Pregnancy Loss Week 2010

I'm wiping huge tears off my cheeks as I post this.





This week is Pregnancy Loss Week. I have never lost a pregnancy, thank God, but people very close to me have, and one very close person in particular. I don't think I quite understood just how deep the pain runs, but reading some of these blogs have opened my eyes to the pain one feels after losing a baby.

I have nothing more I can say on the subject, and I wouldn't even want to try. I just want to draw a bit more awareness to the subject, especially for those of us who have known someone who lost a pregnancy but haven't known how to respond or what to feel, so we can all start to understand one another better in the love of mutual motherhood.

DECISIONS!

Funniest thing this morning.

I was still in bed (out late last night at midnight swim in outdoor pool then Spinnaker after!), but Fifi was up having breakfast. She came and asked me if she could have a plum, and I said yes, but she'd need to get it herself (I'm such a good mother) so she went and got her wee stool and took it to the fridge to get her plum. I started to go back to sleep, when I heard a thump, a scream and Fifi cry out in utter desperation,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOO!"

Scott, just out of the shower, ran through to see what happened, and I jumped out of bed. Fifi was standing on her stool, plum in one hand, and clutching herself with the other.

"I NEED TO GO PEEPEE BUT I NEED TO EAT MY PLUUUUUM?!"

Scott and I burst out laughing. "Give me your plum and you go peepee first," he told her. She seemed genuinely relieved that there was now a plan of action for her to follow as she raced for the toilet, her plum safely waiting for her in her daddy's hands.

The difficult decisions children must make!

New Blog Title

On a perfect lazy day
We lie on our backs and stare at the sky
And I make you bet on which cloud
You think'll reach the horizon first.

I know you know I'm just playing for time
'Cos I like the way you pay attention.
And even when your eyes get kinda scary,
I'm pretty sure I think they're pretty still.

If you don't cut your hair
I promise not to grow mine.
I'll be a gentleman
You'll take it as a good sign.
I'll generally annoy the hell out of you.

If I slur my words
It's because
I'm not sure
If I can say this.

I love you.

If you don't cut your hair
I promise not to grow mine.
I'll be your gentleman
You'll take it as a good sign.
I'll generally annoy the hell out of you.

Doo doo do doo, doo doo do doo, doo do doo.

-my song by Scott McFarlane

Diet Day Four

So, I've made it through day 4 of my diet, and I'm feeling pretty darn proud of myself. I went to Mother & Toddlers today, and there were TONS of yum-yums and cookies, and I didn't have even one! Just a cup of tea!

I've been eating my one bowl of muesli for breakfast (today I had a banana too), and my soup for dinner. Tonight's soup was kinda bland and boring, but I still ate it. It was full of veggies, just not full of flavour. I had a sandwich for lunch (bread is no good, but in moderation...) and all I had for a snack through the day was a couple of strawberries!

Want to know how I'm getting through my day without eating junk?

There is some cake left over from my TinyTalk party in a cake tin, and each time I pass by it, I think, "If I'm good ALL DAY, I can treat myself with ONE SMALL SLICE tonight." And so I just finished my one small slice of reward, and you know what?

I wasn't that bothered!

So maybe tomorrow I'll look at the cake and think, "Eh, just bin the rest."

Maybe.

Anyway, as for the exercise part, last night I went to play rounders in the park with some friends, but since only one other person showed up, we went to play tennis instead. I have decided tennis is my new favourite sport. I have a lot of sports that I enjoy, but I'm not good at playing any of them. I'm not GREAT at tennis either, but it was actually a sport I didn't totally suck at! Making me feel very motivated to try again and get better. I'm like that - if I can't take to something right away, I can't be bothered learning it. Like guitar. I took one lesson, knew it wasn't gonna come easy for me and quit.

But not tennis.

So I'm gonna look into playing more often. Maybe even look into a membership at a club. Maybe even look into lessons for Fifi (so I have an excuse to play more).

Only thing is, the other problem with me is I often fall for things hard, and then my excitement for it blows over, and I give up. So before I get TOO wrapped up in it, I need to play a bit more to make sure it's gonna stick. Scott enjoys tennis too, so he's up for playing with me. If we can get some kind of routine down (and a babysitter to match - Hi Granny and Grampa!!), I think that would make it stick better.

So to bring this all together, if I keep up my diet (and I think I might just go ahead and bin that cake, it wasn't all that worth it) and I keep up a bit of sporty exercise, I MIGHT just lose that wee bit of weight I'm hoping to lose. I'd love to feel fit and healthy again and look kinda good in the process.

So here we go Day Five!

New Healthy Kick....

I've been feeling rather obsessed about my weight lately. Not that I'm overweight, (and my friend Kieran didn't REALLY say we were fat), but I would rather like to feel a bit slimmer and more toned. I started trying to motivate myself by sticking skinny pictures of me on the kitchen cabinets to deter me from eating snacky junk, but all it did was depress me.

Then we went to a pole dancing class, and the photos from the event made me realise two things...



One, I need a tan.

Two, I need to lose the thunder thighs.

Perhaps THAT picture on my cabinets would do the trick.

So I made a plan. Not too regimented, as that would never work, but I took my motivated self to the grocery store and filled my trolley with carrots, peppers, broccoli, parsnips, tomatoes, asparagus, baby corn and various fruit. I also added organic, free range chicken and eggs, smoked mackerel and muesli. Yeah, muesli.

And a pair of welly boots for Lolly, but that was separate.

I plan to make soups this week with loads of veggies for dinner (and grilled chicken for Scott to add to the side). Lunches will be fairly normal things we usually eat, but I'll replace some of the less healthy meats with the mackerel, and our snacks will be smoothies and steamed veggies. Fifi even said she would eat the baby corn. We'll see.

So here's the thing. I hoped it would come out cheaper, even going for the organic, free range chicken products. But it didn't. Damn it.

I used to feel very strongly about the ethics of the foods we eat, but when you are on a tight budget, that kinda thing goes out the door. But after reading an article recently about all the antibiotics, water, and junk they pump into the chickens to make them sellable, I had a change of heart. I would buy the good stuff not because it's 'the good stuff' but because it's the normal stuff, not the sub-par stuff. And I would hope God would somehow reward me for my ethical behaviour by not making it that much more expensive.

Anyway, we'll see how long it lasts. I had a bowl of muesli for breakfast, and I even measured out an exact portion with my kitchen scales. (THAT won't last.) And it was a reasonable sized portion, much to my surprise. And because I bought one with loads of fruit in it, it was palatable. Unfortunately, that means loads of sugar (and not the good kind - dried fruit is packed with perserving sugars), but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. I need to ease into the taste of 'healthy' stuff.

So, we'll see how it goes. I will also make more effort to get out and exercise more than just twice a week at Footloose rehearsals. I live in town, I could always take up running and thrive on the car horns and pervy whistles I might get to motivate me further.

And I've started using fake tanner.

Comments

Just discovered during the process of redesigning that my comments have all been wiped. My echo account was apparently only a three month trial (I had to switch because haloscan went bust) and after the free trial, I was meant to subscribe. I didn't subscribe (and don't plan to), so all my comments are gone.

Feeling a little sad about that.

The New Stylez

Hey, unless you read this blog in Braille, you can see I've updated its look.

I've also added an 'About Me' page at the top and updated the 100 Things I Said About Myself, as the previous 100 Things were not all necessarily still true (though I did come full circle with one which stated 'I am currently growing my hair out.' That was five+ years ago but true once again.). Many I left as is, but a few I altered.

Now, if you'll refer, class, to Article 4, you will see that I claimed to still know all the words to the Nutcase Kids Club Poem. I wanted to create a link to that poem for posterity, and this, dear children, is it.

Ahem.

The Official Nutcase Kids Club Poem.

All rise and place your right hand over your heart as we all recite together:

"Nutcases are we
As you can plainly see
With lots of giggling
About freshwater tea.
We laugh the most about
The silliest things
Like a caterpillar
With a hole in his jeans.
Green foxes, furry sharks
A six foot bug
And a banana that barks
So now comes a time the nutcases require
That this poem do retire."

At ease. You may now do silly little girl things like giggle at absolutely nothing at all, and shout things from the bathroom stall like, "Nobody here but us chickens!", which I distinctly remember one of us saying during one of the meetings, and of course, giggling uncontrollably.

Screw You, Ren, I'm Eating a Chocolate Bar and Getting Fatter As I Write This

When Scott and I got engaged, and we decided to live in Scotland rather than the US, we made one promise (well, we made a lot of promises, but for the purpose of this post, we made one) - that I would get back to Arkansas for my 10 year high school reunion.

We were young and in love.

Little did we realise we would have two children by that time and be living on one income. (Because, you see, we were young and in love and had agreed we'd have children after being married five years, because five years sounded like the right number, and there, of course, was no deviating from the future plans of your hero and heroine, thus making me adorably pregnant with my first and wearing European black and speaking with a Scottish lilt for my reunion.)

But alas, here we are, the year 2010, ten years after graduating from high school, and circumstances being as they are, I did not make it to my 10 year high school reunion.

Many people would breathe a deep sigh of relief at the thought of never seeing their old schoolmates ever again. Many people did not love high school as much as we did. If I may speak for my wonderful group of Forensics and Debate nerds, we all loved high school. We all loved each other. While we drifted apart the years that followed, I believe each of us still held a very special place for one another in our hearts. We had so many wonderful times together. We grew into ourselves together. We knew the best and worst in each other. Maybe time has tinted my memories rose-coloured, but I truly believe those four years together were some of the best years of our lives.

In a way, we were all young and in love.

But as all those wonderful people met together last weekend, no doubt quoting memorable lines from the many plays and performances we took part in, the many showtunes and pop songs we sang loudly and obnoxiously to, and the many still-funny inside jokes that wouldn't make any other normal person laugh 'til their sides ached, I was here.

And I felt rather lonely.

But I was not alone.

I have made new friends. No friends will be like the friends I used to have. Adult life doesn't cultivate the kind of friends you spend all night, all weekend, all your life with, experimenting with who you are and who you'd like to become. But I have made friends nonetheless. Friends who know the now-me, the mother-me, the wife-me, the grown-into-who-I-am-me. And I'm okay with that. The night of my reunion, I had three lovely women over, and we had a lovely time, and they are truly wonderful friends, who love Jesus and help me grow into a better Christian woman. And I have my 'mummy' friends, who challenge me to be a better mother and who accept me just as I am, that I can trust to show my truest self to and not be judged. And of course, I have my husband, who knew me when I was still practically a child and who loves all the parts of me, the funny, the hippie, the bitchy and the beautiful, and I have my children who are still young enough to think I can do no wrong.

But one hole remains - a tiny hole, and somewhat insignificant hole, but a hole nonetheless - the hole that my friends filled ten years ago. For with whom now can I share the interests my friends and I shared back then? Who out of all my friends now would quite happily spend a car ride singing along to RENT or practice a dance in the middle of the street or walk into a petrol station and pretend to be Audrey and Orin Scrivello, DDS, having an argument over Vitalis? Even Scott would rather drive nails into his arms than listen to showtunes in the car with me or help me read lines.

(Here's your mention, guys.)

Last night, I went down to the park to play rounders (baseball) with a few of the folks who are in Footloose. After rounders, those of us who remained went to the pub for a drink. We had a good laugh. I promised I'd write about our conversation on my blog, but really, the conversation was stupid and not worth writing about. (So Kieran thinks we're fat. Screw him.) But they are getting this mention (Kieran and Fifi) because they and others like them (Julie) remind me so much of those I grew up with. They're actors. They love musicals and the theatre. They have songs that have won Tony awards on their iPods.

We have sung RENT songs in the car together.

We have danced on the streets (no, literally. The looks Fifi and I got...)

We have not quite gotten to the Audrey and Orin stage yet, but I think I'd be okay if I never in life ever did that again. (It wouldn't be the same without PDub anyway.)

I'm not saying they are the new Zacs, Patricks, Amandas and Devons, but they make me smile.

So, yes, I missed my high school reunion. Yes, I cried when I saw the pictures afterwards, to see how grown up they've all become and yet how exactly the same they all still are. But life has gone on for all of us, and I know really we are all in the same boat, living our own current lives so vastly different and far from the lives we shared as kids. We all have our new friends, our adult friends, who know the adult-us, the parent-us, the who-we-are-now-us, and actually that's just life and it's just the way it is. No one can go back really. A reunion doesn't change the fact that being 28 is a hell of a lot different from being 18. But is one better than the other? I'd venture to say... my life now is immeasurably more satisfying, wholesome and fulfilling than it was even capable of being then.

And I love everyone who is a part of it.

Frobscottle and Whizzpoppers

We've been reading The BFG to Fifi. I've never read it before - Roald Dahl I don't think is as big in the US as he is in the UK - so it's all new to me and just as exciting to me as it would've been to all children upon their first reading. I've had to skip over some parts; Fifi gets frightened when the giants come out, and I've had to downplay the parts where they reach into children's rooms and eat them... you know, because that's only slightly traumatising to a three year old child. But so far, Fifi's been fine with my abridged version, and she talks about it constantly.

Well, we recently read the chapter about frobscottle, the tasty drink the Big Friendly Giant drinks, with the bubbles that go down. Upon reading it, I just knew I'd have to make it!

I had my own ideas; I would buy some Irish cream soda syrup, mix it with sparkling water and add some raspberry flavour and green food colouring. But I figured the Internetz would probably have already devised a perfect recipe, so I hit Google.

Of the many frobscottle recipes (including the official Roald Dahl's book of revolting recipes version), the best one I found was this one: laughinglaceandlegos.blogspot.com. It looked the easiest to make and the tastiest. So this morning we made it.



Recipe
1 cup of milk
1 1/2 cups of Sprite
1 T. Raspberry sauce
1 tsp. Vanilla
Green food colouring

Put everything in the blender and add ice.

The girls loved it! I thought it was alright too. I didn't make it exactly, as I didn't have any ice in the freezer to put it in the blender, so it was a bit separated at the top, but it was actually still pretty good.



Afterwards I pretended to do a whizzpopper, but Fifi didn't buy it. She said, 'That was just you. That wasn't a real one!'

She's still waiting for her whizzpopper to blast her into the air.

Apples Galore

I just cored, quartered and peeled 4 pounds of apples to make apple butter, disposed of the cores and peels, only to THEN realise the recipe said to quarter the apples WITHOUT coring and peeling, as the flavour and pectin is in the cores and peels.

So. Annoyed.

Looks like I'll be making a few pies instead.