The EVEN NEWER 100 Things About Me

Every now and again, I update my "About Me" page with more up-to-date and accurate information. I wrote the first 100 Things About Me in 2006.  I updated them in 2012.  It's been almost five years since then, and while a few things stay the same (where I was born, for instance), boy-howdy, have things about me changed since 2012! So once again, I present you with the highly self-centered and narcissistic:

Fireworks because this is so awesome.

The EVEN NEWER 100 Things About Me: (2016)

1. I was born, raised and educated in Arkansas, the Natural State. (Previously known as "The Land of Opportunity".)

2. I attended the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville and got my degree in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing.

3. I then married a Scotsman named Scott and moved to Greenock, Scotland, where we stayed for nine years.

4. During those nine years, we created three awesome and insane children, Fifi, Lolly and Jaguar (not their real names).

5. When Jaguar was 10 months old, the five of us moved back to Arkansas.

6. I was a devout Christian for 30+ years.

7. I am now an atheist.

8. I wrote a book about it.

9. In school and college, I went on several mission trips. These trips took me around the world to Venezuela, Mexico, Canada, Israel, Jordan, Pakistan, Wales and Scotland.

10. I've also been to France and England but not on a mission trip.

11. I love languages, and while I am the master of none, I have studied French, Arabic, Scots Gaelic and British Sign Language.  I am very good at English though.

12. In fact, English grammar is my pet passion, and I love it so much that I took an advanced grammar course in college FOR FUN. It was a required course for aspiring English teachers, and I was the only person taking that class as an elective.

13. When I moved to the UK, I purchased Fowler's Modern English Usage, so I could adapt to proper British grammar instead of American. Moving back to the US and re-adapting to American grammar has been confusing.

14. Speaking of grammar, one of my embarrassing intellectual memories includes freshman year in college writing in a paper that I was great at "grammer" and the professor replying in red ink "just not at spelling?". Cringe.

15. Also, I love the Oxford comma, but a career requiring AP style is slowly dousing that flame. I still believe in it but not as passionately as I once did.

16. Speaking of career, I am the regional communications director for the American Red Cross Serving Oklahoma and Arkansas. I have previously kept that anonymous, but to avoid conflict of interest, I fully disclose that now.

17. And I disclose that also to state that all opinions shared in this blog are mine (or used to be mine) and are not the opinions of my employer.  (Disclaimer complete. Moving on.)

18. Before working for the Red Cross, I worked in communications for a health care nonprofit, where I learned that according to AP style, "health care" is two words, not one. However, "voicemail" is now one word.

19. My hobbies change frequently, but over the years they have consisted of baking, sewing, card-making, painting, acting and exercising. The only hobbies that have truly weathered all the seasons of my life though are writing and reading.

20. Hobbies I have tried to take up but failed at miserably include gardening and crocheting.

21. I used to bite my nails horribly until I turned 18. At 18 I decided to become a grown-up and somehow kicked the habit. Now I'm kind of precious about my nails.

22. I do still bite them when I get nervous or anxious though.

23. I get anxious a lot actually and have a serious problem with over-analyzing everything in my life. Even my therapist tells me I need to get out of my own head and stop over-thinking everything.

24. I've just started seeing a therapist. I feel sorry for her.

25. Along with anxiety, I also deal with depression, body image/relationship with food and ADHD.

26. I cope pretty well with all of those things though. Or so I think. My therapist may think otherwise.

27. I also struggle with a whole slough of issues stemming from my life as an evangelical, Calvinist Christian, that I'm only just starting to unpack. I know that's an unpopular thing to say in the Bible Belt where being a Christian is supposed to be the best life choice for happiness and well-being, but in my spiritually masochistic heart, it wasn't.

28. Even though I'm an atheist, I'm not a "militant atheist", and I don't hate believers of any faith. I genuinely hope all people find peace and happiness in their faith or lack thereof. So I will never try to convince someone to stop believing what they believe. I'm afraid too many people don't understand that about me though.

29. I was a DJ for our college radio station, KXUA. I called myself DJ Xia and for some reason always spoke in a low voice while on the air. I certainly hope that I have kicked that habit now, especially as my job requires some on-air time here and there.

30. I like to change the subject sometimes when it gets too intense or controversial.

31. I used to be one to avoid conflict, and at times I still do when the conflict is unnecessary, but I'm also now very good at approaching conflict head on when needed. I will be frank with you if it will make a bad or weird situation better.

32. I am a control freak and a perfectionist.

33. I am ambitious and competitive.

34. I am also a really good listener.

35. I am relentlessly too honest and am trying to learn if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

36. When I was in fifth grade, I accidentally set part of my grandpa's cow field on fire with a bottle rocket. It was absolutely terrifying watching at least an acre, if not more, instantly become engulfed in flames. (No one was hurt.)

37. I was afraid of fire for a very long time after that. Couldn't even stand candles.

38. My other childhood fears were kidnappers and burglars. I blame Unsolved Mysteries and Rescue 911.

39. I also had a lifelong phobia of spiders. FOR REAL PHOBIA. I could not get close enough to them to even kill them or stick a cup over them. But when I moved back to Arkansas as a mother who had to protect her children from the (sometimes venomous) evil eight-legged hellspawn, I had to overcome that fear in order to get close enough to them to kill them. Now I hate them but don't have panic attacks over them. (Which is no lie - I used to have panic attacks over spiders.)

40. I used to have a pet lhaso apso named Bandit. He got dognapped.

41. I always think I'm a pet person, because I love other people's pets. But I'm not good at taking care of my own pets. We've had cats, rabbits, a rat, fish and now a dog. Luckily my husband is a really good dog daddy, and my cat fends for itself.

42. Even knowing I'm not a good pet parent, I still want a lhaso apso or some other kind of lap dog to be my best friend. I also always think I'd like a bird.

43. And for my yard I want chickens and a goat. Scott says absolutely not to the goat, but I think there's wiggle room with the chickens.

44. I am not a vegetarian, even though ethically I think I really should be one. We did try becoming vegetarians once but only lasted a week. I don't really like vegetables.

45. To make up for not being a vegetarian, I buy only free range eggs. I used to only buy free range chicken too, but holy hell that's expensive.

46. Still, every time I pass a chicken truck on the road, I re-evaluate my stance on eating meat.

47. I am a passionate breastfeeding advocate. I used to be a breastfeeding peer supporter with the Breastfeeding Network, and my mummy friends and I started a series of weekly breastfeeding support groups throughout Inverclyde, Scotland.

48. We also started a nonprofit (not-for-profit is actually what it was called, since it was in the UK) called Inverclyde Breastfeeding Mums, and we did some pretty cool stuff.

49. I breastfed all three of my kids for two to two and a half years each.

50. I even tandem fed my daughters for a few months.

51. While a "stay-at-home-mum", I taught baby signing classes, worked as a childminder and ran a online shop called Into Bento, which sold bento boxes and lunch accessories. (The shop is closed, but I've kept the Lunch Is Boring blog online.)

52. I also had the privilege and pleasure of doing some travel writing for SearchScotland.org, now SlainteScotland.com.

53. I used to be the desktop publisher for a private high school in Glasgow. I designed, laid out, wrote for and edited the annual magazine and the monthly newsletters. I saw the job advertised in the paper, had no experience with Photoshop or InDesign whatsoever, but quickly taught myself the basics, interviewed for the job and got hired. It was the best "fake it 'til you make it" experience of my life. It got me on my communications career path.

54. I believe in "fake it 'til you make it", as long as you know you are capable of making it.

55. I am also a chronic sufferer of impostor syndrome, so what do I know?

56. I think I am a strong leader and a good manager. But I'm also a self-doubter and my own worst critic, so ask me again tomorrow and I might say the exact opposite.

57. I used to think of myself as solely right-brained, but as it turns out, I'm pretty left-brained too. I'm creative but analytical, scatterbrained but organized, emotional but rational. I'm either a unicorn or a hot mess.

58. I'm definitely an extrovert though.

59. I'm ENFJ to be precise (Extrovert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging). The F and J are very close to the T and P though (Thinking and Perceiving).

60. I love monkeys. I have a unrealistic dream of having a pet monkey one day, like an organ grinder kind of monkey.

61. My favorite colors are orange, green and purple.

62. I want an orange car.

63. I enjoy sorting and folding laundry. It calms me.

64. I hate sweeping but love vacuuming.

65. I never call it vacuuming; it's still "hoovering" in my mind. Just as gas is still petrol, diapers are still nappies, underwear is still pants, and Scotch is still whisky. Some British and/or Scottish words will never and should never die.

66. Because words like crabbit, dreich, numpty, mingin', boggin', steamin', glaikit and tumpshie just do not have proper English equivalents.

67. I love shoes.

68. I love makeup. I never wore it much until I turned 30. Then, as with the nail biting, I decided to become a grown-up and start wearing it.  I love wearing makeup now.

69. I love my hair. My hair has been every cut, style and color imaginable. It's always been pretty short until I moved back to Arkansas. I've been growing it out ever since, and I LOVE having long hair. It's also managed to stay the same color for a while now, which is weird and likely to change soon.

70. I was in Forensics in high school. Not the study of dead people but competitive speech and drama. My favorite events were poetry reading, improv, duet acting, solo acting and mime. I was actually pretty good at mime.

71. I did musical theater in high school as well but never got a lead role in a musical. I did play Truvy in Steel Magnolias though.

72. So then in Scotland I got involved with amateur dramatics and did theater there too. Again, no lead roles except for Shelby in Steel Magnolias. It was by far my favorite part I ever played.

73. But actually I did play a few other lead roles. In Scotland I performed in pantomimes, which are not the same thing as silent mime, and was the Principal Boy a couple of times. Panto is amazing, and I wish they did them here in the States.

74. In high school I entered two beauty pageants. I was not the beauty pageant type, but hello, scholarships! I got a measly $500 scholarship out of one of them for winning the "Be Yourself Award" or something stupid like that. In the interview, they asked me about my second place state championship award for mime and asked me to do a mime of how I felt getting ready that morning. I wanted to kill myself.

75. I had the best friends in high school. Many of us still keep in touch to this day, and many of us have the most awesome lives now. Class of 2000 was an epic class.

76. I also had some really awesome friends in Scotland. Even though we're an ocean apart, I still know I could call many of them, and they'd be there for me.

77. I now have some awesome friends thanks to the book club I joined. The Velociraptors in an Opium Den ladies are, well, awesome. And we actually read books in this book club.

78. I love to sing. I used to lead worship at church, but now that I don't have church, or musical theater for that matter, I just sing in the car really loud. And sometimes I karaoke.

79. My favorite alcoholic beverages are gin and whisky ("Scotch"). I like my gin with tonic or juice, and I drink my whisky neat.

80. I never win anything, except that one time I won the Glenmorangie grand prize of a weekend trip for eight to stay at the Glenmorangie House in Tain, Scotland. Scott and I, along with three other couples, spent a three-day weekend enjoying activities such as skeet shooting, yachting Loch Ness, strolling along the beach, touring the Glenmorangie distillery and drinking all the free whisky we wanted. Best prize ever.

81. Oh, and I also won a pager from a radio station in the '90s. I was so cool.

82. I used to go to raves in the '90s too. I started out a kandie kid, ended up a jungle lover. My raver name on the rave forums was xialuvsjungle.

83. I then got into indie and became a really unsuccessful hipster.

84. I used to be the door girl at two bars, JR's Lightbulb Club and the Dickson Theater.

85. Other career choices in my past include Little Caesar's and Pizza Hut in high school. I also worked in a law firm during the summers.

86. While at college I also worked in the university's development office. Somehow I managed to do school full time, work in the development office between and after classes, and be the door girl at night. I don't know if college students get more hours in their day than adults do? Or maybe the secret to success is living off $5 Eureka pizzas and Diet Dr Pepper.

87. It certainly wasn't beer, because I did not drink alcohol until I was 21. I got very sick on my 21st birthday.

88. My birthday is April Fools Day.

89. My best birthday party was my 30th. I had a "Music Mania" party complete with karaoke and a DJ and all things '80s and '90s. Everyone dressed up as a music sensation. I was very pregnant but pulled off a pretty sweet Gwen Stefani.

90. I do not think I'd ever like to be pregnant again.

91. I have changed a lot as a mum, but the things I still believe in are gentle parenting (no spanking), babywearing, infant cosleeping, breastfeeding and dinner together around the table. As my kids get older I'm entering a whole new world of parenting, which is terrifying, but I think I'm doing okay.

92. I am without a doubt screwing up my kids.

93. I love working for the Red Cross, as it matches my natural inclination for helping others. I also strongly support other causes, such as LGBT rights and women's rights. I actively support causes such as Lucie's Place, a home for LGBT young people, and Femme International, which provides among other things reusable feminine hygiene products for girls in Africa who would otherwise be unable to attend school for a week every month due to her periods.

94. I am a feminist.

95. For someone who has no problem posting intimate details of her life online and publishing a book about the most vulnerable time in her life, I am very guarded and trust very few people in my real everyday life. In other words, I make no sense.

96. I hate for anyone to see me cry and hate to be seen as weak or needy. I like to be self-sufficient and hate asking for help.

97. I used to collect kokeshi dolls.

98. The only sports I care an ounce for are soccer, tennis and baseball. The only sports team I care about is Glasgow Rangers, and even they are not really on my radar anymore.

99. I love politics. I am a registered Democrat though I'm more left wing than they are.

100. I love making lists.

P.S. My old 100 Thingses are still on the About Me page if you scroll down. They make me giggle, because some are still true and some are SO NOT.

If you could choose one word to sum up your life, what would it be?

A few weeks ago I attended a Women In Networking lunch where author Erin Wood spoke of her book Scars. She first shared with us her varied background, which included having been a high-flying lawyer for many years. The WIN coordinator asked her to sum up her background in one word, and I wish I could remember what she answered (because it was a great answer), but the reason I cannot is because ever since that moment, that question has been churning around in my brain. If I could sum up my life in one word, what would it be?

I feel I too have had quite a varied background. I have worked in a fundraising department of a university, and as a newsletter and magazine writer/editor in a high school. I've been a self-employed baby sign language teacher and a self-employed childminder. I co-founded a breastfeeding charity and volunteered as a breastfeeding peer supporter. I used to speak a lot in church ("five minute spots" we called them) where I shared my faith, and then years later I ended up writing a book about my journey away from faith. Now I work for a non-profit in Communications and am getting more involved with a charity that supports homeless LGBT young people. It all seems rather eclectic, but I feel there is one theme that runs through most of what I do.

Voices. Being one, listening to them.

I have always felt the need to speak up when others cannot, to lend a voice to those still trying to find the words.  In a very literal sense, I did this through teaching babies to sign to their carers, giving them the chance to communicate before they were able to speak. I felt a such a thrill every time a baby did his or her first sign. I remember with pride the first time my daughter signed "cat", indicating she wanted to pet the neighbor's tabby on the way to the car. (Otherwise, I'd have thought she was squirming out of my arms just to be obstinate.) Every time a baby signed "milk" or "food", or even better, something specific like "dog" or "bath", the power and joy of communication was being fostered in that tiny human being.

I was not always so good at listening to voices until I became a breastfeeding supporter. During our training, we learned to just listen. Sometimes all someone needs is a chance for their own voice to be heard. My voice cannot always speak for yours. As a breastfeeding supporter I spent a lot of time just listening, asking questions that allowed the other person to find the words that would eventually empower them. Only after listening could we then become good advocates. As breastfeeding advocates, my peers and I learned how to speak up for breastfeeding mums in a wider space - through interviews, press releases, campaigns, newsletters, and creating support groups.  We  aimed to bring greater public awareness and education to our community regarding the rights of breastfeeding mothers and babies and the health benefits breastfeeding provides. Our goal was to make our community a more acceptable place for mothers to freely feed their babies. Many breastfeeding mums (first time mums especially) find breastfeeding in public daunting; we wanted to build their confidence by surrounding them with support and changing local attitudes. We listened to their voices, and then we spoke on their behalf.

(We also aimed to bridge the sometimes grisly gap between breastfeeding mums and bottle-feeding mums. We started a Baby Cafe that encouraged ALL mums to come together and share their stories with each other, normalizing breastfeeding and destigmatizing bottle-feeding in those kinds of groups.)

When I came out as an atheist, I did so publicly, to be a voice for those who were secretly also questioning their faith or still needing to keep their non-belief under wraps. I know many Christians (and believers from other religions) question their beliefs but are terrified of the consequences should they reject it. Having been a devout Christian myself my whole life, I had experienced that terror myself when I began to doubt.  I wanted to assure those people that someone else has been in their shoes and knows how it feels.  Writing a deeply personal memoir about my experiences cost me a lot personally, but it allowed me to share my words. lend my voice, in a way that could help others find theirs. Now, every private message or email I get that thanks me for putting myself out there makes my vulnerability worth it. Just knowing that I've made someone else feel not so alone is all the reward I need. Just knowing that I've been able to help someone put their own thoughts and feelings into words is indescribably valuable.

I also wanted to bridge a gap between believers and non-believers that is so often too wide for anyone to cross. I wanted to give a voice to non-believers, but I also wanted to be a voice for believers too. Believers are often mocked for their "indoctrination"; I wanted to show that many times, religious people are not actually mindless, brainwashed zombies but intelligent people who have thoroughly thought through their beliefs. (I was always a critical thinker myself as a Christian, though my questions eventually led me to a different conclusion.)

In every aspect of my life, I've realized, there has an element of being a voice for someone who needs one, or sometimes not a voice but an ear to listen to their voices. Voices matter. Your voice matters, everyone's matters. If my eulogy reads, "She listened when I needed to talk, and she spoke for me when I couldn't", that would be legacy enough for me.

If you had to describe your life in one word or a few words, what would it be?

5 Reasons I'm Still Supermom

GLOSSARY

SAHM: Stay-At-Home-Mum

WAHM: Work-At-Home-Mum

WOHM: Work-Outside-Home-Mum

I remember the days in the not so distant past when I was the kind of mummy who wore my babies in slings, breastfed beyond two years, practiced baby-led-weaning, and swore by co-sleeping and never CIO (crying it out). I was the kind of mummy who sat around with her friends drinking tea and talking about the best way to gently discipline without spanking, why attachment parenting is the best way to go, how to prepare the best home remedies for minor ailments, and where we could find fluoride-free toothpaste. I was the kind of mummy who did crafts with her kids, read them books before bedtime, made gorgeous bento box lunches to send with them to school, and took them on playdates to the park with other SAHMs and their kids for some good old fashioned Vitamin D.

I liked being that mummy. I admire that mummy. She was pretty all right.

Now I'm the kind of mummy who forgets to send back signed forms to the school, who runs out of clean uniforms before Friday because she hasn't done the laundry, and who packs pre-packaged food in disposable, non-environmentally friendly bags for lunch.  The mummy who lets them watch too much TV so she can catch a break and shouts way too much when they get unruly.

It's so easy to compare the SAHM me to the WOHM me and see the latter as inferior.  I idealize the former and remember her as certainly far more serene than she actually was, while criticizing the latter. Here's the deal: I need to give the current me some credit. I need to stop comparing and cut myself some slack.

So instead of dwelling on all the things I'm not doing so much anymore, it's time I look at the bright side of the new WOHM me.  Here are five things I am doing right as a mother:

1. I'm modeling feminist empowerment.
This in fact is what I've been doing all along. As a SAHM, I showed my kids that a woman can do whatever she believes is right for her life. I modeled positive feminist values by choosing to stay home with my kids, while my husband supported us, because it was what I (we) believed in.  As a WAHM later down the line, I showed my kids that a woman can start her own business and be creative in finding ways to make money and support her family. I showed them that a woman can both take care of household jobs and run a business and be fulfilled in all these activities. Now, as a WOHM, I am demonstrating that a woman can have a career and be a mother, that women can be as successful as men, and that if a woman wants to work outside the home, she should do so. A woman can do whatever is right for her at whatever stage of her life she is in.  Whether she is a SAHM, WAHM or WOHM, she can be successful and fulfilled in all she does.

(As a side note, Scott has also been modeling feminist values to our children by supporting and agreeing with my work choices all along the way. He shows our son how to respect a woman's capabilities and personal autonomy, while also showing our daughters how a man can and should respect a woman's capabilities and personal autonomy. My husband is a seriously awesome feminist.)

2. I'm not afraid to say I'm sorry.
When the kids act mean or rude, I expect them to apologize. When I act mean or rude, I apologize too. Often times my fuse can be short, and I react no better than a child. When I blow things out of proportion or throw a hissy fit, I am not afraid to say I'm sorry to my kids. I'm not perfect, and if my kids haven't already discovered this, they will soon enough. Teaching them to apologize by example is a life skill I am able to teach on a regular basis! It is not a sign of weakness for a parent to apologize to a child when the parent is in the wrong; it's a demonstration of maturity and humility.

(Side note. Scott is awesome about apologizing to the kids too. We also say we are sorry to each other in front of the kids anytime we have a fight. Apologies aren't just for children.)

3. I talk to them openly about social issues and current events.
We listen to NPR in the car nearly everywhere we go (and when it's not NPR, it's really good music, which is also something we're doing right), and our kids ask us often about the news they hear. We talk openly about the current events and social issues that are discussed. Whether it's a white police officer who shot a black man for no reason, a gay couple being refused a marriage license, the presidential debates, Syrian migrants, or religious freedom, we talk openly about it. We ask the kids to think these things through themselves and encourage them to come up with their own solutions and opinions. We do our best to make our kids aware of the larger world around them and to see themselves as activists who can make the world a better place. Between our three kids, we have a future President of the United States, a schoolteacher, and a Power Ranger. How more activist could they get?

4. I laugh with them.
All these "I I I"s should really be "We We We"s. Scott is 100% all of these things too. As a family, we make a point of being silly as often as possible. We're a bunch of sarcastic so-and-sos who tease the crap out of each other and play silly pranks on each other and make jokes about everything. Sometimes things have to be taken seriously, but we make a point of being lighthearted whenever we can. Life is short and laughter is free.

5. I read.
They say one of the best things you can do for a child's academic success is have books in the home. We are rebuilding our home library after selling everything, and we make it a priority to give the kids plenty of access to books for themselves. Besides just having books in the home, we aim to actively cultivate a love of reading in our kids. We may not have the same perfect routine we used to have of reading books every night before bed, but reading is still a huge part of our family life. My youngest loves being read to, my middle is discovering how exciting it is to sound out the words and read for herself, and my oldest is never further than arm's reach away from a novel twice the size of her. And besides just encouraging them to enjoy reading, I often have my nose in a book too. Without even trying, I am demonstrating a love for reading. I carry one (sometimes two) books with me everywhere I go, and I simply love to read. Actively instilling this in them as well as modeling it in myself is a parenting win. I may not cook organic meals, but I will read the crap out of some books then pass them on to a kid.


READERS:
What is something YOU are doing right in your life? When the easiest thing to do is see all the things you're doing wrong, take a minute to jot down some of the things you are doing right, and share them here!

End of an Era

Today was the first day I ventured out of the house with Jaguar in "big boy" pants.

(He did great for the first part of the day at the gym, not so great later. Eek. Cringe.)

Regardless, the end is in sight. He's two and a half, so yes, he could still be wearing diapers for a while yet, but I have a feeling we're getting close to actually being totally potty trained. He's almost there. It's the end of an era.

Which got me thinking... Jaguar is my End of Eras baby.

A few months ago, I bought him a new stroller. The one we'd brought over with us from Scotland had finally taken it's last stroll. As I paid the cashier more money than I really wanted to pay, it occurred to me: This is the last time I'll ever buy a stroller. At least until I'm a grandma.

And about six months ago, just a few weeks after his second birthday, I breastfed him for the last time. It was unceremonious. I didn't realize it was the last time. I can't even remember when the last time was, it was so unceremonious. We had just finished. It was over. It wasn't until at least a month later when I realized: I'm done breastfeeding. I'll never breastfeed again. Not even when I'm a grandma.

I packed away his cloth diapers a few months ago. He's too big for them now. I don't have the heart to get rid of them just yet, but no one in this family will ever wear them again. The end of my cloth diaper era.

He's in his own bed now. No more cribs.

He drinks out of cups now. No more sippys.

And now he's potty training. Soon, no more diapers.

(Which, incidentally, hurray!)

Happy as No More Diapers makes me, it's also the end of yet another babyhood era in our family. The McFarlane babyhoods are nearly complete. Never again (lord willing and the creek don't rise) will there be another baby in this family. No more breastfeeding. No more baby-led weaning. No more baby-wearing in slings. No more bed-sharing. No more cribs, sippy cups, bibs, muslins. No more diapers.

It's a relief, but it's also kind of sad. We're soon to be a family of kids. Of school-age kids. I mean, in six months, Jaguar will be old enough for pre-school. PRE-SCHOOL. In just over two years, we'll have a child in middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

I don't care if it's a cliche, it's totally freaking true - Kids grow up so fast!

I never shed a tear over Jaguar's last breast feed, the way I did over Lolly's and especially Fifi's. I'm not feeling weepy now either over the end of this baby era. I know I'm truly ready now to say goodbye to our family's babyhoods. But it's sobering. We have only this one life to live and one chance to live it, and, well, a really special part of my life is just about over, never to be repeated. I'll soon be the mother of school children, then teenagers, then college students, leaving me an Empty Nester. And Scott and I will be that old couple who look at each other in our empty house and wonder, "What the heck happens now?" And we'll plan to travel the world, except one of the kids will announce they are having a baby, and we'll suddenly be grandparents instead of globtrotters, and we'll be cool grandparents until our bones get too achy and we can't see through our cataracts and then, at some point, we'll just die.

End of an era indeed.

Okay, feeling a little weepy now.

40 Questions

Ten years in a row! Happy 10 Year "40 Questions" Anniversary to me.

1. What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
I guess among firsts, I got a tax professional to do my taxes for the first time.  And I bought a car from a dealership for the first time. I'm all grown up and stuff.

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Last year's New Year's resolution was to "rigorously save money, to get a little more exercise, eat a little healthier and lose about 15 pounds."  Well, let's see how that went...

I didn't exactly save a lot of money, as in, put a lot in savings, but I managed to budget even better than I was already doing and have continued to keep us from needing a credit card or living in any debt (aside from cars).  I got a lot more exercise than I ever expected and have maintained a gym membership for almost an entire year - February will be my one year gymniversary.  On a good week, I go three times, on a great week I go all five weekdays and on a really bad week I miss completely, but that usually only happens when someone in the house is sick, preventing me from going. (Like it's been for the past three weeks or so...) A typical "bad week" would be one or two visits.  So, I say I've done a far, far better job than I expected, considering I wrote last year that I would probably fail.  I also lost a good amount of weight - 25 lbs! (Though I've put about 5 back on since Thanksgiving.) I think I've done pretty well this year! I'm now only a few pounds over what I was when I got married. :) Bragging over. Moving on.

I also chose Satisfaction as my "theme" for this past year - being satisfied with what I have and where I'm at. Changing what I can but being satisfied with what I can't. I guess I achieved that to an extent, but to be honest, I will just never be satisfied completely with living in Nowheresville, Arkansas.  I just can't, no matter how hard I try.

So. All of that said, what are my resolutions for this year?

First thing I wanted to do, and I've already done this, was to streamline my Facebook Friends list for a fresh new year's start.  I never unfriend people because it seems so mean, and I don't want to hurt any feelings. But there were so many people on my list I either did not even know or just don't have any contact with.  So last night I did a clear out.  I did not delete anyone for any unkind reasons; I have no animosity towards anyone I unfriended. I just decided to start fresh with people I actually keep at least a modicum of communication with.

My other resolution is to get back on keto and lose that last 15 lbs.  My goal this year is lower than my goal was last year, because now I believe I can do it.  I'd also like to do another clear out this year of "stuff", as I've accumulated quite a lot of things I don't really need. Going to have a garage sale in the spring, I think. I like simple, I like clear and clean.

And does getting Jaguar potty-trained count as a resolution?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I got a new niece and a new nephew this year! My brother and his wifey gave birth to their daughter Makaela, and Scott's brother and his wife had their first son, Sam.  Also my step-brother and his wife had a little girl, so that gave me a step-niece as well! Aside from family, my coworker and friend Carrie had a sweet little girl, Greer, only a month ago, a "little" ten pound chunk of cuteness.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one close necessarily, but a theater friend in Scotland passed away just a few days ago on Christmas day. He was one helluva pantomime dame. Never could remember his lines, which only added to the absurdity of panto. He will be missed. His family has been on my mind this week.

5. What countries did you visit?
No other countries this year, and probably none for the foreseeable future. Hence I now change this question to:

5b. What PLACES did you visit?
We went to Nashville, Tennessee to see my old BFF Amanda get married to the love of her life Eric. Beyond that, the furthest we ventured this year was Northwest Arkansas. Sad. Gotta remedy that in 2015.

6. What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
Last year I said, "by the end of 2014 I'd like to have a plan.  A life plan. A rough guide, more like, since my plans never go according to plan.  I'd like to know where we are going to finally settle."  I think we are getting a little closer to that now, though as for "life plan", that might still be asking too much.

This year, I'd like a little more adventure and excitement. 2014 was more or less a blank canvas of a year.  Not much happened. No big ups, no big downs, certainly no adventures.  I'd like to make sure 2015 isn't as blank as this past year was. Girls just wanna have fun, right?

7. What date from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory?
No actual dates stand out, but somewhere around August I breastfed Baby Jaguar for the last time.  I guess I'll never breastfeed again. Kind of sad.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving a full year in Nowheresville?

Ha.  But seriously, probably the exercise thing. Starting a fitness routine and sticking with it longer than a few months. Seeing my body tone up, feeling my strength increasing.  At the start of the year - February - I could barely get through the warm-up of a Kickboxing class, let alone the entire class, without wanting to pass out (or throw up).  Now I can finish a class with plenty of energy to go.  It's an amazing feeling.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Never getting my curtains hung in my living room.  It's been a year and a half, come on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No one suffered anything major this year, touch wood.  We've had a few hospital scares - Jaguar, Fifi - but nothing that amounted to anything.  We have all been off-and-on sick for several weeks though, which in effect RUINED CHRISTMAS (exaggeration, slightly).

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My new car!! I had been driving my Papaw's beat up 1999 Oldsmobile van for a year, and all I wanted was my own car with air conditioning.  Finally in October, we were able to get me a car, and I love it!  She is my precious.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I hope I can say this in the right way, but I want to give a shout out to my mom.  Me coming out as atheist this year has been incredibly hard on her. I know it breaks her heart every day.  But after the initial shock and after having a few good talks about it with me, she has continued to treat me just the same as she always has - with unconditional love.  I hated hurting my family by leaving our family's faith, and I hate that it hurts them daily. But my mom has made me feel like no matter what, she will always still see me as the same person I've always been. She still talks to me the same way as she used to, and there isn't any weirdness between us (at least I don't feel any).  She prays for me constantly, I'm sure of it, but she hasn't made me feel like a disappointment to her.

That goes for quite a few people, really, but my mom gets the award for it this year.

13. What regrets do you have about the past year?
I guess I regret not trying harder to make friends.  Not wanting to settle here permanently has resulted in me sort of unintentionally keeping up a wall around me. I've made friends that I really care about, but I think I've also kept everyone at a slight distance. I regret that, even while I understand it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I'd say most of it went into rebuilding our home.  We got the basics last year - furniture and the like - but this year I spent a lot of money just getting the little things that make a house feel like a home, like curtains (that I never put up) and wall art and extra sheets for beds.  Plus the usual - food, clothes, toys.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My new car. My new sewing machine.  Seeing my old high school friends on holidays.

16. What song/album will always remind you of 2014?
Quiet Company's We Are All Where We Belong.  A former Christian's "coming out atheist" album.  I understood every single word he wrote.

(You can listen to it here for free!)

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? Though I've had some short periods of sadness encroaching upon depression, in general, I've had a much happier year this year.  Exercise has been a large part of that.  And while leaving Christianity came with a lot of pain, the freedom from it has given me so much more happiness.
thinner or fatter? Thinner! Yay!! I have gone down two sizes!
richer or poorer? Richer, thanks to my rockstar of a husband who works super hard and is super smart and has done super well in his new job here. And my little part time job helps too.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Socialize. I've made a few friends this year, but I've been so inside my own head that I haven't made a big enough effort to see them more regularly. Plus, between mornings at the gyms and afternoons cleaning in the house while Jaguar sleeps, there hasn't been a lot of time for socialization.

Also, I wish I'd read more books.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watch Netflix. But I'll probably watch just as much next year. (Just being honest!)

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Well, I picked up a stomach bug a couple of days before Christmas, so our family brunch was postponed until New Year's Day.  A week before Christmas, we celebrated with my dad and step-mom, and on Christmas morning, the kids opened their presents here at home.  That night, I was feeling better, but Scott and two of the kids were then feeling rotten, so I went over to my aunt's for the extended family Christmas dinner.  A lot of the plans I had for Christmas and Christmas Eve never happened, which I was upset about, but in general, we still had a good holiday.  I'm happy now to have all the Christmas stuff put away for another year and to have my house back.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
We've reverted to Skype for talking to my in-laws in Scotland, so probably this year, I've spent the most time on the phone with my friend Devon, who even in this Information Age of texting and email, still enjoys shooting the breeze over the phone! Which is kind of retro and nice.

22. What's your best memory from 2014?
When Andy and Marion (my in-laws) came to visit at the beginning of the year. I hadn't seen Andy in six months, so it was really, really great to see them again.  They are the best in-laws I could ever have asked for.  It was wonderful spending time with them. The best memory from those weeks was sitting up late one night, drinking good whisky and laughing hysterically about everything and anything, everyone's cheeks getting pinker and pinker with good old Scotch merriment!  It's hard to believe now almost a full year has passed without seeing them. I used to see them two or three times a week. I miss them.

23. How have you seen yourself grow as a person this year?
I think I've just learned to be a better person this year.  I've learned that in order for anything to ever get better, we are going to have to actually do something about it. I can't sit back and hope someone else does something, but I myself must take action.  I don't necessarily mean in big things, though I think we all have our part to play in the big stuff, but even in the small things - keeping a friend's kids so they can get out, donating money or time to tornado relief, bringing someone groceries when they are sick, writing a little note to encourage someone.  All the little things that take so little of me but give so much to someone else.

I used to rely on prayer. Now I rely on me.

24. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
Hmm... I'd probably need to scan through my old Netflix views! I can't remember what I watched earlier in the year, but in the past month I've been watching the cheesiest show ever, Monarch of the Glen.  Makes me miss Scotland, even though the show is nothing like the Scotland I lived in!

Black Mirror, by the way, is gut-punchingly incredible.

26. What was the best book(s) you read? What books would you like to read in the next year?
I read several books by Bart Ehrman which were interesting.  I read The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, which I highly recommend! I joined a book club and read some interesting books there, like Gone Girl and The Rosie Project.  I'm currently re-reading (for the sixth or seventh time) The Chrysalids by John Wyndham.

Next year, I need to read 41 by George W Bush since I got it for Christmas from my dad... as long as he reads Dreams From My Father by Barack Obama, which I got him! I'd also like to re-read Silence by Shusako Endo, Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner and Daniel Martin by John Fowles. Any other book recommendations will gladly be taken!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I am ashamed to have gotten into very little new music this year.  In fact, pretty much all the new music I've "discovered" has been pop/R&B from my fitness classes.  And that's nothing to brag about.

My old friend Massey and I have been chatting on Facebook about music though, and he's introduced me to a few new songs and bands that I need to spend a little more time getting into, if I can just find the time!
28. What did you want and get?
Last year's answer: A cat.
This year's answer: Another cat.

Also a car!

29. What did you want and not get?
To move away. (Insert a wink, even though, I'm for reals.)

30. What were your favorite films of this year?
Do parents actually get to see films?  I think we saw a couple. That one with Johnny Depp and the artificial intelligence was good.  Transcendence, that's the one.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I don't think I actually did anything on my birthday this year (32), but at some point after it my family and I went out for Indian food to celebrate.  Scott got me a sewing machine!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If the Republicans hadn't won everything in the last election.
If Hobby Lobby had lost their court case.
If Fayetteville hadn't repealed their ban on discrimination. (I don't even live there anymore.)
If the AR Supreme Court had made a ruling regarding the ban on same-sex marriage (and that ruling had been to declare it unconstitutional.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Up until the October Dress Project, I was still dressing pretty ordinary, in jeans or trousers and t-shirts, or gym wear.  But ODP made me really want to enjoy looking nice again, so even though my wardrobe is still pretty sparse and mostly made up of handmedowns and clearance rack items, I've tried recently to up my appearance by dressing a little more interestingly, accessorizing with belts and scarves and hats and footwear.

She says, as she types this in her pink bunny pajamas at 2pm.

34. What kept you sane?
Working out. Kickboxing, Cardio Dance, Zumba, with the occasional Power Pump, Pilates and Step classes.

35. Which holiday or special occasion meant the most to you?
In February, our Seattle friends Jonathan and Sarah, along with their two little munchkins, came to Arkansas to visit us.  Considering Jonathan always said he'd never step foot in Arkansas, it was pretty special that they came out to visit us!

Then on Jaguar's birthday, my brother- and sister-in-law surprised us with a visit from their Texan family. It was great to meet our little nephew and to have the girls all together again.  It was great to see them all. It was really special.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Last year's answer will still continue to be this year's answer: Health care and same-sex marriage.  Add in separation of church and state.

37. Who did you miss?
I still miss so many of my Scottish friends and family. I always will. I've really missed my Craft Night Girls, Heather, Paula and Elaine, who were always the ones I went to when I needed to talk shit through.  It's been lonely without that.

38. Who was the best new person (people) you met?
Despite the way I make it sound, I have actually met a lot of really awesome people.  The girls from the book club are all awesome.  The girls I've met at work are all awesome.  My across-the-street neighbor Amy was awesome... but they moved to Texas (boo!).  The girls I've met at the gym are awesome.  But my top, number one people - who I really didn't meet this year, but have gotten to know better this year - are Elizabeth and Mandy. There's some kindred-spirit crap in there somewhere with those two.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr Seuss

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?
I could probably just quote the entire Quiet Company's We Are All Where We Belong, but I'll settle on just a couple quotes from here and there throughout the album.

"The river's wide, that I could not swim across it, so I convinced myself I'd walked upon the waves, but I don't want to waste my life.  I wanted to feel as saved as they do, but the more I live, the harder to believe that their god above knows the first thing about love or goes along with every rule they make up. I don't want to waste my life, thinking about the afterlife." -from "The Confessor"

"I was screaming out your name. I guess you never heard me, but I was screaming it for years, and I think I deserve a reason for why you've been so elusive. Now I've been thinking about my life and I can't believe that I have wasted so much time trying to be what everyone loves, the prodigal son returning. Oh what a sight, the prodigal son returning." -from "The Easy Confidence"

"Hey kids, tell them what you really think. Think it over. This is your life, don't ignore it. This could be your only chance to repent so get off your knees and adore it, the responsibility of empathy." -from "Preaching to the Choir Invisible, Part II"

And it's not a song lyric, but this little quote has been blowing my mind all year long:

"The nitrogen in our DNA, the calcium in our teeth, the iron in our blood, the carbon in our apple pies were made in the interiors of collapsing stars. 

We are made of starstuff." -Carl Sagan

The Elf Shenanigans and the Unmentionables Mentioned

It's very late, but for those of you following Banoffee the Elf's exploits, here's what our little house guest had prepared for us this morning.


While Lolly isn't actually a fan of hot chocolate, Fifi is (and so am I). Banoffee put together a lovely mix of hot chocolate powder (just from a mix, I, I mean, Banoffee, didn't have all the ingredients on hand to make it from scratch), peppermint flavoured marshmallows and chocolate chips. The stripey straws were just for looks and did not fare well when placed in the hot liquid.


We were busy all day, so luckily our Advent Activity was simple. We ate dinner by candlelight. It was a very romantic taco night.

This morning, after running errands (all I do, it seems, is run errands), I took Lolly to another local library to see a kids' Christmas concert (can't remember the name of the singing couple). She LOVED it. They sang silly kid songs, Christmas songs, threw a bunch of toys around, did motions, all that fun kid stuff. Jaguar slept through the first half but boogied down during the second. It was unrealistically relaxing for a loud, microphoned, singing duet kids' concert.

I then spent pretty much the rest of the day cleaning, folding laundry and packing everyone for this weekend. I also had my friend/ neighbour's kids over after school for a little while to give her a small break, and the kids were all perfect. All five of the riotous children in my house were in superb moods and played smashingly. I had a great time folding laundry and joining in on their Glee soundtrack dance party. I wonder why I was in such a great mood?

OHHHHH, that would be because the Jaguartor TOTALLY worked last night and Jaguar only cried in his crib for about 5-10 minutes and I never had to get out of bed to deal with him. That great mood is otherwise known as well-rested.

(I'm also in a great mood because as breastfeeding decreases so has my boob size, so I got to buy new bras for my trip, and they are push-up bras, and I feel like a buxom burlesque pin-up in my Spanx-style sucky-in knickers and pushed-up boobs. Just so you know.)


Sorry.

Lastly, since tomorrow will be somewhat busy with the final packing, sending the cat and children to their various vacation residencies, tying up loose ends (aka more errands) and finally catching our relaxing no-fighting-kids flight to Seattle, I'll go ahead and show you what our cheeky elf will be discovered doing in the morning.

I so nearly forgot about this until, like, five seconds ago


Hey, buddy, that's supposed to be part of Fifi's teacher's Christmas present! Imagine you eating all those M&Ms. Shame on you. Now I have to go buy more....


Fifi's teacher is getting two Pampered Chef glass prep bowls with lids, one filled with red M&Ms and the other with green. I'm going to wrap it with pretty ribbon in a pretty bag and think up something punny to write on the card like '...' 

...Erm,I don't know what.

Controlled Crying (But Also Mini Elf Pancakes!)

Okay, so in less than two weeks now, Scott and I are going on our first 'just us' holiday to a location NOT Cabot, Arkansas, and we are incredibly excited about it. We are flying to Seattle, WA to visit our old friends Jonathan and Sarah. We first met them when Scott and I were dating, and they were living in Edinburgh. In fact, if I recall correctly, we actually first met online, on a Christian forum called Christian Guitar Resources (CGR). They were those couple-friends we've compared all couple-friends to since then. They moved back to the US shortly after their first daughter was born, and shortly before our first daughter was born. It's been about seven or eight years since we've seen each other. Here's the real kicker - just as we have moved away from Scotland, they are moving to Ireland. We're pretty pissed about it!

So while we're all still on the same continent, and since Scott is turning the big 3-0 this month, we are going to visit them. Without kids. That is, without even Jaguar.

My mom and step-dad are keeping all three kids for us for the four days and four nights we are away, which is awesome (thank you!!) and therefore, we have been on a mission this past week or so to get Jaguar sleeping independently. I am night-weaning him from the breast, and we are trying to get him to sleep in his own bed in his own room. We have never done the 'controlled crying' thing with our babies when they were young, because we feel babies don't just want but need their parents when they are little, but resorted to it around this 18 month - 2 year stage with all of them. Let me just say, there is nothing 'controlled' about this scenario. We aren't doing 'controlled crying' - we are doing gut-wrenching, boob-leaking 'controlled ignoring'. The only ones controlling anything are us, mum and dad, controlling our emotions and nurturing urges, [un]balanced with our increasing blood pressure and the probability of insanity.

Each night has felt like a slight step in the right direction, with obvious milestones in getting him there... you know, crying less, going to sleep faster, staying in bed longer. Scott's been documenting the successes (if it can be called that?) via Facebook with photos like this:


But last night? It was AWFUL.

He went down initially all right. Scott and I thought we were doing well. I went to bed early (thank goodness), so I'm not sure if he woke up much between my bedtime and Scott's. All I know is that at 2 something this morning, he came into our room wanting me.

He's come through to our room before, 4.30AM being the earliest, but this was too much. I knew his game; his sisters played it too. They realise that at 5 or 6AM I'll go ahead and pull them into bed with me to get those last precious moments of sleep before the alarm goes off, so they try coming in earlier and earlier. 2 something AM, though, is seriously pushing it, so I trudged out of bed and wearily carried him back to his room. He cried when I put him back in his bed, and I went to the living room to the couch to listen for him falling asleep. Instead, he kept coming back into the living room and I had to keep putting him back in bed. Finally, I got fed up and put him in his cot. I went back to my bed, noting the time was now 3.40... so unless that 2 something was 2:59, he'd had me up for about an hour or more with his shenanigans. Yet, not a few moments later, he was back in my room; he had climbed out of his cot.

I figured he'd get tired of that game soon enough if I just put him back into his cot. But after he climbed out three or four times, I'd had enough. I went into his room with him and laid on the bed with him, stroking his hair and back. He'd been crying and climbing for about an hour-and-a-half or two hours by then, so he quickly fell asleep. Not wishing to wake him, I closed my eyes and stayed there. Moments later, he sat up, fresh as a daisy, and wanted to play.

Nooooo!!!

I was mad by now. It was well past 4AM, and I just wanted to SLEEP. I locked his bedroom door (with me in it with him) and pulled the covers over me. Let him play with toys while I sleep! But no. He spent another who-knows-how-long climbing over me, biting me, pulling my hair, pinching my neck. So I went nuclear. I held him tightly in my arms, hoping the struggle would defeat him. He fought only a minute, then went to sleep. The clock read 5AM.

At 5.30AM he woke me up with the climbing, biting, pinching again.

I went nuts.

At that point, Scott stepped in. I hadn't wanted him to wake up for all this. After all, he has to work all day, and while, yes, mummy-ing is work too, I can put Lolly in front of the TV, Jaguar in his high chair, and crash out for a few minutes on the couch (which later I did). But I couldn't take it any more and handed the responsibility over to Scott.

Can I just say 6.30 came way, way too soon this morning?

The girls came screeching into our room, excited about what Banoffee had done for them. I feigned disbelief. I told them they were still dreaming and to go back to bed (half hoping they would and we could accidentally sleep in for school). They insisted though that it was all true. That Banoffee Pie had made them pancakes for breakfast.


Sure enough, there was Banoffee on the table with a plate full of mini chocolate chip and plain pancakes! He'd even wrapped the pancakes in cling film to make sure the cat didn't get into them overnight.


The kids had a great time eating their pancakes with sprinkles and syrup. I was thankful that breakfast was pre-made so I could stay in bed an extra five minutes.


Let me humbly add here that mini elf pancakes were not a figment of my own creative imagination. I got the idea from here. I also took pictures of how I wanted the scene to look but could not because of said cat. In my mind's eye, the scene looked more like this:


Scott kind of couldn't believe the effort I went into last night to make this happen. Making tons of tiny pancakes, an apron and oven mitt for the elf, and even a little wire whisk. He looked at me half-jokingly/ half-seriously, and said, 'You need to get a job.' We both laughed but yeah, I really do have a bit too much time on my hands these days. Insert depressed sigh.
Banoffee Pie gives me purpose in life. That's a little pathetic.


Oh, and as for their Advent Activity today? Thank goodness it didn't involve glitter or glue. They just had to check my email for their messages from Santa. The messages are here: Fifi, Lolly & Jaguar.

Lolly couldn't believe she was on the Nice List. She actually said to me, 'I can't believe I'm on the Nice List! I've been so bad!!' I don't know if that's incredibly funny or horribly sad. I laughed though. I can't really believe it either.

ODP Day 26: The Yodas On the Bus Say 'Use the Force'

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ODP Day 25: Pantone or Dye

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