October Dress Project - A Leap Year

October is my favorite month. I love Autumn and pumpkins and Halloween and crisp air and fallen leaves and sweaters and the October Dress Project.

Only this year, I won't have that last part.

I have participated in the October Dress Project for the last four Octobers, and I had every intention of participating again this year. Then something big changed - I got offered a new job. I start my new job next week, Oct. 10.

And I am so super excited about my new job! And I'll talk about that in a minute! But for now, a little mourning over missing my favorite annual challenge. I really considered doing ODP again this year, but I just can't help feeling like wearing the same dress every day for my first three weeks at a new job would somehow leave a bad first impression...

I did look at dresses. I did try to find something that I could easily disguise from day to day. I considered toggling between two dresses even. And with two days to go, I even made a snap judgment and ordered a dress from Amazon, which arrived on Sept 29th. However, it was too small, and I had to return it. With no time left and a real concern about coming across as super weird at my new job, I decided to skip this year's ODP. A leap year, if you will.

I am sad.

But! I am happy! Because I am starting a new job, a new awesome job! I am going to be the Director of Communications for a very awesome humanitarian organization! (And even though finding out which organization that is ought to be extremely easy with a simple Google search, I do *try* to keep a few things in my life anonymous, at least here on my blog.) I am ridiculously excited about this new opportunity, and even though I'm sad to miss ODP this year and I'll be sad to leave "BANPO" ("Big Anonymous Non Profit Organization" which again could easily be searched for), I really cannot wait to open this new chapter in my life. Working for VAHO ("Very Awesome Humanitarian Organization") is an incredible opportunity, one that will lead to all kinds of personal and professional development for me. I get to help others AND do what I love, all at once. Can anyone ask for better?

So, there will be no dress pictures this October from me. Sad. Maybe, even though I'm now two days behind, I'll replace it with some other Fall-ish challenge. Ideas?


P.S. Half marathon update: I ran/walked (mostly walked) 4.5 miles today. Outdoor training is way harder than treadmill training. I might be the only human alive who prefers the treadmill. 

Let the October Dress Project Commence!

I'm doing it. By golly, I'm going for it. Fourth year in a row. Yes!

Traditionally (four years is long enough for a tradition, right?) I wear the dress as-is on the first day, as a sort of "Meet The Dress".  Today, I wore The Dress with my new beige patent wedges and with strings of pearls (all fake, obvs) - pearl earrings, pearl necklace, pearl bracelet, pearl anklet and EVEN pearl badge holder. For some reason, I felt the simple outfit looked better with my glasses too.

You know, there is just something about October. I realized today that for the past several years, it's been the month that sets the whole following year in motion. It's kind of like the start of my own personal fiscal year. Each October (thanks to ODP), I end up making my equivalent of a New Year's Resolution; let's call it my New October Resolution.  During October and ODP, I usually end up discovering what my "theme" for the upcoming year will be.

The first year it was Simplicity, learning to simplify my life and my belongings.  The second year it was Satisfaction, where AFTER simplifying my life, selling everything we owned, and moving to America, I had to learn to be satisfied with what we had.  Last year, I decided to embark on a year of Adventure.  At the time, Scott and I wanted this to include moving to Seattle (and we really thought we would, but the universe had other plans).  Though that did not happen, we still had a wonderful time with the adventure theme, going on small vacations and outings and moving to a new house closer to town.  He had his "year of change" where adventures included everything from getting his first tattoo to learning to eat cheese. For me, it meant taking life by the reins and making something of it rather than waiting for life to take charge of me. I published my book, and I got a new job. We had a lot of big and small adventures during the last McFarlane Fiscal Year, but now it's October, and it's time to learn something new.

I have an inkling of what that will be, but I'll let October decide for sure.

Plant a Tree For Earth Day

Today, we planted a tree in my mom's front yard.


We wanted to give them a Dogwood, but we couldn't find one, so we went with a Redbud.


We all did our part (except for Scott, who was still at work). But the kids did the majority of the digging.


Some of us even did our tree-planting in style. I'm talking skinny jeans and heels.


We would have loved to have planted a tree in our own yard, but alas, we rent, and we didn't want to worry with all the fuss of getting permission from the landlord to plant a tree.


At least now my mom and stepdad have a little memento of us, for when we eventually move on to "greener pastures".


Saying that, I'd love to make tree-planting our little family's Earth Day tradition. Give back to the earth a little of what we take so much of.


Teach the children a little about sustainability.


And get in touch a little more with nature.


Happy Earth Day!

Love My Body Project: Week 5

Yesterday was the last day of July, and *technically* the last day of the Love My Body Project. But it won't really be my last day. This month has been so uplifting for me, and I intend to keep up the good work.

In just one month, my whole perspective has shifted. I don't know if it was magic or coincidence or really just positive thinking, but wow. What a difference!

I feel so good about myself. Sure I've lost a little weight, which helps, but I've only lost one inch around the waist and nothing around the hips, so it's not as if I look drastically different from how I looked on July 1st. But I feel different. I feel confident. I feel strong. I feel - wait for it - beautiful.

I noticed the big change at the gym a few mornings ago. I've been taking it easy this week, exercise-wise, because I had a cold and even though I'm better now, I don't want to overdo it. I went to Pilates Tuesday and Wednesday, a change from my usual cardio. (I tried Zumba yesterday and only got through half an hour of it before feeling like I might collapse - so clearly still somewhat recovering!) In classes, with all of us facing the mirror, I usually catch myself comparing my body to everyone else's at the gym and wishing I looked like them. It's something I try not to do, but it's automatic. The difference today was that while I did still notice how great everyone else looked, for the first time, instead of wishing I looked like them, I automatically thought, "And I look good too." Not like them, not better, not worse. I actually, before I consciously thought about it, liked my body alongside everyone else's.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I don't feel like I have to cover everything up or hide. I wore a bikini to the pool last week and didn't feel self-conscious outside the water. I felt good, and I didn't care what anyone else may or may not be thinking. What a change! I wear shorts and don't feel embarrassed. I really like my body!

I don't have anything super insightful to say about my last week. I'm just amazed at how a shift in thinking, a shift in eating and a shift in activity has made such a huge difference. I've not been rigorous with any of those things; I've cut down on carbs a lot, but I'm not technically doing keto, I have upped my time at the gym but I've not been every day, and I've been kind to my reflection in the mirror but I haven't said the I-Love-My-Body mantra like I planned.

To be honest, I wasn't sure how this little project would go. I definitely thought it would take a lot more time (and a lot more weight loss) to get to this point. I'm pleasantly surprised by how good I feel.

I hope I can encourage you to think positively about your body, if you too have body image issues. It doesn't matter what size or shape you are. It doesn't matter what size or shape you WISH you were. It all starts inside you. And if you can bring yourself to eat a little better or work out a little more, it'll help more than you can imagine!

No sucking in, no Spanx, no push-up bra, no make-up, no contacts.
Dark colors coincidence only.  This is the real me!
*Except for the hair color... which is probably a lot of grey.

Love My Body Project - Week 4: Love YOUR Body

I was at the gym yesterday, and they are starting a Wall of Success. People can email their success stories to be posted on a motivation wall. Some of the leading questions were things like "What's your favorite cardio workout?" or "How has working out affected you?" or "How much weight have you lost?"

As I kickboxed like a lumpy rhinoceros (because let's face it, I may be learning to love my body, but I still don't go no rhythm), I thought about success stories. I think they are for the most part good. They are motivating. They are encouraging. Especially for those already on a fitness journey, they can be inspiring. But they can also be demotivating.

There's been times I've read blogs about getting fit or eating right, and it just depressed me. The author would talk about how great it feels to go to the gym each day or to run miles before breakfast, and I'd just think, "I don't have time for that" or "Easier said than done." And I'd be demotivated. Their bloody enthusiasm made me want to take a nap. Or I'd read about the right way to eat or "15 Foods That Are LITERALLY Killing You", and I'd think, "I can't afford to eat like that" or "But without cake, my life has no meaning." And I'd be demotivated. Or I'd read "I've lost ten pounds!" and I'd think either, "You've lost ten pounds that quickly? Screw you." or "You've been going on and on about ALL this hard work you've been doing for THIS LONG and you've ONLY lost ten pounds?" And I'd be demotivated.

So this week, I don't want to talk fitness or healthy eating. I don't want to post success stories that will just push you further away.

Because if I know anything, it's that outside pressure will not motivate us inwardly. I can tell you all about my current successes, but it won't necessarily affect you personally. I can say I want to model positive self-love for my kids, and you may agree, but it's not enough to get you motivated to change. It's not until YOU decide in YOUR mind and heart that it's time to change - regardless of what kind of change we are talking about - that things can really start moving forward. Motivation to be healthier can only come from within.

I know many of you may not feel up to hitting the gym for a good cardio workout every day. You may not want to run a marathon (or the length of yourself). You may love cake. (I sure as hell do.) You may be suffering from depression. You may be exhausted. You may be going through a lot of stress or be in a tough situation right now.

I don't want to push you further away.

As important as your health is, today I just want to encourage you to find something you like about the way you look. I don't want to tell you to get fit, get active, push yourself away from the table or deny yourself that much needed piece of chocolate.

I just want you to feel comfortable in your own skin.

It may not be the right time for you to start a workout routine or make major lifestyle changes. Let's be honest and realistic; you've got to be mentally ready for that. But it is time to start changing the way we think about the way we look. However we look. Whatever we look like. Big noses, wide hips, lumpy legs, whatever.

You may not look perfect. In fact, I know you don't look perfect, because there is NO SUCH THING. The curvy hips one woman wishes for are the curvy hips another woman is trying to lose. Tall or short, big chested or small, tiny butt or round - there's no such thing as perfection.

All I want to suggest today is that you go look in the mirror and refuse to cringe. Don't point out your flaws. Lie through your teeth if you must, but say to yourself, "You are beautiful." Say it. Maybe even try to pick out something about it that you do like. Got sexy ankles? A flawless neck? Beautiful hands? Adorable feet? Striking eyes? Luscious hair? Smooth skin? Perfect fingernails? Even complexion? Winning smile? Straight teeth?

For a moment just forget about all the pressure out there to get motivated. You'll get motivated when that moment hits you and you are finally ready. For now, maybe just start with trying to think positively about your body. It's yours, and it's beautiful.




*PS. I'm not saying ignore your health. This really IS your only body, at least until science figures out how to give us all robot bodies, so taking care of it iS important. But sometimes, mental health has come first. Though physical health certainly improves mental health, and if you are up to it, exercising really will improve your mental health, if you aren't mentally or emotionally ready to take on the sometimes big challenge of improving physically, it can feel even harder and more impossible. All I'm saying is learn to love your body, even just a little bit. And hopefully that little taste of self-love will grow into a desire to give your body a little more healthy love.

*PPS. I'm also talking to myself here. Don't think just because I'm saying all this means I'm 100% in love with how I look myself. If you think I don't still wear Spanx under my clothes or suck in my tummy for photos, you're wrong. If you think that I'm not incredibly self-conscious about publishing the above picture, you are seriously wrong.

Love My Body Project Weeks 2 & 3

Last week was awesome. I felt awesome. I looked awesome. I was eating awesome. I was in control of my food and my exercise routine. It was an awesome week.


At the end of the week, we got a huge bonus surprise; my brother- and sister-in-law from Texas came to visit us with their three children for Jaguar's birthday weekend! We had a wonderful time. It was such a great visit, especially since we haven't seen them in about three years! (And details of that will be for another post.)

But as always, with out-of-town guests, we spent a lot of time eating out (and drinking booze...). Splurging every now and then is fine, and it's something I think I should be allowed to do if I really want to, but I didn't anticipate how it would make me feel afterwards.

Getting back on track with keto has been a nightmare this third week in. I feel a lot less in control of what I am eating and a lot more hungry. I don't feel as confident. To make matters worse, I'm approaching shark week, which means I'm less energetic (making trips to the gym a huge effort) and bloated (making my belly bulge out like I'm 20 weeks pregnant). My clothes aren't fitting well this week. The scale is still promising progress, but the mirror is decidedly not. I also have not been making myself say I love my body this week like I should. Instead, I've been internally spreading negativity about it.

I woke up this morning feeling groggy, demotivated, fat and hungry. I planned on going to both a weightlifting class and Zumba but couldn't get up and out in time. I missed the weights class and considered just staying home and doing nothing at all. But my kids (thank you, kids!) insisted we go to Zumba anyway, so we went. The first half of the class was killer; I had no energy and just did not feel like doing it. By the second half, though, I could start to feel my body wake up, and I was so glad I'd gone. It gave me the energy and motivation to do everything else I needed to do today, like get groceries and return books to the library. It gave me the determination to keep off the carbs at lunch time and during peckish moments of the day.

I guess loving one's body is a process. It has ups and downs. Hormones play a large part too. The key is probably just keep going, don't give up. And keep giving your body and your mind some love. I put on all black after realizing I was feeling negative again about my body and said defiantly to my reflection, "I LOVE MY BODY, DAMN IT."

Love My Body Project Week 1

Originally I'd had in mind that I would blog each day about my 'progress', aka, attempt at loving my body, including a full length photo each day, the kind where I don't crop out my thighs or PhotoShop my coloring, but it turns out, that was too much work. Until I get a tripod and can take surreptitious full-body selfies, it just isn't going to work. Besides, it felt kind of narcissistic. Kind of made me feel a little 'On my momma, on my hood, I look fly, I look good!'

But as a follow up to my Love My Body Project, I must say, it's working! So each day, I look at myself in the mirror. Isn't that fairly normal? Out of a shower, or while trying on clothes, I check myself out from every angle. Normally I obsess over this and find everything wrong with how I look and end up deflated. But this past week I've changed my perspective and have been finding the things I like. I've been telling myself I Love My Body. (And I keep singing Charlie Boy - help!) But it's working. And I've been identifying things about my body that I like. Such as...

I have small boobs, which mean I can wear a tube top comfortably.

I have curvy hips, which make my figure look vintage like a 50's model.

My arms are taking shape and actually feel like muscle when I flex.

My profile is shapely and pretty.

I'm sticking to my keto diet too, though I did not deprive myself of birthday cake on Jaguar's birthday. I'm trying not to focus on weight loss numbers, but I'm happy to see a little weight coming off according to the scales. I'm happy with the quick and drastic change I'm already seeing in my tummy. The more I work out and the better I eat, the better I feel about my stomach. It's got a lot of toning to do, but I'm happier with how I look. I can look in the mirror and force myself to say 'I love my body' and I'm starting to kind of mean it. I can wear shorts to the gym and think, 'Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's hot outside, it's hot while working out, and damnit, I am - almost - comfortable with how I look.'

But more than how I look, I'm starting to appreciate my body for what it can do. I'm getting stronger. I can squat longer and deeper than I could before. I can lift heavier weights now than when I started working out five months ago. I don't get nearly as exhausted after a work out as I used to. I don't crave junk food nearly as much as I used to and feel completely in control of what I choose to eat. I feel more energetic, less stressed, more in control and less depressed. My body is good. My body is strong. My body is - dare I say it? - beautiful.

I'll even post a picture of it. And resist the urge to comment on the parts of the picture (and my body) I'm still learning to love.

Love My Body Project

Today is the first day of July. It's summer and super hot outside. Summer and super hot means swimsuit weather! And shorts. And tank tops. It means wearing as little clothing as socially acceptable to keep from dying of heat stroke.

This is great news for people who love their bodies and are comfortable in their own skin. It's not so great for the rest of us.

From a young age, I've been very self-conscious about my shape, weight and body image. I've always wanted to be skinny. When I was a teen, it wasn't too hard to stay thin, though my bone structure was never one that allowed me to be below a size 8. In college, I gained 'the freshman fifteen', but I was still pretty thin, and if I ever wanted to lose a few pounds, I just... did. I practically thought about it, and it was gone.

Then, as we post-teenage ladies know, time goes on, metabolism slows, and for some of us, we start having babies. Our hips widen, our bodies cling to extra fat reserves for possible future pregnancies, and if we've been pregnant, our skin stretches and our breasts fill with milk then sag (whether we breastfeed or not). Those photos of us in bikinis at sixteen laughing by the pool seem like photos from another life. Photos of us in bikinis now are hard to recognize, because we've put our hands out in front of the camera while screaming, 'NO!'. That is, if we were even in a bikini at all. More likely, we've moved on to tankinis or one-pieces with skirts, a coverup and a towel.

In the last year, I've gained weight, and I've been miserable about it. My mental health hasn't been optimal to begin with, and this obsession with my weight has made it even worse. I spend a majority of the day thinking, either directly or indirectly, about my weight, my figure, my shape and how others perceive me. To an unhealthy extent, I obsess about how I look.

Since February, I've been visiting the gym regularly. I go because it gives me something to do and because I like how it makes me feel. I also hoped it would help me lose a few pounds. Instead, I've only gained. Perhaps it's muscle, perhaps not, but the numbers on the scale haunt me anyway. I've tried counting calories and other half-hearted diet changes, but I always fail. I did keto in January for a month, but having house-guests quickly made that incredibly difficult to maintain. I have felt defeated, depressed and anxious about my body.

As the heat builds, and I look longingly at the shorts in my drawer, I reach for the thin cotton trousers instead to hide the body I don't want anyone to see, the body I'm ashamed of, the body I hate.



A couple of days ago I watched this video on Upworthy, where 'Plus Size' model Robyn Lawley says 'I love my body the way it is.'


I thought, 'Wow. I'd love to be able to say that about myself.'

I decided it was time to embrace the body I live in. I could use to lose a few pounds, yes, and I'd be healthier for it. I decided to go back on keto with Scott and to up my time at the gym. But my motivation is a little different this time.

Instead of being motivated to get down to a certain weight or a certain clothes size, my motivation is to love my body. However it looks. If I eat better, cut out carbs, workout more regularly, then I will be getting healthier. I may or may not lose a lot of weight. Eventually, once I break the ingrained carb addiction, I'll start allowing myself a treat now and again - after all, I only get to live once, and I don't want to live my whole life continually obsessing about food and weight! I want to enjoy food as I always have, while also enjoying the way I look and feel in my own skin (and fat stores). I know I'll never be 'skinny'. My natural weight may just be higher than I wish it were. But my goal now is to be healthier, not necessarily much skinnier, and to learn to love my body. While I'd like to fit more comfortably in my clothes (they have definitely gotten tighter over the last year), I'd also like to be able to honestly say 'I love my body'.

I like how this model commented that the more you actually say 'I love my body' the more it works. It gave me the idea to start a Love My Body Project (which I'm sure has already been done officially elsewhere, so it's not like I'm trying to start a 'thing'). I've decided that each day for the whole month of July, I will stand in front of my mirror and compliment myself. I will find something about the way I look (and not just in my face, but from my whole body) and compliment myself on it. And I will look in the mirror and say, 'I love my body' and try to mean it.

Today, I noticed that when I'm sitting with my knees up and my feet on the ottoman, my legs look smooth and sexy. I told myself how nice my legs look when they are in that position.

It's not much. I certainly don't like them when they are flat and mashed out against the chair (but who does?). It's just a start. Today I love my legs when they are in that position.

Today, I stand in front of the mirror and say, 'I love my body.' It's summer, and I'm going to wear shorts and I'm going to love my body.

(And now I need to put away all the laundry on the couch...)

Keeping Busy, With This and That

For someone who has taken a back seat to getting involved in too many things - and I've taken, like, the very back seat of the megabus here - I've managed to still get myself very busy lately. However, this time I'm doing things I love, not things that I'm obligated to do, and oh, man that kind of makes me sound like a spoiled, pampered upper class housewife, so let me start over...

Last year's theme was Simplicity. This year's themes are Satisfaction and Motivation. I started 'theming' my years last year with my annual 40 Questions. Simplicity was the year I really needed to streamline my life - in both material possessions and in activities. I had gotten myself involved in far too much, which meant I couldn't actually give any one thing enough care and attention to do it properly. It also meant I was away from home so much, I felt I couldn't keep housework under control or spend enough time with my kids and husband. It was the year we moved from Scotland to the US, so I really had no choice but to simplify my commitments and my belongings.

In doing all that, and then moving across the pond, I realized I had simplified so much that I owned practically nothing, which I perceived as a bad thing, and moving to a new place meant I had very few friends and no activities to get involved with. Thus Satisfaction (and subsequently Motivation) were introduced as my 2014 themes. Can I be satisfied with what I have? Can I be satisfied with this new laid-back - super laid-back - lifestyle, with not being involved in anything? The answer seemed to be that I needed to learn what I can or can't live without and to be satisfied with that. And as for not having friends or things to do, that was going to require a little motivation on my part to achieve.

And in all honesty, I've not done well on either of those challenges.

We have accumulated a lot of stuff that we don't need and don't satisfy me to have. I still haven't been very motivated to get outside my comfort zone and get involved with anything or anyone. It's still very depressing for me. I know I don't want to live here in Arkansas long term, and that's keeping me from making the effort to make close friends or get involved with anything. It's pretty much entirely my own fault that I have very little life outside my home right now.

Soooooo, having laid all that out there, what I meant to say was, for someone who is no longer childminding full time, teaching baby signing, running an online shop, volunteering on committees, rehearsing for musicals, leading worship at church, studying Gaelic, and juggling kids' ballet, football, drama and tennis schedules, I've been a pretty busy lady lately. Mostly from home. And what I'm finding is, it's kind of satisfying. For now at least.

Working
I have my one business. Just one. It isn't extremely busy, it doesn't take very much planning, and the actual work involved is fun and energizing. Having my own Pampered Chef business has been perfect. It gets me out of the house to parties (I love that my job is all about partying), makes us a little extra money and gives me something to be excited about. It does require me to work at getting parties lined up, which is the hard part, but everything else about it is really easy and fun. My goal is six parties a month, though lately it's been only two to four, but those parties, plus holding booths at vendors' events, keeps me fairly busy.



I get to make and eat things like this for money!
Reading
I've joined a book club. Two, actually, though I've only been to one meeting of either... However, I have actually bought and am reading the book for Book Club #2 (which is named "Velociraptors in an Opium Den" which I guess I'll understand the context of some day) and have the next meeting on my calendar... I intend to go, having read the entire book, and I'll even bring some food. That's involvement, people! That's a pretty big step for me at this pathetic stage of my life. We are reading An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England by Brock Clarke; I'm halfway through. It's good to have a book in my hands again. We sold/gave away almost all of our books when we moved. Not having a bookshelf in my new house makes me feel uneducated, nonintellectual, and dare I say it, unsatisfied. I have a series of books on my 'to read' list and in my Amazon cart, for after pay day. Next two books on the purchase list: Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why by Bart D. Ehrman and The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream and Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama. As a Christian, I was always reading theology. It appears that now as a post-Christian, I still like the same genre! Politics, however, are my new interest. Religion and politics. The two things you should never talk about in polite company.



It was this book that got me interested in Obama's autobiographies...
Sidebar: You may wonder why I want to purchase books instead of check them out of the library or read them on a Kindle. Three reasons:
1) I want to build back up a collection of books. I re-read books all the time and love having them at my fingertips. I have books I re-read practically once a year. I don't want to go back to the library to check out a book multiple times. I also love having my own home library which leads me to...
2) I already said I feel uneducated, nonintellectual and unsatisfied with no books in my house. I want my kids to grow up surrounded by books. I want them to have books they can pull off the shelf at any time if they look interesting to them. I grew up surrounded by books - theology, biographies, fiction, encyclopedias - and I want my kids to do the same. Scott is also a reader - he's into early sci-fi - and together, we had a pretty fantastic library until we - sob, hiccup - had to part with them all. Damn, I miss my books.



All my books fit in this one shelf. Waaaah!
Oh yeah, and 3) I hate e-readers. I like real live books with paper pages.

Writing
I'm writing a book. I'm not ready yet to talk about what I'm writing or let anyone read it, but it does fill my time, and it's something I've always wanted - nay, needed - to do. I've been writing since I was old enough to print. I've been writing stories as far back as I can remember. I wrote a book in fifth grade titled Boys R Poo and if only I could get my hands on that incredible piece of literature... I'm sure I'd cry with horror over how embarrassing it is. I graduated college with a degree in English, with an emphasis in Creative Writing. I've written a book of poetry and self-published it as an eBook (which by all means, go buy. Right now.) But a book, writing an actual book, has always been on my bucket list. It's getting to the awful stage right now, the 'this is so not f***ing worth it, why am I wasting my time?, oh this is going to be terrible, I have to finish it though, I've come so far, but oh no one is ever going to want to read this drivel!' stage. Which, since I've never written a whole book before, may or may not be something like transition in childbirth. I don't know.




My e-book had to count as satisfying the 'before 30' part.

Sewing
Now that I have my new sewing machine, the thing I missed most after my books, I've started making stuff again. It's hard to find the time sometimes, but when I do get a few scraps of free time, I've been on my machine. I made another Jaguarator and I've started making taggie blankets. I'm even considering making some taggies to sell. Ohhhh I can see myself slipping into that second home business trap again, but I can guarantee it won't become an online shop! I also want to make some new clothes. I've got a couple of peasant skirts I want to make myself in time for summer (if summer ever comes to this god-forsaken cold town - this cold weather is NOT what I signed up for when we moved back to the South) and some dresses for the girls. I love having a sewing machine again!



Because babies love chewing on the tags.
Mummying
Not to be confused with the practice of wrapping dead bodies in cloths and embalming oils, though at times I feel like a dead person being kept preserved by another person's will, mummying keeps me fairly busy. Lolly starts kindergarten in only four and a half months, but until then, she and Jaguar keep me going full steam most days.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. Having her home with me again after a year and a half of her being in nursery (pre-school) has been tough, but it's been amazing for our relationship. She's a tough cookie to get to close to. This year has been really special for us, as a mummy and daughter. The child I thought I'd never understand, the child who kept me at a slight emotional distance, even as a toddler, has welcomed me into her inner lair and shared her little soul with me this year. We have become best friends through this unexpected year off. She drives me insane, and some days I'm pretty sure drugs wouldn't be such a terrible thing to get into after all, but it's worth it. Like taking her to her homeschool group's Box Car Derby this morning. She painted and decorated her own car, which I'm not going to lie, was one of those 'Anyone got any heroin?' experiences, but at the derby, she was so proud of her beautiful car and so excited to be in a race.



She told me, 'Mummy, I promise you I'll win.' And she did. That's my girl!
Extracurricular activities keep me mummying too. Soccer has started up again, too, so on Tuesday and Thursday evenings, I'm hitting the soccer fields again for two hours of watching Fifi then Lolly practice. Fifi is in Girl Scouts as well which is every other Thursday night. So those are my social nights, sitting on the bleachers with the other soccer moms and dads, cheering on our little tripping, bumbling wonders of biology and nature.



Selling the crap out of some cookies.



I've started calling it 'soccer' instead of 'football'. Waaaah!
Exercising
Fifinally, how could I forget? My least favourite but most rewarding hours of the week? Here's where motivation really comes into play - the gym. I try to go at least twice a week, if not three times. This is my other social outlet, though I don't really socialize very much while I'm there. I'm too out of breath to try talking. I'm still going to my fitness classes while Lolly goes to hers, and today I had a little epiphany. Or maybe it was less an epiphany but a kick up the backside. Instead of hating every moment of these classes (I just frickin' hate cardio!), I realized I needed to pace myself. Once again, a little like childbirth. If you go into a work out (or childbirth) already defeated, already ready to be miserable, then you will have a hard time getting through it. But if you pace yourself mentally, beginning with, 'Okay, I can do this, I'm feeling good, I'm working' then graduate to 'Whew, yep, I'm working all right, but I can maintain this, I can keep going' to finally, 'Right, now it's getting hard, I will keep going but this really is getting tough now', you'll get through it a lot more easily. And surprisingly, at the end of the work out today, I didn't feel like I was going to die or cry, because I'd mentally paced myself. I realized I was actually in good enough shape that if forced (and only if forced) I could keep going. Unfortunately, this is where the childbirth illustration breaks down, because in childbirth, when you hit the 'F*** this, I can't do this anymore!', well, hello, baby, is that a head I see? And you don't have the luxury of stopping any time soon, you just gotta keep working through that mess.

The Summer Jaguarnator and Other Motivated Doings

Today was one of those rare, motivated days, where I had lots of things I wanted to do... and I actually did a fair number of them!

I usually go to the gym on Wednesday mornings, so Lolly can go to her swimming class and I go to Step Aerobics. I woke up feeling... well... not unwell but unwilling to go through the effort of a class plus drying Lolly off while trying to keep Jaguar from diving into the pool fully dressed and un-life-vested. Besides, there were a million things I wanted to accomplish, and with an afternoon doctor's appointment booked, I knew there was limited hours in my day.

So I got up and did my stuff.

I actually did it!

I cleaned. I washed and folded ALL the laundry in the house (last loads are washing and drying now). I cleaned Jaguar's room, researched new vacuum cleaners online, played outside with the kids for a little while, made lunch, and - here's the exciting part - started figuring out my new sewing machine!

My birthday present from Scott (one of them anyway) is my new sewing machine. This thing is AWESOME. It's a lot fancier than what I was planning on getting, but I'm so glad now that Scott encouraged me to choose a great one, instead of just a good one. This machine has 100 different stitches! Which I admit was a little daunting. It's electronic instead of mechanical - also daunting - with features like an automatic needle-threader and automatic button-holes.

(My other birthday present from Scott?  Two tickets to go see Les Miserables at the Little Rock Repertory Theater on Sunday!  One for me and one for... not him... but my bestie Devon!  He figured I'd have more fun seeing it with a fellow theater geek than with him.)

It arrived last week (the machine), but I didn't take it out of its box until Monday. It sat on my kitchen table all day Tuesday, daunting me. So I really wanted to get a chance to tackle it sometime soon, and I did it today.

I LOVE IT.

I started out just practicing some stitches on scrap fabric. Lolly watched and wanted me to make her something. I grabbed some scrap fabric from her flower girl dress I made last month and made her a quick little bunny. Then of course Jaguar wanted one. And when Fifi got home from school, she wanted one. Then Lolly's little neighbour buddy wanted one. I got kind of good at making quick scrap bunnies, let me tell you. I also mended an old dress, one I bought back in college from Cheap Thrills in Fayetteville, that I better be able to fit back into now that I've done all the mending I've been putting off for years.

A few weeks ago, all excited from ordering my machine, I bought some fabric for making Jaguar a new Jaguarnator for summer time. I held up two appropriate little boy fabrics and he grabbed the monkey one and cuddled it. Monkey print chosen.

Today was the first really hot evening (and by really hot, it was in the 70s). Soon, the old fleecy Jaguarnator is going to be too hot, so I decided tonight was the night. I got out my dressmaking scissors, my ruler, my notions box and got to work, designing a new, more precise, Jaguarnator.


(I wish I'd had some pattern-paper. I was mega precise this time, with measurements and everything. It would've been nice to make a pattern and never have to measure like that again.)

On my new machine, I experimented with some new stitches I've never used before. It was great fun, and the machine is so fast! I'm still learning on it, and so my finished product does have a few imperfections (everything I create does), but it's functional and cute and I can't wait to put Jaguar in it tomorrow night!

(I also learned a little about fitting zippers. I still need to learn about turning under curved edges without bumffling up the hem...)

The only thing I didn't do today was read more of my book for book club, An Arsonist's Guide to Writers' Homes in New England. I'm loving it!


(Wow, I need to update my Shelfari shelf...)

The "Project" That Shall Not Be Named

A goofy Fifi picture

Tonight, I'm taking a break from writing. Except that I'm blogging, which is writing which means I'm not taking a break.

For the past full week, I've spent every spare moment writing. I don't know what's gotten into me, but whatever it is, it wants out. I posted a glimpse of what's being going on in my head a few days ago, but most of this is getting saved and quietly digested as I try to decide what it even is.

All I know is the last time I started something that I felt really passionate about but didn't know where the obsession was taking me, it turned into my Lunch Is Boring bento business. (Gosh, I miss that business.) Lately, all these memories, most of them kind of scratchy and raw, have been clawing out of me onto computer screen. It's been cathartic and exhilarating and draining. Somehow I feel that dredging up the past is helping me understand my present, and maybe my future.

It's probably just a load of bollocks, but that hasn't stopped me from constant writing.

Tonight, however, I'm taking a break from it. I need a breather. I need to reconnect with the present. Saying that, last night I felt the same way and ended up writing six pages on "the present". No, I'm taking a break now from thinking *period* and from scraping my insides out like cantaloupe seeds. Scott and I are going to watch Community and then I might read a book or mess around on Facebook or go to sleep. The writing bug is on me, but tonight I'm swatting it away. I feel like this whole week I've been living underwater, and I need to emerge briefly to take a breath before diving back down into it. Any other writers feel this way? Or is taking a break the death of my project?

...For I'm only willing to call it a "project" right now until I know for sure what it is.

And now I'm stepping away from the computer, because even thinking about it is sparking ideas that need to get put down in words, and I'm TAKING A DAMN BREAK. I haven't spent quality time with my husband all week, though he is fully supportive of my new writing streak, excited for me even.

I'll blog as often as I can in the new few days/weeks/however long, but I'll be keeping *most* of my project to myself for the time being.

TV time!

Baby Con-TRAP-tions

Today was a very special day. Today, Lolly and Jaguar met the 'real Santa'. He had a real beard and all. And a very fancy suit, not one of those cheap ones. He had the glasses, he had the boots, he had it all. Except for the reindeer. Lolly was seriously worked up over the lack of reindeer and how he got here from the North Pole without his sleigh. Cover nearly BLOWN.

The Real Santa came to our library this morning. For the first year, Lolly gladly sat on his knee and told him what she wanted. Powerpuff Girls, of course, and a unicorn. Jaguar also sat in his lap, tear-free. He was highly curious of Santa when he came in, yet more dubious as we approached him. I hinted to Santa that Jaguar would willingly come if bribed with a candy cane. Sure enough, when Santa held out that sweet treat, Jaguar toddled right over and allowed Santa to pull him up on his lap for a picture.

Isn't he a jolly old soul?

CANDY.

(It's been said before, but it must be said again - WHY do we think it's okay to sit our little children on the laps of men we've never met before at Christmas, after telling them all year long to avoid getting overly chummy with all the rest of the world's creepy strangers?)

Fifi almost ended up at the library with us. Last evening, she started complaining of an earache and running a mild temperature. She was acting truly miserable which clued us in that it was for real. She had red cheeks, she whimpered in her sleep. I was sure she had an ear infection. I was all geared up for keeping her off school this morning to arrange a doctor's visit, and since ear infections aren't contagious, taking her to the library with us. But she awoke this morning fairly bright and said it didn't hurt really any more, so we think maybe it was just trapped water or the cold weather or something.

Banoffee wasn't so lucky. We found Banoffee this morning lying in the tissue box clutching a baby doll surrounded by used tissues and cold medicine. We decided to give him a day off elf duties and let him sleep it off. Hopefully he'll be back to his usual cheeky elf self tomorrow.


(And once again, idea stolen. It just happened to really work really perfectly into our lives yesterday.)

We were busy most of the day any way. School started an hour later this morning, so after school drop off, running a few errands, and getting some bits and bobs at Walmart, we came home, made pizza for lunch, and Lolly and Jaguar watched TV while I got out the sewing machine to work on a project (to be discussed post-haste). Then this evening, I made yummy broccoli soup and cornbread for dinner and the girls had an indoor Treasure Hunt as their Advent Activity.

MY KIDS IN JAMMIES SLAY ME.

I stole the idea a few years ago from some website, so I can't credit it here. I hope through the years I've changed the little poems enough that it's not TECHNICALLY plagarizing, but I'm probably still committing a crime posting it. If anyone ever discovers its true origin, tell me where I find it and I will link the crap out of it, because it was awesome. The little poem clues I used are are the bottom of this post if you want to use them. The kids had to follow the clues all around the house to find an early Christmas present. Originally, that present was going to be homemade Powerpuff Girl dolls, one for each child, but when Fifi drew the ticket out of the Advent calendar this morning, I remembered I had not yet even attempted making them yet. I had another idea instead... magnetic paper dolls. But Walmart was out of magnetic printer sheets, so I had to think up something else again. The kids love board games, so I slipped a Candyland box into the shopping trolley and wrapped it later when Lolly was busy watching Bubbles, Blossom and Buttercup save the world for the bazillionth time. The kids had a great time running all over the house responding to clues and then opening their present.






So... back to that sewing machine. What did I spend my afternoon doing, while my precious offspring rotted their brains with television (Netflix, to be exact)? I spent it devising and creating my secret nighttime weapon - the Jaguarator.


This toddler-sized sleeping bag idea came to me late in the night two nights ago as I lay staring at the ceiling, listening to Jaguar cry and crawl out of his crib every couple of minutes. I needed something that would make it impossible for him to hike his leg up over the crib, without actually tying his legs up, which just seemed a little ... child protective services. Then I remembered the sleeping bags babies sleep in and decided I could make one myself. I imagined up the pattern and the sewing order and what materials I'd need all night long while I didn't sleep.

I'd planned on making it out of thin fleece and lining it with cotton, but Walmart's fabric section only has so much, and I wasn't even considering heading into the metropolitan area to find a real fabric store. Lolly found this cute red polyester thick fleecy-type fabric with puppies all over and it was kind of perfect. It was a bit more expensive than some of the other things, but it was thick and soft enough not to need a lining, so the cost evened out. The fabric and the zipper together cost me $10. To buy one of these things manufactured from a shop we're talking so, so much more.

I came home, set up my mom's sewing machine and laid the fabric out to create a 'pattern'. And by 'pattern', I mean I totally eye-balled it. I took one of Jaguar's larger sleepsuits and laid it over the fabric to get an impression of how big it needed to be. I cut out a shape around the sleepsuit a few inches larger all around for comfort. I cut the front part in half so I could insert the zipper. I eye-balled the straps too, which were actually my biggest mistake.

When I cut out the straps, I folded the pieces in half to make them even on both sides, but when I unfolded it, I realized I'd made the neck room extremely tight. I started imagining the headlines: BABY STRANGLED BY OWN MOTHER'S HANDMADE BABY SLEEPER. So I started messing around with it, cutting the neck line lower in the front, almost into a v-neck. Finally I realized if I cut any more I was going to ruin the whole thing, so I just went with it. Once I'd put the whole suit together, and tried it on Jaguar, I discovered that not only would my original neckline have been already too gapey, but with the new cuts I'd made, it was huge. The baby would've been able to squirm right out of the top. I readjusted and tightended the straps, thankful I'd given myself so many extra inches at the bottom, and the bag fit perfectly.


Jaguar was able to walk around without tripping, but the real test was the crib. I placed him into the crib with a bright smile and stood in front of him, hands on hips, waiting to see what he'd do. Sure enough, that little leg came climbing up... and stopped. He couldn't get it any higher. He started pulling at the bottom of the bag to loosen it but it was firm! He was stuck! I plucked him up out of his crib with exorbitant glee. I win! I WIN!!!

However, I might want to refrain from counting my chickens before they are hatched. He's in his crib asleep right now in his warm blanket / baby trap. When he wakes up at 2am, we'll know for sure if the Jaguarator is a true success.


(No, this photo doesn't fit in anywhere, but it's so cute, right? Any guesses where he learned to handle a keyboard and mouse so eloquently?)

**And as promised...
The Indoor Treasure Hunt

Again, I have no idea where I found this on the web. It may have even been a collaboration from several sites. Please don't sue me, I have no money.

Cut out the clues and hang them in the right spots. Each clue will take them to the next spot with the next clue until they come to the end and find the treasure.

Follow this clue to a very cold place,
where ice cubes and popsicles fill up the space.
Go into the kitchen to solve this brain-teaser,
and open the door to the family’s _______.

Follow this clue to a very dark spot
Where bedding and linen and towels may be got
Go to the hallway (go there yourself)
The clue will be hidden up high on a ______.

Numbers and letters
combine on the screen,
where I made up this rhyme...
can you find the machine?

When you're feeling less than fresh
or you want to have a laugh,
you wash and get all squeaky clean
inside a warm bubble _________.

Dora, Peppa, Charlie and Lola -
are what the children like to see.
Shows like Gilmore Girls and Scrubs
are what Mummy puts on the ________.

This place is mostly filled with papers
that often bring you glee
Like letters and packages,
plus the bills you'd rather not see.

At breakfast and dinner
and sometimes lunch when we are able,
we set out the dishes and put out the food
and we gather around the kitchen ________.

Our cleans just keep getting dirty
and we put them here to get them clean.
We like to take turns pouring in the soap
and pushing the buttons on the washing _______.

Up and down, and up and down
you climb these every day.
You've likely seen the clue on these,
but passed it anyway.

This room is for the kids to sleep
when going to bed for the night.
Let's hope the bed is comfortable
and sheets are clean and white.

Be the first back to the room
where this hunt did begin
If you're the first you'll hear the words,
"Congrats, to you... YOU WIN!"

Simplicity & Satisfaction: Lessons Learned from The October Dress Project 2013

The October Dress Project is OVER! This morning, I put on jeans, a tunic that I brought over from Scotland (sleeveless but woolly like winter), a velvet jacket and my brown flats, and I felt AMAZING. No stripes. No black and white. A top I can comfortably breastfeed in. I didn't even care that my hair wasn't fixed; I was just happy to be in something else.


Last year, post-ODP, my lesson learned was Simplicity. I made it my theme for 2013 to learn about Simplicity. And boy did I. After the project last year, I started clearing things out - clothes, junk. In January, Scott and I made the official decision between us to start applying for immigration to the US, and I did more clearing out. By June, we had eliminated nearly all of our worldly goods, retaining only what fit in twelve suitcases (two per flying passenger) and a few boxes to be kept in Scotland in family members' cellars. In this past year, I have learned a lot about Simplicity. I've learned I can do without a lot of things I once thought necessary. Aside from material things, I also took the theme to mean simplicity in my personal life. I allowed myself to cut back from certain things while still in Scotland to focus on what really matters. I made the choice to NOT get involved in so much when I moved to Arkansas. Instead of filling my entire life with so much that I hardly had time to think, I decided I would simplify my commitments to one or two things that really mattered to me. I've kept this, though with the time constraints I'm already under, it doesn't seem so. I now have only one business (The Pampered Chef) instead of three, no volunteer organizations (though I've been tempted by the PTA and Girl Scouts), and the kids are in one after school activity only. Though Pampered Chef and soccer have managed to take over my life (in a good way), they are my only commitments, and it feels pretty good. The simple life for me could certainly be simpler, but my lesson has been well-accepted and I'm learning.

This year, my post-ODP lesson must be about Satisfaction. If I look back over my last 31 days, the overwhelming feeling would be dis-satisfaction. Dissatified with my wardrobe and my lack of everyday household 'stuff' that I'm used to having at my fingertips, I've felt grumpy and unhappy. I think it's time to learn to be Satisfied with Simplicity. I started off so happy with having so little, but as school projects and costumes and Christmas decorating come up, and I don't have all those little bits and bobs I used to have, I've become unhappy with what I (don't) have any more.

I remind myself that we have started COMPLETELY over. This is the most complete re-start of my life. Moving to college, I still had all my stuff. Moving to Scotland I had some stuff, but Scott had the rest. Moving to Scotland WAS difficult; I remember a feeling similar to this one now, when all I wanted to do was draw or paint something and I had no art supplies. I remember having Scott drive me (because I couldn't drive yet) to the Arts, Crafts and Hobbies shop on Cathcart Street, where I purchased a drawing pad and a box of pencils - because I didn't even have pencils. Yet only about a year later, I had everything back again that I wanted. It took time, but before I knew it, my house and life were materially furnished.

This time next year, I remind myself, I'll probably be back to normal. I won't be in the kitchen stirring up a cake mix only to realize I don't have a cake pan (which happened a few weeks ago). I won't need to buy a blender with my grocery shopping so I can make soup (like I did yesterday). I'll have summer AND winter clothes. It just takes time to rebuild your life.

I am so very, very thankful and lucky when I think about it really... some people lose everything, not by choice, but by horrible circumstance - fire, theft, unemployment. We are not so bad off really. We got to choose to let go of our belongings and we got to choose what we wanted to keep.

So this upcoming year, starting now I guess, my new Life Theme is Satisfaction. Like Simplicity, it goes much further than clothes and belongings. I started a learning process about simplifying everything in my life. Now I begin the journey of being satisfied with my life. That will inevitably include satisfaction with my small but growing group of friends, my small but growing business, myself and all my shortcomings, my children and their shortcomings, my husband who, though he would deny it, has one or two shortcomings, and my faith which is simply short-in-coming and small but not growing.

Remarkably it seems I did get something out of the October Dress Project after all. I grade it Satisfactory.

ODP Days 29, 30 and - Finally - 31!

Ohhh what a long and not fun month this has been! So different from last year when I could've kept up with the Project for another month. I loved doing this last year; I pretty much hated it this year. I nearly gave up so many times. Two days of the month I never even wore The Dress at all. But finally, the 31st has come and I am able to say I *mostly* made it.

Day 29:


Getting lazy with ideas, I wore The Dress with a black long-sleeved shirt, black leggings and a burgandy floral scarf. Brown flats.

Day 30:


Practically the same outfit as the day before, except the (same) black shirt was UNDER The Dress, and I changed scarves. And shoes. Not well-pictured, but I'm wearing nude heels. And there is an Lolly hiding behind me.

Day 31 - Halloween:


I've been waiting to wear this Harry Potter t-shirt with built-in black cape for weeks. Annoyingly, you can't see the attached cape in this photo. Today the outift cum costume consisted of The Dress with a Griffindor student shirt with cape (to represent a robe), grey school knee socks and brown flats. I wore my quickly-becoming-favourite chunky brown necklace, some brown earrings and my hair pulled back in bobby pins, the world's easiest way to fix frizzy hair. I called my costume 'Harry Potter Movie Extra'.

The kids had fun this Halloween. Usually I like to get really creative at Halloween and make fun costumes and make fun decorations, but this year, we had to go simple and make do with what we have. I did buy both girls butterfly wings, which they wore at differing times, but those wings and my t-shirt were the only Halloween costume pieces I bought this year. The rest just consisted of what we already had. How's that for Simplicity, eh?

Over the course of yesterday and today, the kids have chosen multiple Halloween costumes for their multiple events.

Fifi is doing 'Red Ribbon Week' at school, so while her outfits haven't exactly been 'costumes', I'm going to refer to them as such. The first day was Inside Out Day, and as I showed in the previous post, she wore Her Dress for the last time on that day. Tuesday was 50's Day, so we put together as 50's-ish an outfit as possible. Yesterday was 'wear camouflage or hunter's orange' day (which, what?). Having nothing of the sort, I took an XL men's orange jack-o-lantern t-shirt from my mom that she didn't need and took it in down the sides to make Fifi a jack-o-lantern dress. (Never got a photo of that. Grr.) Then last night we took the kids to a local church's 'Trunk or Treat', and Fifi wore her Hermione costume. This she also wore to school today for Book Character Day. I checked her out of school at lunch time to go to a Fall Carnival at my mom's work, and she changed into her butterfly costume. We came home from that, had dinner, and then prepared for Trick or Treating in the neighborhood. For that, she put on her Portuguese Princess costume.

50's Day

Hermione from Harry Potter

Butterfly

Fairy Princess

Lolly's various costumes included being a Spanish Dancer last night to Trunk or Treat, and then she dressed as a 'Dora Butterfly' for our local library's Halloween party. This consisted of wearing orange shorts and a pink shirt like Dora, but with butterfly wings. I'm highly annoyed at myself for not getting a picture of this either. For the Fall Carnival, she changed into a Dorothy costume, and then for Trick or Treating in the neighborhood, we designed a very spontaneous last-minute costume (because all of a sudden nothing else apparently would do) of SuperGirl - her Superman cape, red tights and a black leotard.

Spanish Dancer

Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz

SuperGirl

And Master Jaguar, too, went through a few outfits. Last night he went as Baby Harry Potter - easiest costume ever, just a lightening streak on his forehead. All day today he was dressed as a skeleton until dinner when he covered himself in food. Not sure what to change him into for Trick or Treating, I suddenly got the idea to try him in his kilt - half to see if it still fits. It does, so for Trick or Treating, he went as Lil Robert Burns.

Ow! My scar!

Skeletor

Tae a Messy Hoose

Oh, and last? I really need to show you what we had for dinner...


Jack-O-Lantern Stuffed Peppers. YUM.