade. With awesome friends in an awesome city.


36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year's answer: "American gun control, health care and same-sex marriage. I'll keep mum about my opinions on each though! This is not a political blog. :)"

This year's answer: Health care and same-sex marriage. And this year I'll say loud and clear, PEOPLE SHOULD GET HEALTH CARE AND BE ALLOWED TO MARRY WHO THEY WANT. In a nutshell. I could discuss further, and maybe I will soon enough. But for now...

37. Who did you miss?
I missed (miss) my Scottish family and friends. All of them. Too many to name. And now I miss Jonathan and Sarah (but they'll be visiting us in Arkansas soon!).

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
The best new people I've met have been Lolly's soccer team moms. They are all really cool, nice people, and I need to make an effort in the new year to get to know them better.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
At the end of the day, the best you can be is just honest.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
Early I mentioned some lyrics from the song, 'As If We Never Said Goodbye'. Later in the song come the lyrics:

I don't want to be alone,
That's all in the past.
This world's waited long enough,
I've come home at last!

And this time will be bigger
And brighter than we knew it.
So watch me fly
We all know I can do it!
As I listened in tears to that song over and over again that afternoon, I told myself that this song, despite all the parts that didn't apply, would be the song that summed up my whole year. I'd kind of forgotten about it until now, but I'm glad I've been reminded. This time WILL be bigger and brighter than we knew it. So watch me fly, we all know I can do it!

If I Call It a 'Tutorial' It Sounds Way More Bloggy

Ahem. A Christmas Cracker Tutorial

Don't you just want to Pin it? (No really, I think you can Pin it, there might be an option at the bottom.)

Today's Advent Activity was making Christmas crackers. For those on the monarchical side of the pond, you know exactly what these are. For the rest of you, this might be new.

Christmas crackers are an integral part of the Christmas festivities. Every family meal, office party, restaurant dinner or any other Christmas get-together involves them. They even give out Christmas crackers to the homeless at outreach services. It's, like, not Christmas without a cracker.

Since they are hard to find in the States, our elves asked us to make them ourselves. We decided to make enough for Christmas breakfast with my family on Christmas morning, so we have been collecting toilet rolls for weeks.

To make an authentic Christmas cracker, you need the following:

- Empty toilet rolls
- Some kind of wrapping paper
- Some kind of ribbon or tie
- Trinkets
- Jokes
- Paper crowns
- Cracker snaps

However, since I am never very organized and all my plans are poorly thought out, I never got around to ordering my cracker snaps this year. Note to self: Order them in January for next year.

We also didn't make paper crowns. Last year when we made these in Scotland, we made crowns out of tissue paper and tape. I don't think that requires much explanation... just make a crown however you want. Just make it adjustable and/or able to fit an adult or child's head.

Okay, so here's the 'tutorial'. That word makes me sound like such a ponce. But it's the blingo. (Blog+Lingo = That has TOTALLY gotta become a word.)


First cut out sheets of wrapping paper large enough to cover the toilet roll sideways and leave plenty of extra on the ends for pulling on. Then cover the toilet roll with glue from a glue stick.


Roll the gluey toilet roll up in wrapping paper. Seal the end with more glue so the wrapping paper doesn't peel away.


Pretty. :) (By the way, I didn't mean to get actual glittery wrapping paper. In its cellophane I thought it was just glittery looking. But no, it was actual glitter, everywhere. But it came out looking really nice.)


Tie up one end with some kind of ribbon. I used silver raffia. It was just right for pulling the ends tight without breaking. If you are using cracker snaps, run them through the middle of the toilet roll and make sure to tie it up on each end. These tied ends are the ends two people will pull so the snap needs to be caught in the tie so they, you know, snap.

Fifi hand wrote some jokes herself.

Stuff the cracker with the necessary items. We inserted jokes, a chocolate sweetie and a mini tree ornament into each. We were going to use little Christmas stocking filler things like mini keychains, pencil erasers, etc, but the Christmas party section was already cleared out today when I went to buy them. As was the majority of the whole Christmas section. Which is why I got the wrapping paper I did, come to think of it. I didn't realize waiting until the last minute around here was a bad idea. But it is. Note to self: Get all your Christmas supplies in October next year.


Once everything is inside, tie up the end, again, remembering to catch the snap if you are using them.

Then on Christmas day, or at your work's night out, or wherever you are going to be opening your crackers, place one cracker at each place setting. Everyone will turn to someone else to pull their crackers apart. Whoever ends up with the cracker part and not just an end gets to keep what's inside. Don't forget to put on your crown and read your joke. (The cornier, the better!)

Merry Christmas!


(Oh yeah, and speaking of toilet roll, it seemed Banoffee got in on the toilet roll action himself last night. He made himself a little swing hanging from the pulleys on the ceiling fan.  Of course this morning Lolly knocked him off by trying to swing him really fast and really high.)

We Are Not Alone: The Emo Post

Last night's Elf on the Shelf stunt was a last minute "Oops I better do something quickly" effort. He TPed the Christmas tree. Unoriginal, I know, but it's a good throw-away when you need it.

And last night I needed it.

Last night I was hit with a minor case of melancholy. I was just sitting in my big comfy armchair and without reason, tears started to glide down my cheeks. Scott asked what was wrong, but I didn't know. He thought that was me not wanting to talk about it, but no, genuinely I didn't know. He could not understand what that was all about. No one cries for no reason, he said.

Yes. Yes they do.

I know I'm not alone. Sometimes feelings you don't even know exist build up inside until they have to come out. For some people they come out as anger or frustration. For others, tears and sadness. I'm in the latter category most of the time.

After crying for a little while, and being prodded by my caring husband, the reasons started to make themselves clear.

I just miss everything.

I miss the Mid-Kirk cafe on Friday afternoons with my mother-in-law. I miss dropping in on my father-in-law on a rotten rainy day for a cup of tea and a slice roll. I miss my sister- and brother-in-law and my nephew ... and the niece I haven't even met yet. I miss Craft Nights every Tuesday with Heather, Elaine and Paula. I miss hanging out with lots of kids with Maria and Robyn. I miss the love and friendship I shared with Sheila. I miss coffees with Laura, and I miss being on stage. I miss drinks at the pub and the town gossip and the Gaelic school. I miss so many people I couldn't possibly list. I miss being known and well-liked and surrounded with people to see and places to go. Most of all, though, I miss me.

It sounds so damn corny, doesn't it?

I'll just stay with the corny though. Feelings are always corny when they are typed out. This is going to sound so stupid, but here I go... because for some reason I have this insane need to share myself with the world. I don't write for pity or for cyberhugggsxxx, but because we all need to know sometimes that we are not alone in those feelings that we are wrongly ashamed of.

In Scotland, I imagined myself in bright colours. I was happy (in general), colourful, outgoing, bright, busy, active. I wore make-up and heels and skirts and warm woolly scarves and sequinned hats. I was living in technicolor.

Now, I'm grey. I'm tired, lonely, fat, grey, grey, grey. I wear pajamas and no make-up, I eat junk and nap on the couch and check Facebook on my phone. I make two outings a day - taking Fifi to school and back. In the car, not walking, because it's cold and I don't want to be cold. Sometimes I go to Walmart or Kroger. Sometimes I do see friends, and those days are the highlights of my week. I wait for Scott to come home each night with fervor because he's my only adult and he's my joy and my rock. I just feel pretty pathetic.

I want to snap out of it. Trust me, I do. But I can't. I just can't. I make these small little targets for myself every day like 'Get dressed', 'Straighten your hair', 'Put on eyeliner', 'Don't eat any crisps'. And when I meet those targets I feel awesome. Until I realise they are shit targets. Hey, well done, you just did what all normal people do without any effort at all.

I keep pushing away the D-word. I don't want to label myself. I'm sad, I'm down, but this happens. This happened when I moved to Scotland the first time, but look what a life I made! I'll make it again. Scott reminded me of how lonely I was when I first moved there; he said I was so sad he was sure I was going to leave him and come back home. I didn't though; I slowly made those same kind of targets for myself - 'Catch the bus by yourself', 'Take a walk', 'Wash the dishes', 'Stop crying'. And each baby target met was a little crayon pulled out of the box lightly colouring in a corner in my grey life. As my confidence grew and friendships started forming, the colours became bolder and covered more and more of the page until the paper couldn't hold it all and I had to draw more pictures on more paper just to keep colouring.  I loved my art gallery of a life!

I'm back to my black empty line drawing on a white sheet of paper now. My crayons are sitting stubbornly in the box, as I grudgingly admit that I'm bringing this on myself. I don't want to be happy. I don't want to stop missing Scotland. I don't want to replace the amazing people in my life with new people. I haven't made an effort to settle here because I don't love it here. I'm afraid to make new friends in case I leave them too.

I've erected my own prison cell, and now I'm living inside it. And that makes me sad. But I have no strength to tear it back down. It's easier to eat a slice of cake and watch Netflix.

I promised Scott I'd set myself new targets. 'Make some friends.' 'Stop snacking between meals.' 'Get some exercise.' Today, even after we decided to skip church due to the weather, I fixed my hair and put on loads of eyeliner. I put on jeans that I like and a cardigan that made me feel cute. I didn't overeat. I had a good day with my kids and my step-mom at the cinema seeing Frozen. I let myself tear up at the sad parts. I feel okay. I'm not always depressed. I won't always be grey. I feel lonely a lot right now, but I know I don't have to feel alone. I need to give myself more time. I'm in a rush to be and have all that I was and had in my Scottish life, but that took time too. Time and tears. Tears aren't a bad thing, and neither is time.

Time is necessary. Tears are good, even the ones you don't understand. And sharing our tears is good. We are not alone. We should never feel alone.


And hey, toilet paper!

A Snow Day and a Sad Day and a Pervy Little Elf Day

Even though it's been warm all week (Fifi was outside climbing trees in shorts yesterday), it's going to get really cold and supposedly very icy tonight and tomorrow. While this kind of messes with my Pampered Chef parties this weekend, I can't say I'm not excited about Fifi being off school and Scott being off work! A surprise three-day weekend!

I do think there has been a little bit of hysteria over this weather going on around here. I mean, ice is bad, yeah, and no one wants to drive in it (especially with all the people on the road who don't know how to drive in it), but it seems a bit pre-emptive to cancel the universe before it's even happened, before the temperatures even hit below freezing.

Anyway, I'm not complaining. Day off tomorrow means lazing about, not having to wake up early, having an easy day and making up for the Advent Activity we did NOT do today.

I'd forgotten until last night that Fifi had a Girl Scouts thing tonight, so I had to do a little swapping around. We were supposed to watch a Christmas movie and eat popcorn together, but I changed it to have a picnic on the floor in our pajamas. Still a stupid thing to change it to because I wasn't going to get Fi in her pj's before Girl Scouts! At any rate, none of that happened at all.

Partially because of this...

You probably recall Gracie, our miniature dachshund. Our miniature un-house-trained dachshund. We love Gracie. She is the sweetest, gentlest dog ever... but she poos and pees EVERYWHERE. We just couldn't keep her inside for longer than 20 minutes for fear she'd mess our carpets again. With the weather getting colder, I just hated having her outside. We'd bring her in, but then she needed to stay in her crate, which just made me feel cruel.

I'd have loved to take the time to train her but with two other kids at home all day? It just wasn't feasible. So we started looking for a new home for our sweet Gracie.

My mom called me today to let me know a woman at her work had a daughter who loves the breed and was willing to take on the challenge of house training her. And she wanted her today.

Lolly was distraught. I was pretty broken up about it too, though I knew it was the best thing for our doggie. I decided I couldn't take Gracie away without Fifi getting to say goodbye, so I picked her up early from school on the way to taking Gracie to her new home and broke the news to Fifi. Fifi was distraught.

The whole thirty-minute drive was agony. The two girls wailed the whole way. Lolly kept crying, 'This life stinks!' and 'Why did you take us to this rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish America?!' and 'I want to go back to Scotland!' The cries not only made my head pound, they made my eyes water. I feel your pain, girls. In so many ways.

I took some pictures of the girls with their dog before saying goodbye, but they are too sad to share. So here's a less sad one for Lolly to remember her 'precious, precious puppy', as she kept calling her all day. This was earlier in the day before the reality of it hit her.


Afterwards, I took the kids by McDonald's for an ice cream. This helped soothe their pain tremendously. Then I stopped into Walmart to get some milk before this supposed 'snowpocalypse' rolls in. The people of central Arkansas have gone crazy. The state of their shopping carts made me think they were stacking the shelves of their nuclear bomb shelters before crawling in for the next ten years.

By the time we got home, and I got dinner ready, it was time for Girl Scouts, so no picnic in pj's. Fifi and Lolly did have a lot of fun cutting up thousands of sheets of white paper into snowflakes... which totally screws day number 9's plans. But tomorrow's snow day means we can have a picnic on the floor in our pj's all day long if we want.

And now, for a Banoffee Pie Update:

This morning the girls found BP having a leisurely tea party with his two favourite redheads, Ariel and Merida.


Even though he's friends with both, he obviously couldn't help perving on Ariel a little bit in her little teeny-tiny purple bikini. She wasn't helping things with the slutty way she was sitting either. But maybe it's not entirely her fault; I've never tried to sit on a picnic blanket in a fin, so I don't know what's comfortable.


Banoffee made some delicious Chocolate Oatmeal No-Bake Cookies too. Little ones for he and his friends to share with their cup of tea (real tea, despite Fifi tasting it and saying it was just water - it was real tea!) and jello (Lolly's gift to Banoffee yesterday). He also made plenty for us too, though I may or may not have eaten 95% of all by myself.


Stop checking the mermaid out, Banoffee!

You sly dog, you!

Day 2: Write Letters To Santa...

This morning, the girls woke up to find their little elf having a bit of fun with yesterday's piñata and the leftover Tootsie Rolls.


It seems Banoffee Pie made himself a little cape and mask and stabbed the piñata with a chopstick. Then he overindulged in sweeties, which is perfectly okay because he's an elf. Fifi did mention he was going to give himself a stomachache eating all those Tootsie Rolls.


After we cleaned up his little mess, he found a new place to watch the children for the day on the baker's rack in the kitchen, which was the perfect place to watch Lolly do her homeschooling.


Lolly and I are doing the Hippy program. Today's assignment was to fill an egg carton or ice tray (we used a muffin pan) with small objects, ranging from 1 to 10 per segment. Then we cut out the numbers 1-10, and Lolly had to place them in the correct segment. It seemed overly easy but fun, so I did it. It turned out to be really useful. Since the numbers were not in order and the items were small, she had to do a lot of counting and paying attention-ing. Then I let her eat one item out of each segment and put the new correct number in its place - subtraction! She loved it. Any schooling involving food is a win with Lolly.

The Advent Activity for today was to write our letters to Santa and post them at Wee Betty's Cafe. We chose Wee Betty's as our post office, because first, they have a special little Letters to Santa mailbox and second, because it brings Scotland and Christmas a little closer together. We love our little local Scottish cafe. I love how my girls' accents come out a little stronger when talking to other Scots, and I love how it makes me feel transported back 'home' every time I walk in. Seeing Freddo and Quavers and Irn Bru and PG Tips on the shelves just makes me feel happy. And the Scottish banter is fab; boy, do I miss Scottish banter! (It's always about the weather!)

So the girls wrote their letters. Lolly and I wrote hers - and Jaguar's - during the day, and Fifi did hers when she got back from school. She actually had hers written out already, but I had her re-write it for writing practice... I'm that mum.

Fifi's letters:

To Santa, I want to get lots of presents. All of the stuff is on this list right here.
fish, Barbie DVDs, cliboard, desk, toy horse, The Pampered Chef cooking supplies, Lala Loopsey doll, walking doll, Beautiful Girl, pet grooming, DS games, books, skating board
Thank you.

Stocking List
silly bands, crayons, chocolate coins, notebooks, bags, a new dog, giggling dolls, tatoos

Lolly's letter cracks. me. up. She dictated to me exactly as I wrote it. The last two requests, for Chemical X and everything nice, come from The Powerpuff Girls.

Sugar. Spice. And everything nice.

These were the ingredients chosen to create the perfect little girl.

But Professor Utonium accidentally added an EXTRA INGREDIENT to the concoction.... CHEMICAL X.

Thus, the POWERPUFF GIRLS WERE BORN!

Obviously, Lolly is hoping to make a Powerpuff Girl for Christmas. I asked her, 'Don't you want to ask for sugar and spice too?' She replied, 'No, mum, we already have those.' Duh. Right in the cupboard.

After we finished all the letters, and the girls spent far too much time inking Christmas stamps all over the envelopes, we all loaded into the car and started driving the twenty minutes to Wee Betty's. I planned on making the trip worth my while by getting a few goodies to take to Seattle with us for our friends Jonathan and Sarah.

About three-quarters of the way there though, I realized... It's Monday. And Wee Betty's is closed on Mondays. Nuuuuts.

So, we turned back. The kids were really upset because that's what the letter said! Luckily, SuperMom came to the rescue and I remembered I'd bought a little metal Christmas mailbox a while back that I couldn't decide if I should use as a gift box or not.

'Hey Lolly, remember that strange mailbox I just happened to find today? MAYBE it's magic! Maybe we could ask Banoffee to send our letters to Santa in it!'


Yes! They bought it! So we came back home, stashed our letters in the little mailbox, and Fifi wrote Banoffee a note.


I think there's a good chance Banoffee Pie might just magically mail them out tonight. We'll know tomorrow if the mailbox is empty, won't we?


Have no fear, Jonathan and Sarah, there will be more opportunities for us to get you Irn Bru before we catch our flights to Washington!